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genuinegal30

How do I know if swinging is just an excuse for him to play the field?

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Well, I'm here (as to be expected) because of my boyfriend's desires to swing in the near future.

 

He is 23, very high sex drive, sexually liberal (has been to a swinging club before, on his own when he was single), and is very open and honest about his past (maybe too honest) and what he would like. Me, I'm the conservative one, despite having a very high sex drive myself and being adventurous - the involvement of other people is something I'm not yet convinced about because of my feelings of jealously.

 

Hes a very good looking young man, a charmer, fit body, incredible in bed, and honestly...I look at him and think he is wasted being in a relationship. I also feel like I'm not enough despite him saying I am enough and how he loves our sex life...for the time being. I'm 31, and might explain the level of my sex drive, so we are in sync in a physical capacity, but values and attitudes wise, we're out of sync.

 

I honestly wish I had the ability to detach my emotions, and most of the time I wish I was a man (less emotional hassle). We've only been together 14 months, and he mentioned about his past sexual experiences and expectations within a relationship after about 2 months of being together, and it really unsettled me and assumed he was just trying to impress because I was older than him.

 

I honestly believe that if I don't agree to swinging, he'll only go and do it behind my back anyway, so is it wrong to be completely altruistic and do it for him? I don't know..... I feel like I'm not enough, despite the regular hot sex we have where in most if not all of the time, he likes to be very dominant. It is rare that its just making love to be honest.

 

This is the weird thing. When we're having sex or he is giving me oral sex, or i am masturbating with him, I fantasize about him having dirty, degrading hardcore sex with girls - and i picture him with this girl in a club, or alleyway, and just treating her with complete degradation. What does this represent EXACTLY? Yet if this happened in reality, maybe...behind my back, I'd be devastated, and I don't understand the dichotomy between the two - fantasy and reality. My boyfriend says that people should always try out their fantasy, but I think sometimes...it is best staying a fantasy.

 

He adores and love me, and is mad about me. I couldn't ask for anymore attention, affection and compliments. I wish there was a magic pill that would allow me to diminish any feelings of jealousy/resentment and just allow him to have sex with other woman and me not be bothered by it.

 

I don't know how I would feel watching him have hot sex with another woman, despite me fantasizing about it a lot. He says he wants to do it as a couple, doesn't want to do it as a single man. I dont know whether it is an excuse for him just to have sex with different women all the time, or whether he genuinely would love to see me with another woman.

 

I'm confused.

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Trust another "male" here. You said.."or whether he genuinely would love to see me with another woman..."

Trust me.. that's a given truth. He's a man.. OF COURSE HE WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU WITH ANOTHER WOMAN".. What guy wouldn't? LOL

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Yeh ok, i know you're right, but i thought swinging (from a guys perspective) was supposed to be about pleasing me, but i get the sense its just all about him...

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If you say you don't want to swing and he goes behind your back and does it anyway, that is cheating. If he does that he was never worth having anyway.

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Well, just read the posts and explore the comments. People here are exceptional and helpful AND I think there are folks on here that don't do a lot, if any, swinging but enjoy the spirit of it. Pete and I do very little but like to have the option open.

The forum IS an education!:lol:

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The important thing is that you two openly and candidly discuss what's important in your relationship. A key question that you need to address is the difference between being "not enough" and wanting some variety. The former assigns sex as being a celebration of love. The latter assigns sex as being a celebration of life. Both are fun and both are fulfilling, but have different representations to the relationship.

 

Fantasy is very important to just about everyone's sex lives, so your own fantasies should not distress you. It's pretty clear that you are anxious about transforming fantasy into reality. That's fine. Most of the world enjoys fantasy and stops there.

 

One way to look at the situation is that he is being candid about his desire for sexual variety, and this is a lot better than dealing with a cheat. Honesty counts a lot. He is also inviting you to set rules and boundaries simply by talking about it.

 

You are 14 months into the relationship, and you are wondering how it will last and how strong it is. My take is that he is telling you that he is still young, wants to play but values the relationship as something he wants to sustain. You'll have to decide whether you are willing to test those play waters with him.

 

A reflection. It is hard to imagine a 23 year old being monogamous forever. Or a 31 year old for that matter. People grow and change. Relationships take work. A disproportionately high fraction of the long-term marrieds (25-45 years of marriage, for example) we know are LS people. They figured out that love and sex were important, but really enjoyed seeing their partners having pleasure, even intimate pleasure. Their egos grew stronger, not weaker in the knowledge that their partner could enjoy sex with others yet still be their partner-for-life.

 

Swinging will test a lot of beliefs about any relationship. But the 'together' aspect means the test is shared and reciprocal.

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Welcome to the board!

 

......so we are in sync in a physical capacity, but values and attitudes wise, we're out of sync.

 

........................................

 

I honestly believe that if i dont agree to swinging, he'll only go and do it behind my back anyway,

 

These two statements jumped out at me. So, I'll ask a question that has nothing to do with the swinging aspect:

What do you want out of this relationship?

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To answer the question of whether or not you should be here:

Yes, you should. This board isn't only about active swingers. If it were, we would have a LOT less members. This board is about educating each other about swinging, and helping couples and individuals like yourself decide whether or not it's the right thing for you.

 

We hope the board gives you some insight to your questions. :)

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It seems as if he has been upfront about his history , and interest in swinging. For the sake of the imeadate question , let us presume that is he indeed intending that any swinging type activity would be for mutual benefit and enjoyment.

 

To again paraphrase one of our esteemed Senior Members : "Swinging is not for everyone. It is probably not for most people" . A universal prerequisite is to be able to mentally differentiate between sex with others , and. Love. You needen't "know" in advance that you will enjoy (whatever) , but you need to know that ever in worst case scenario your relationship is strong enough to handle any fallout.

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One of the couples we swapped with was somewhat in a similar situation. Chipper worked for me and was a total flirt. He'd fucked about every one of the young women in the office.

 

I was a little surprised when I met Linda, his wife, for the first time. We went on a double date after he'd only known her a month or so. My wife and I liked her but even my wife was surprised at Chipper's choice.

 

Linda was attractive, well educated, and very enjoyable to be around but she was ten years older than Chipper. Chipper had always before chosen much younger girls.

 

But, they moved in together and eventually got married. It was a year of so after they married that we swapped with them.

 

I think, like you, Linda only went along with the actual swinging to keep Chipper but it was obvious she did enjoy it too.

 

I later wondered if Chipper didn't want a wife to be more of a mother to him too. And, knowing Chipper, Linda most likely had to agree to the swinging before he married her and his younger conquests probably wouldn't.

 

And, now if it's any help, they're still married and that was over thirty years ago!

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Certainly you are welcome here. There are lots of members contemplating these activities, many graduly dipping their toes , and still others that have been active in the past, but for various reasons not active currently.

 

To expand on fundamental Law's initial point, there is a cliche that has a lot of truth to it. "You can have steak every day , but still enjoy the occasional pizza or seafood.

 

In addition to the usual trust and communication, it is nesecary to have certain understanding of the nature of sex and love. When both are at the the same time and person great ! But those are independent variables. Enjoyable sex can be had w/o love. Or conversley times change , and things happen, and and love and commitment can continue even without sexual function.

 

And the there are more possabilities of sexual dynamics with 3 (or more) people playing together than is physically possable with only two.

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Honesty and full disclosure in needed from BOTH of you here. Share your thoughts and fantasies and listen to his. An honest unrestrained discussion will shed light on what you both want and not want.

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First, thank you for sharing. I would like to add that your feelings are completely normal and without wanting to sound condescending, I applaud you for even taking the time to consider the lifestyle. That speaks a great deal about your feelings towards your man and about your desire to want to work to find a course of action that will satisfy the both of you.

 

Swinging, as mentioned above, isn't for everyone. It takes a very open and honest relationship and above all else, communication.

 

He was open and honest with you from the start. Unless he has given you any reason to mistrust his intentions then I would take him on his word. If my wife told me tomorrow that she didn't want to ever swing again, I would miss it but at the same time, I love my wife and her happiness means the world to me. I'd walk away and not look back.

 

He has expressed a desire and I would like to think that he feels that it is something that you would enjoy with him. If you enjoyed something, I'm sure you would want him to be understanding and to give it a try. I look at this very similarly.

 

You talk about jealousy...that's not so easy to work around. If you can't get past that, you'll never be able to swing at all. Sex is really just an enjoyable act. We are trained from birth that it's something that is intimate and only should be shared between two people who love each other and all of that conditioning is hard to rewire in your brain.

 

If there was one thing to take away from my post it would be that you should NOT think of swinging as the two of you having sex outside of your relationship but an independent experience the two of you are sharing together. Think about that some. Those that get what swinging is about will come back together feeling even closer after sharing such experiences.

 

As far as your thoughts about seeing the act as a degrading experience towards the other girl. It might be your way of accepting it and not seeing it as a threatening act towards your boyfriend. I don't think it's necessarily the best mental way of dealing with it (again, I'm not a professional, lol) but maybe what you like is that feeling that the other woman is being submissive to your husband. It's puts her beneath you in a priority sense.

 

I don't know, just rattling off things as they come to mind. I wish you the best though and hope you two work things out. :)

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Yes, you should definitely be here! Whether or not you choose to swing, at least by coming here you can ask questions and get a broader view of what swinging entails than just what he has to offer. Swinging is NOT for everyone and it may not be for you, but it's your choice.

 

I, personally, don't believe anyone should ever "take one for the team" and swing just for the sake of their partner being happy. In the end, you will be unhappy and it will tear you apart (creating exactly what you were hoping to avoid).

 

As far as your fantasies. Do the two of you enjoy rough sex like you see in your fantasies? It's possible that you see him doing it with others in your fantasy because you haven't quite embraced that perhaps it's something you'd like to enjoy. Or it's possible that you really are fantasizing about him being with other girls, but you've set the fantasy up as him having a degrading type sex with them so that you can detach the emotional aspect of sex from it and accept it more. We all struggle with having guilt issues from the way most of us were raised. It may be a matter of getting a handle on those guilt issues.

 

Just talking about it both here and with him will help you work through those questions and determine whether or not swinging is really something YOU want to do or try.

 

That said, it sounds like there's a bigger issue here in that he presented swinging from the start as a "must have" in your relationship. It's understandable that this would put you on guard and make you feel like you aren't enough. You've got this thing hanging over your head as if "if you don't do it, you will lose him". That's not a good reason to do it. Swinging should be something you choose to do together because you both want it and you both enjoy it, not because anyone felt pushed into it.

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Based on what you said, the problem I see is your admission of jealousy. Jealousy is usually a sign of insecurity. My take on the subject was that your partner wants you to participate with him in swinging, not just sit around and watch. The first thing you will have to explore is your jealousy. If you can''t overcome the jealousy, you will not be able to enjoy swinging.

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You say if your fantasy were to happen behind your back, you'd be devastated, which makes sense; of course you would be. The difference between fantasy and reality is huge and as others have said, this lifestyle is not for everybody.

 

When Jen and I first got involved in swinging, Jen had some jealousy issues and insecurities as well. We started by going to meet and greets and eventually found ourselves invited to a house party. We met a nice couple there, but we progressed slowly and at Jen's pace of her being comfortable before we even started talking about taking the plunge into full swapping. Even now, there are some ladies that are a "no" for me to play with and I respect Jen's feelings.

 

If you haven't already, I would recommend you talk to your boyfriend and explain your feelings. As many have said, communication is key to any relationship (not just alternative lifestyles). Depending on your comfort level, I would also recommend maybe going to a strip club or swing club (with the clear understanding that nothing will happen from your boyfriend).

 

If your not comfortable, let your boyfriend know and go from there. As Diggin said, if Jen told me she didn't want to swing anymore, I would miss it, but I would respect her wishes and walk away.

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Hi there, im back.... :)

 

Thank you SO much for all your replies, im so touched at how sensitive and maturely you have responded, it means alot.

 

We had the conversation again last night - it came up through other serious discussions (about where he is in life and wants to go - not in regards to the relationship, but life in general).

 

I did genuinely become emotional and distressed when we ended up speaking about it - well, when he brought it up again.

 

He's still very adamant that he wants to do it. His views changed slightly in regards to swinging, in that for him, its not because he wants sex with a variety of people, he just wants to see me having sex with someone else, or for us to see other people have sex in the room, or them see us having sex.

It's the idea for him visually - to see me get pleased by other people (man or woman). He even said that he'd be happy to just stick to more experienced swinger couples in their 40's, he said he'd prefer that. Furthermore, if this is something i'd engage in, he'd be happy for the rest of his life and wouldn't want to have sex with anyone else (which to me is kind of bulls*t). He even said it doesn't have to be something we'd have to participate in every week - just eery 5 to 6 months would be fine - it's not something he'd want to do every week/month. I admit this made me feel a bit better, because if it were an every week or every month act, i don't think id be too happy. I appreciate his honesty enormously, and respect him for that of course i do. I am aware of this and it's a quality I admire about him alot.

 

The jealousy topic: This would obviously not be an issue if it were a case of him watching me with someone else and he were not physically involved with another woman. Despite my high desire for sex and psychological enjoyment of having fantasies of him being with other women, I just dont know how easy it would be to apply in reality. I agree that monogomy is socially conditioned, i have been instructed from very early on in life that sex within a relationship, should just be between two people. The majority of society share this view and generally stick to it because any other option (swinging for example), is deemed as unacceptable in society. There must be a reason why most couples in society do not consider this option, and i suspect they value that socially constructed principle of monogomy and the idealism of two people being only committed to eachother emotionally and sexually. Dont get me wrong, im not under the illusion that fulfilling sex is sustainable over a VERY long period of time, hence why people cheat or break up. So I do understand why there are options such as swinging, or just having open relationships. It takes two very trusting, loyal and devoted, open-minded people to agree to do this. Being competitive by nature, us humans naturally feel intimidated or defensive of other people being better than us - i dont believe that will change, in any capacity. So to engage in swinging is essentially removing that psychological and emotional state of being threatened by competition - how is this possible if it's innate?

 

As for the fantasies I have - I don't feel guilty as such, it's just very difficult to comprehend why i get so turned on by this (and it is my only fantasy that I use every time I masterbate or have sex with my boyfriend), yet I really struggle emotionally and mentally to contemplate this idea in reality. Is it just the deviant nature of the thought which excites me? Or is it an underlying message to suggest it's something I need to pursue in reality? Or is it a mental subsconsiousnes trying to prove to my own security that he only has love and respect for me? So weird trying to interpret it. It's funny but in my former relationship of 8 years (he had a low sex drive and was shy in bed, I was the opposite), we didn't have sex for the last two years of our r'ship and I was even suggesting to myself the idea that I could stay with him (we still got on brilliantly, despite not having sex - he was my best friend), but have sex with other people. Thats because I adored him, but was not getting satisfied sexually. I just find it weird that now this idea is something id never think of introducing and thats because im completely sexually fulfilled with my boyfriend and dont feel the need to see what its like with other men. I do think and realistically at that, that sex between a couple does fade over time, so introducing the idea of swinging or engaging in other visual sexual practices is a genuine consideration if it means keeping the longevity of the relationship going. I suppose im just quite shocked that firstly, he brought it up so soon in the relationship (after 6 weeks), and still after 14 months when at this stage of a relationship, it's still incredible, exciting, rough, adventurous - surely swinging is something that is introduced when both couples feel they have reached a stage where introducing other people will spice up their sex life. It would be interesting to know from you guys how long you had been with your partner before you or both of you had considered swinging?

 

Also, he didn't ask his two other girlfriends if they would swing. I asked him why, and he said his desire for it within a relationship context, only arise in his single days AFTER his last girlfriend and before he met me. His uncle (who is sexually promiscious, and recommended swinging to my boyfriend when he was single), kind of changed his views from then on. So then, he met me - older woman, sexually open and equally on par with him, and thought 'wow, I could do this swinging with someone I really love and have it both ways'. The fact he hasn't done it before is new territory to him, so he knows hes taking a risk if it goes wrong (for whatever reason). I said to him, 'whats to say you watch me having sex with 3 different guys every week and you can clearly see that I react in a much more theatrical (so to speak) way with them, then I would do in bed with you? How do you know you wont get emotionally competitive about it?'. He said he doesn't know, unless he tries, but he thinks that he'll be ok with it. His presumptuous attitude is very unsettling to me, thinking that he hasnt thought seriously about it enough.

 

Why does it always seem to be the woman who has to make more compromises or sacrifices for a man to fulfill his needs - whether thats him moving job, wanting to engage in swinging, or supporting him through major life crisis, but the other way around - and its like guys (most, not all), dont seem to have that compromising bone in their body? For guys it's definitely black and white - if you dont agree to this, or support me with this, there are negative consequences - that never happens with a woman, she'd never place an ultimatum. I honestly do think we sacrifice more in a relationship - and i find it emotionally distressing at times.

 

Back to the swinging - I dont know how I would feel having sex with another man, seriously. Because at the moment, my fantasies consist of him having sex with other women, not me having sex with other men. To be honest with you, in ALL honesty, I would do it, but i would emotionally disconnect and would only perform for my boyfriend. If a good looking guy, for example, were to try and touch me sexually on a night out, no matter how horny I was, I wouldnt be interested. Know why? Because my boyfriend is absolutely incredible in bed (i have genuinely said to him - he's too good to be in a monogamous relationship), and I know if I tried to have sex with other men, well, my boyfriend has set the bar REAL high so it would be hard to beat, so id find it hard to believe id find even better pleasure having sex with other men to be honest. Im being serious here, but if i was single, and I could enter the escort industry, through a safe, secure, reputible agency, I would definitely do it.

 

In answer to someone's post - yes, we do have rough sex, in fact in 99% of cases, we very rarely make love. He could interpret is as making love on occasions, but in all seriousness, it involves ALOT of rough sex, with him in dominant positions. I thoroughly enjoy it, dont get me wrong, but sometimes, it would be nice if it was 50/50. He also enjoys being in a submissive position, for anal pleasure - he's NEVER had that done before by any other woman, I introduced it after months of telling him how much hed enjoy it. And so, he tried it and said they are the most intense orgasms he's ever had, and oh my, can I tell, haha.

 

It's soooo funny how I really get turned on in my fantasies by him having rough degrading sex with different women, yet why on EARTH can I not accept this in reality!?!?

 

Maybe, if we met up with an experienced couple in their 40's, respectable, understandable, had a chat with them, and for me just to see what the environment would be like, then I might consider it. Its probably going to be a case of me gradually taking one step at a time.

 

Otherwise, if I feel like it's emotionally destroying me, and completely fracturing my moral compass, then i'll have to walk away.

 

It's mad - he says im the best and most loving girlfriend he's ever had, yet if this is something im not going to seriously consider then he pretty much inadvertedly suggested there will be negative consequences (in a nice way, not disrespectful). Amazing how much people are willing to take risks of losing someone incredibly special, to satisfy their own sexual desires when if you look at the entirity of the relationship, we're a brilliant match. Sad....

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If I introduce an analogy, it might make it easier to explain my position:

 

If I drive a top of the range Ferrari, and it's the latest model, is a beauty to drive - why would I want to a) drive another ferrari with the same specs, or b), consider driving a porsche when I know that it's not going to be as good as the ferrari?

 

How can I appreciate driving other cars, when I already have one that beats them all?

 

Or, you live in a beautiful stunning mansion, and you feel it fulfills everything you want our of a home, why would you by another house to live in when you have everything you want in that beautiful stunning mansion? People generally dont live between 5 different houses do they? They invest in one home, and live most of the time in that house.

 

Or finally, the law of supply and demand - my demand for a product with all the characteristics I want, at a great price, is met by supply, and I keep on buying that product because no other product on the market compares - it offers everything I want. I wouldnt buy another product for the sake of it, knowing it offers the same characteristics and price as the product im really happy with?

 

Hope that clarifies my point in trying to explain my concern of sleeping with other men. :)

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If I introduce an analogy, it might make it easier to explain my position:

 

If I drive a top of the range Ferrari, and it's the latest model, is a beauty to drive - why would I want to a) drive another ferrari with the same specs, or b), consider driving a porsche when I know that it's not going to be as good as the ferrari?

 

How can I appreciate driving other cars, when I already have one that beats them all?

 

Or, you live in a beautiful stunning mansion, and you feel it fulfills everything you want our of a home, why would you by another house to live in when you have everything you want in that beautiful stunning mansion? People generally dont live between 5 different houses do they? They invest in one home, and live most of the time in that house.

 

Or finally, the law of supply and demand - my demand for a product with all the characteristics I want, at a great price, is met by supply, and I keep on buying that product because no other product on the market compares - it offers everything I want. I wouldnt buy another product for the sake of it, knowing it offers the same characteristics and price as the product im really happy with?

 

Hope that clarifies my point in trying to explain my concern of sleeping with other men. :)

 

I haven't had the time to really look at your first post in great detail (I do plan on reading and responding) but wanted to quickly reply to this particular thread. This is not an agreement or disagreement with anything either of you have said but just a general statement.

 

You are trying to rationalize something that is emotional and it won't work.

 

You don't swing because you are tired of something you already have, you swing because it's something you enjoy doing. If both of you don't enjoy swinging (nothing wrong with that, most people are not capable of swinging) then you two may not be able to work out a compromise and in that case you really need to think about your relationship.

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Hi there, im back.... :)

 

He's still very adamant that he wants to do it.

 

This goes back to my statement in my last post. You two may not be able to reach a compromise. It's going to be something you are going to have to weigh heavily if you plan to stay in this relationship.

 

The jealousy topic: This would obviously not be an issue

 

Not everyone can swing. Plain and simple. It's not a fault or anything to be upset about but if he isn't willing to give up the swinging and you can't reach a compromise then it goes back to you having a decision to make about continuing your relationship or not.

 

There must be a reason why most couples in society do not consider this option, and i suspect they value that socially constructed principle of monogomy and the idealism of two people being only committed to eachother emotionally and sexually.

 

It's less about the social conditioning and more about the jealousy.

 

So to engage in swinging is essentially removing that psychological and emotional state of being threatened by competition - how is this possible if it's innate?

 

It's understanding that sex can be enjoyed as a physical act and not an emotional one and having the trust in your relationship that sex isn't the foundation of your love.

 

As for the fantasies I have - I don't feel guilty as such, it's just very difficult to comprehend why i get so turned on by this (and it is my only fantasy that I use every time I masterbate or have sex with my boyfriend), yet I really struggle emotionally and mentally to contemplate this idea in reality. Is it just the deviant nature of the thought which excites me? Or is it an underlying message to suggest it's something I need to pursue in reality? Or is it a mental subsconsiousnes trying to prove to my own security that he only has love and respect for me? So weird trying to interpret it.

 

There are some fantasies you should share, there are some that are better left in your mind only. If you can't tell which are which then you won't know until you try and learn from your mistakes :lol:

 

I suppose im just quite shocked that firstly, he brought it up so soon in the relationship (after 6 weeks), and still after 14 months when at this stage of a relationship, it's still incredible, exciting, rough, adventurous - surely swinging is something that is introduced when both couples feel they have reached a stage where introducing other people will spice up their sex life.

 

It's also something that if you feel very passionate about, better to bring it up early then ten years into the relationship, only to find out that there is no way in hell your partner will ever agree to swinging.

 

It would be interesting to know from you guys how long you had been with your partner before you or both of you had considered swinging?

 

9 years but if I had known what I know now...a hell of a lot sooner.

 

Also, he didn't ask his two other girlfriends if they would swing.

 

Maybe he didn't care about them enough that he saw himself with them for a long time or a meaningful relationship. I would take it as a compliment.

 

Why does it always seem to be the woman who has to make more compromises or sacrifices for a man to fulfill his needs - whether thats him moving job, wanting to engage in swinging, or supporting him through major life crisis, but the other way around - and its like guys (most, not all), dont seem to have that compromising bone in their body?

 

It's never been that way for us. My wife has made sacrifices when I was in the military (no choice there) but now that I'm out. I have moved 4 times in support of her career and had to give up my job once (I make double her income). I knew I could get another job but she couldn't progress through her career if we stayed in one spot.

 

This is how you should look at it. Why do you have to make more compromises or sacrifices?

 

Back to the swinging - I dont know how I would feel having sex with another man, seriously.

 

We make decisions everyday on how we 'think' things will go when we do something but more often than not, nothing ever turns out the way we thought. What I'm saying is, you won't really know, until you try.

 

In answer to someone's post - yes, we do have rough sex, in fact in 99% of cases, we very rarely make love. He could interpret is as making love on occasions, but in all seriousness, it involves ALOT of rough sex, with him in dominant positions. I thoroughly enjoy it, dont get me wrong, but sometimes, it would be nice if it was 50/50. He also enjoys being in a submissive position, for anal pleasure - he's NEVER had that done before by any other woman, I introduced it after months of telling him how much hed enjoy it. And so, he tried it and said they are the most intense orgasms he's ever had, and oh my, can I tell, haha.

 

Love is an emotional connection. You just distinguished sex vs. making love. I don't agree with it but if you think there is a difference you already have a foot in the swinger's door.

 

I personally don't believe there is any difference when I'm with my spouse. What makes rough sex less emotionally connecting than deliberate sensual sex? It's not the sex, it's the connection we share while having sex that makes it 'love.'

 

It's soooo funny how I really get turned on in my fantasies by him having rough degrading sex with different women, yet why on EARTH can I not accept this in reality!?!?

 

I don't really know how to respond to this. I said in my previous post that maybe it was a way that you could deal with it emotionally or something like that but if I felt your boyfriend was in any way having sex with my wife that degraded her in any capacity he would be out the fucking door. Just like I'm sure your boyfriend doesn't want any man to degrade you. I hope that is not what you are going to expect to see in any encounters.

 

Otherwise, if I feel like it's emotionally destroying me, and completely fracturing my moral compass, then i'll have to walk away.

 

Swinging isn't for everyone. I really hope you two work though it. You sound like you love him and you are trying to research it and that speaks highly of you but at the end of the day...only you will know if this is right for you or not.

 

I wish you both the best.

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