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Melpomeana

Husband Wants Open Marriage/I'm Scared

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I'm brand new to this forum. My husband and I are happily married. We got married very young; he didn't have much sexual experience and I had none. We have a very satisfying sex life; we have sex almost every day and it's always been good. Porn, sex toys, S&M, role play and semi-public sex (movie theaters, mall dressing rooms, etc...places where we could get caught but didn't) have always been a big part of our sex life. We're very open about sex and it's always been a wonderful and fulfilling part of our relationship. It was an area I never worried about.

 

Three months ago...completely out of the blue...my husband told me that he's obsessed with the idea of having sex with other women and he no longer wants to be monogamous. I was shocked and scared to death by this admission. I didn't handle it very well and started to become paranoid that he would cheat on me. Anger and resentment occurred on both our parts.

 

I love him, though, and desperately want him (and us!) to be happy.

 

We recently found ourselves in a situation (completely unexpected) with a couple that wanted to swap. I thought the whole situation was sketchy and felt very uncomfortable. I asked him if we could leave and he immediately agreed. Later, though, he became angry. He feels that I get to make all the rules and his desires aren't being considered. I feel that he's becoming resentful about my reluctance/hesitancy.

 

After a lot of thought, I believe I could be comfortable having a threesome with another woman as long as we didn't know her and he didn't have intercourse with her. My feelings may change later but this seems like a safe place to start.

 

How do I explain to him how I feel without making him feel resentful of my "guidelines"? I'm very scared about the whole situation. What if I feel jealous about watching him with another woman? What if he likes her better or is more satisfied with her than he is with me? What if we do something as a couple once and I don't want to do it again? What if we do something as a couple and he starts cheating on me behind my back?

 

Please help. I feel very lost right now.

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All of your concerns are very normal! I think the first thing to do would be to tell him that you're 'seriously' considering what he has told you but you need time, and his patience, to think it through.

 

Then you need to seriously consider what you, and seriously, you would enjoy in swinging.

 

Then, after you've made your list of things, sit down with him and discuss them. Let him know that these are your comfort levels, for now, and ask him if he can he live with them.

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Did he really use the word obsessed? I am typically not inclined to make comment when people ask for help with a difficult situation as I seldom feel qualified. I do not think you should encourage him in any way with his idea of having an open marriage. There is something very worrisome underneath the surface that needs to be addressed.

 

~Michael

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Later, though, he became angry. He feels that I get to make all the rules and his desires aren't being considered. I feel that he's becoming resentful about my reluctance/hesitancy.

 

:redflag:

 

Seriously, this is a major problem vis-a-vis swinging. I might be reading into this too far, but I see a problem with communication here. I'm seeing, in effect, "I want to have sex with other people, and you're in my way". This is not good.

 

The two of you need to approach this as a team, not an ultimatum from one to the other. The very foundation on which the two of you are approaching swinging is wrong.

 

You felt uncomfortable in the situation with the other couple. It is good that he instantly respected that, but it is very bad that it appears he would have been happy if you had swapped. You're not ready. You're not even close to ready yet.

 

Both of you need to take a step back, start real discussions between the two of you, and do a LOT of research into swinging and non-monogamy. This board is an excellent resource for that.

 

 

After a lot of thought, I believe I could be comfortable having a threesome with another woman as long as we didn't know her and he didn't have intercourse with her. My feelings may change later but this seems like a safe place to start.

 

Finding this in the lifestyle is very difficult. Single women are rare in the lifestyle, and they are in VERY high demand. Finding one with the additional restriction of her not getting to have intercourse is, while not impossible, so difficult that you will be looking for years.

 

Your best bet is to find another couple that would like to "soft swap" (everything but actual sex) with. There's plenty of couples like that, and you could be with such a couple next weekend if you tried hard enough.

 

How do I explain to him how I feel without making him feel resentful of my "guidelines"?

 

With patience, love, and a firm stance. It's totally, utterly, completely wrong for him to effectively be forcing you along this path. You either approach it as a team, or not at all. If you don't approach it as a team, it stands a very high chance of ruining your marriage.

 

I'm very scared about the whole situation.

 

Many people coming to swinging are scared. That part, at least, is ok. Western society doesn't raise us to understand non-monogamy. It's well outside the 'norm', and so our ability to approach it comfortably just isn't there. You can gain comfort. There certainly are reasons to be scared (like, as seems with you, a partner trying to force you along). But, literally millions of couples in the U.S. have non-monogamous marriages withOUT cheating going on, and happily make it work.

 

What if I feel jealous about watching him with another woman?

 

That's a reasonable concern. There's plenty of threads and other advice here that addresses that. You shouldn't do more than you are comfortable with. Some women are actively excited by seeing their husbands having sex with other women. Some women could take it or leave it, but are happy for their husbands regardless (that's my wife!). Some women find they can accept soft swap, but can't accept their husbands having sex with other men. Once you do get into swinging (and you're not ready yet), you can find a comfort level for you. Over time, that comfort level may change.

 

 

What if he likes her better or is more satisfied with her than he is with me?

 

Another very common concern. Sex is just one part of marriage among thousands of other facets. Yes, it's an important part, but it's just one part. Are you in love with your husband only for sex? If your husband is having sex with another woman and is enjoying it immensely, say the best sex of his life, does that mean he can't possibly enjoy you? Of course not. Further, I can have sex with other women; I make love only to my wife.

 

There's also a heavy tendency among people to think that the quality of sex needs to be compared. Why?

 

What if we do something as a couple once and I don't want to do it again?

 

Then you stop, and he shouldn't be mad at you. He should thank his lucky stars he has a wife who is so open minded that she would be willing to even consider swinging enough to try it once.

 

What if we do something as a couple and he starts cheating on me behind my back?

 

The vast, vast majority of swingers do not cheat. It's senseless to do so. You already have permission to play with other people. Why go behind your spouse's back and play?

 

That's not to say that if you swing your husband won't cheat. It's also most emphatically not to say that you should swing to avoid cheating. That's like saying "Ok, let's jump off that skyscraper to avoid jumping into the Grand Canyon". Recipe for disaster.

 

Please help. I feel very lost right now.

 

Swinging is something that loving couples do. They've usually been married for many years and have a very firm foundation in their marriage with strong communication skills. They approach it as a team, something they are experiencing together. It's not something they do to avoid infidelity, to fix problems, or to satisfy one at the expense of the other.

 

Swinging is a magnifying glass. If there are problems in a marriage, it will magnify them 10 times over. If there are no problems, it frequently magnifies the love and closeness a couple experiences.

 

I would venture to guess that you wouldn't feel so lost if you and your husband were on the same page, approaching this together, and spending a lot of time talking about the idea of swinging in a non-judgmental, non-aggressive, non-anger motivated manner. You don't have that right now.

 

Instead, you have brewing anger with effective ultimatums to the effect of 'let me have sex with other women or I'll stay angry'.

 

I'd like to have safe, soothing words for your husband. But I don't have any. We don't have his side of the story to be sure, and I may be jumping to conclusions. But, I am angered by his stance and treatment of you. It's wrong. This is NOT how you approach non-monogamy. This is a train wreck waiting to happen.

 

Do NOT swing. You are NOT ready for it. If that means he ends up cheating because you are making the 'rules' and his 'desires' aren't being considered, then fuck him. He needs to grow up and realize that he said "I do" and made a promise to you, a commitment, the most solemn one he can make in his life. If his character is so weak that he feels he must cheat, then he's not worth the time of day.

 

I have very little patience for "men" who behave like this. Can you tell? :lol:

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Unfortunately, hubby's way of opening up the swinging conversation was absolutely terrible. Deciding to swing is a huge step, and it's better to do a little feeling out of the topic to make it digestible.

 

Like those before me said, let him know that this is huge and you need time to think it through and examine your own feelings about it. He has obviously thought about this for some time... you should be allowed the same. We all here have read stories about one spouse dragging the other into the lifestyle with disastrous results.

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Swinging will not fix a stressed relationship.

 

What's needed here is open and candid conversation--your (plural) needs and your (plural) desires.

 

Sexuality is complex. Marriage is complex. The focus ought to be first on your marriage before bringing others into your intimacy.

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Open and swinging relations ships are not for most people. More often then not they lead to heartache and break ups.

 

When he starts getting mad because he did not get "his way" he is saying he is not thinking about the two of you, only himself.

 

If people can't be totally comfortable and agreeing on their needs then bringing other things into the relationship will destroy it.

 

You might want to get him to read what you posted here and the responses. It might open his eyes to what he is asking of you.

 

bbarnsworth posted a lot of good advise there, I would read it a few times if I was you.

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Relax. This does not have to happen tomorrow. Would rather have ur man having these esperiences with u rather than behind ur back? My suGgestion would be to start with mmf's. i think YOU would "get it" and be able to let go a bit. I'm writing from my (fn) blackberry and I'm anxious to read what other people write you. i am very new to this and i FEEL your pain. Hang in there and chat later!!!

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Not sure anyone is realy qualified in any situation. But I do notice something in your story that worries me. He say he wants other women but nothing about you and other men. When that chance for you both to experience it he was happy to bail. Not kknowing more it seems he wants to but doesn't want you too. Just a thought.

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All of these suggestions and insights are excellent. Why don't you and your husband read them together. He may then see how 'short sighted' and 'self concerned' he is and that he needs to get the WE into his thinking. I mean , right now, who would want HIM? LOL. He's got his dick in a knot and his loins are rev'd up-- but he needs to start talking and thinking with his brain and his mouth not with little chuckie down thar.

VegasLee always has good insights and Barnsworth was right on. I think it's awesome that you found THIS site and you are reaching out... KEEP US POSTED!!

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:eek: Read your post and nearly bit through the cigar! I'm taking a wild guess that your earlier experiments in sex toys, S&M, role playing etc. were suggested and pushed by your husband. Now he has a real hair across his __ and he is demanding, regardless what you think!

 

Push or drag your man to this website to help him realize just how far over the edge he is hanging with your relationship.

 

If I sound cranked up about this, it is because years ago, when I was much younger and hopefully a lot dumber than now, I too was obsessed with a wild idea. It turned out to be rude, crude and cost me a fine lady.

 

Olivesman

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First, you are not ready for this yet and that's okay. Slow down. Tell your husband to stop being a prick. Yes, you do get to make rules and guidelines and he should be kissing your feet for doing so. He's got a woman who is sexy, willing, open and giving. He needs to bend over backwards and flip inside out to make sure you are comfortable, safe, secure and content.

 

The fact that you're worried about him cheating on you tells me that you are doing this more for him than for you. It's good to do something selfless for our partner but he needs to understand that it may be his only fuck pass. It sounds like he might be planning for a nonstop sexy party when all you want is to help alleviate the infidelity implications and pressure that's coming from his fantasy.

 

Some of your fears seem like ones I had in the beginning and are probably pretty normal. I havent been here much longer than you (4months) and still have tiny freAkouts from time to time over things that i didnt expect. My guy and I work though them together.

 

What concerns me about your situation is that, after three months, you still feel so frightened and instead of getting better, things are getting worse. You say you feel lost. That doesn't sound like a sound foundation for swinging. This pastime seems to require lots and lots and lots of talking with each other and a good emotional connection plus a firm level of confidence and self worth.

 

Be kind to yourself. Don't do it until you, yourself, want to. If you can't find it arousing and exciting on your own, you might be setting yourself up for heartache.

 

And you know what? If he cheats or can't handle waiting... Well, you know the rest, I bet.

 

Ps: I found a ton of good guidance via Dan Savage (savage love) and this book, "sex at dawn" you might also enjoy Dan's podcast, column or book.

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I agree with previous posters, let him know that you have spent time thinking about the topic. Ask him to also make a list of pros/cons about the activity and designate a time to sit down and begin to have a conversation about it.

 

Important for both of you...what would you want the episode to look like? Where do you factor into his desire to have sex with other women? Does he want a hall pass/permission to play with others? Where does that leave you? Would he be okay if you want to also have sex with other men? In other words "in a perfect world...how do you/he envision the inclusion of others into your sex life". Now the world is not perfect and some negotiation is to be expected.

 

He basically rocked your world and perception of your marriage with the revelation that he wants to have sex with others...its understandable that you would be resentful/angry/scared. Perhaps some perspective for him would be to ask how he might feel if you were the one to approach him about your 'need' to have sex with other men besides him.

 

The fact is some people are more comfortable taking small steps, and if you are one of those people...that's totally fine. Do you feel you could trust him enough to take it slow? Or be able to say to him "you know, can we start by just *insert action*" Whatever the action is (kissing, having an arm around their shoulders, playing with breasts, or oral).

 

Perhaps one question that should be asked is why he has this obsession? There are lots of couples out there that only ever have sex with their spouse or have limited experience before marriage and are pretty content with their life...maybe trying to understand the why behind the want could be helpful.

 

Good luck!

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Yep, what they said.

 

Swinging is a two way street. It involves you both, and it also involves SUPER communication skills, dual respect and dual honesty.

From what I'm reading, it seems to me that he's wanting to cheat with your permission and he really isn't taking your feelings into consideration.

 

VegasLee is right... there's only like 1% of the population that can successfully swing. Most people are not cut out for it. I think you both need to talk at the kitchen table and see what both of your goals are.

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Has he said he said he wants an open marriage? or has he said he just wants to be non-monogamous? There are many ways to be non-monogamous without having an open marriage. If he just wants an open marriage, it sounds like he just wants permission to cheat.

 

That said, it sounds like the issues here go deeper than just a desire for more sexual freedom. And with that, I really don't know what to say, other than to suggest that you get with a marriage counselor.

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