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Boyfriend brought up swinging, but now that I'm enjoying it he wants to stop

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Boyfriend of 4 years.. HE introduced ME to swinging and it felt like --- ahhhh, THIS is what I've been looking for...

 

Now he doesn't want to "share me" because he has realized he "loves" me. Lessee, how the heck did he feel for the FIRST three and a half years when we had an open relationship (at his insistence)??

 

I love him but I don't want to give up swinging. It feels like something I've been looking for all my life and I want to explore it more, even on my own. I feel like he's just trying to control me (first he wants it, then he doesn't, blah blah) but perhaps he's right and I am just being selfish...

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Well, you face a hard question.

 

HMO, it isn't a matter of who's right and who's being selfish: both of you can "be right" at once, both of you have the right to be selfish.

 

There are two problems here:

 

1) The change of your commited rules. It seems he want to make an unilateral change here, when it should be an agreenment. The risk is, if he does so... how would you know if something like this, another change in the commitment you have, won't happen in the future?

 

2) The "love" definition. He now loves you to the point of wanting "exclusivity", but didn't care to "share you" before... so, he wasn't such in love as today but anyway he leave you believe he was? Giving this uncertanity... how certain can you be today, or in the future, about his feelings?

 

I'd like to know if the "share me" you quoted came from his mouth. If so, I dislike the word, it'd be implying you're his property.

 

I'd be very carefull about this. Keep being selfish and try to find out what lead to this change. Jealousy is insecutiry: he may be insecure about himself and his performance, about your feelings, and so on, at last, uncertain about his own hability to avoid losing you or something you aldeady gave to him. This coulc come from anywhere, even a tinny change of attitude, something said that wasn't important for you.

 

If you were togheter three and a half years, and you were swinging without problems, there may be something that threaten him enough as to ask you to stop swinging. The insecurities belongs to himself, but any of you, or both, may have been triggered it, so it would be important to know what was that trigger and which are his fears.

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Boyfriend of 4 years.. HE introduced ME to swinging and it felt like --- ahhhh, THIS is what I've been looking for...

 

Now he doesn't want to "share me" because he has realized he "loves" me. Lessee, how the heck did he feel for the FIRST three and a half years when we had an open relationship (at his insistence)??

 

I love him but I don't want to give up swinging. It feels like something I've been looking for all my life and I want to explore it more, even on my own. I feel like he's just trying to control me (first he wants it, then he doesn't, blah blah) but perhaps he's right and I am just being selfish...

 

Hi, I am a little confused do you mean swinging as in both of you together meet singles/couples/groups for 3/4somes and group sex and never apart or

 

you had an open relationship where you both met people individually?

 

or a bit of both?

 

It makes a big difference to any answers IMHO

 

From the "I love you statement" I suspect you mean "open relationship"

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assuming that you love him and you are in touch with your emotions. HIT THE BRAKES.

its defanitly time to comunicate not swing.take some time.determin where your relationship is. remember only move as fast as the slower person in a commited relationship.take some advice from the members here and realy talk this out. you feel that you belong here in this lifestyle, it takes 2 people sharing those feelings in a relationship. best wishes with comunication. :)

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You know what? Things change, life changes, relationships change, love grows and so on. It's like a big oak tree with many branches and stems.

 

I would say your faced with some decisions then. This is your boy friend, not your husband. Your not married to him....your only commited.

 

So, if he wants to stop swinging because he now "Loves" you then that's understandable as love grows, feelings grow with it. I don't think he is feeling possessive of you as much as now his feelings are thinking how much they don't want to loose you. If he really loves you then he needs to be considering marriage and a family.

 

You like swinging and I think he does also, just that in the beginning when you two first started swinging the relationship was more casual for him, probably for you also. Now his feelings have grown for you and he wants to stop swinging, something he introduced you to and something you discovered you like.

 

So, are you ready to move on? End the relationship with him and explore the world of swinging with out him? Maybe you are and maybe your not. If you end the relationship then will your next boy friend or partner even consider swinging? Do you want to swing alone as a single female?

 

If you are both swinging alone and not together, such as an open relationship, then your decision to either leave or stay is easier for both of you.

 

If you don't want to move on then it's time for a heart to heart talk with him. The bottom line is he made his bed and now he has to sleep in it. You can explain to him that for right now anyways, swinging is something you want to do and you want his love also. Maybe you and he can compromise. For example; limit your swinging to once or twice a month or something else.

 

I think the situation is negotiable, your "In Love" BF is going to have to be the one to make a bigger compromise because he got you started into this to begin with. Your compromise is based on your needs / wants and how you want to persue and explore further swinging.

 

Who knows, swinging may just be a "Thing" for you right now and although I do not know your age, if your young your priorities may change after you start a family, etc.

 

So, if it comes down to ending the relationship then I'd let him end, or both of you mutually agree to end it, as this impasse in your relationship is based on his change of mind. Tell him you need swinging in your sex life and want to share it in your relationship with him. If that doesn't work for him, especially now after he involved you in it, then it would be best if you both moved on.

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Well I have to agree with the the line of thought that this is your boyfriend and not your husband. Are you willing to give up the three years you invested in him to go into swinging, keeping in mind that just like any activity the newness will wear off over time, and it definately has a lot of downsides to it. Ultimately the choice has to be this: Which one CAN'T you live with out?

 

Take some time and have a serious discussion with him and determine if you can reach a comprimise, are you going to have to get out of swinging all together, or are you going to have to end the relationship. Only you know the answer to this one.

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"Ultimately the choice has to be this: Which one CAN'T you live with out?"

 

 

Exactly! Well said MJ!

 

Sounds like this guy doesn't mind "openness" unless you are getting more out of it than he is! If you want to keep the relationship, seek counseling. With or without him, you need some help to sort this out. Good luck!

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Well, this is tough one. Like others said, it's about which one is more important to you.

 

But you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend. Why does he not want this anymore? And because he loves you is not a good enough answer in my opinion. You need to find out what he's been feeling to make him change his mind.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

~SS

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I'm sorry to haer you've come upon this problem. My initial answer to you would be the same as to a male who's gf didn't want to swing anymore. For the moment, stop. In any swinging relationsgip two of the most important guidelines to follow are:

 

1. progress at the comfort level of the least comfortable person only.

2. communicate, communicate, communicate.

 

As his comfort level has apparently lowered and you don't understand why or what has caused the change, I would venture that the communication between the two of you is lacking. Sit down and discuss the situation, what it is that has changed for him. Talk about it until you fully realize and understand the "why's" of the whole situation. Once the two of you understand fully what is happening to cause this change in your relationship, you will be able to make informed decisions to best suit you both.

 

In the past when things have bothered Princess Dawn with aspects of the lifestyle, we always found communication helped us solve all.

 

Best advise here? Talk.

Good luck.

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I would say your faced with some decisions then. This is your boy friend, not your husband. Your not married to him....your only commited.

Well I have to agree with the the line of thought that this is your boyfriend and not your husband.

I've never understood this. Does a contract (marriage certificate) really make a difference? Can you not be committed without being married? :confused:

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I've never understood this. Does a contract (marriage certificate) really make a difference? Can you not be committed without being married? :confused:
Yea, there's a difference. It's like leasing a car versus buying it outright. The overall "cost" is about the same, but one method just keeps it off the books.

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Yea, there's a difference. It's like leasing a car versus buying it outright. The overall "cost" is about the same, but one method just keeps it off the books.

 

:lol::lol: ..

 

I'm not saying that you cannot be commited in a relationship when you are not married. To me the difference is when you are not married it is a whole lot easier to break up with someone if you determine that you are not right for each other, then it is when you are married.

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:lol::lol: ..

 

I'm not saying that you cannot be commited in a relationship when you are not married. To me the difference is when you are not married it is a whole lot easier to break up with someone if you determine that you are not right for each other, then it is when you are married.

 

Well, we have a 16 years relationship, technically speaking we're not married altough we reffer to each other as husband and wife for short. The commitment has nothing to do with what you keep off the books, and no one is able to say how long is enough to turn a commited relationship into a "serious" one, if 6 months, 3 years, 16 years, or 25.

 

Let's suppose she said she meet him 3,5 years ago, and actually married him one year ago. The only adition she'd have here is that, should she decide to break up, she'd have to face a legal overload, i.e., divorce paperwork. So the issue would be basically the same wheter she were married or not.

 

She's asking for advice because of the emotional stress this situation brings to her. This is something subjective, no one can deprive this stress from weight because there isn't a marriage involved, even for those who actually feels, subjectively, that marriage makes a difference.

 

So, I think we should stick to the emotional stress and the ways she may have to deal with it, as to be able to reach to her own decision.

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I'm not saying that you cannot be commited in a relationship when you are not married. To me the difference is when you are not married it is a whole lot easier to break up with someone if you determine that you are not right for each other, then it is when you are married.
That's what I meant. A lot cheaper too, especially if you're the primary wage-earner in the family.

 

Four years ain't exactly a "Spring Fling," and he was the one who brought her into this. There's something missing here. I wonder what's really going on with him?

 

I think some people are "situational swingers." That is, they can be, in the right relationship. The rest of us either are, or we aren't. I was very fortunate to be married to a woman who was a situational swinger. It would be a bitch to learn that you were a "real" swinger, only to find out, after 4 years, that your partner wasn't.

 

I'd still like to hear his side of the story...the real side. But since he's not sharing it with her, he probably isn't going to share it with us, either.

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Boyfriend of 4 years.. HE introduced ME to swinging and it felt like --- ahhhh, THIS is what I've been looking for...

 

Now he doesn't want to "share me" because he has realized he "loves" me. Lessee, how the heck did he feel for the FIRST three and a half years when we had an open relationship (at his insistence)??

 

I love him but I don't want to give up swinging. It feels like something I've been looking for all my life and I want to explore it more, even on my own. I feel like he's just trying to control me (first he wants it, then he doesn't, blah blah) but perhaps he's right and I am just being selfish...

Without your boyfriend's input, it's impossible to give a fair and balanced opinion. But from your post, it appears to me (Mrs.) that you are angry his feelings on the subject of swinging have changed. Pulling the ole' "he's trying to control me" is a bit much too. So what if he was the one that introduced you to swinging/open relationships, that doesn't mean he can't change his mind after experiencing the lifestyle. In fact, your "blah blah blah" comment really strikes me as being self-centered and immature. Communication is the cornerstone to any relationship (swinging or vanilla), and the two of you really need to work on that area, if you decide to stay with him.

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I ran this one by Mrs. WS for another perspective on it. We both agree that something happened recently that has made him uneasy, insecure, and thus jealous. You need to find what this is. Without hearing his side of it, too, it is difficult to give advice.

 

Something Mrs. WS brought-up, and it's pretty blunt... Maybe he's been using swinging as a way of having you while looking for something better. After 3-1/2 years he's realized this isn't going to happen and now he wants to close-up the relationship and protect what he preceives as his. This is where I particularily agree with sereneiders, this implies that he has staked claim to you and you are his property. if this is the case, this alone will lead to problems the future.

 

Does he want to stop swinging altogether, or just wants to stop full swap, going to a FMF situation only?

 

Also, sometimes people confuse jealousy with love, thinking the stronger the love the stronger the jealousy.

 

Whatever it is you both have to talk about it. You have to know why the sudden change of heart on his behalf. It is not fair to you to all of a sudden call it off without any explanation or justification past "well, I love you". Well I love Mrs. WS to no end, and because I do, her happiness is essential to my own. Love can not be selfish. What some people think is love is actually possessiveness, which is a symptom of insecurity.

 

Mr. WS

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Well, we have a 16 years relationship, technically speaking we're not married altough we reffer to each other as husband and wife for short.

 

The original poster didn't refer to the male as her Husband. She called him a Boy Friend. The difference is Marriage (whether from the heart or from a state issued license) is Husband / Wife. She used the term, which represented her relationship with the male as a Boy Friend.

 

A "Contract" in reference to a marriage license as stated earlier has less to do with the emotional commitment of marriage than it does with the legal commitment of marriage. A "marriage license" entitles both parties to certain legal rights and protections and is recognized by the government. A marriage license "technically" means your married. The marriage ceremony means your "emotionally committed" to marriage.

 

It's certainly possible to be "committed" and not have a license (contract). The two; License and Committment", do not have to go hand in hand.

 

At least it's supposed to work that way, but there's always exception to the rule. I'm sure someone here has an exception to the rule.

 

Not married (emotionally or otherwise) is Boy Friend / Girl Friend. If a couple calls themselves Boy Friend / Girl Friend then that's what they are. If they call themselves Husband / Wife then that's what they are. It's their choice and no one elses. The marriage lisence / contract just ties it together legally.

 

It's Friend or Husband or Wife.

 

There is also a difference between getting a "divorice" from your Husband or Wife and "breaking up" with your Boy Friend or Girl Friend.

 

It's easier to break up with your "Friend" than it is to get a "Divorice" from your spouse. Divorice is the #2 most negative emotional stress an individual can go through. Loosing a child is #1.

 

Breaking up with a Boy Friend / Girl Friend is much farther down the list....

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Okay, Just so people don't think I am dumping on the non married people out there... :lol: . I never said at any point that you could not be in a committed relationshiip and not be married. What I said is that it is a whole lot easier to break up with someone who you are not married to. Getting a divorce is costly and takes time. I was there when my now husband was going through the final stages of his divorce, it took a lot of money, he gave up a lot of his things just to get it over with, and ofcourse you have that year you have to wait until it is final, not to mention it can be an emotional rollercoaster.

 

So my point once again is.....better to break up while you are not married (if it came to that), as there is a lot more at stake when you are married. AND you can be equally committed in both situations.

 

Sorry to have derailed the train on this one.

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Sounds like this guy doesn't mind "openness" unless you are getting more out of it than he is!

 

 

You are so right... When we first started it was supposed to be a casual, 'open', no strings relationship. He would go months without calling, etc. But on the other hand, he became more involved in my life, even meeting my kids before I was ready (showed up where we were eating dinner). He unconsciously NEEDS a serious relationship, but consciously DENIES this.

 

I have loved him for a long time, but anyone I am involved with over a period of time is my friend and I care about them. Love is just another step along that axis. I can love more than one person at a time.

 

We have been swinging (when he's been into our relationship) for a couple years now. Last spring he told me he didn't want to be anything but "friends" and not have sex, so I decided to seek out my own relationships and swing on my own. He couldn't handle that and required 'exclusivity' by September. From Sept to this last March it's been nothing but ups and downs. I am tired, bone tired, of the inconsistency. So I told him I was going to have to start swinging again.

 

Basically he had control of the relationship til last Spring and I think all this other emotional crap is his unconscious desire to retain control of the relationship. It's too late, there's only so much I am willing to put up with.

 

I appreciate everyone's thoughtful feedback, it has really helped, along with some input from local swingers I am involved with.

 

Ultimately, I know I am not built for monogamy and MY issues are that when someone puts pressure on me like that, I get very squirrely. I just can't even get close to it without twitching, lol. I may not DO anything with anyone, but I have to feel like I have the choice.

 

As someone else posted, I believe I may have mishandled this particular episode, but his insecurities belong to himself and there's nothing I can do about that but provide insight and communication.

 

I am no longer afraid he will 'leave' me or I will 'lose' him. I have to participate in swinging and have friends with benefits outside of my relationship with him or I will go nuts because he's not truly committed. He can talk the talk, but not walk it.

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I've never understood this. Does a contract (marriage certificate) really make a difference? Can you not be committed without being married? :confused:

 

 

To me, yes. There is a level of economic stability involved. He doesn't support me financially or anything else, so to be blunt, I don't 'owe' him like I would someone who did. It may be messed up, but that is the way our society is. I 'owe' him what I would any human being I cared about -- consideration, tact, try to 'do no harm' but I am not dependent on him and therefore am more free to make my own decisions.

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Yea, there's a difference. It's like leasing a car versus buying it outright. The overall "cost" is about the same, but one method just keeps it off the books.

 

 

:lol:

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Without your boyfriend's input, it's impossible to give a fair and balanced opinion. But from your post, it appears to me (Mrs.) that you are angry his feelings on the subject of swinging have changed. Pulling the ole' "he's trying to control me" is a bit much too. So what if he was the one that introduced you to swinging/open relationships, that doesn't mean he can't change his mind after experiencing the lifestyle. In fact, your "blah blah blah" comment really strikes me as being self-centered and immature. Communication is the cornerstone to any relationship (swinging or vanilla), and the two of you really need to work on that area, if you decide to stay with him.

 

 

You are right, I was, and am being somewhat self-centered and immature. I want to have my cake and to eat it too, I admit. He's been involved in the lifestyle for YEARS. I have not, I am just discovering how it fits my personality like a glove. I am not ready to give it up.

 

He wants to feel free to have women come on to him but not the opposite for me. I don't really care what he does with other women, but if he wants an exclusive relationship, why does he not introduce me as his girlfriend to them, at the very least??? When I brought this us, since it does get tiring making small talk with women who want to sleep with him regardless of whether I am sitting there or not, he said it didn't matter as *I* was the one he was with. Well, it's just plain impolite not to introduce your girlfriend as your girlfriend. Unless, of course, you don't want people to know...

 

He's 57 and should know his own mind, he's been married twice. I am 37, been married once, and KNOW THAT I DO NOT WANT A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP, and have been totally consistent and honest about that from the start.

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Also, sometimes people confuse jealousy with love, thinking the stronger the love the stronger the jealousy.

Mr. WS

 

 

I think he does. I understand, I am a jealous person too because I am insecure about my looks or whatever, but I deal with it on my own. He had no idea for a long time that I had any jealousy because I simply didn't let it interfere. I feel it, identify it, and put it where it belongs -- in the 'gotta work on that' folder.

 

His jealousy is very possessive. I think you are right, his "I don't want to lose you, I love you" is more possessiveness than anything else because he perceives me being with other people as taking something from him. He has said this. I have tried to communicate that it takes NOTHING from him, emotionally, and physically if he's not sleeping with me most of the time who cares if I am sleeping with someone else? We haven't even spent more than two entire nights together because of his hangups with intimacy, I think. How can he suddenly want to possess someone he can't even sleep overnight with????

 

I am trying not to just look at my emotional reactions but at behavior. I am trying not to be too harsh on him, but I think I've reached the end of my rope. It's been a long rope. I am perfectly comfortable with swinging alone, I only want a few couples and singles to mix it up with on a regular basis when my ex-husband has the children, and to live my life (work, take care of my two elementary age children, etc) without DRAMA.

 

Incidentally, my divorce was mainly because I was unfaithful. I learned my lesson from that, I need to be open about relationships and not get into a situation where my emotional and physical needs are not being met. My ex and I have worked out what happened and are close friends. My b/f knows all about this, knows everything about me that I can possibly think of, yet is secretive and doesn't even want me talking to his family.

 

Anyway, thanks for all your input, folks, I think I have a handle on this now. I have to be open, communicative, but not compromise MY feelings on this to try and make him feel better or whatever. I have to take responsibility for how I have mishandled things, but be honest about why and what I truly need from our relationship. I have to think about him as an entire person, not just someone who is 'holding me back', which is truly the frame of mind I was in when I made the original post.

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We haven't even spent more than two entire nights together because of his hangups with intimacy, I think. How can he suddenly want to possess someone he can't even sleep overnight with????

Winemedineme.....I must say, this sounds like a relationship of convenience for him. How can you be in a relationship for 4 years and not spend back to back nights together :confused: And he's been married 3 times before :confused: Haven't you even been on a vacation with him?

 

My b/f knows all about this, knows everything about me that I can possibly think of, yet is secretive and doesn't even want me talking to his family.

How can he not want you even talking to his family? What the hell is he afraid of or embarrassed about?

 

Girl......I'd walk across broken glass and red hot coals to get out of this relationship :eek: You need to find a guy that will respect you....and I'm not even talking about your swinging desires.

 

Good luck,

Brett

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Winemedineme.....I must say, this sounds like a relationship of convenience for him. How can you be in a relationship for 4 years and not spend back to back nights together :confused: And he's been married 3 times before :confused: Haven't you even been on a vacation with him?

 

 

How can he not want you even talking to his family? What the hell is he afraid of or embarrassed about?

 

Girl......I'd walk across broken glass and red hot coals to get out of this relationship :eek: You need to find a guy that will respect you....and I'm not even talking about your swinging desires.

 

Good luck,

Brett

Dito

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Winemedineme.....I must say, this sounds like a relationship of convenience for him. How can you be in a relationship for 4 years and not spend back to back nights together :confused: And he's been married 3 times before :confused: Haven't you even been on a vacation with him?

 

 

How can he not want you even talking to his family? What the hell is he afraid of or embarrassed about?

 

Girl......I'd walk across broken glass and red hot coals to get out of this relationship :eek:

 

Just married twice... ex-wife, one deceased..

 

No, no vacation. I do not know how we did this, it's weird. I think he's afraid not embarrassed but I do not know... It's bizarre.

 

I guess it was just easier for me to try and be flexible than just move on. Not convenient, no, but I really believe in giving someone all the time they need. I am just thinking I am too tired to do it anymore. Plus, we want different things now.

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.....but I really believe in giving someone all the time they need.

He'd have been lucky to get 6 months from most women......let alone 4 years :( It's guys like these that give the rest of us a bad name :rolleyes:

 

I'm still trying to figure out what the hell you're getting out of this relationship. I could at least understand if he was your "sugar daddy" or something :lol: It's about time you started lookin' after Number 1.

 

Brett

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I guess I was getting someone to love out of the relationship. I am going to ask Julie to delete this thread. I don't want to add fuel to the fire with him, I mentioned this site as a great resource and I am sure if he sees all this he will get angrier than I really want to deal with at this point. I am running out of glasses to throw -- just KIDDING.

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To me jealousy is NOT love...it's got a bit of possesiveness built in though. No one OWNS anyone...we stay together because of our love for each other and the desire to be with that person. When things get to the point where there is no discussion anymore then it's time to reconsider the relationship.

 

I was reading through a manual on how to race motorcycles faster...Lot's of talk about mistakes and how they are a result not a symptom. Also talked about barriers to our success (see lives or improvement) and mentioned how they were really good things. They tell us where our problems lie and we know that they are keeping us from attaining our goal (faster times) so rather then look at them as a negative we should look at them as a positive and solve them. The barriers change as we go faster and may reappear, but by then we will know how to deal with them better.

 

Stop swinging and live with his barriers or leave knowing that your best life is ahead of you.

 

M.D.

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Dear WineMeDineMe...,

 

Where's Intuition when we need her. LOL

 

From what I've read, I only hear about "control". Personally, I didn't think "love" for whatever that is should be "control". From day one I've told my significant other that our relationship should be one that doesn't put shackles on either of us so we can explore and expand in any direction we desire. To put limits is to create a prison (except for when actions might put someone or something in harm's way).

 

For what it's worth, I would suggest talking again with your boyfriend especially about your concept of polyamory and explain how important it is to you for whatever reason. He also needs to come clean with why he has made such a change (which seems contrary to what I would suppose most men would think). If you both can't come to terms with the results of that discussion, then you'll need to decide whether living in his "prison" is better than leaving on your own. If so, then push for "the ring". If not, then my wager is there are plenty of others in the world who would be interested in you as you are. I'm sure you'd be able to find them easily with either Googling for polyamory or swinger groups.

 

Best of luck.

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winemed(...too long sorry ),

 

I've reading your posts and the way they were changing over time. I must say I found out you reached a very toughtfull, balanced and grounded view of this issue, that came both from being able to critisize him and, moreover, yourself (and this is something hard to find), and from clarifying what you want in this stage of your life (something very respectable, btw).

 

If you look around, most threads regarding issues doesn't end up with a closure, and I believe you did it in your post #23. Wheter there are people who may agree or disagree with you, I feel the purpose of the forum got served, and I think this is something worth to point out.

 

Now the but... (there's allways a but?). But I disagree with your idea of asking Julie to delete the thread. One of the values forums have is that other people may read, later on, a thread that gives them an insight to their own issues, and regarding to this value, the forum purpose wasn't still wholly served with this thread, and I believe it would be betrayed if the thread were deleted.

 

Moreover when, like in this case, from having a closure from you as the original poster, also prove the forum to be usefull and become a paradigm of how forums should work.

 

Thank you for your posts, and for the closure itself. A lot of people, even when solving their issues, doesn't give us such a feedback, so I feel appropiate to remark and valuate when someone does so.

 

I believe your insight and attitude would be highly appreciated in the forum should you stick around, and I'd like you to do it.

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i agree with sereneiders, we try not to post in the areas where we realy dont have the experiance to give any advice.(maby an opinion every one has one) but i mr.fun have learned something here. thank you for the insight. if the thread is deleted please stick around and add some insight in the future.(love your independence) best of wishes

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