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Fell in love with a swinger but I'm not comfortable with swinging

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I met a guy on a sex and swingers site. We started out just having casual sex. Three weeks later he got deployed overseas. We had clicked extremely well. During his tour overseas we stayed in touch and talked everyday. Somewhere along the way we fell for each other. In the midst of all of this we also shared secret fantasies and desires. We seemed extremely compatible with each other. One exception was that I knew he wanted to swing, and while I wasn't completely opposed to the idea, I wasn't sure I could handle watching him with other women. I never lied to him about my insecurities in that area. And he never lied to me about wanting a swinging lifestyle. He has since come back from Iraq, and we started off on a life together. We've attempted swinging twice with other couples. The other day that all came to a screeching halt when I told him I wasn't sure I wanted to swing and asked him if he'd leave if I didn't. Basically, after several days of tear-filled heart-breaking conversations the answer was yes, because it's something he doesn't want to give up. And I'm not willing to say yes, it's something I can accept for the rest of my life.

I don't know if I really have a question at this point or just needed to vent. But, I guess it comes down to my insecurities of him being with other women. How do you make that go away? I know rationally that he's not going to leave or fall in love with the other woman... but emotionally it seems like a hurdle taller than I can surmount... :sad:

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It's difficult, the place you find yourself. You know you are in love with him, and he tells you he loves you as well.

 

But in my opinion, your problem isn't yours, it's his.

 

I am also a soldier, and for my whole married life, my wife and I have been quite active in playing with others. From the time that we started dating, then after a 3 year hiatus where we concentrated solely on each other.

 

Our key though, was that we spent the time concentrating on each other first. We made a mutual decision that yes, we loved each other, but we missed the days of just hanging out with friends in whatever state of dress, whatever state of sexual attraction that there was.

 

Right now you feel insecure in yourself and that he wants only you. You have decided you want him and only him, from coming out of what sounds like the same type thing that my wife and I got tegether in.

 

If he's not willing to give that sort of thing up, is it possible that he is himself having commitment problems? I'd certainly be concerned that he wants to marry you and is not at all interested in taking a hiatus and just working with you to develop the sort of relationship that builds all the trust for this lifestyle.

 

There are many reasons for having a wife when you're in the Army. I know because I deal with soldiers daily, soldiers who want the NCOs out of their lives and out of the barracks, to wanting that extra money for the support of a family.

 

I'd sincerely ask him if he is willing to table the discusson for later, to concentrate on you two versus the group thing and playing with each other. As mutual trust builds within a relationship, as mutual understanding comes, so does the jealousy wither away. Who knows, 3 years from now you might find both of yourselves with a reversed viewpoint.

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Well, I am sorry to hear of your situation. But, I have to say, you DID meet on a swinger's site.

 

I do agree with Dave_Kat, it may be a good idea to work on the two of your first. Build that relationship first, then worry about swinging later on. Although, if he isn't willing to give it up for you, he may not be worth it.

 

~SS

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You know, I missed that part, about the Sex and Swinger's site. Reminds me of this weekend, where we were at a club, and some Army Captain started talkin to my wife and myself. The whole Army guys have to stick together routine and all that.

 

Come to find out the guy was an unescorted single male who had been LEFT by the couple who had brought him (against the club rules, states that all singles needed to be escorted at all times by their sponsors), and had started telling people that we had brought him.

 

I overhear soldiers in my unit who have no idea what a "Swinger" is, or that my wife and I swing, talk about signing up and trying to get into a woman's bed that way. Guess they think it's easier than meeting someone on their own.

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I overhear soldiers in my unit who have no idea what a "Swinger" is, or that my wife and I swing, talk about signing up and trying to get into a woman's bed that way. Guess they think it's easier than meeting someone on their own.

 

Well, of course it's easier that way. All swingers are dirtly little sluts who'll just fuck anybody! ;)

 

~SS

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How do you make that go away? I know rationally that he's not going to leave or fall in love with the other woman... but emotionally it seems like a hurdle taller than I can surmount... :sad:

 

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation!

 

You don't make it go away. These are feelings that you have to work with and through. No matter how much your partner reassures you it isn't something that he can put to rest.

 

Swinging (or any other absolute) can't be a criteria for a relationship. It can only be one small part of the whole. As the previous posters have said, work on what the two of you have and then come back to the swinging issue. If he is willing to let the rest go by the wayside over this one thing then you may have to come to terms with moving on. Don't get into swinging as a way to keep your relationship together. It will only come apart later in a much larger way!

 

Good luck! I hope you'll be able to work it out.

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You met this guy on a "sex and swingers website," and now, after investing considerable time and effort into this relationship, you've decided that you don't want to swing after all?

 

That's the kind of shit that drives guys crazy.

 

Some people say they would have no problem walking away from swinging if their partners asked them to. Other people say it's a deal-breaker, and that if their partners won't swing, they'll go outside the marriage to find someone who does.

 

My guess is that this is a deal-breaker for him. If the swinging isn't, the duplicity should be.

 

There's a lot of talk in here about the importance of "honesty in a relationship." You weren't being honest with this guy or with yourself when you posted your ad on a swingers website.

 

Speaking of honesty, let's be honest about why most single women post ads on adult/swinger websites in the first place. It's because they get more responses there than they do from vanilla sites...TONS more. But if that's why you did it, and you need that much "bait" to attract men, the problems with whatever relationships may ensue may not be rooted in your "insecurities about swinging," but elswhere.

 

When you chum the waters, you get sharks. Next time, try one hook, one worm, and a little patience. Single guys and would-be swingers everywhere will thank you.

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Swinging (or any other absolute) can't be a criteria for a relationship. It can only be one small part of the whole.
On this, I beg to differ with you. An interest in ANY activity or criteria can be a prerequisite for a relationship, if a person decides that's what's important to them. That's why groups such as "Christian Singles," "Jewish Singles," "Parents Without Partners, " etc. are in existence....those things are important to the members of those groups. "Must Love Dogs" isn't just a movie title...it's a requirement, for people who want to date people who just happen to love dogs.

 

That's important here, because the common interest that originally brought these two people together was swinging, and because it's virtually impossible for one person in a relationship to be a swinger unless their partner actively supports that interest.

 

How important being a "swinger" (or being Christian, or Jewish, or a single parent) is, or should be, to a relationship is something that could be debated all day long. The fact is, that to this guy, it WAS important...important enough that he went to a swingers website, and not to a vanilla one, to meet women.

 

He is, or wants to be. She isn't, and doesn't want to be. Why do people try so hard to make things "fit," when there obviously isn't a connection on something as important as this?

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Guest MrsVan
But, I guess it comes down to my insecurities of him being with other women. How do you make that go away? I know rationally that he's not going to leave or fall in love with the other woman... but emotionally it seems like a hurdle taller than I can surmount... :sad:

 

I know what you mean when it comes to insecurities when it comes to watching the man you love be with another woman. MrVan and I have an amazing relationship and through my past relationships I have not been able to get over the insecurities..Our first swap didn't bother me but as we get closer to our first FFM, I begin to get concerned. But by talking over my concerns with MrVan and continuing to know that at the end of the night he will be going home with me, that is all I need to make sure that my insecurities are gone. I know that he loves me and will never leave me as our relationship is so strong. It takes time and you both need to talk things through and explain why you have the insecurities and have him to help you realize that he is wanting only you to share his life with. ;)

 

I feel for your situation and wish you the best of luck!

 

MrsVan

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You met this guy on a "sex and swingers website," and now, after investing considerable time and effort into this relationship, you've decided that you don't want to swing after all?

 

That's the kind of shit that drives guys crazy.

 

 

I have to disagree here. Sites like AFF also have ads for singles seeking singles, so swinging might not have been such a prominent aspect of the original post. "Swinging while dating" for us at least, is along the lines of sex-buddies or even the way Kat and I met. When we dated, sure we slept wit our friends. But after, when we decided to get married, we stopped. Built our own relationship outside of the sex with friends. We discussed it years later and went back into things, once our relationship was firmly developed.

 

It may have been a poor choice of sites to use, it might have implied the wrong thing. But if it was a fem seeking male ad, where does swinging even come into it, except somewhat related due to the site they viewed each other's profile?

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It may have been a poor choice of sites to use, it might have implied the wrong thing.

Gee... ya think?

 

With all due respect to the OP, this is a simple case of bait and switch if ever I saw one. Wanna know why lots of people think most single women in the lifestyle are bat-shit crazy? Situations like the one the OP has found herself in are why.

 

Honey, realize this... dollars to donuts it's not going to work out with Mr. Wonderful here. You'd be doing yourself specifically, and the single male population in general, a favor to keep it to vanilla dating sites.

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My wife once asked me if I would still love her if she weighed 300 pounds and I said I wouldn't; at least not the same way. That was before we got married. If she'd asked that after we were married, well, we wouldn't have the same opportunities to walk away from it, if that was to be the criteria. Sounds selfish I know, but she asked. You don't just meet someone and start compromising do you? I'd stay married...but not as happily, because my priorites weren't being met.

 

This situation sounds similar. You can still walk away and not feel so hurt. Live and learn. Your man has decided that he has to swing. That doesn't mean he will never love you or take care of you. Separate sex and love and have a good start to understanding him. As for you and the bait and switch? That is a tough test. I know swingers take "breaks" to "reconnect". They realize the importance of their relationship and it's place in the big picture.

 

Trust is one of the things that makes swinging work. The fact that you are just having sex or "fun" with someone else and you then leave together. Sure other swingers may have differences in how they deal with this but that is the general tone.

 

I won't tell you what to do other than talk some more...and some more.

 

M.D.

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Sites like AFF also have ads for singles seeking singles, so swinging might not have been such a prominent aspect of the original post. ...if it was a fem seeking male ad, where does swinging even come into it, except somewhat related due to the site they viewed each other's profile?
I agree, AFF is slightly different from the other sites, in that it's focus tends to be more on plain old "sex" rather than "swinging." Because she used the term "sex and swingers site," I assumed that it was either Swingers Board, Swingers Date Club, Swappernet, or another one in which the words "Swinging" or "Swapping" were part of the title.

 

BTW, it sounds like you guys had your priorities right when you started your relationship. Congratulations on getting it right...

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We did in fact meet on AFF... and I was only looking for men for casual encounters... for whatever reason there was an instant spark between us.

He was deployed only a few weeks after we met, but we kept in touch and it got to the point that he called and we IM'd every day. So, we naturally decided to move into a relationship. Yes, I knew he had interests in swinging from early on because we were very open with each other about our desires. I had never done any swinging before we met, and I in turn was interested in trying it, but was not sure I'd be comfortable with it... especially when it came to sharing with other women. We talked about all of this... many times... I think he felt that I was open enough that if I tried it I'd like it and get more into it... And I felt that it was something I was willing to try out, but if it wasn't comfortable then we could step away from that and it would be ok. Well, we were both wrong....

 

So, anyway, we had a good long talk tonight.... and we're working on it... yes, it's a trust issue for me... something I'll have to work on...

Yes, it's something he wants and doesn't feel he should have to give up.

 

To his credit, he has never pressured me to perform... but rather has left it up to me to decide who and when....

 

Anyways, thanks all for your responses... there is a lot of good points mentioned to think on and discuss.

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I agree with JnCC here. Even when she meet this guy trough AFF, this guy was upfront with her when telling the importance the lifestyle would have in a relationship for him.

 

The problem here is that she let grow her expectations even knowing of her own incertanities about engaging in something this guy stated beforehand was critical for him in a relationship.

 

"I am looking for short guys, but I start meeting a tall one telling him tall guys are fine for me. Once hooked in the relationship I will ask him to chop his legs at the heingt of his knees to have a guy fitting my tastes." It doesn't work this way.

 

Also, the guy expectations about meeting someone TO be swingers is unrealistic. Swinging is an enhancement to the relationship, one that you have to set aside from time to time, when there are issues that could damage the relationship, so he should face that he MAY end up swinging or he MAY not, and there will be moments where he wont be able to swing, and this shouldn't threat the relationship. From the last post, it seems he's aware of this when not pressing her into this, but anyway, I believe he have motivations to feel pissed and misleaded from the scratch.

 

If I were this guy, I'd be weaving her good bye and ensure to put a safe distance. If not, from now and on... how to trust on her about many other things I could be being missleaded? As example (may not be the case, just to expose the point), I don't want to have kids at least for a couple of years, she agreed but.... ooops... she get pregnant in the next few months... am I able to believe it happends because of an accident? She may stop taking the pill after missleading me, the same way she did before when I told her I wanted to swing.

 

A relationship is based on mutual trust, and here it seems trust was spoiled, I cannot figure out a way to recover it. Sorry.

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yes, we talked about swinging being somethink he liked and wanted, but it never came up before now that it was something he wasn't willing to live without....

I really don't believe I did any iny intentional misleading... I was upfront about my fears and issues with swinging in all our conversations on the subject...

 

Neither he nor I has ever been in a swinging relationship before this.... so it's not a lifestyle that he's been into and I've tried to pull him away from... I'm the first woman he's been with that's been willing to try it out...

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My dear please don't let your man go out that door!!!!!!!!! I was there once and the main thing to remember that sex with other's are internament social sex and the big word sex,it is not LOVE !!!! that is hard for us women sometimes, but if you and he just talk about it. Tell him you are sorry for not being truefull to him, ask his to forgive you, kiss and talk and talk let him know you are willing to go that way. Tell him how you enjoyed talking to him about it and you want to go that way but you will ask him to help you that you love him and need his help. When you talk about these feeling of why you can't stand the thoughts of him with another woman it is just being jealous. You have to love him effect and most improtant, YOUR SELFto look at your feeling about you!!! You will soon understand as you two talk that is a very old way us human's have devolped over time, in other words no big deal, he should be proud that you feel this way. He will understand this and you don't see yourself as someone that he could love you that much too trust you & in his trust in his love for you. Trusting each other to be truthfull about everything nothing is too small to talk about here,this is one of the keys to enjoying swinging and having just fun sex not love and your committment to your marriage or the love you now have for him, no matter what!!!! Why it takes some couples years to come to even think about swinging, you two are young. One of the things my darling just to say to me is Relax darling Nothing is going to happen unless you want it and this is power yes women have all the power in this lifestyle. Some clubs do not let the males, in this all couples club too ask the lady's for they sexual favor, women do all the asking !!!! This would help me when the old way we are taught to look at sex, woman are to save themselves for one man only, that sex is not for fun, you are dirty, all the old social outlooks. I can do what I want too depending on how I feel. we went slow, just nude games touching, then I realized that I got very turned on by seeing hubby touching another woman's tit's and now we have never been happier in my life I feel totally free in my spirit and if moral issues there is a christ center swinger's site enjoy reading and growing with your lover and husband to be I hope.

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You met this guy on a "sex and swingers website," and now, after investing considerable time and effort into this relationship, you've decided that you don't want to swing after all?

 

That's the kind of shit that drives guys crazy.

 

Some people say they would have no problem walking away from swinging if their partners asked them to. Other people say it's a deal-breaker, and that if their partners won't swing, they'll go outside the marriage to find someone who does.

 

My guess is that this is a deal-breaker for him. If the swinging isn't, the duplicity should be.

 

There's a lot of talk in here about the importance of "honesty in a relationship." You weren't being honest with this guy or with yourself when you posted your ad on a swingers website.

 

Speaking of honesty, let's be honest about why most single women post ads on adult/swinger websites in the first place. It's because they get more responses there than they do from vanilla sites...TONS more. But if that's why you did it, and you need that much "bait" to attract men, the problems with whatever relationships may ensue may not be rooted in your "insecurities about swinging," but elswhere.

 

When you chum the waters, you get sharks. Next time, try one hook, one worm, and a little patience. Single guys and would-be swingers everywhere will thank you.

 

Ok I wanna say JNCC OUCH you made her out to be a self-centered BITCH that was basicly on a Fishing trip for a man..... I did not get that from her post at all She met him on a swingers site yes, But If you fall in LOVE with someone and need that reassurance its not wrong to ask that you put your lifestyle on hold to build a Relationship, I also got that he feels strongly for her and Claims to love her and only her, If that is the case then I would assume that he would WANT to put his other relations on hold to secure his life with her not just see her as another "fuck" Sorry to rant to you but i think you took the whole thing wrong If I did I APPOLOGIZE NOW..... I think that if he loves you as he says he does A while of One on One is not too much to ask for.

 

Curious

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I'm still in a bit of disagreement on this one. AFF is for both Singles and Swingers of all orientations, gay, les, bi, you name it.

 

They talked upfront about how it would be cool to swing, before and perhaps while feelings were developing.

 

I've said before I've dealt with too many soldiers. Each one having some name like "Pimp-nificent" or "Pimp-licious". "Playas". Those are the ones who talk about their baby's momma while they date the next mother.

 

I still say that he is not interested in a true relationship where swinging is a distant possibility. Heard the phrase "Have your cake and eat it too"?

 

I would be willing to bet that if she came back with "ok, we'll swing, but MFM only, no exceptions" that he'd be out the door in less time than it would take his First Sergeant to call "Fall In".

 

Discussing Swinging as a possibility, even tentatively agreeing to it is common. We've all seen it, young couples wanting to check the waters, you get the emails, you respond, you might even set up a time to meet. In theory it's all well and good. The reality of it is, none of us really want the drama that can come with this sort of lifestyle.

 

She's changed her mind, that she knows herself well enough to know that she is insecure with the state of their relationship. He's basically told her "I will be allowed to have sex with others or this relationship is done." I'm sorry, but without being willing to commit to 1 on 1 first, there is little to no chance of the relationship working.

 

And to boot, from what she says, neither of them have ever been in an open relationship before?

 

Misleading, I don't think either of them have mislead the other. Kudos for that. But basing a relationship off of a desired lifestyle, without developing the trust and confidence of being each other's heart and soul is plain foolish. Kudo's to her for trying to stop the madness.

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Ok I wanna say JNCC OUCH you made her out to be a self-centered BITCH that was basicly on a Fishing trip for a man
I'm sorry...I certainly didn't mean to. As I said in my previous post, AFF is slightly different from the dedicated swinger sites, and it probably is possible for a persons interests or intentions to be misunderstood. My apologies to midnight madness for any misunderstanding as well.

 

I stand by my statement that an ad on AFF is serious overkill for most women, though.

 

AFF is not "eHarmony" or the church socials newsletter. It's a sex site, pure and simple. I think it's safe to make some basic assumptions about people who post ads there. One of them would be that "people who are into purely hedonistic, recreational sex probably aren't going to limit themselves to having it with just one person." That's obviously what he intended.

 

Too bad about her...

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yes, we talked about swinging being somethink he liked and wanted, but it never came up before now that it was something he wasn't willing to live without....

I really don't believe I did any iny intentional misleading... I was upfront about my fears and issues with swinging in all our conversations on the subject...

 

Neither he nor I has ever been in a swinging relationship before this.... so it's not a lifestyle that he's been into and I've tried to pull him away from... I'm the first woman he's been with that's been willing to try it out...

 

Well, your original post started wayinng you meet him in a "sex and swingers website" and this started as casual sex.

 

I obvioulsy don't know the details, I only speak from what I understood from your posts.

 

From what you say, he want this relationship to be open to swinging as a prerequisite for a commitment. In the other hand, you seem to be already pretty commited yourself with this relationship.

 

One way or another, the relationship reached a point where it doesn't seem to work.

 

Yes. You're able to work with your insecurities and your feelings, but it's something hard to do under pressure. I gess you may end up submitting to his wishes and burying those insecurities in order to save the relationship, but should this happens, this would bring up to the surface later on, perhaps in some years, riking the relationship after putting so much effort on it. This MAY resemble those bad businesses where you have to keep investing money

to save it, and the more you invest, the more you get commited into trying to save it, perhaps leding to disaster.

 

If he is insisting in this requirement, then it seems he had missleaded expectations.

 

This isn't something to blame on you. The speaker who best can express him/herself can deliver at most 70% of what he/she mean to say. The best listener can understand at most 70% of what he/she is hearing, so at most a 49% of a message is able to be comunicated.

 

But you both started a relationship with the left foot here. Unless you both take it easy. Insthead of trying to force it into the same sort of "standard" relationship most people have when start dating casually and looking for Mr./Mrs. Right, you may keep working in this as a friendship where casual sex is allowed, and get to know eachother desires and fears in deepth, until both of you feel confident enough to get into the next level.

 

There is no recipe to engineer a succesfull relationship. People just have to bargain and weight things they want and wouldn't have in a relationsip against those things they get from it, and things may work if the later end up being heavier than the former. You may try to force someone to fit your ideals, if you manage to do it, you may end up facing a nice masturbatory mirror (you'd be with your ideal, i.e., with yourself), and at some ponint along the way the other may feel turned into something he/she don't want to be.

 

This may happen to any of you, to him if he gives up something that it's so important for him, or to you if you end up doing things you're not comfortable with, like engaging in swinging.

 

My guts, from what you said so far, is that you're up to give up more than him, and there is something umbalanced here. This is something you may be doing from the very core of your own insecurities (as if you were not conficent enough about your chances to meet a Mr. Right and be accepted), and in this case, this would only feed those insecurities.

 

So he should be up to give up the swinging wishes as a to balance this relationship, and IMHO, this is the only way you'd feel reasured enough about his love and commitment as to start working with your insecurities.

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Just 'curious', did this problem ever get resolved? And if so, how?

 

My 2 cents: You told him you were not sure from the start right? Ok, then why are some people in this thread blaming you solely for this relationship snag? He could have fled the scene at first sign of hesitation from you, but didn’t. Maybe he thought he could 'break you in' or maybe thought that what had developed might be worth rearranging his priorities over. Did you think you could change him? or rearrange his priorities?

 

Anyways, its just as much his fault as yours; if you really want to place blame. But blame will not help the situation. In 'our' relationship we have done many things, sometimes once or more then once, and usually on a circumstantial basis. For example we may do something, with a couple, in a situation, have a great time and never have any intentions of repeating it. On reflection sometimes we say 'that was great, lets do it again sometime' and other times 'lets not do that again'. But its never a 'lets go find another couple to have sex in the same room with' or ‘lets try to hook up with Bi-chick tonight’ proposition. Could his insistence that he cannot live without this lifestyle be pressing too hard on you? Could you accept it more if it was less of a lifestyle issue? My wife and I do not consider ourselves in a 'lifestyle'; rather, we just 'go with the flow'.

 

Anyhow, like to hear how it worked out.

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