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flassh

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    59
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15 Good

About flassh

  • Rank
    Active Contributor
  • Birthday 08/05/1960

Personal Info

  • Relationship Status
    Couple
  • Location
    San Diego
  • Interests
    Outdoors Sports and Rec.
  • Occupation
    Manager/Nurse
  1. How sad for a person to only see the world and people under the influence of what pop-culture and media dictate as being sexually appealing. For us, we love to make fantasies come true, but those fantasy should be our own and not what we are "told" by others to be the best. If perfect bodies and beautiful faces is the fantasy, go for it. But personally, a great sense of humor or erotic imagination goes a lot further than how firm and perky one's body is. I think it is a chicken/egg story. I mean that the mind and body are together and one can't have one without the other. So keeping in shape and eating well are part and parcel with living a normal life. If one is unwilling to get up off the couch to exercise they have made a choice that will no doubt create a less than healthy outlook and physical appearance. Nevertheless, as my 44 y.o. body will attest, I am not the hardbody of yesteryear and I don't expect it to garner the same looks from the opposite sex that it used too. Nor would I want to knowing how much better lovers can be that are not self-consumed with their looks and perfection. I think the word is narcissism, and it is a disease that damages one's total being.
  2. Ok, I could not find the correct web link. But I am pretty sure it was a web site that was discussing the writings of Ed Allen and Dana Allen, which have written some nice books on the swinging world. To paraphrase very loosely: Soft swinging was discouraged because of the potentional for leaving alot of feelings on the table at the end of the night. Outright full swap and direct interaction with multiple couples seemed to indicate a point at which all the taboos and false feelings become meaningless to the participants. It would be like going au-natural for the first time. ie...a little timid and scarred and not sure how one will feel etc etc....but after about 5-10 minutes the nudity becomes a non-issue. So, in the analogy that one is having sex within the full swap they are leaving their emotions and fears in the past and find out that it is pretty much for fun and social enjoyment and not a big deal with breaking up the love of two committed people who now are sexual outside of their marriage partner. Again, I am not responding to what full swap means to me personally but only relaying what was stated by others...I think the sentiments of the soft swing is more harmful does appear to be truthful for what we have experienced and the reality of soft swing is that it may be good for those who simply want to have fun but not go further. That is fair. But in terms of the feelings and fears and emotions, one might argue that the fun of sex is in the head anyways so the physical may not be what this topic is about ultimately. Hmm..
  3. I will try to find the link for the article on soft swap vs. full swap. Please give me a little time to research it.
  4. Don't tell him. It is not appropriate given that it happened with another man. Swinging is titilation for guys for several reasons. 1) visual 2) instinctual 3) validation of his merit with keeping his woman satisfied and by showing her off and sharing his treasure.......Guys truly live out some fantasy thru their wives pleasure giving abilities
  5. Yes, sex is the height of emotional bonding for most and I agree it is a very hard to not stay connected to those we bond with......but, I do know that guys respect other guys by keeping distance and staying away. I seem to think that the wife is drawn to the other guy because of her safe marriage but theother guy will not understand your wife's motive completely. (the guy is not married) So, there should be some type of communication tween the guys that this whole thing was just fun and its time to keep the distance out of the traditional "respect for the other guy" rule. I don't know any of my buds who could ever dream of getting into my wifes head.
  6. Great Questions. Here is my answer in the form of a question. What if you took this site and renamed it to spiceandmarriage.com and simply added vanilla topics to the ones already talked about by swingers? Would swingers and vanilla couples simply get along in cyberland? How many reluctant partners would be tickled by the openness and frank discussions found here?
  7. Hi, Mrs here. We love the 6" tool because of the versatility of it. My previous BF was 9+ and banged hard on the cervix. It hurts and will not make for memorable experiences once irritated. But hey, the whole thing is this. I love the confidence of a man and how well kept the rest of the body is. Hedo is like the who's who of well hung but the real sex is all about kissing and touching and real charming attitude. As the hubby says, "if the hung guys could ever learn to be real gentlemen" and stop with arrogance and "look at me" style, then, there would be more competition for the girls. Not over size, but over nice guys that no how to turn the girls on. Likewise, if the short hung guys would lose the complex about size, they too would get more action and keeping the girls hornier. So, the mid-size seems to be king of style for the moment. It's purely in the head of the beholder though. I love the well kept guys that seem to go right past the physical and straight to the emotional side of fun and laughter. Hubby can do this quite well and he makes others feel good about themselves regardless of the body. Drop the attitude and pecking order thing with male penis size and I suppose there will be a lot more smiley girls out there.
  8. Will the Dr. Phil show, covering swinging, present a fair viewpoint on the topic and more specifically, the nature of open relationships and if sex can be recreational for a loving couple? Does intimacy get diluted or emotional bonds broken for swinging couples? I suspect that the show caters to those that are incapable of experiencing recreational anything let alone asking the important questions about how we as loving people need to have fun with many areas of life. The problems are there for all of us and the real questions is not so much about the morality etc, but more to do with how we treat each other and follow through with commitments. Our kids should remain at the top of our list...before anything else. But will Dr. Phil's show even begin to address those concepts of being responsible and how to be honest with ones partner about sex and fantasies etc.
  9. epiphany: "a divine manifestation" oh really? So your wife meeting this swinger guy was a divine manifestation. then the other posts were right on in stating that your wife must have had some thoughts about it. Your jealosy it normal but I think you know that she loves you alot so stay on that point. Honestly, your post sounds like one that a wife (like mine a couple years back) would have posted concerning a husband that has the "revelation" which to the wife sounds like a "I want out of the marriage" or "I want your permission to fool around with ???" In my case, I loved my wife sooo much I just kept thinking about how much fun we have together and love the erotic and sensual and are committed. could yours be the same? On the other hand, my 12 year old wants to give up a sport he is good at after many years of committment and now wants to get into karting which, to him, seems like more fun and excitement. Errr. it does have some excitement but may not lead to a scholarship at the university etc....what do I think of his desires versus the parent that wants to set a healthy boundary. Likewise, in my marriage, I know one fact over and over......boundaries are healthy; always have been and always will be. Boundaries stretch us to discover very important things about ourselves and abilities and need to get better at some skill or learning some new emotional approach to life's challenges.....I cannot tell you how important the dedication to this concept is to a successfull marriage for us. All the best, D and C
  10. HappyEyeball: I totally agree that what others "see" is secondary. My comments do read alot like a rationalization but this was not my intent per se. I do enjoy the discourse very much and spouse knows that I read the postings in various threads on a daily basis. My point was that our foundation is so much more than what we grow into or out of as individuals. Previously in this thread I was questioning those with simplistic definitions. I don't want to be guilty of this so I will explain a little better. I think of a structure as the viewable area of a building. It has a foundation that is not so visible. The structure can be torn apart and rebuilt on the old foundation if that foundation were correctly designed and built. Couples that don't build their foundations strong (even when no one may ever see it) they will have problems rebuilding if they ever get hit by a storm that does some damage. My problem with so much of what I am learning here on the board is that I feel topics here on this board are very germane to building a foundation and that many "mainstream" couples would benefit even if they did not show interest in the swing aspect. It is though there is alot of wisdom that is wasted. Sex is for fun to swingers but the balance of input is centered around compassion and wanting to help. Just my thoughts. Thanks, Flassh
  11. mostly well said, pacouple4u. Question back though: does not "structurally" imply the part that can be seen by others? Or, did you mean the hidden "foundation" of your relationship. In your building analogy, I would suggest that your individual values and mores mesh together to form a greater foundation and the end product is a structure, when viewed by others, is solid and immoveable by a storm. Of course, for some here on this site, a storm can be devastating because they do not hold any values or mores in common with their SO. Is this a true statement. Please let me know if this is true for you? I think it is true for me and I do venture into some areas of interest that test my values and mores and as quircky as this sounds, I simply like to explore and read and get feedback without dragging my spouse into such worlds. I get to see and hear some things that may challenge my devotion if only for a moment but I constantly am reminded of how much I care and love my better half. I share the gems that I uncover here and elsewhere as we may need them in our lives. Thus, we are getting feedback even though I don't tell her every last thing I say or read here. I will repeat the words I used previously, if someone is so dark to deceive their partner, one must take this deceit to heart and confront it and kill it or remove it. Sooner than later.
  12. "Further, I believe a place like this to come to for reading and friendship might even prevent problems in some relationships. Kind of the "my place" thing, if you understand what I mean." Elusive BiFem, Your wording above represents one of the more profound messages, which I have read, here on the board. Furthermore, using the example of not telling a partner about a failing is showing that you do care and preserving the human relationship. To intendedly deceive though is a much darker subject and can never be unaddressed. Nevertheless, I think it is fair to ask of those who have over-simplified their definitions of cheating, deceit etc: How do you expect your trusted friend or partner to grow? Making mistakes and getting into situations that teach about our humanity will make us stronger and more interesting. Is cheating a goal to be reached at the "bottom of the barrel" of your relationships? Over-simplifying is like shutting ones eyes to a challenge and with such absolutes there may be no room to grow. There is another caveat here: Do we always need to learn by trial and error? NOPE! That is why couples need to talk openly and honestly about their feelings and not shut down to the possible risks associated with choices and outcomes. I could think of many examples, but I won't here and now. And again, Flassh "I shut my eyes in order to see." Gauguin
  13. We have discussed cheating so many times. I guess the only thing that matters is when the moment of truth comes that the opportunity exists and someone does not really respect the "friendship" factor they hold with their SO. I remember a situation where I gave a lady friend a ride home from a party and she basically stripped down and wanted it right there. She was very good looking and very horny. I never thought of the sex though only my "friendship" bond with my wife who was away. It is the moral high ground and respect that blocks out lower drives such that sex can be for all of us. Laughter etc. are all signs that we are complex and able to function above just a purely horny mode. So cheating is about personal choice and sensitivity for us. Had we been cheated on before? I had in my teens and this formed a deep sense of what is right for me and how it feels. As far a surfing the websites like this? It is alot like going to college and having topical studies. I for one did look at things for awhile for the scintillation factor only to be seduced by the information and nice people. Now my wife loves to read things and talk about it too. So another answer to What is cheating might be a question: "what is the outcome of it?" or "Where is it leading?"
  14. This forum discussion has raised many questions. Regrettably, most go unanswered. Anyways, I agree with the opinions expressed by Vjklander concerning "empathy" for others. Some of the responses make me doubt that empathy exists. Who among us has not doubted ourselves and felt like we will be the one left in the cold? This seems like a condition of being a lovable human. We choose to love and be loved at the risk that love will not "be there" in some way for ourselves. Sex is a great emotional release that affirms our humanness and sense of completeness for my life and with my spouse. And as far as shared sexual experiences with others....this is about building up one's relationship with a spouse in a very special way. Which is not a mainstream definition of love but more of a pinnacle of how two humans can bond when actual love for the person exists. Is this the empathy referred to..I believe so. So for Tarnished: How can you say that you love him if you cannot take the risk to trust him and talk about what his heart is saying concerning "swapping" and how it might affect your lives? And likewise, as JustAskJulie requested in her question #2 previously: "What benefits do you see in swinging?"
  15. Church, Christianity, Religion...Bla Bla Bla If one wants to read about what people believe then go to the source of the rhetoric from Nietzsche himself: "Christianity is called the religion of pity.-- Pity stands in opposition to all the tonic passions that augment the energy of the feeling of aliveness: it is a depressant. A man loses power when he pities. Through pity that drain upon strength which suffering works is multiplied a thousandfold. Suffering is made contagious by pity; under certain circumstances it may lead to a total sacrifice of life and living energy--a loss out of all proportion to the magnitude of the cause (--the case of the death of the Nazarene). This is the first view of it; there is, however, a still more important one. If one measures the effects of pity by the gravity of the reactions it sets up, its character as a menace to life appears in a much clearer light." I hope this quotation, as hypnotic that it is, brings to the surface a perspective about what someone really means when they ask: Do you believe in God? I Do very profoundly, yet I wonder who cares what I believe ultimately. We live in the postmodern era with a dominant spiritual thrust to dismantle scientific authority on the one hand and religious authority of the other. Its present in everything and everywhere especially in higher educational systems. To read more of the passage follow this link: http://users.compaqnet.be/cn127103/Nietzsche_the_antichrist/the_antichrist.htm
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