Once again the female half here. This is an update to our introduction. Over the last few weeks we have been soft swapping with a couple whom we know in our vanilla life. The first couple of times was fun but still kind of rough on my feelings. After the 2nd play date I was texting with the wife, and I ended up having a breakthrough on what my real problem was. For those who have not read my intro, I was essentially raped years ago the first time my husband and I tried a full swap. I have also been raped and molested twice prior to that when I was very young (11 and 15). All the time I was trying to sort out my feelings I was lying to myself about the issues I was having, I was trying to tell myself I was afraid of jealousy, feeling unwanted, feeling like I cheated and whatever else.
While those feelings made sense to the the other 3 involved they never fully made sense to me. It was because they weren't my issue. My real issue was my past. The past that I had worked for many years to overcome and not allow to control my life. Now it is trying to control this. Of course now I can overcome this and work through it now that I know what my real issue is. Anyways...we have continued to play with the couple over the last couple weeks and the last couple times my husband and I had been discussing full swap again. The idea, despite my past, excited me. Part of it just excited me for obvious reasons and part of it because I just wanted to push the envelope and see finally if it was for us. So last night we decided to go for it.
We started out great...soft swapping...hot and heavy feelings. The the other husband and I decided to jump in while my husband continued foreplay with his partner. That kind of bothered me, slight jealousy I suppose. Nothing real major so I let myself go. We ended up taking a quick smoke break (all four of us) and during that time my husband stayed near the other wife and then he started massaging her leg while absolutely nothing sexual was going on. That PISSED me off. I ended up sending my signal that I was upset by leaving the room..then literally wrapping myself in a ball, which my husband either ignored or didn't notice. This went on for a half hour or more and all the while I was pissed off and to be honest...hurt.
I created that break, if that makes any bit of sense, for my man and I to have a quick moment to reconnect and check in with each other. Whether that would be in the room or not I felt we needed that moment. We have been together 14 years, and we have discussed our signals, all of which were ignored. It hurt me to the point of almost tearing up.
Ok so of course the rest wanted to continue on to round 2, which I just said eff it let's go. Hoping maybe I'd get over it I guess...well my play partner had erection issues. So of course we couldn't continue so there I sit watching my husband fuck another woman and all of these feelings whirling through my head! Hell I was even slightly getting turned on, but could do nothing about it. Talk about a very bad experience! Which sucks because all of the prior experiences were overall great especially once I had my breakthrough. Finally I just told my play partner to just join his wife and my husband and I ended up rolling over.
What killed me the most was my husband had to be told by the other husband to come over to me and take care of me. WTF? That really made me feel ignored by my best friend. Like he couldn't see how upset I was. Like he really didn't give a crap. I literally cried at that point. When he came over I flat out told him I didn't want him near me if he didn't want to be with me. He stayed, we finished with each other; well he did, not me... Anyways, yes he knows some of my feelings, but he got called into work so we haven't had a chance to go over it all. We will once he gets off work.
I guess my question is has anyone had a boundary pop up that you never thought of until it happened? That was the leg rubbing while in a vanilla convo was for me...I never ever thought about something like that being a boundary. Hell even now it sounds incredibly stupid to me! Something so benign would piss me off so much, yet his face being buried in her pussy didn't bother me one bit! Or do you guys think it was really that I needed that connection moment to check in and the fact that never happened was really what pissed me off?
Either case we have decided that we need a break and time for us. No more playing for a bit. Any thoughts would be much appreciated. Sorry it's so long lol.