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Leigha

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About Leigha

  • Rank
    Contributor
  • Birthday 10/18/1977

Personal Info

  • Relationship Status
    Couple
  • Location
    Pacific Northwest
  • Anniversary
    xx/xx/xxxx
  1. Curiosity question with no right or wrong answer... just interested in where everyone stands. When you spend the night with another couple, do you ever swap partners overnight? Do you enjoy sleeping in bed next to someone else, or do you prefer to sleep next to your own spouse/partner? Or does it vary? What do you prefer and why?
  2. You guys are the greatest. Thank you for a bunch of good, thoughtful feedback again. There are definitely some things you've said that I can consider so that I can see what changes I might be able to make that are within my comfort level. I tend to stray towards black and white vision and forget all the shades in between. So thank you again for helping me with that. Cheers!
  3. My hubby does most of the ground work filtering through the sites for potential couples for us to meet. He has more time and the more outgoing personality for this type of "work". By the time I get pulled into things, he and either the other guy or the other gal have usually already exchanged a lot through email. This is fine. I don't want to be involved in all the nitty gritty at the start since it usually doesn't turn into anything. The challenge is when we get four-way chats going, and sometimes even extends into in-person meets, too. I'm a quiet introvert. I'm always friendly, and I'm always attentive to what's going on. I actively listen to other people talking. But until I'm comfortable and feel like my sense of humor and general personality will be appreciated, I'm rather reserved. Some of my best friends have told me that they thought I was snobby when they first met me and it took time to understand the real me. It's not my intention to come across this way, but it's been pretty consistent throughout my life. Anyway, getting back to the swinging side. So we get into these four-way chats, and I generally don't say a lot. I chime in when I have something to contribute, but I just don't talk for the sake of talking. As a result, more than once, we've had couples decline further progress with us saying, "We just don't think Leigha's into this/us." It doesn't matter if I tell them that's not the case. This has happened both with couples we were trying to meet in person but hadn't yet and with couples we have met once or twice in person already. Extending this a bit, when we do make a connection and start texting one-on-one, I'm still not a big texter. Hell, I don't text with my own closest friends all that often. Days go by without me sending a single text sometimes. But the other guys often get perturbed that I'm not super responsive to texting. I ALWAYS preface number exchanges with the explanation that I'm not big on texting and they shouldn't expect constant contact with me that way. I still disappoint them. I'm not sure what else to do. They're frustrated. They complain to their wives, who then say something to hubby, who then gets frustrated. I'm frustrated. Aarrrgggghhh. Anyone else in this boat? How do you handle it? What might I do differently? Should I have to do anything differently?
  4. Thanks everyone, again. You're all great. It's over now. Seeds were planted in a text conversation between hubby and Amy last night, and then the four of us had a Skype call today so I could say my piece, and we ended it "in person". It sucked.
  5. An update: Hubby and I have been talking A LOT about this whole situation, which is great. I haven't pulled the plug yet (I know, I know). I think he might be about to though. He was saying last night that the glamour and newness of the relationship is already wearing off for him, and now he's not nearly as enamored with Amy as he was at first. (I think one of my main concerns this whole time has been with keeping him from feeling like I was nixing the whole thing out of jealousy over him having a lady who likes him so much, so I've been stepping very carefully to make sure I'm not "denying" him that.) Ultimately, it's all boiling down to this foursome creating a lot of shitstorms between the individual couples and the four of us as a group, and it's exhausting. The latest was earlier this week when both Adam and I happened to be out of town for work at the same time (not the same place), leaving hubby and Amy in town. I left hubby with the approval that if it worked out for him to see her and he wanted to, it was fine with me whatever he wanted to do. The latest from Adam before the work trips was that Amy and hubby could see each other whenever they want. But then he told her as he left, "No visits." She had to work and has two kids to look after, so she said that of course there wouldn't be time for that anyway. Long story short, she ended up grabbing some food and dropping it off at our house for hubby after work. She was here for 15 minutes, and they did nothing but chat. When she left, she had two angry face texts from Adam. He wouldn't respond to her texts asking what that was about and wouldn't answer her calls all night either. She figured out that he must have been tracking her phone location without her knowing and saw that she was at our house. He wouldn't talk to her until he was back in town, then she took a day off work so that they could reconnect. This just screams bad news to me. There are obviously issues (trust? the fairness thing? something...) that they need to work out, and I don't want me and hubby to be in the middle of it. The drama some of us are able to create and feed never ceases to amaze me. I recognize my part in this by not cutting it off, too. That's not lost on me. On the flip side, the shitstorms prompt really good conversations between me and hubby, which make us both feel closer to each other. If nothing else, at least we're getting more practice with those skills. Bright side, right? Ugh. It's only a matter of time now.
  6. Oh, I'll definitely be checking back. I'll keep you all posted as things develop, too. I reread Sun's response and just want to say again how helpful it is. Thank you! I'm happy I'm not the only book writer, too. I have to say, if there's one thing that swinging has taught me, it's how to communicate better and sooner with my hubby about things--especially uncomfortable things. It's been great for our relationship overall and helped us become closer than we've ever been. The coming conversations will be more difficult since his feelings are very wrapped up in Amy, but better to discuss it more now than later when it'll just be worse.
  7. Thank you for the feedback. Hubby and I have had many talks about this already, and I've shed plenty of tears, too. He has it in his head that I don't like that another woman likes him so much, and I hate the promise of guilt that will come if I end this whole thing. I've offered the suggestion of the two of them doing their own one-on-one thing, but he doesn't want that. More discussions to be had I guess! You're right that Adam and Amy are new to swinging. I've had a convo with Adam about how unrealistic the tit-for-tat attitude is. He's backtracked on it a bit now, but I don't know if he's sincerely changed his mind or if this is the precursor to a big blow up from him. Thanks again for the thoughts and alternate perspective!
  8. Hello there! This might be long, but hopefully the details will help. Hubby and I started swinging 2.5 years ago. We started out with a couple of semi-anonymous club play nights and then quickly moved in to meeting couples through lifestyle sites. We're both pretty picky, so we went on a lot of first meets that didn't turn into anything else, but we had some sporadic success with 3 or 4 couples over the first year. For the second year, we pretty much dedicated ourselves to a couple we made friends with first and hung out with only in a vanilla fashion for the first year. We only got together for sex about once a month... and then that started to dwindle. They told us later that they were dating again, so we did the same. A couple of mistakes later, about six weeks ago, we met a really nice couple. Let's call them Amy and Adam. We're all in our early 40s. Amy and my hubby are extroverts. They text A LOT. When we get together, they're the talkers. Adam and I are the introverts. I hate small talk. I'm not a big texter. I need a bit of alcohol just to loosen up enough to have fun. He's not really my type physically, but he's not a bad looking guy. So on our first date, we end up back at our house having sex, which is fine. In line with how everything else had been going lately, I figured this would just be a one and done situation and then we'd move along. Evidently I'm the only one who felt that way. Within days of the first meet, hubby suggests that we become exclusive. I agreed, thinking we were still in the "hey let's get to know each other" stage, but in the meantime, we're not going to try to meet other new people. 100% cool. Meeting new people is painful for me, and Amy and Adam are really nice people, so that worked. Next thing I know, before we've even had sex a second time, all three of them are throwing around boyfriend/girlfriend terms for each other and I start freaking out. Adam's spilling to me about how he doesn't have many good friends and he hopes that I might grow to be a best friend for him. I don't want that. I've never said I wanted that. I know people have different reasons for swinging. I married young-ish, got divorced, met my now hubby, and that brought my grand total of sexual partners up to 2. Swinging provides me the opportunity to experience other men, which I really enjoy. I'm not looking for close, intimate relationships. I just want the sex, and I'm happy with just that. I get my intimate relationship needs fulfilled by my hubby. My hubby on the other hand needs more of a connection with the other lady to make the sex part of things work for him. I completely understand and respect the differences we have. (Believe me, we've talked this to death.) So when he and Amy hit it off and she expressed how much she really likes him, I was happy. But I don't want the same thing they have between me and Adam. Adam is really big on fairness. Total tit-for-tat kind of guy. He gets jealous if Amy gets "more" than he does. He complains that he thinks I don't like him. I've talked with him a lot about what I expect, what I want, and what I don't want. It doesn't make a difference. I like the guy but I don't LIKE the guy. I don't know if I ever will. Maybe that'll grow and maybe it won't. I didn't shoot off on the rocket that the rest of them did from the beginning, so now I'm on the ground sucking dust. I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation. I don't want to "take one for the team", and hubby and I have always said that we'd never put each other in the position of having to do so. I enjoy sex with Adam but don't want a whole "relationship" to go along with it like everyone else wants. But this is the first time that hubby has had a really good connection with a lady who really, really likes him. I know it makes him feel good, and I want him to feel good. So maybe I kind of am taking one for the team. I have hope that something more might grow out of this for me, but who knows if that will happen or not. We have four-way chats going along with the one-on-one chats, we've Skyped to talk through things. Whenever there's any kind of issue though, Amy completely folds up. She wouldn't sit at the dinner table and eat with the rest of us last weekend because she was upset at Adam about something. She actively avoids eye contact when we're talking through normal issues. When I made a joke that inadvertently hurt her feelings, she put her head down on the table and sobbed. I asked what was wrong. She ignored me. Whenever there's something we have to address, she expresses her fear that we're going to dump them. It makes it really hard to talk through things. I don't know how to deal with that and it scares me to think of the nuclear breakdown she'll have if/when we (I) do break things off. To summarize: - Everyone else is now trying to slow down to my speed so that I'm not uncomfortable. Boyfriend/girlfriend names are no longer being used. - I feel like poop for making everyone slow down. I never wanted to be the person who set the rules for everyone else. I'm usually the one doing what it takes to make others comfortable (in general), so it's awkward to be in the position where others are catering to me. - Hubby and Amy are way more attached to each other than Adam and I, and that really bothers Adam but doesn't bother me at all. - Amy sucks at conflict resolution. I ended up rambling all over the place with this. I just wonder if anyone else has been through situations like any part of this and can offer any advice. I don't know whether I should keep trying--they really are nice people!--or give up now and steal from hubby the best match he's ever had.
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