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Earthsand347

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About Earthsand347

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  • Birthday 01/01/1970

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    West coast
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  1. I hope I'm not being too egotistical, but I wanted to update my situation and (selfishly) feel support or go in the corner because I received some I-told-you-sos. I'm the one who's guy was having difficulties essentially taking care of me throughout our swinging experience. Last night (I'm crying) I discovered a secret email account. The upshot is that he was planning to meet up at a hotel with a woman he met online. We never discussed the "okayness" of something like this. He admitted he wanted a fun sexual experience. This was a woman 20 years his junior who is not married and had a baby a year ago. He said he felt he could keep it under control. They didn't supposedly end up meeting in March because her flight was cancelled. However, not only that he and she continued to text even up to 2 days ago in which she essentially said she wanted to give him oral sex. I am so very sad. I feel that swingers have a code of ethics even about trust and full communication. He was the one that said several months ago that if he couldn't swing he would be sexually frustrated and need an outlet. Well, I guess that's what happened. I am stupid stupid stupid Thanks for all your support throughout.
  2. Hey there. Appreciate your commenting, Billlief. I actually wish that you could walk in my shoes (or my stilettos as the case may be) any given day when I've really really struggled with this issue. I wish that you could see how my face looks as I am frustrated, angry, crying about what to do. I wish you had a timer so that you could make note of the hours and hours literally that I have spent arguing, discussing, laying out points on what I am ultimately seeing could be pointless unless we both make major changes. I wish you could have gone with me to all these swinger events and seen me trying so hard to talk myself into being totally OK with whatever happened weekend after weekend. I wish you could be by my side to watch how difficult this roller-coaster of a journey has been. Just when I think we might be doing well, some other issue pops up. I wish you could understand how I have truly struggled in a relationship that I thought was "The One." I have no one else to talk to about this. Who am I going to tell about swinging? My mother, my sister, my friends at church? This is the only place that I have been able to let loose about all details and sit in the hot seat and be able to accept all comments, all judgments. I'm willing to take this - good, bad, anything. Believe me, there have been more than a few occasions in which I find myself sitting at the laptop wondering if I should post something because people might be bored or think I'm beating my head against a brick wall and not listening or like you think I'm doing this for my own glorification. Then, I usually post with some reluctance anyway because I need help! I thought that's why people came to the forums - to ask for opinions, to bounce things, to feel validated (or not). That's all. I'm just a girl in a not-so-great situation who is finding it difficult to just ax my relationship. I'm a real person with a real dilemma who is trying to think through all angles before I make a decision I may or may not regret. I have come back to this thread multiple times not to hear myself talk, but rather to go through everyone's opinions because I value them all. Even yours.
  3. I will begin again by saying thank you thank you thank you!!! to everybody who's commented, given me advice (even advice I don't always want to hear, but maybe need to) and support. An update. We have had a few more of these famous arguments about his sexual hunger. So, tonight I told him I just don't feel comfortable swinging with him - trust issues, etc. Him : I need a sexual outlet then if you're controlling me by telling me I can't swing. Me: What outlets? Him: Lap dances at strip clubs. Massage parlors with "body rubs." Maybe more. All by myself. Me: I'm not comfortable with that. Him: if you restrain me, I can't tell you I won't resent you for that. My head is spinning again. Leave this situation, right? (Should have left already?) Red flags? Or ....? Thank you for being patient with me as I struggle
  4. Thank you thank you thank you for your responses!! I can't thank you enough - truly. I have tried to be accurate and complete about what's happened. It would be easy to be a hater and be negative but I hungered for true advice based on true happenings. And I am thankful. Just tonight he got upset at me because I had to get up early this morning to do something I wanted to do for myself. He said if I got up so early to do that it meant I was choosing that over potentially doing something with him because I would be too sleepy otherwise. I asked him what that "something with him" was and he said, "Going to the swingers' club." Just updating just because I wanted to and because I feel this board cares. I just can't go anywhere else with all these things. It's ok - not asking for comments, just ... this is my life. I have read and re-read your comments and will continue to re-read. And not just reading, but really listening and considering what my next steps will be. Humbly, I thank you.
  5. Thank you so much for your replies! I feel better in a weird way. For the following, please be gentle. I'm sometimes so numb with a lot if this that I find it difficult to know what's right/wrong, acceptable/not, normal/not. Question:I just wondered about the fact that he was so close to hooking up with a paid sex worker after being so sexually frustrated about getting "no action" means .....? And for the future, trust ....? Please don't be too hard on me. I actually am learning from this forum. Really!
  6. Let me begin this by saying it's not that easy to give up on a relationship that I've built over several years because of what has happened in the past 6 months. Plus I am interested in swinging and it's not easy to find someone in a mostly-vanilla world who wants to swing. So, maybe I'm an idiot but I haven't given up hope that this might work out. That being said, we went on vacation a few weeks ago. Went to a club. Song wasn't great for me for dancing, so I sat out the first 3 songs. Then, it got better. I danced on the pole. I danced with other girls. I danced topless. But, we got "no action." He and I had sex with each other. He was still frustrated. 1. He blamed me because he said we gave a bad 1st impression when I didn't dance from the beginning, I was "cowering," he said. 2. He was so frustrated for about a week after that on looking at his phone for a restaurant I found (in front of him) a page advertising "body rubs/sensual massages" in the city we lived in. He admitted that he was on the verge of visiting one of these places, but didn't when he thought about "how much he loved" me. So, now I am getting worried that his getting "no action" might in the future lead to him not being able to stop himself from visiting a paid sex worker. I feel sorta trapped. Am I being paranoid??? I don't want to think that. I'm trying to think the best.
  7. I'll start by asking you please not to flame me. Please do not think I am ignorant or stupid. I am a real-life person dealing with a real-life situation that I am shaky about. This is a person that I thought was "the One." So, with that ... he said to me last week, "I'm a sexual person. Why would I want to have an affair with anyone else? We have a good sex life and you're letting me have sex with other women." I didn't know how to feel after that. I actually am sort of interested in swinging for my own sexual reasons although going slooooowly. But, because of what he said I feel sort of trapped into really pursuing it ... just to keep him from having an affair. Is that why people swing? Am I being selfish? Should I shake off the "trapped" feeling and accept it as normal and yes, he really cares for me? (If there are those who think I should stop posting, please don't hesitate to let me know. But, would you be so gentle as to private email me that - I get embarrassed). Thank you!
  8. I do feel some similarities to swingingnot4me. I am sorry you are going through that. I do feel that there might a sliver of a possibility that I might enjoy myself in the Lifestyle. But, the difficulty is that I'm with someone who is way ahead of me and because of that sometimes actually gets ahead of me. Then, somehow he makes me feel guilty for having a "poor opinion of him," telling me not to "keep bringing" up all his past behavior and telling me I am being so negative about that. I say I am just a little scared each time we (stupidly?) venture into some swinging experience. I think (?) I'm justified in being scared? I'm interested, but I can't go as fast as he wants. Thank you for listening! This board has been my only support. Thank you thank you
  9. Hello. I hope I won't seem like a stubborn, not learning quickly person. But, I have thought about this and thought about this. What if I just let a guy swing on his own without me if we get along in all other areas except swinging. He could do things separately and I would wait for him at home or wherever. Maybe we could go to a house party or club together, but then split up once we're in the door. We had gone to a house party a couple of days ago. Actually, I had a lot of fun flirting. There truly wasn't much in the way of booking up honestly. But. he had a miserable time because he got no "action." I thought maybe if I weren't around he could act fully like his assertive self without having to worry about me "holding him back." So, separate might be an answer? But, am I being naive or stupid? It's funny - as a BTW - I might actually like swinging if I didn't feel burned by the past. I'm just not going as fast as he wants to go although I may be kinda warming up to the Lifestyle idea.
  10. I hope that the community is OK with me posting this last update. This board has been so supportive. I've read this thread over and over and am grateful for every single comment (really!). I hope I won't get flamed for being an idiot for still struggling with this issue. So even though he knows I have difficulty being all into swinging and we have had some trust issues I told him last night I will swing for him because swinging makes him happy. I told him that he could even have sex with others even if I didn't participate. I truly want him to be happy. He said no problem he would be fine with that because I'm in the driver's seat and if that's what I want to do he'll do it. No, I'm not testing him. Yes, I'm still with him because I can't bring myself to leave just because of the swinging (or not). I'm just wondering if that's what a swinger would do. I'm not trying to be ignorant or dumb - I just don't have a lot of swinger experience. He does and this community does and has been so helpful. That's why I come here. I'm confused about if what he's doing is "normal" swinging behavior. Any of your opinions are very much appreciated because I'm all turned around
  11. I've been lying low and not doing anything much. I just wanted to see if anyone thinks what has happened recently would be considered OK. I have made it pretty clear to my BF that I'm just not interested in pursuing much swinger-related now (burned from events described earlier in this thread). We belong to a swinger dating site because our membership is still current. I had asked him not to even get on the site unless I wanted to (I'm in the driver's seat, right? according to him). He actually said he didn't have a problem with that. However, he got on and I was not too happy. He asked me at least if he could check out the profile of someone who had sent an email. I said no. I don't even want to get started on a path. He did anyway. Blow up, then apologies, apologies. Things are then ok for a few days. Then, he told me that he again checked out some more profiles (a few days after the blowup) of people who had emailed us. Agghhhh! My issue is trust. Am I being too harsh, though? Is this a predictor of the future? I mean what if we get into an actual swinging situation someday? Can I believe him? I thank this community for the support - it's been a lifeline.
  12. Confused12524, thanks for your perspective and I think you are right about his state of mind. After all these things happened we were talking about what vacations might be fun. So, I just mentioned a cruise or the beach. These are things that would be great for anyone I would think. But, he said he wouldn't want to do either unless they were a swinger cruise or a swinger resort. Darn it - I felt sorta defeated... I wonder if it was right of me to feel that way.
  13. I congratulate you, SwingSetWife, for being so strong and standing by your thoughts! I wish I could be so strong. I wanted to sure a follow-up. We went to a birthday party last week. Yes, it was a swinger house party, too, but we know these people so we were sort of obligated to go. But, i was going to communicate better and I brought up dos and don'ts and he said I was in the driver's seat and that we would go as fast as the slowest person (me). In fact, I was actually very hesitant to go and he understood that, too. I told him my goal was to socialize, deliver a present , and that was really it. So, he ended up making out with a gal whose husband I had clearly explained to my BF weeks ago I wasn't interested in. (We had met them at a meet-and-greet) I saw them and left the scene. BF followed me and did to his credit stop what he was doing. But, i told him what bothered me was that he didn't stop on his own. I had to initiate that. He admitted that he failed following the rules of doing things together. No drinks BTW - learned that lesson! Maybe I haven't learned my lesson completely. Maybe it wasn't fair to go to this party hoping we would be on the same page. Maybe I wanted to give him a chance. Maybe I'm being stupid ... '
  14. Sunbuckus - I do get it that what happened is not in the typical swinging definition. I feel at least there is something that really did go off the path. Thank you. Carebear - I also see that what matters is how each of our meaning of "swinging" is important and if we both are on the same page about it. I can't say I'm 100% not going to try again, but if I do decide to dip my toe back in what rules I should have. My gut feeling at this point is - None for you. Some for me. Keeping him on a tight rein (whoever him might end up being!). Set rules before and stick tight to them. Such (!) a trust issue Wonder if there's more I should think about ...
  15. I went through the entire thread again reading (and being grateful for) each and every thoughtful comment. I wanted to add one more piece of the story that I had forgotten to tell - that is when Mr. Earthsand was swinging heavily with his ex-wife, they got to a point where he was "swinging" by himself OK'd by and acceptable to his ex who actually was not doing anything herself. Basically, he had sex with anyone else and she didn't. He did this for at least a year and then, coincidentally (or not) they divorced not long after. He says it was due to other reasons and swinging had nothing to do with the divorce. Fine, one of the happiest times in his life, he says and I can see how that might be for him. I'm just scared this is same song second verse. And wonder if I am just a vehicle being used to get him closer to his eventual goal of sex with others without me. I am seeing that communication is important and alcohol is not (!). I am seeing that our goals may be different. I'm trying to make a decision that will turn out acceptable for both of us. I'm ignorant about swinging. I'm ignorant about relationships with a swinger. So, I don't know if the above would concern others. Thank you thank you for reading. I really can't go anywhere else with my worries.
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