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swingingnot4me

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About swingingnot4me

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  • Birthday 04/28/1971

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    Married
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    Florida
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    xx/xx/xxxx

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  1. As others have said, every couple is different. Its not for anyone to judge what is right or wrong for both of you as a couple. However, I think its safe to say she may be making choices and descisions without all the information. It sounds like she is being totally honest with you, but your only telling her what you think she should hear. It may be under the guise of protecting her feelings, but without full disclosure how can she make a choice and feel good about it? I think before you preceed with anybody, you need to be honest with her. Tell her about the meeting, and talking to this girl. See her reaction. Then open up a dialog with her about it, or the possibility about hooking up with this woman or any other. Make sure she is 100% on board with this, knowing everything. But it does seem like shes giving in, which could spell disaster.
  2. This is very simular to what I am going through as well, but my wife acts this way! I was told constantly "Your in the drivers seat", made to feel like I had hang-ups with swinging, and it was all my problem. I almost did the exact same thing you did, tell her its ok for her to go alone and do it without me... But I finally put the breaks on and said its not ok. Im done, she had mentioned through the whole thing that it was my choice, Im in the driver seat. Now we will see if it was all BS. But I suspect it is LOL. Right now Im working on myself, feeling better about myself. Forgiving myself for allowing it to go as far as it did. You cannot control anyones feelings or action, only your own. You have to realise your own self worth. How can you expect anyone to respect you, if you dont respect yourself? Im learning this the hard way =(
  3. We may do some marriage counseling. She seems to be listening to me now, and acctually understanding what Im trying to convey. I am in turn listening to her, and understanding where she is coming from. She hasnt cheated on me in many years, it was all in the early years (We both got married very young). I am confident it has not happen in a real long time and I think she has told me about eveything. She honestly knows herself, and knows swinging is like playing with fire for her. It would have to be all or nothing, and shes ok with either. I didnt mean to make it sound like she has been cheating on me up until we decided to try swinging. It has been a long time since that went on, we where totally different people then.
  4. Thank you for all the advice everyone. We had a long talk last night about everything. Because of the past, Im having trust issues now. We have both decided, it would be best to either be all or nothing on this. Right now, its nothing. Unless I can be on-board with no rules, its just not going to work. We are doing great, and I know she will miss it, but she has decided its best to move passed this and not look back. There are obviously lots of different feelings on what makes swinging work. I dont believe we are animals, and cannot control ourselves. I also dont think you can have a marriage without compromise, and trust. I suppose if anything goes, there is no need for trust or compromise but that sounds like a very hollow relationship. We both took this journey together, and are getting out of it together. We did learn somethings about ourselves in the proccess =) Some good, some not so good obviously. But its not going to end our marriage. It would take a hell of a lot more then that.
  5. Somehow I dont think you read the entire thread. I had problems ONCE, and it was nerves. It took care of itself and went away. No oral wasnt a rule at all... It was something I wasnt comfortable with at that time, when we where getting our feet wet, and was just the beginning of her not respecting bounderies or rules at all, she just pretty much did what she wants. Also on a side note, I was uncomfortable with it, because of what happen in my post above... asking permission for anything in her eyes, was a green light for everything. I did make an effort for 2 years, and it was never the sex that was the problem. I honestly think its a lack of trust and communications. So "Amazing sex" is not going to fix the issue. Im acctually kind of surprised by your post, you sound like my wife.
  6. Thank you both for the responces. Its funny though, because it seems to be becoming more and more clear to me what has been going on in front of me. It hit a nerve when you said "pushed her to do it". Thats exactley how that went down, and how I felt. At the time, I was not very attentive in our marriage. I was working a lot, and not home much. When I was, I was kind of an asshole. I take ownership of that fact, and fixed the problem. Now Im less of an asshole LOL. Acctually I have made sure since that day I have never neglected her. But truthfully I know, there are other ways to handle problems in a marriage then run off and screw someone LOL. Im not an idiot. There are a lot of good things about my wife. Dont get me wrong, of course I am only focusing on the bad stuff right now. Its easy to complain about the bad, and not talk about the good. Im holding on to the good, and im trying to concentrate on that... But as of right now, the bad is way out weighing the good. She just texted me also, asking when I think we may be done with this "Break" we are taking.
  7. Update is about the same. We are trying to communicate better. Problem is, she wants to hear how I feel, but starts attacking me when I start revealing it. I do try and not accuse, or sound like Im blaming her when I talk to her about my feelings. But some issues we have are a direct result of the way she acts, and reacts to things. I brought up the trust issues I had because of previous encounters where she bent the rules. Just some examples: Rule 1 always use condoms: Broken (Excuse, "I didnt realise he didnt put one on") *There where other smaller rules, that really where kind of stupid, but this was a big one. Others where not nessasarly rules. One time she asked me if she could give this guy a blowjob, and SHE specified only a blowjob. She ends up having intercourse with him. The only reason I knew this was because the guy was talking to me about it. At first she denied it, but realised she was caught. Then turned it around on me, and made me feel like crap because I should have known a BJ would turn into that.mBy consenting to anything, I should expect anything to happen. The list goes on, and on. I realise to many of you, your mate shouldnt have to ask for permission for things, or worry about any of this nonsence. Sneaking away with people, telling me shes going one place, and when I go to join her there... shes not there. She went off with someone somewhere else. Texting with people she had slept with, like all day. I dont know how a lot of you feel about texting, and normally it didnt bother me. But with this one particular guy it was literally all day. The whole time Im at work, and shes at home texting him for 8 hours. All about what she wants to do to him, and if he would ever meet her somewhere, getting his work address, ect. But this is why Im having trust issues with her and the LS. She constantly ask for an inch, but takes a mile. She keeps telling me she will go at my pace, I get comfortable at C, and shes pulling me to Z as fast as she can. I had asked her, What do you want from the LS? She simply said Conquest. To go after men, and get them to sleep with her, see if she can get anyone she wants. My answer? To fulfill some fantasies, have some fun, and make my wife happy. Im not sure how to read her answer. Maybe im reading too much into it, but the way she said it was very selfish sounding too me. Im also realising, most of our swingers experiences had little to do with us as a couple, and more of a we split up and do our own thing. There is something else too... Its coming to light as we have these talks, that she had cheated on me. a lot. Since when we where dating before getting married, and during the early years of our marriage. Which doesnt help the trust issues of course. I already knew about 2 of them because I had caught her then... but whats shes describing to me now, is ones I had no idea about. One night stands, ect. Im trying to process it all, and figure out what I want to do. Im rambling and going all over the place, for that I apologise LOL. Im not very good at organizing my thoughts. Anyways, we are currently taking a break from swinging, and trying to work on our communications.
  8. I went through the same thing, going through it still. My wife is 100% all for threesomes with other women. She even one up, even when I initally told her I wanted to take it slow. But my wife is a very sexual person, a lot of simularitys you described in your initial post between my wife and I. We would lay in bed and fantasies about me and her with another woman, and she would get all hot and bothered, and we would have amazing sex. I quickly realized that I really only want to be with my wife. My wife and I had played with others a couple times, but she enjoyed it way more then I did.... On top of that the little bit of jelousy I felt before (when we where younger, and I thought was gone) was growing out of control. Needless to say, I wanted to slow down, and she wanted to go full throttle! But I hear EXACTLY what you just descibed... almost verbatum about leading her on. Maybe I did, inadvertantly. Ive gotten a lot of great advice from people on this board, one of the best was basically dont go faster then the slowest person. It will save a ton of arguments, and your wife needs to understand that. Its a journey for both of you. Also I might suggest, you think and imagine your wife with another man. Doing things she does to you... or even things she hasnt done for you, before you decide to take that next step. If you even get the least bit jelouse, I suggest you rethink the idea.
  9. Tahoecple, as I read your responce it dawned on me. You may be totally correct. I really didnt put that together, but it makes sence. Which you are correct, its the wrong reasons to get into the LS. And to Intuition, I have been thinking about doing just that. This has effected our whole life, or at least I feel it has. No, I dont blame swinging at all. I blame myself, for not recognizing what was going on in the first place. We talk a lot, and I get where she is coming from. But it comes down too, Its not for me and I really cannot find it in myself to be involved in it... no offense to you all. We have LS friends that are very happy Couples. It appears both the husband and wife are very happy with it. Then there are others, I end up finding out the wife really isnt into it (in most cases) and they do it just for the other person... these people dont seem to last long together. I dont want to end up like one of those couples it tears them apart.
  10. Not having a problem persay. I have no issue getting it up, that took care of its self. No, I just dont really enjoy it. I have a much better time with my wife, always have. My wife is very passionate, and ive never had an issue with the physical aspect of swinging and her. But she always likes to take it a few steps further. Between talking and texting on the phone to these people it seems to consume all her time. Ive seen some of the text, and I think they would make even most hardcore swingers pause and evaluate what there other half's real intentions are. I guess if your in a total "Open, honest and non judgemental" relationship it shouldnt bother me, but it does. Where is the line of being so open, honest and non-judgemental and simply just not careing anymore? We are honest with each other, and I react when I hear something I dont like. We compromise for each other all the time, but she certainly the first one to tell me she doesnt like something. Not even sure why I started the post to be honest... More venting than anything. Just hopeing there where others who could relate.
  11. Well crap. No instant fix? LOL I appreciate the advice though =)
  12. Thanks for the responce, and the links. I will take the time to read them. Latley she has been suggesting I just do it, without her. Which I have no desire too, If I wanted to cheat, I would LOL! But I know its in hopes that I will get into it, and she can have her turn. We have already went through this, where she put me in a situation, ran off, then used it against me later to get what she wants.
  13. I feel I have open the box, and its never going to close. My wife and I started swining I guess, 2 years ago. Its something I kind of brought up and we both had fantasy's about. We have been married 15 years. We had an active sex life for the most part and never really lacked in this department. The reason it came up, was she was going out a lot with her girl friends, and having a great time. Guys would hit on her, and it made her feel great! Which in turn really turned me on. We would have wild and crazy sex after this. So I thought maybe this was something we could try. as soon as I brought this us, she instantly went on websites searching for our first couple to play with! She finds one rather quickly and we give it a go. Same room, and I couldnt get it up. Every time I heard her with the guy, grunting and moaning, it made it worse. When it was over, we talked about our experiance. I told her I dont think its something for me, and wasnt exciting. She comes back with, maybe we need to try it again... seperate rooms this time. Needless to say, we tried several other times with the same results. I am not having fun with it. Theres been times I have caught her now "Bending" the rules we have set. Nothing too much, but definatly stuff that may be a matter of perspective. Stuff like "I didnt really give him a blow job, it was only for a few seconds". Ive tryed to tell her a few times Im done with it, I really dont want to do it. Ive even told her I have only done it for her. We just keep going round and round in this big circle. Where just to end the argument, I give in. Now Im finding myself paranoid, of who shes texting... who she spends time with, and what she does during the day when Im at work. We went from being very solid, to totally unstable because of these experiances.... but she doesnt seem to see that. She keeps telling me "Well you seemed to enjoy it when..." and maybe a part of me did. But as a whole, its not for me.
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