DItalianGirl7

Hey everyone. I continue to check this thread almost every day to read any new replies, and to read over all the ones I've already ready again because honestly each reply that one of you has written has been so therapeutic to read and has really made a difference for me. Your words help me to process everything that's happened, so thank you so much for taking the time to write in and support me, even though we've never met! As for the latest update... I am not really talking to my man (well... 'ex-boyfriend' now, sadly) anymore or responding to his calls or messages... He seems to be only continuing to confirm all of your predictions and my fears about him. When he calls or writes, he just keeps saying how much he loves me and wants to be with me, but really doesn't ever apologize for the things he's done or the way he's treated me, or expressed any desire to change or be a more committed man to me. Among the many hurtful things he's said to me he also said in one of his rants, "I can find a girl just as beautiful as you, just as smart or successful as you, the only thing that was unique about you was that you were willing to go to these places with me and I thought you'd be more open to the swinger lifestyle. But all you did was keep getting worse at it the more you got attached to me which is so boring! Otherwise what's the point for me to marry you or anyone else if we can't be in the swinging lifestyle!" Ouch! He is now saying that he wishes he could watch another guy have sex with me in front of him and he wishes I would like to watch him having sex with other girls in front of me. He wants us to be partners for life but also have the 'rock-solid love' and freedom with eachother to be able to have sex or fun sometimes with other people and not be jealous or affected by it, because "sex is just sex" and he can have sex without compromising his love for me at all, and without having any emotional attachment to the person and it should be cool as long as at the end of the day we always go home to eachother. He says he doesn't want "invisible handcuffs" in his relationship, bla bla bla. I don't even know who he is anymore! Anyways.... This is all just disgusting for me to hear this and watch his true colors evidentally come out, and with no apology. Apparently this was his master plan for me all along but he never told me, he lied about his real intentions with the lifestyle and he lied about the extent of how much he wanted/needed to participate in this. If he was like this from the beginning or if he was honest with me from the beginning about this I would not have continued the relationship! But it's now apparent that he is determined to be fully immersed in the swinger lifestyle and wants his partner to be full participant with him and sadly it appears that this goal of his is much more important to him than me and our relationship. The value he places on swinging is greater than the value he places on me. Wow it's so painful writing these words out loud and actually accepting this. Apparently he's not looking for a relationship with any kind of depth or meaning, just on a mission to find any girl willing to accept this! And I don't know many that would. That is totally not the man who he pretended to be and the man who I originally fell in love with. I'm looking for a deep, fulfilling, meaningful and special relationship and maybe that will include some swinging down the line, maybe it won't but I am not going to settle for a guy who is this shallow and selfish. I do think there are probably some couples in the lifestyle including some of you that participate in swinging sometimes and you have used it to enhance your relationship, and you have gone about it the right way and have been respectful and loving with your partners. That is somethng that I would have been open to down the line once we had built our relationship a bit more solidly, but I feel like he unfortuately just robbed me of that experience with him because of all his deceit and abuse. I will be moving on now, this is the most painful breakup I've ever had and I'm really sad over it... I appreciate your support and kind words though. : )

Hey everyone, First of all I just wanted to thank you all so much for your kind words of advice, you are all so thoughtful and wonderful and I appreciate it! And I'm glad you've validated my feelings.. and I know I'm not the crazy one here. It does feel very cathartic to let all this out and have people listen and weigh in on it because I've been holding it in for so long (and obviously I have been shut down whenever I try to talk to my boyfriend about it, the one person I SHOULD be able to talk to about my feelings on all this with). I have taken a break from him and since then I've done a little more investigating, and I found out that he has created a new online dating profile on Plenty of Fish way back in October! And he has been active online since then (and we were incredibly happy then, no issues, he was telling me about every other day how he couldn't wait to propose and marry me,etc... So sick! ). I know he has gone out on some dates I have evidence of, and god know what else he's done that I just haven't caught him in. One of the girls he pursued talked to me and said he told her he was in an 'open relationship' with me which made it ok to pursue her - not true obviously as we were very committed. I found out there were several girls he had been 'talking to' in the past few months over there in Boston, he insists they are truly 'just friends' but of course I dont believe him because if they were friends, then why wouldn't he mention them at any point to me in the last months until only after I caught him through call logs, etc. He is now saying that him going to Swingers clubs without me and him finding a 'replacement' for me for Vegas exchange was just 'fabrication' and a way to try to manipulate me to going more (who knows what is true anymore, but either way that's pretty sick). I am just so disgusted with him right now I have broken up with him because I feel like I don't even know who he is anymore? I only wish I had posted this thread months ago or a year ago when this all first started, and showed him the responses and maybe, maybe we could have rectified the situation. But now I feel like he's done so much damage and betrayal to me, has proved that he has the capacity to hurt me so bad, lie to me to my face, hide huge secrets from me, cheat on me, etc. without even flinching or feeling any guilt - and how could I possibly be with him again after that?? How could I build a relationship or marriage with a person like that? He single-handedly ruined everything that our relationship stood for and all the purity, honesty, our loving, special, special 'priceless connection' we always said we had, etc. feels like he just trashed it. I am so beyond hurt and betrayed right now... He keeps saying he wants to marry me still and wants me back but I am just not answering the phone right now bc I'm so hurt. Thanks again so much guys.. I will continue to keep you posted.. : )

Oh and I wanted to add that, being a very communicative and authentic person in general and then the fact that Relationship Coaching is my every day job, I have been great with communicating with him from Day 1 and we have had many lengthy discussions about our relationship goals and needs, desires, boundaries, etc... And also from the first time he took me to the Swingers resort I was asking him questions about his motivations for going there and his long-term intentions/goals for us with that, etc. He always used to pitch it as something that was just a fun 'option' for us to spice things up down the line (he said he went to a Swingers resort for the first time w/ his ex-Wife on their 3rd year of marriage, & it rejuvenated their romance and 'bought them another year of marriage' before they ended up divorcing.. Now I'm pretty sure why, Lol). I asked him quite a bit if this was really just an 'optional thing' for him, or if it truly is a 'need' for him to go to these places because I needed to know the truth so I can decide before I invested more time in the relationship. And he said he could 'take it or leave it, no biggie, etc.' ... Well he obviously kept lying as that was over a year ago, and look where it's at now... Not cool, especially when I'm such an honest person to talk with and I'm open to making compromises with a partner in the name of long-term love. I have a great head on my shoulders and come from a wonderful, classy family and I have a lot to offer a man. I'm confident enough to say I'm a great catch, but honestly throughout this my self-esteem has been wearing down a bit bc he's starting to make me feel like I'm not enough to fulfill him and he doesn't appreciate me as someone special. I've been hurting and he doesn't even seem to care. And I do believe that if done the right way, and if it is a mutual decision between a couple who already has been together awhile and built a solid foundation of love, trust, communication & respect, that going to these places sometimes CAN be an enhancement to the relationship. Ok... enough writing I know! I guess it feels good to let this off my chest : ) Thanks for listening...

Hi there. You seem like a nice & insightful crowd, so I thought I'd post a question here. I'll try to be as succinct as I can with the facts: -I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. I'm 29, attractive, successful and never been married; He's 36, Brazilian, cute, and been divorced once. -When I met him a year and a half ago on an online dating site, we had chemistry right away and quickly developed into a great relationship and started falling in love. -The thing that was kind of odd was after only 1 month of us dating, he suggested us going to a Swingers resort in Palm springs for the weekend. He led me to believe it was just a 'clothing-optional' fun resort with cool people, and that's how I said yes to it originally. we went, had a good time frolicking around naked, and met another cool couple there who we had some sex in the same room with and did a little touching here and there with, but nothing other than that. -Then he asks me to go to that place 2 more times within the next month or so... Again I go with him, but I am clear about that we're not even dating very long and Its cool if we go there to have some kinky fun, be exhibitionists and watch and stuff, but not get too involved (I'm a fun and adventurous but still classy girl and I've never been exposed to any 'swinging' in my life). -Then within 3 months of dating, he has to move to Boston for work so we go on a long-distance relationship. He insists that we be fully committed and that we will get married as soon as he moves back out to Cali in a year, so I agree. We proceed to stay together and growing closer in love, and see eachother about 1 weekend a month. -We have an amazing relationship and very loving, passionate, and talk about our futures alot together etc... But he starts wanting to go to these Swingers clubs more and more. And he starts wanting to participate in the group sex more and then, getting angry at me and calling me 'Boring!' whenever I say I'm not quite comofrtable with that yet and he throws a hissy fit. He sais I'm so boring and I am making him 'miss out on all the fun'. -So being that we only see eachother once a month or once every other month as it is, we are still in that 'Honeymoon' phase and cant keep our hand off eachother and stuff, but then he really starts killing the mood when we see eachother for the first weekend in over a month and he pushes us to go to another Swingers club. He starts getting more and more pushy with us going to these Swingers clubs like every time we get together, and starts pressuring me more and more to do stuff with other peopole and tellling me about his fantasies with 3-somes and with my female friends being in bed with us while we're making love, and then calling me boring whenever I tell him I'm not ready for that stuff yet... that I just want our relationship to get on a little more solid ground before I feel comfortable going to these places so often and swapping, etc. -Even when we have taken trips, like to visit his family in Brazil, we've gone to a Europe trip, a Spain trip, etc., it's like the firs thing he mentions when he gets there is 'Let's go try this Swinger's club I found online!" and he spends so much time researching these places, and here I thought we were just going to have a romantic vacation! But then he gets me to go to these clubs with him and because I'm in love with him, I go even though each time we go I start to feel more and more sck to my stomach because he starts acting more creepy and forceful. It is definitely not a 'bonding' experience like he used to say! It is like him getting off on staring at people having sex and then wanting us to join in ! -Now we're at the year and a half mark, and he is wanting us to go to the big 4-day long 'Vegas Exchange' swingers party in August and basically forcing us to go, he calls me boring all the time and gets pissed off at me because he is saying I am too 'closed-minded' because I don't feel comofrtable yet jumping into all the orgies going on there but prefer to just have sex on the outside... (and of course he never has once appreciated or acknolweged the fact that I have gone with him over a dozen times to different Swing clubs in the last year even though it's wayy out of my comfort zone, and even though we are so new in our relationship and we barely see eachother as it is! He just keeps wanting more and more and calls me boring if I'm not comfortable with it). I told him I wasn't quite comfortable with us going to Vegas exchange yet (honestly I'm a little scared of it!) and said maybe a year or two down the line once we're married and living with eachother I'd feel more ok going there. I have to tell you, I am a very wild and adventurous, fun, outgoing, kinky girl. I am actually a professional relationship coach so I definitely know how to please my man in bed and I am nothing short of wild and spontaneous and open-minded. But the fact that he just right upfront tried to get me into this and keeps pushing and forcing me into this and getting obsessed over it is starting to make me feel turned off by it. -Also, I just found out that he has gone to a Swingers club in Boston with another girl several times behind my back! And he was going to use her as my 'replacement' to go to the Vegas Exchange in August if I didn't want to go, and lie about where he was going to be that weekend! I have caught him in so many lies in the last 6 months its not even funny. Girls sending him sexy lingerie pix to his phone, phone logs of him calling girls late at night and telling me he's 'at work', very flirty and inapporpriate Facebook and texting conversations to lots of other girls, etc... And now he is telling me that he feels that 'Oh, sex is just sex, it's no big deal, I love you so much and you are the love of my life and even if I were to just sleep with another girl, she would never take the place of you and never take my heart! My heart is with you only, and nothing I or you could do woudl ever compromise our love for each other. I can seperate sex from emotions." But that honestly disgusts me, and I don't like it! It sounds like that's the kind of future and marriage that he is now saying he wants, and wants me to comply with it. Of course, he never said this in the beginning - he presented himself as such an honest and upstanding, faithful man that would never ever cheat on his girl. Now he is basically saying that 'It is in a man's DNA to cheat and being in the Swinger's lifestyle will eliminate that problem because we can both be 'free' with each other but still have each other's hearts!' So what the hell? I don't know what to do, I really love this man and we have been so close, I have been waiting faithfully for him for the past year while he's been away in Boston finishing up his Master's degree, and now I find out that he's been doing some shady stuff on the side and he wants us to pretty much immerse in the Swingers lifestyle?? Like I said I am no prude, I am open-minded and adventurous and I told him I would be up for going to Swingers clubs maybe once every 2 months or so and have fun, do a little soft play/touching, but not full swap, and I just dont want to be doing this stuff like every week and meeting up with couples and stuff... But apparently that is still not enough for him and he doesn't appreciate that, just wants more! Ugh.. Can anyone give me any advice o this? Should I just cut my losses and let his guy go, because we just don't share the same vision a relationship? Will he only get worse form here and try to get me to comply with all the swinging more? Seems like he has some sort of addition or something to me... He constantly needs to get validation and compliments from women, even if they're ugly homely women. I don't feel like he is easing me into this the right way , with all his pressure and force and rushing it and stuff... I mean if we are planning on getting married and stuff, why the huge rush on his part, why not just be a little patient and wait a bit, explore our own sexuality first inside our relationship, strengthen our foundation and then maybe explore that a little, together when it feels right? Thoughts or advice? Sorry this post is soo long!