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V&C in NYC

Registered
  • Content Count

    16
  • Joined

Community Reputation

15 Good

About V&C in NYC

  • Rank
    Contributor
  • Birthday 04/02/1984

Personal Info

  • Relationship Status
    Single Female
  • Location
    NYC
  • Interests
    Laughing, writing, traveling, horror movies, and dancing!
  • Occupation
    Comedy Club/Grad School
  • Swinging Experience
    2 years swinging in my last relationship.
  • Anniversary
    xx/xx/xxxx
  1. Thanks everyone for your replies and advice! I will keep you posted with any updates or changes. For now I'm enjoying the calm and praying that the storm is over, but I will heed your advice and not let my guard down just yet. Thanks again!
  2. Sunbuckus, At this point (or at least for today), I feel that much of was just anger and him trying to push buttons. I haven't responded in the slightest to those messages since I last posted. I completely ignored him. He's randomly texted me at 3am that he misses me or during the day asking questions like, "Whats the dog's groomer's number?" I feel he's trying to find any way or excuse to contact me. But the threats have completely vanished and have not come up again. I don't want to let my guard down, but I'm not feeling very worried about it anymore. Also to answer a lot of your questions about us living together: NO!! I moved out about 3 weeks ago! He agreed to let me come to the house when he wasn't there to get a few items that he previously didn't want me to have. I don't know if he's given up or accepted that its over or if he will suddenly freak out again and start with threats or crazy talk. We've managed to square away our financial stuff and he gave me money for the cancellation fees of a trip we had planned (which he had previously refused to pay). We are cordial and only are texting regarding the dog. I know all of you said to either take the dog or leave it, but I can't bear it!! We both love her dearly and we got her together and I just want to have hope that we can continue to have her alternate weeks. We've agreed that I will drop/pick her up on days/times when he's not there. Is this progress? Or am I batshit crazy?
  3. Gordo, The secret encounters with this particular female happened three times! I found out the first time, he apologized profusely, cried, and promised it would never happen again. Two weeks later, it happened again. Then another time. All pre-meditated, all with endless lies and cover-ups. All occurring after promising that such a thing would NEVER happen as we have an "honest open relationship". Ha! I suggested counseling and he REFUSED! I asked him to get on this board and read similar stories as I tried to share with him my feelings and things I had taken from this website. He REFUSED. I didn't push the counseling on him. I asked him once and he was adamant about not going so I let it go. At the end, I felt I was the only one fighting to make things work. Instead of him wanting to refocus on us and take some time away from the lifestyle (like I did), he wanted to have free reign to sleep with this woman (who obviously is a threat to me) as well as anyone he chooses. All of a sudden he wants to be in an open relationship without having to get consent whatsoever. He said he did not want to step back from the lifestyle at all or take a break and that it shouldn't be a big deal because we both are cool with casual outside sex. I've created a monster! So, all in all, I don't think ending our relationship was drastic. I was so worn out and broken from trying to fix us that I finally had to accept that BOTH of us had to want to work on it.
  4. My ex and I have been broken up for less than a month and though I've moved out, and tried to keep my distance, we have many ties that make that impossible. We share a dog and have financial ties with car leases etc. I've been very non confrontational even when he has aggravated me to the fullest. Basically, he won't accept full responsibility for cheating on me while we were in the lifestyle. He has minimized the seriousness of his actions because he had been with this female before with MY CONSENT. His lack of responsibility and remorse is why I left him. He has turned angry and said some incredibly hurtful things and seems to be in disbelief that I would actually end our 5 year relationship over his "minor slip-ups". I know me and I can't deal with dishonesty. I can't be in a relationship where I question everything that comes out of your mouth. Now that he's realized I really am NOT coming back and that my stance has not changed, he's become a person I don't even recognize. He's sending me texts threatening to tell all of my friends about us being in the lifestyle!! We were debating over who would get the couch and he throws comments like that in if he doesn't get what he wants! I'm in complete shock that he would stoop so low. At this point, I've been so hurt by his actions and words, I feel like nothing he could do or say could be much worse. But I want the choice to tell my friends about my lifestyle when and if I want to and HOW I want to. He knows how paranoid I was about being discovered and judged or shunned by my choices. Now he's using this to HURT me! I don't know if he really would do this but the fact that he even threw it out there disgusts me to no end. I thought I had been through the worse and it's just not getting any easier. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Any advice?
  5. The tiger analogy is a good one. Thanks GoldCoCouple! I guess it really is that simple as hard as it is to accept. I've decided I'm going to still go on the Mexico vacation alone and I'm looking forward to it. I'm trying to be positive and know that with time, things will get easier. Thanks so much for your advice and kind words. I'm so glad that I have this board as a resource and for support.
  6. Hi Sunbuckus, Great post. I've been going over in my mind all of the different reasons that people cheat. I think I would feel better if I had a concrete reason as to why he would do this in our situation. Perhaps he felt restricted sexually, as you mentioned, even in what I thought was a pretty flexible open relationship? He's yet to give me an answer that makes any sense for me. I go crazy every time I try to dissect the situation. But you brought up a lot of reasons I believe people cheat whether they are swingers or not. Maybe the answer will strike me in the future.
  7. Thanks so much to everyone! Thanks for the virtual hug, it made me smile : ) Emily & Art, yes I can say I feel more confident and sure of what I want in a partner and relationship. I want to heal and move on from this without being bitter and without bringing any baggage or trust issues into a future relationship. I hope to eventually love and trust again whether it be in the lifestyle or not. For now, I'll focus on me, on school and work and with time, I know it'll get easier. I found an apartment that I love so I'm off to a new fresh start. Thanks again for your kind words.
  8. Hi. This is my first post. I've been lurking on this site for about two years though. I am 29 and am newly single. I was in a relationship for 5 years and we got into the lifestyle for the last 2 years of our relationship. We took baby steps upon beginning and our communication opened up and was increased 10 fold. We made a few hiccups, rule changes, etc., but always ended up taking a step back, checking in with each other and coming out stronger than before. I thought we had a fun & loving life together ahead of us. We mostly have done MFM's and found one couple that we would swap with that we had great chemistry with. All in all, its been a great journey. Until now. About 6 months ago, my SO brings up swinging separately. He is a musician and travels, has late nights, and is around beautiful girls all of the time. He said he would like to be able to sleep with them if the opportunity arose and he were interested from time to time. Initially, we both agreed we had no interest in doing separate rooms or anything like that. Still, I was glad he told me if his desires had changed so I didn't flip out or anything. I told him it sounded more like an open relationship than swinging. He got defensive in saying that we've had sooo much more mfm's than couple swapping and that I had been with a lot more males than he had been with females and so it shouldn't be a big deal. Meeting and finding couples that we are both interested in has been frustrating and not fruitful BUT he LOVES the MFM's just as much as I do! I'm 100% positive. He initiates them, sets it up, and has always been super turned on by seeing me with other men. Its been just as much for him as it has been for me. He basically starts saying that he should be able to play on the side to make things more even. I asked him to give me some time to think about it. I honestly didn't have qualms or jealousy about him being with another woman without me; I just needed certain boundaries to be in place and I wanted to have some time to ponder. Shortly after that conversation, I had a cruise coming up with a friend and was going to be out of town for a few days. He suggested that we give each other a "hall pass" and says it's a fantasy of his for me to be with someone else without him there and then to tell him all the details and that he'd like to do the same. I told him okay, lets do it and see how we feel afterwards. I met a guy the last night of my cruise and we had hot safe sex in the computer room of the cruise ship (because I'm classy lol). It was fun and hot and I couldn't wait to tell my SO about it. When I got back to our apartment the next day, he practically attacked me and we had the HOTTEST sex ever. I knew he had been with someone and he knew I had been with someone without us even uttering a word. It was amazing. After sex, we told each other every detail and had sex pretty much for the rest of the day. After this, I tell him that I'm okay with him doing this on the side as long as he tells me beforehand, he uses a condom, and we continue to check in with one another, etc. Our communication had been so great, I felt like we could try anything at least once and if it wasn't working out, we'd stop or change up the rules like we always had in regards to other concerns. Basically, we met a girl at an after party for a big show he did. There were a bunch of girls from a video shoot he'd just done and the air was very sexually charged. We were all dancing and the girl, C, was hitting on both of us. I wondered if she was in the lifestyle or if she was bi or just drunk lol. She's gorgeous, great fun personality, etc and she's totally my SO's physical type. Anyway, a few weeks later, she came over, and we had our very first threesome. It was a lot of fun and I loved seeing my SO so turned on and the girl said she'd love to do it again. Well I found out that they have met up on 3 other occasions without me and without my knowledge or consent over the past 2 months. I felt it in my gut I suppose. He's been distant and a little cold. Initially I attributed it to him having lost his job which was about 2 months ago as well. I was trying to be nurturing and supportive and even picked up an extra p/t temp job to bring in some more money to try to decrease the stress he was feeling. But apparently that meant nothing. He admitted to the one time and that it was stupid and he doesn't know what he was thinking and that he was afraid that I would be upset that they wanted to see each other alone. What happened to the awesome open communication we had??? Its gone just like that?? Why wouldn't he just talk to me? I'm not really a yeller. I'm very chill and it takes A LOT to get me really upset and crazy. I ALREADY told him I was open to allowing him to be with other women without me AND I liked this girl a lot and she understood our situation. Why didn't he just ask me? It makes no sense at all and on top of the betrayal and hurt, I'm feeling like I'm responsible because I did bring the girl into our bedroom. I couldn't possibly explain this to any of my friends. It's lonely being a swinger sometimes. So he admits to the first time and a couple of weeks later, I smell perfume or some fragrance on him that is not mine and he admits that he was with her again. He says they happened to be at the same music event that night and he doesn't know what he was thinking. Our relationship understandably got even shakier and I pretty much ended things. He freaked out once he realized I was looking for apartments, he's pleading, begging, crying, going crazy, and promises that he will NEVER do this again and that its killing him to see me hurt like this. I give it another shot. We've still been arguing and I'm paranoid and mistrustful which I've never been before and we're both a little nutty. In response to that, I guess he couldn't help himself. He was with her two weeks ago in our apartment. He flat out just told me this time. He says that she is just a release and that there is nothing more. He wants me to consider being in an open relationship. I think he's lost his f***ing mind. I have never felt a pain like this in my life. I opened Pandora's box and now I'm paying for it. I guess I don't really have a question. It feels therapeutic just to type it all out I suppose. I'm not close friends with anyone in the lifestyle so I have no one to talk to. And I'm grappling with if this is still REALLY cheating since we were with her before and I don't have any qualms about outside casual sex. Now that is actually over, I'm wondering if cheating is prevalent everywhere. I'm surrounded by it in my family. Most of the divorces in my family have stemmed from cheating. All of my friends either have cheated or been cheated on. I thought we were different because we were so open and honest. Are honest loyal lovers extinct? A thing of the past? -A very sad V
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