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Desdemona1980

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    66
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  • Days Won

    4

Desdemona1980 last won the day on August 25 2013

Desdemona1980 had the most liked content!

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297 Excellent

About Desdemona1980

  • Rank
    Active Contributor
  • Birthday 01/01/1980

Personal Info

  • Relationship Status
    Single female
  • Location
    Whoville
  • Swinging Experience
    Newbie, but getting there
  • Anniversary
    xx/xx/xxxx
  1. You are not in a marriage with a swinger. You are in a marriage with a cheater. If you could not trust him to be honest and faithful to you when in a monogamous marriage, you cannot trust him to be faithful and honest with you in an open marriage. He breaks the rules and does as he pleases because he wants to and chooses to. He, then, turns the blame on you and gaslights you to make you believe you are going crazy. You are not crazy, you are married to a cheater and he is disrespecting you in the worst ways. Swinging never helps a bad marriage, and it does not solve the issue of cheating. I feel like this is becoming more prevalent in the LS the past couple years. I am seeing more drama at clubs and events, and it makes me wonder if it is due to one spouse not really being interested and going along to keep peace in the marriage. I see it both among men and women, but moreso from the wives.
  2. In the beginning I tried not to let it get to me if they were *polite* smokers and hadn't smoked since having a shower and brushing their teeth. I quickly realized I'm very sensitive to the smell and taste of it and it really kills the mood for me. I no longer play with smokers.
  3. I do appreciate your honesty on this issue. I also know we're only getting your side of the story and your perspective, so I'm not basing what I post on the merits of your argument to stay or go, only you know what is best for you and your partner. If what you say lines up with what is mostly true, I think it is only fair for you to leave the relationship. You are not going to be fulfilled and happy in the relationship so resentment will breed and grow. I am glad you were willing to come here and be honest about how you feel now that you know swinging cannot be part of your life if you are with her. I've read many times here and other swinger's boards that if one partner wanted to stop all LS activity it would be ok and the relationship was the top priority. (I'm not saying anyone who has that belief is lying or wrong) I have questioned the reality and validity of that statement at times, because the LS does become a very big part of our lives and our identities even. I'm single so I don't have the life lessons, but I wonder how easy it would be for people to walk away from the LS if their partner decided it wasn't for them and then went even further and said they weren't really into it and did it for the other partner. It would feel like a betrayal it seems. I'm sure for some leaving the LS to preserve the relationship would be a no-brainer, but I don't think that is so for everyone and I don't think it would be easy for most. I think many would struggle with resentment and wanting their freedom back. One thing I read from your posts are that you seem to think you are *enlightened* because you have found the freedom of the LS. This seems a bit arrogant, because it isn't being enlightened, it's just different. I'm sure many *vanilla* couples would feel enlightened compared to swingers if they can say they have a more varied and active, passionate sex life with only one another, neither would be true, just different.
  4. I tend to agree with VegasLee on this. I've not been in the LS all that long compared to him and I don't have the years of talking to swingers that he has, but I hear and see a lot of social swinging going on. For myself, as a unicorn, it's not something I play around with. I'm all about the NSA swinging for fun, but when I make a friendship in the LS the play stops with that couple. I don't want to risk any possible drama or misunderstandings that could put a couple at odds because of fun and dirty play that got emotional. I'm not saying I'm all that and a bag of chips and I think husbands will want to leave their wives for me, but I'm overly cautious when it comes to respecting the marital relationship. I also see (more so lately) the wife wanting to experiment with other women, but the husbands are not to touch or be touched by the unicorn. I won't touch that situation with a ten foot pole (after learning the hard way more than once). Surprisingly enough, I had one couple (the wife) tell me her husband had cheated in the recent past, but they wanted her to explore her bicurious side, so she would be playing with me and he would watch, but he couldn't touch or talk sexually to me or I to him. I ran like the wind. I think some newbies get the rush from thinking about the LS, but don't give enough credence and respect to the fact that it isn't for everyone and it can devastate a relationship that isn't sound and solid. But we're human and we like to play with fire in drought-ridden grasslands.
  5. I think for most vanilla sexual favors a give and receive is understood, unless otherwise discussed, but pissing? No, not ok to assume he could piss on you without EXPLICIT consent. I'm sorry, but that is a fetish most people are not into. In most swinging situations when boundaries are pushed or need to be clarified I'm cool and easy to talk to, if some guy pissed on me in the shower I might turn into a raving lunatic.
  6. Angelkin - Yes, I think if I need a cheat sheet to remember the do's and do not's I'm going to be too stressed to enjoy myself. It's hard to remember who can tough whom and where in the heat of play...
  7. I assume all club, social and etiquette swinging rules apply to me as they do everyone else. I stay mainly to on-site clubs and for my safety I don't drink when I swing. I either approach the wife or the couple, but rarely approach a married/committed man unless we've talked previously. Also to stave off drama I rarely (if ever) play with a couple if one partner has five rules to follow and the other partner has 15 to follow. I prefer their boundaries and rules be as equal as possible, and really, if there are a ton of them, it gets to be too confusing. Keep it simple and avoid the drama. Also if I get any vibe that one is into it and one is only mildly into it, I find someone else.
  8. Lots of good thoughts in this thread. I'm a single female, so take this for what you will. To me the betrayal isn't in the physical/emotional, it's the deceit. The purposeful and willful lying to a spouse, either with words or by omission. I would be more hurt by an emotional connection, but if it was physical and the person decided "I'm going to fuck Susie Swinger three times a week and never tell Des", that would be a huge breech of trust and a lie by omission, unless our relationship was open and we didn't even have to talk about it. It's different if it's boundaries crossed and admitted to and talked about. Blowing past boundaries and never looking back, admitting to it or talking about it with the deceived party is where the cheating comes into play. Cheating is about deception and hiding. It is disrespectful and unloving at its very core.
  9. Okay, I thought I had been clear. I have told him I am no longer comfortable playing and would not play with him (or them) again. I don't know if he has told his wife, which is why I don't know if I should forward texts/emails to her, or if I should MYOB. I'd like to go to the club this weekend, so maybe I'll go and see what happens, chances are they won't be there.
  10. I only swing in on-premise club settings. My boundaries have been to swing with couple or if I had the consent of the spouse to play alone. I don't swing with the same people more than 2-3 times because I don't want friendships because I worry about feelings creeping in. Last fall I met a couple at the club and we all hit it off. We danced, talked and eventually played, all of us. She found another guy that interested her after our first go around, and she went off with him and said she was okay with her husband and I playing alone. The night went great and I exchanged numbers with the wife. Two days later I got a text from the husband. He and his wife wanted to meet fro dinner and drinks, and we were able to schedule that for a couple weeks later. In the meantime he continues to text me, and I decided to make sure it was okay with his wife, and it was. We met for dinner and I went back to their place (I've not done that before), and she didn't want to play so he and I played alone. There was more texting and phone calls. We met again at the club and we ended up not playing but talking all night. He asked me out on a "date" and I said no. It was fine if his wife was around but I didn't want to blur the lines with dating. He was disappointed but no big deal. We played several times over the next two months, sometimes with his wife and sometimes without. The last time we played it was he and I. This time felt a little different. He was more romantic, more cuddling, more whispers and then during intercourse he whispered in my ear that he loved me. I froze and then asked him to stop. We talked and I told him I was not comfortable with what he was feeling and he needed to tell his wife. I also told him we could no longer have contact of any kind. It's been 10 weeks since that night, and I don't know if he has told his wife, but I am continuing to get texts and emails from him. Some mundane, some flirty and some way over the line. My questions are; Do I call his wife? Do I MYOB and keep ignoring him? I haven't returned to the club because I'm afraid to run into him, which is a bummer because it's the only decent one in the area. Where did I go wrong? I feel awful and I feel like by me pushing my boundaries about friendship and how many times I play with the same couple that I've brought this on myself. I'm sad and I'm afraid to jump back in. I don't want to be the girl that causes issues. I need help.
  11. Yes, please make sure Becca is 100% honest with her husband about what she is thinking and feeling. If both couples are not open to a poly type relationship, do you feel there is any future for you and Becca? I know your wife is letting you explore this and see where it leads. What if it leads to you being more in love and bonded to Becca than your wife, and the same is true for Becca? If your wife starts to sense she is "losing" you to Becca and she pulls the plug are willing to make the clean break from Becca? I ask because I recently found myself in a somewhat similar situation (only I'm a single woman) and I'm still dealing with the fallout. It isn't pretty or easy. I broke or bent a few of my rules and it bit me in the ass. I've been wanting to start a thread about it, but I've been too apprehensive. I suppose I will start it now, as to not hijack your thread.
  12. I agree. As I read the OP, my first thought was "he sounds like a cheater in swinger's clothing."
  13. Oldaffair - You have a lot of issues going on. Going by what you have posted it sounds like your wife did and does have boundary issues. I will say even without the newest info, I don't think it was wrong of you to be hurt and frustrated about finding out about the situation 20+ years ago. As you said, it was new for you and also the relationship at the time was not "open", so if she invited the proposal in any way, it was a sign she was willing to risk the marriage. That would be a hard pill to swallow even 20 years later, because it isn't about what did or didn't happen but what she might have been willing to risk, and would she be willing to risk it today. I think you and your wife need to have a serious and heart felt talk about your perceptions, and not starting with the issue 20 years ago, but with her ongoing boundary issues. Keep an open mind and make sure you "listen" and really hear her. It comes down to basic disrespect, especially if she always has an excuse and doesn't look closely at how her actions affect you. I think it's wise you have stepped back from swinging. I also think bringing in a professional to help unpack all of this is necessary. You've been hanging onto hurts for a long time.
  14. I have a pet peeve as well. I don't run into it often, but when I do it's totally off-putting. When it comes to cologne or perfume, less is more. Please go lightly or don't use it at all. It's silly, but makes me crazy.
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