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Blury

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    15
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15 Good

About Blury

  • Rank
    Contributor
  • Birthday 08/10/1980

Personal Info

  • Relationship Status
    M. Female
  • Location
    Canada
  • Anniversary
    xx/xx/xxxx
  1. ...Yes, you are all right...I am staying on guard and I can't erase his behaviors. They will stay in my mind until I am sure. We haven't brought up the subject up again. He says it's useless to talk about it more and that he will get used to it although he feels like swinging is part of him, as he had been doing it as a single on and off for 5 years (excluding when he was in relationships). Maybe the best thing was to simply walk away from it all...but I need to try everything to save my marriage... I too hope he can keep his word...and I do hope things can go back to the way they were before..as unrealistic as this may sound...I want to start fresh. If it wasn't for all of you, I wouldn't have had the courage to do this. So whatever the final outcome, please know that finding this forum was the best thing that could have happened and it gave me strength to step up. I don't know any of you but regardless, I felt supported and relieved. THANKS YOU!
  2. ...I just told my husband I was in too much pain and I didn't want to swing anymore and that I tried to like it but at the end I did it for him and sleeping with strangers makes me feel like shit afterwords. He said if that's what it takes to make me happy, he will cancel everything and he will suppress this side of him. He said he didn't know it was making me suffer and that we will focus on fixing our relationship until it's solid, and that I'm more important. When and if I'm ready, we will try again... I don't know how everything will end up...I am afraid that he will slowly disconnect from me or he will hold it against me...I guess time will tell.
  3. All your comments are making me realize a lot...I woke up crying this morning...I feel I'm on the edge of a breakdown... My husband left on business on Monday and is coming back tonight. He texted me yesterday asking me if it was ok to book a swinging night with a couple...He's gone for a day and he can't help but prepare for the next encounter...he couldn't wait until he came back...He's obsessed with it. I feel so deceived and tormented...We got along so well until we started this...I keep remembering awful feelings I had while looking at him fuck other women. He doesn't even look like he wants to play with me when we swing. He fucks the girl for a bit and when I come to play with him, after 2 minutes he asks if we can switch..it makes me feel so rejected... When we go out to clubs, he used to want to dance with me and play with me first...But now he gets me on the dance floor and all he does is look at everyone else but me to see his prospects...And I don't want to sound conceited because I'm really not, but I am a very attractive person, slim, fit, pretty... but and it seems that everyone sees it but him in this context....He notices me only when we're at home and he tells me I'm beautiful. So If I'm so beautiful, why the unsatisfiable urge of being with other women? One time, I was sick with 40 degree fever and I had promised him a month before I would go to this party with him. He was so excited, I didn't want to go through another weekend of him not talking and being depressed so we went anyway..As I was putting on my makeup, I was sweating and then I crawled in bed until it was time to go...He didn't one say that it was unreasonable for us to go...so we went. I was drinking water the whole night, sitting at the table, cold and covered with someone's vest. everyone kept asking em if I was ok...But he went off on his own, making out in corners with other women, out of my sight, scolding me because I couldn't dance and dragging me to the dancefloor so he could dance with other's wives, telling me that my sickness was causing him a horrible ruined night...and then he was so upset with me because I told him I felt like he didn't care, that he went to the play area to watch people...then to the dance floor grinding and kissing and going down on girls...without me..:-( The whole time a couple (our friends) stayed with me to keep me company, and kept asking: it doesn't bother you, we feel bad for you... The next day, I had to to the ER...I was put on antibiotics for a month..and every weekend until I was better, he got depressed and barely talked or held me...because he couldn't swing.. I told him once I felt like he was using me as bait...but he gets upset telling me how dare I say that, that it's the experience together...but what experience together? it's not about us... I feel I need to get it out...I'm just so sad....
  4. Thank you :-( Your responses really mean a lot to me...It's so reassuring that I can speak about what's been on my mind openly and that so many of you are listening...
  5. :'-( I don't think that the exes shutting the door was the deal breaker...He says he felt judged and they overall they didn't have the same aspirations and goals in life (i.e. travel, etc.) and he never felt connected with them. Swinging never seemed to be the primary reason. When it comes to me, he says he brought it up just to know how I would react, to see if I would accept him for what he did in the past as a single swinger, and not judge him. He says he would've married me regardless of me being into it or not...but...now, I'm not so sure. I always think that he will go back to being how he was before we got married...This is what keeps me going: him telling me that this is not like him and that he was never like this in the past... Have I ever been in abusive relationships? I have dated men who were verbally insensitive but it was visible from the start so it never lasted. I have been cheated on by exes in which I was in long term relationships with and in all honesty, my father cheated on my mother for 25 years with different people until she ended it. This is probably why swinging turns my stomach...My past is not in my favor but my present situation, I never saw coming. There were no signs it would turn this way before I got married.
  6. Hi Alora, Yes it did...he says he tried to bring it up with them but every time they shut the door in his face so he stopped talking about it. He told me one time he had a threesome with one of his exes and another guy and it made him feel closer to her. Then he says that he feels closer to me afterwards when we reminisce...for me, it just creates distance, because I don't enjoy getting f**** (pardon my language) by strangers...I feel like I'm a piece of meet and I don't understand why my husband would want to share me with others..or throw me over to men that I tell I'm not even attracted to. I would like him to want me to himself. Even when I was single, I never slept with men I didn't know. I felt cheap and little...It's not me... I want to have sex with the I'm involved with. That's it.
  7. JB - Thank you for your message. The problem is that everytime I tell him I would prefer something which is restrictive to what he would like, he tells me I am a barrel in his wheels and that he can't be himself. So basically, I'm trying to stay within my comfort level so I don't feel forced in anything, and we are both ok with the situation, but at the end of the day, if he doesn't get everything he wants: making out with all the girls on the dance floor, separate rooms, dancing with who he wants etc., I will always loose. I think the best solution is me finding the courage to tell him once and for all that I will not do it anymore and to not be afraid that the marriage will break...I hope our relationship is worth more to him than his need for swinging.
  8. Hi Alora - by exes, I meant ex-girlfriends...He wasn't married before me..I asked him about how he was with them but he says he didn't swing with them, and that he didn't care and was disconnected from them, and always thinking if someone else out there was better for him, until he met me. He says this resulted in no fights, no abuse, nothing. And yes...he does say it's my fault that he looses his temper...He says he was never like this before and that I bring out the worst in him..:-( This is what is crazy...He is the perfect guy when you meet him...Everyone think's he's adorable and how he looks like he loves me so much..and we get home, and he is still perfect until I say that one thing that upsets him...or until he speaks to me about a couple and I am not receptive... I never EVER thought he would be capable of being like this...He was so patient and understanding before we got married...
  9. Yes I know... I am foolish and I told him I would try to be comfortable with it...I just want the fighting to stop...:-( but I know deep down my feelings won't change... If I tell him I changed my mind again, it like pushing and pulling no...He'll think I'm inconsistent..I don't know how to approach him.. Do any of you think that writing him a letter to voice clearly how I'm feeling would be a good way to communicate this to him (that I don't want to swing anymore)...Simply telling him that I don't want to have sex or watch him have sex with other people and that I tried but it's not working for me?...
  10. TwoAreLooking - I will try to tell him this in the way you suggested...but yes, I worry about the relationship...After voicing countless times that I am not comfortable with this lifestyle, he still insists on it... Once, when fighting about this, I asked him: what is it that do you want? He replied: you don't want to know. I said: Yes. Tell me. He said: I want a wife that is pleased in doing the same things as me and if she's not, I want her to pretend that she is. I was so sad...he then said: I told you you didn't want to know. later he tried to justify it saying he meant it in another way...but please... The fundamental problem is that he thinks I should go out of my way to satisfy what he wants because this is what a good wife does. :-(
  11. Thank you so much for your support Stew, I wish my husband will be as understanding as you with your wife if we stop. he says the same thing as you: that it is a cherry on the cake of our relationship...but that is not the feeling I get...he knows what to say to make me feel better during the moments I question it all... For a month I was very sick on antibiotics. During the week he was so sweet taking care of me...as soon as came the weekend, he barely talked to me,being depressed, sighing because he couldn't go out to the club and because we missed some parties... Before we got married, I knew it was something he wanted to do with me. The only thing is, he presented in a way where his fantasy was actually watching me when in a threesome with another man (this never happened)...he went straight to couples knowing even if I told him many times I was uncomfortable seeing him with other women. If I had been straight up with me from the start telling me he wants it to be a weekly thing, I would've told him that I will never want it that frequently...and if it was a condition for marrying me, than we probably wouldn't have gotten married. But the fact is Stew...he never told me that. He presented it to me as only fantasies...He said even if we don't do it, we can still fantasize about it...and I was curious...just not to his extent. Once or twice would've done it. I remind him now about how he presented it before...he acknowledges, but his excuse is that for him it's all or nothing and if he closes up to me on this topic, he will close up on everything else just like what he did with his exes. He tells me he will slowly disconnect from me because he'll have to watch everything he says and thinks. Who wants their husband to do that? I don't want to have a disconnected relationship...I don't want him to hate his life. I tell him now I will enjoy it if we experience it only once in a while but this is too much for me...the best compromise I got from him so far is doing it once every two weeks...but even then he comes back saying that we agreed to not go to the CLUB every two weeks, so that means we can meet up with people on the week we don't go out...But NO...it was swinging altogether that we agreed on! he doesn't listen and says I'm being pessimistic and he hates negativity...and says I have no way of knowing if I won't want to do it in two weeks and I am just anticipating the worst. He says I'm the most rigid person he knows and that he has one life to live and wants to live it to the fullest. I feel on a roller coaster ride...one day I feel I'm the world to him and the love of his life, and when I don't comply to his wants or I argue with him on certain things, he tells me he hates his life...how hurtful it is to hear your spouse say he hates his life and that you are a barrel in his wheels for swinging...*sigh...
  12. Hi JB, The thing is, my husband has a great personality with everyone. He's kind, respectful, courteous and very handsome...but people don't see his personality with me when we're in the context. He brings me aside and scolds me... I enjoy swinging when everyone is interacting together in the same bed...not seperate...watching him does not excite me...on the contrary...I only want to be with my husband but thinking of staying monogamous while he swings kills me inside... My husband doesn't want to go see a counselor to help us communicate better....he says I am the one with the problem and I am jealous and insecure. The only option I see is stopping altogether...but this might have terrible consequences on our marriage. I'm afraid he will start hating me.
  13. Thank you both for your replies...I am so torn...and I do feel forced into it... I wanted to have fun with my husband and the first experience was nice but now things have gotten so sour...I go to clubs with him, and when he drinks, his reactions are worst...if I don't feel like dancing he gets mad...if he finds a couple attractive I voice that I do not, he says I am a barrel in his wheels and that when he was single he could do whatever he likes... I try to talk about it but he's on the defensive and always gets upset and tells me I'm difficult, controlling, and I don't accept him for who he is and that he married me thinking I would be the one he could be himself with..This makes me feel so guilty. I think that he wouldn't have married me if he thought I wouldn't do everything he wants. Since we started swinging, we stopped exploring our own sexuality together which makes me even more insecure when I'm in that context. We still have sex a lot but I feel he always looked more excited with other women even if they are less attractive than me. I am so confused...this is on my mind all the time...I'm always wondering if my feeling of him using me as bait are true or am I being paranoid. He sees and I tell him how much it hurts me..we never end a swinging night without arguing...but still he insists that he teaches more about it and he says our relationship will be find as long as I accept him and become more easy going...I feel like without swinging he would be miserable..so I try..and I continue trying, hoping that I will one day be ok with it... Maybe it would have been different if I felt he was understanding and not pushy from the beginning...I wasn't comfortable with kissing other people (and I still aren't) but he kept insisting and insisting...then he wanted to do separate rooms to fulfill his fantasy of walking in on me...every time I wonder if what excites him is really watching me and sharing or simply having his cake and eating it too... I feel like crying all the time but I can't show it..the only time when I see him happy is when I say yes to every couple he wants to meet, every party he wants to go to...otherwise he gets depressed and sulks and irritable... We have been married for less than a year...I'm 31 years old...I never knew it was going to be like this...I wasn't ready for this at all. I love my husband and he is the sweetest man when swinging isn't involved but our desires clash...Would he be able to live without swinging and be happy with me? he threatens me that he will disconnect from me if we stop...but the more we do it, the more it troubles me...We didn't even have a few years enjoying only each other...I want a monogamous marriage. Can this ever happen? I am sorry I'm rambling on...I feel so alone...I've been holding this in for so long...Noone around me knows about this side of our life. Would you guys still think your relationship is fulfilled if you had to stop swinging?
  14. Hello all, I am new to this site and I joined to get some advice from swingers with experience... Before we got married (10 months ago), my husband talked to me about his fantasies of having threesomes etc. He said he had been to Hedo twice before but never told me he wanted this lifestyle with me. He talked about it a context of creating experiences together. As soon as we got married, he made me dive into it, going to clubs and meeting people at least once a week. He spends his time on websites emailing and responding to couples. I am a monogamous woman and i got married thinking we would only be together but it never happened. I thought having sexual adventures with other people would be once in a while (like every 6 months), but I, realizing it's like an addiction for him. It hurts me when I see him with other people and to think he wants to share me. I always feel I'm not enough for him. I feel like he uses me as a tool to have sex with other women he finds attractive. I feel like he uses swinging so he doesn't have to feel guilty of having extramarital fantasies and to avoid cheating altogether. When I watch i'm have sex with other women, he is so into it like he forgets I'm there. I brought it up recently that I'm having a hard time with swinging. He says "do you want me to end up cheating on you?!"... and he says that it's fun and that I should get used to it to make him happy because it's part of him. Swinging consists of 95% of our fights and they are like world war 3...I feel that if I don't comply to his "needs', our marriage will collapse. I have nothing against the lifetyle but I'm not sure it's for me..Every time we swing I feel like crying. Letting strangers touch me and fuck me so he could do the same... Please, let me know your thoughts on how to deal with this...Is it possible to get used to this lifestyle? If your spouse decided they didn't want to swing anymore, is your relationship strong enough to survive it? Would you disconnect form your partner? Is swinging a "need" to you? Thank you for those who want to help....I can't talk to anybody about this...
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