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CandLinPC

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CandLinPC last won the day on April 17 2013

CandLinPC had the most liked content!

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About CandLinPC

  • Rank
    Contributor
  • Birthday 06/25/1984

Personal Info

  • Relationship Status
    Couple
  • Location
    Puyallup, WA

Swinger Info

  • SLS Name
    CandLinPC
  • Kasidie Username
    CandLinPC
  1. /sigh. Context is a powerful thing sometimes. This topic is a bit of a minefield. Cooper's/LotS' ethos is not quite so easily explained, nor pushed aside. First and foremost, The Swingset is generally dissatisfied with labels, even going so far as to give ironic caveats during the podcast when they use labels in discussions. They can be of help sometimes, but when they don't exactly fit, we sometimes go in search of a new label to make our own. I'll quote Cooper's Manifesto II here to make my points. Cooper's post was written before coming up with the label, Progressive Swinging, but this is the ethos or mentality that he is encapsulating in that label. It really is more well thought out, and certainly more charitable than "I'm better than you because I do it differently." In fact, he is specifically saying that you should find what you want and go get it, no matter what other people say, and he will fight for your right to do it your way without interference or shame. As he said, "Under the SOP umbrella, the Swinger the Open the Polyamorous are all variations on a single theme. Meaningful human connection."
  2. I'll update with my current list of podcasts and links for them as well. For what it's worth, I subscribe to them all, and listen to new shows when they come out, but I end up finding a few favorite episodes from each. The exceptions to this rule are Life On The Swingset, Swingercast, and Ending The Sexual Dark Age, all of which have (according to me) great content nearly every episode. Savage Love, Dan Savage's podcast can be found on The Stranger's Website. It's kind of like a "queer/sex/trans/all of the above"-positive version of Dear Abby. Almost all of these podcasts can also be found on Facebook if you want to like/friend etc. them. Also, Life On The Swingset has a spinoff coming soon, I think it's called Kinky Geeks, so be looking for that soon as well if you are of a mind. In alphabetical order. AverageSwingers The Beautiful Kind: Sex Positive Podcast Ending The Sexual Dark Age Life On The Swingset - The Non-Monogamy Podcast LifeStyleLife Swap Fu Podcast
  3. We have a separate, non-vanilla FB account that is listed on our "business cards". Any of our play partners are free to add us on that account. Otherwise, the vanilla, real-name accounts stay vanilla.
  4. I can't figure out why you chose Ashley Madison of all places to find swingers. Maybe I'm missing something, I very well could be. AM is a website for cheaters. They expressly market their site as a place to have affairs and cheat. Here is some of the "fine print" at the bottom of their landing page: Notice how many times the words "cheating" and "affair" are mentioned? Is it possible that she might be okay with swinging in an ethical fashion with men or couples that are pursuing non-monogamy with honesty, communication, and ethical behavior? Is it possible that she simply is not comfortable being an active participant in someone else's infidelity? You said that the best of your experiences came with the guy who was ethically dating/playing. I don't mean to sound like I'm coming down hard on you, but swinging ethically seems well nigh impossible if you're using a site geared specifically to cheating and infidelity. I'm genuinely confused. As for the rest of it, all of the other posters here have given great advice. I hope your situation turns out well. -C and L
  5. I fully agree. To answer the devil's advocate, however, the fact is that mistakes like these will inevitably happen. The important part is how you deal with them. Here is the same conversation, albeit a bit truncated, said two different ways with opposite outcomes. Her: Honey, you know tonight when you went down on that girl? Did you realize that you hadn't asked me if you could do that, and that broke one of our rules because you didn't ask me? Him: I hadn't realized that until now. I was so in the moment, and she nearly pushed my head down into her crotch. It was a bit of a surprise, and also so quick that I wasn't able to think quite that fast. I'm sorry that I didn't ask you. How did you feel about it in the moment? Her: Well, to be honest, it was quite hot to watch, but it left me a bit perturbed afterwards because you didn't follow our rule. Him: Okay, I get that, and will have it in mind a bit so that I won't get caught off guard quite so easily. Did you want to keep the rule intact, about asking first or is that something that you're past now? You said it was kind of hot, so I wanted to check in on how you feel about it. Her: No, I think we'll keep the rule intact for now, only because I like to stay informed of what's going on. Him: Cool. Lets have some hot sex while fantasizing about that girl forcing me to go down on her, where it's safe and you can enjoy the sight without any broken rules. Her: I like that idea, let's go fuck! ------------ V2: Her: Why did you break our rules??!!! You know that it hurts me so bad when you don't ask if you can go down on the other girl. Him: Why are you so jealous? Can't I have any fun at all? It makes me feel like I have a collar around my neck when you say stuff like that! I barely had time to think before she shoved my face in her pussy! Her: I don't care if you didn't have time to think. You broke a rule and now I can't trust you anymore. Him: You're being unreasonable, I didn't like that rule anyway. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow, baby. You know you liked it, I could see it in your eyes. You're just ashamed that you liked it. Her: How can you say that? I'm mad at you and you don't care! We're never swinging again, and you're not getting anything from me for a month, not even a handy! ------------- As you can see, conversation 1 is the cool head, forgive, re-negotiate, empathetic, constructive version. V2 is the accusatory, unforgiving, refusing to let go, and most importantly, destructive kind of conversation. As far as I'm concerned, this constructive, forgiving dynamic is more important than the playtime itself. It's the only way that my wife and I personally could survive the specific kinds of stresses that swinging puts on our relationship. Version 2 only happens when a person is being selfish, and actively clutches to and feeds the jealousy and hurt. Quit hugging the thorn bush, and you'll quit getting hurt. There's a catch though. BOTH partners have to agree to act constructively, it simply doesn't work otherwise. The above conversations are not gender-specific either. All people have to play by the same rules. We're glad you had both good and bad experiences in your update. Robin Williams quoted a director he worked with one time, "When you make a mistake, go with it because it's a Buddhist gift." I always try to look at mistakes as opportunities to learn. That's kind of the basis of my comment about being confident that your partner isn't intentionally trying to hurt you. Also, bad experiences teach us the warning signs and red flags about which couples to stay away from. It really does train the spidey-sense. Happy hunting EBC!
  6. I'll echo much of what has been said here. It's about how you deal with the jealousy. Acknowledge it, think clearly, communicate clearly, forgive, make a decision on how to deal with it next time. When a relationship implodes because of jealousy, it's because one of the people in the relationship refuses to do one or more of these things. Know and have confidence in the fact that your partner does not want to hurt you. We all make mistakes. Deal with them appropriately and all will turn out well. Have a healthy discussion, not a fight. Keep a cool head.
  7. Two words: Informed Consent. I'm not worried about the legal argument, I simply like knowing that my playmate likes having sex with me, and doesn't need to get hammered to do it.
  8. We're members there as well, and agree, it's a great place, and worth the price. After our Desire Cancun trip in November, we plan to attend every two weeks or so and become regulars.
  9. I have a bit of a different take on this one. First, I agree with Mauijanedoe that there is probably a reason why your mate freaks out a bit. Talk about it. Figure out what his real problem is. It's obviously not safe to do BDSM play with strangers. There are plenty of swingers who are also kinky. Strike up a relationship with a couple that you guys can agree on, let him get to know them. Now you can go over to that couple's place to be a slave for the night. It's someone he knows, and can trust. If you aren't able to find kinky swingers, go to a kinky "munch" together. A munch is a meet and greet in a vanilla bar/restaurant/coffee shop/etc. Find someone you, as a couple, can get to know and trust. None of your efforts will work though, if he isn't honest with himself and you. Might I also add that if he keeps breaking rules, then you guys should probably stop what you're doing and take stock of the situation. Maybe he thinks you will break the rules because he may have problems keeping to them. I hope you guys can find a solution that you are both happy with. -C
  10. Hey there. I've been reading along so far, and your story is very encouraging. You're taking a pace that's comfortable for both of you, and most importantly, You're communicating well. That said, I have a few points to add to the already great advice. It's all about you: I think that most swingers feel some kind of pressure, whether internal or peer, to measure up to some kind of standard; beauty, clothing choice, full swap, etc. I think the thing most of us learn very early, but forget very easily is that swinging is what you make it. No one can tell you how to swing, they have no ownership of your actions. If they don't like how you swing, move on. Their bad attitude is not uncommon in the LS, but it hampers progress more than it will ever help. If you want to stay monogamous, but want a sexy environment, that is completely valid. If you want anonymous anal, that's valid too. An almost universal question is, "What do you guys do?" In other words, what are your rules? Do they match up with ours? Are we okay playing with a couple who's rules don't match ours? Safer sex: Again, your rules or no play. Condoms for sex? For oral? Dental dams for lady oral? Some couples also have rules about where to cum; inside, outside, not in the mouth, only on the pinky toe of the left foot, in the fishbowl on the nightstand. It's all valid. Don't let anyone make you go further than you want to, and if someone gives you crap for it, as above, move on. They just aren't worth compromising your rules, and possibly doing damage, great or small to your relationship. Role-playing: Awesome! I don't know if you have fixed your fears of thinking of other people when having sex with each other, but it seems to me that when you role-play the one-night-stand, you are thinking about someone else to a certain degree in the sense that you "don't know" the person you are taking to the hotel room. I don't say this to judge, but to bring it into your mind, and maybe spark a conversation about your progress in that regard. Jealousy: The secret to mastering jealousy is to keep a cool head. If it's a problem in the moment, politely excuse yourselves from play, and take it outside. The biggest boner-killer is seeing drama unfold. It literally puts everyone who saw it in a bad mood, and breaks the party up. Exit the situation, and talk about it afterward. When you discuss it later (outside right now, tomorrow at home, when or wherever), Discuss it, don't argue or try to "win". Your partner did not try to hurt you, they just made a mistake. Find the root of the problem, and devise a strategy to fix it. Jealousy is the symptom, not the problem. The Box: Think outside of it. Role-playing is a superb first step. Next try a hug, dance, or even a small kiss when chatting up other people. Talk about it afterwards when 'sober'. Another fun activity that we personally use often is to go to the local shopping mall, grab a large ice cream each, and people watch. Point out who you think is hot. (Politely and just between the two of you of course) Guess who your partner will think is hot, confirm or deny. This introduces 'other people' into the equation while still remaining safe by not interacting with them. How do you feel when your partner goes nuts for a person who is not your body type? Can you guess the body type or hairstyle that gets your partner an instant boner (or clitoral boner)? After that, repeat the same procedure at a meet and greet or off premise club, and slowly escalate, and then talk about each new experience. You get the picture, escalate, talk, escalate, talk. Rinse and repeat until you find your limits. Go with your gut. If it's telling you something is a bad idea, it's usually right. This usually happens when someone from another couple doesn't seem quite right, and activates your 'protect your spouse radar', but you can't tell why. Don't, however, confuse it with basic fear that may need to be pushed through to make progress. If your limits are pole dancing, and monogamous sex, great. Do it, enjoy the hell out of it, have lots of orgasms. Be accountable: Some say that women run the show in the LS. This is only somewhat true. In any good swinger relationship, Everybody has the option to pull the handbrake. Just as all rules, even the petty ones are valid and not to be trod upon, then any feelings of fear, jealousy, or uncomfortableness are valid reasons to stop action and regroup. Don't ever be afraid to politely (you don't want to hurt the other couple's or single's feelings) excuse yourself from play or even 'harmless' conversation to check up and make sure all is good with your partner, that you both are on the same page. In Conclusion: Do it your way, be comfortable, and screw anyone who gives you crap. Be understanding and cool-headed with your partner. Jealousy is the symptom of insecurity, not the problem. Think outside the box. Go at your pace. Never be afraid to pull the handbrake. I hope this novel has helped at least a little bit, and I hope you guys do well together. -Ciao!
  11. I've lost 65lbs over the last year, but am still 100lbs away from my target weight. I haven't had my wedding ring re-sized because I'm still losing, so I wear it on a long satin cord around my neck. It gets in the way while playing and could be a choking hazard in certain positions. I wear it while socializing so that people see it and know that I'm married, but take it off while undressing for play.
  12. I would take this thought even further. Is she okay with doing things to other people? At first, this doesn't seem to make much sense. From what I've read, many "help me" posts start out like this. We went to a club, we were having sex doggie style. I was okay with another man having sex with my wife, so I called one over and let him have sex with my wife. Now my wife hates my guts, and never wants to swing again. The problem in this is that She was not okay having sex with another man. Just because you are okay with her having sex with another man does not mean that she is too. It's not just about being okay seeing your partner doing stuff, they have to be okay with doing stuff as well. The man in the story doesn't seem to care about what his wife wants to do, he's only focusing on what he's okay with her doing. From what I've read, it seems that when a woman is going back and forth emotionally, they are trying to come to terms with something they did that "they shouldn't be doing". Most women are brought up with a "sex is dirty and icky" mentality. It's very tough to break through that, and it takes time. Even if you have the conversation 5 minutes at a time because that's all she can handle, that's what you do. The communication has to happen, but it will happen in the slowest person's (her) time. God speed.
  13. Just open the itunes store, search for swinger, and click on podcasts. If you subscribe, itunes will automatically download them for you. They are free.
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