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Fundamental Law

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Fundamental Law last won the day on February 22

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About Fundamental Law

  • Rank
    Lifestyle Mentor
  • Birthday 12/28/1954

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  • Relationship Status
    Couple
  • Location
    USA
  • Swinging Experience
    years

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  • SLS Name
    fundamentallaw

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  1. That may or may not be the situation. We will reiterate:
  2. There are exactly two people who have some chance of knowing what goes on inside a marriage. When one of them confides in someone outside the marriage that they are worried about something inside the marriage, the line from "Cool Hand Luke" comes to mind: "What we have heah is...failure...to communicate!" We are sometimes asked about "the" basis for a successful marriage by younger colleagues just embarking on a marital journey. There is of course no "the" basis. But we always remark that durable relationships have somehow engineered a safe space where difficult topics can be broached without fear. That doesn't mean without awkwardness, embarrassment, or even real pain for one or both. It does mean that the relationship is safe while the "whatever" is being explored or negotiated or resolved. In conversations with couples--often LS couples because candor is so foundational to the lifestyle--we often hear that these are 'kitchen table conversations' with some sort of implicit or explicit 'safe zone' that allows an opportunity to reflect and later respond instead of simply reacting. We do not mean that such an arrangement is unique to LS couples, but rather that their success as a couple in the LS is often enabled by such an arrangement. As hunterdonNJ suggests, what works for one couple works for that couple, and that's all that matters. As lcmim suggests, too many unknowns to reach conclusions -- especially hearing only one partner's take on a situation.
  3. https://www.nytimes.com/2024/02/26/travel/nude-spas-saunas-europe.html Once again, simple nude recreation and relaxation is featured in the NY Times. While not quite mainstream--it still attracts reporting--it's no longer taboo and has become somewhat ordinary.
  4. The lyric : Some of them want to use you Some of them want to get used by you Some of them want to abuse you Some of them want to be abused
  5. https://www.reuters.com/fact-check/study-did-not-find-women-store-dna-intercourse-with-men-2024-01-22/
  6. We think the key concept is "dating". The process of "dating" --going back to those horrible teen memories-- is opaque by design, if not intention. A date is negotiated (dinner date, coffee date, movie date), there is interaction, and the parties are learning more about each other. Unfortunately, there is rarely open and candid transaction about "what are you thinking". In LS lingo, there is rarely (if ever) a candid exchange of fantasies, intentions, and boundaries. Absent such transparency, there are only unmanaged expectations that are infrequently realized. We are old(er). As such, we are content to move slowly and we would rather not waste time around unmanaged expectations. We prefer to spend more time with fewer couples towards more durable connections. Best to back out early when flags appear.
  7. Better to have swingers become friends than friends become swingers. As you observe, the relationship becomes complex as the new person tries to figure out their fantasies, intentions, and boundaries even while maintaining the vanilla aspect of the relationship.
  8. A bit of perspective. 1. Reflect on your wife and your relationship with her. Do you love her with all your heart and soul, and is your relationship "'til death do you part?" It seems like it is, you need to be sure in your own mind that it is. 2. Reflect on the rough patches in your relationship. Every relationship has had rough patches. What got you through them? In most cases, it is finding the courage to communicate even while feeling vulnerable. Has this been true for you? 3. If (1) and (2) are true, then perhaps the next step is to calmly let her know what you know, that you continue to love her and want to talk about how you feel. It's okay to fret about her lack of transparency, and it's also okay that to tell her that you are excited about ethical non-monogamy, however you define it. One more bit of perspective. Life's journey can be unpredictable, the destination is not. With every passing day it becomes more important to figure out what happiness means to you--individually and as a couple--and to find that happiness. No one benefits from anxiety and uncertainty--both make days less enjoyable and both likely shorten lives. Give yourself the gifts of vulnerability and transparency and honesty.
  9. Oldswinger and hunterdon are touching on our reality. As we age, our relationships with LS couples have also changed. No one wants to feel pressured, everyone wants to feel their own level of comfort, satisfaction, and pleasure. It’s no longer about “hooking up” but rather about being present/with. It’s not about soft swing or hard swing, but rather about enjoying the time with others on whatever level. It’s a different sort of chemistry, less of an ignition or explosion and much more of a slow burn.
  10. The photographer, Marilyn Minter, published a coffee-table book with an extended set of photos from the same sessions. See https://www.amazon.com/Marilyn-Minter-Elder-Sex/dp/2365680712 It played to generally favorable reviews, see for example https://www.cnn.com/style/article/marilyn-minter-artist-elder-sex/index.html Passion has no expiration date; the (unsettling) question is whether it has a "best by" date.
  11. A remark from a physician. Everyone ages. How they age, what issues arise, how those issues appear...all of that is different from one person to the next, and one couple to the next. It is the rule rather than the exception that libido, capability, stamina, soreness, dryness, responsiveness to medications, etc change as humans journey through the arcs of their lives. What matters is how the person(s) adapt as individuals and as a couple. Intimacy and passion do not have expiration dates, but physical capacities do have "best by" dates. That does not mean that sex cannot be enjoyed, but it does mean that it is likely going to feel different and be different. Of course you should seek medical advice. And even more important, you should have the kitchen table conversations (note the plural) about all aspects of aging and how you as a couple will handle those issues. From a general health standpoint, I often remark to my patients the following. Let's assume that you have the gift of continuing on life's journey together. Imagine four couples on the journey. Let's look at long-term care needs. One couple, neither will need long term care; two couples, one of the partners will need long term care; the last couple, both partners will need long term care. Do the math, and you'll realize that there is a 3/4 chance that at least one of the two of you will need long term care, a 50:50 chance that it will be *you*, and a 1/4 chance that it will be *both of you*. How will you handle each of those scenarios? It's a short step from there to asking, how are we going to handle decline in sexual interest/capacity? The breakdown is pretty much the same--there's a 50:50 chance that there will be an asymmetry.
  12. There's a spectrum. Looking at educational roles, there are some things that will get you prosecuted, like a relationship with a minor. If you are in a position of policy-making, like the chancellor-pornographer at the University of Wisconsin-LaCrosse, and you deliberately go public by posting your own videos on youtube, yes you are likely to get fired from that role. But at the other end of the spectrum, a couple that goes on a clothing-optional holiday on their own time are not going to get into trouble unless they bring a slide show of their trip back to school. It's not ethical violations but the so-called "moral turpitude" clauses in contracts that tend to be problematic. The working definition of moral turpitude: "an act or behavior that gravely violates the sentiment or accepted standard of the community." The sentiment or accepted standard of the community is likely to be different in (for example) San Francisco versus Peoria. What is a violation and what is a grave violation? Swingers tend to be rather more ethical than cheaters. Outward monogamy is a community standard, serial monogamy is accepted as a community standard, and affairs are the stuff of PTA gossip. As Jimmy Carter discovered, "lust in the heart" is not a community standard, no matter how ethical and transparent it happens to be, if one is a "public figure".
  13. Toys are enhancers. We usually have some out. Favorite? Hitachi Magic Wand Mini. Great for solo play and even better for partner play.
  14. Reflect for a moment on what you do when you sit down at a restaurant and look around at the other couples. We are never initially asking ourselves whether they cheat or they swing. Rather, we ask ourselves are they happy being with each other? Are they looking at each other, holding hands, engaged in conversation, interacting with the staff? Are they smiling? Now think on the lifestyle gatherings you have attended. Meet and greets. Cruises. Parties. Hotel takeovers. Think about those couples in LS and in vanilla settings. Same questions. Perhaps some are interested in whether you swing. But…your partner, your kids, your reports at work, your buddies at the club, the other parishioners at your house of worship…their primary interest is in whether you are happy and content with each other.
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