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bbarnsworth

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bbarnsworth last won the day on March 23

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About bbarnsworth

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    Lifestyle Mentor
  • Birthday 02/09/1967

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    Couple
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    South Central Indiana

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  1. Society strongly views cheating as a marriage breaker. If discovered, it's quite often the end of the marriage. Yet, ~50% of marriages in America have one or the other (or both!) partners cheating. No small wonder then that so many marriages end in divorce. So, if cheating is a possibility we get VERY worked up about it, looking for clues in the shadows, piecing together bits of disparate 'evidence', and concluding..."Yep, there's cheating going on, I'm just sure of it!" even though there's no smoking gun, per se. There's an old saying; in any sufficiently large scenario/organization, if you believe there's a conspiracy going on, dig hard enough and you will find evidence of it...even if it never existed. For this guy, there could be pieces of evidence that point to cheating going on, yet nothing actually going on. There's no way to be 100% certain without a smoking gun. The problem is the insecurity and jealousy will feed itself and generate problems alllll on its own even without there being cheating going on. If he confronts his wife without a smoking gun, she will be hurt...most especially if she isn't cheating. If he digs hard looking for evidence, she may start to suspect he suspects her of cheating, and if she isn't it too will cause damage to the relationship. There's no easy way through this, short of hiring ($$$) a very discreet private investigator to do the spying for you. Personally, I would not and could not accept a cheating partner. Trust is very, very important to me not from the stand point of my wife having sex with other men (obviously, since we're on this forum) but for the underpinnings of the relationship. It's a key component. I couldn't be in a marriage that didn't have that. I know from experience; I tried staying in a relationship where I cheated and my then long term girlfriend cheated (both roughly about the same time). We tried for ~2 years to make it work. Ultimately, it didn't...in large part because of the cheating, even though it never happened again. It's not the sex, it's the trust. Not all people are the same. Some people are fine not having trust as a pivotal underpinning of a relationship. If this guy is among those, that not knowing for certain about her cheating might be ideal...if he can let go of society's desperate need to act and act NOW to end the marriage because of infidelity. I'm reminded of someone who posted something here many years ago. He came home to his wife fucking a random guy in their bedroom. When he came in, he could hear them going at it. They had not detected his arrival at home. He had a choice; confront his wife and end things or join them. He chose the latter, and they stayed together. For some people that works. For me, it wouldn't, but for some it does. Thus, Numex, no I don't think your advice was bad advice. It offers another perspective, and one that probably up ended his thought process. For all we know he's now turned on by the thought of his wife cheating
  2. UncleOops; while cumming fast might be a concern, there's a 180 flip of this that could happen as well. Quite a few men report that their first encounter in swinging resulted in Mr. Happy having a difficult time rising to the occasion. There's a misconception about men that we're all walking hormones, and just the tiniest bit of stimulation (which could be the sexy woman next door bending over in her garden to pluck some weeds) will result in rock hard erections. It just isn't so. I was 41 on her first swinging encounter. I was in good shape, healthy, all good to go. No reason to believe I would have a problem with an erection. I'd never had a problem before. We played with another couple. The woman in question was rather sexy, and of a different body type than my wife which made it all the more exciting; something new! Mentally, I was really into it...like WOW this is awesome! My wife was making delightful sounds as the husband of the other couple was playing with her. Everything good to go, right? Nope. While I did get an erection, I had some difficulty with it. About a month later, we played with the same couple. Zero problems. There's just no way to know how you will react in your first encounter, much less how Mr. Happy will react. He's got a mind of his own and cares not for the thoughts of the brain upstairs. Go into your first encounter with no expectations other than having a good time for the evening. Whatever happens (or doesn't) is good. And don't drink
  3. Trying too hard to make it work is certainly a concern. Consider though; this isn't a romantic relationship per se, even though you might play with them for years. I mean, you might fall in love with them (you and your husband both). But, even with that it's not a standard relationship. You don't have to make everything work well. You don't have to agree on finances, who does what chores, who's doing the errand that needs to be done tonight, etc. One of the pleasures of this lifestyle is that you only have to figure out how to click sexually (if you play with them once or many times) and as friends (if you play with them many times). It's less complex :) Enjoy it for what it is, and don't stress too much about whether it's "perfect"; you'll never find that. It's a bit like an age old definition of a relationship; what their quirks are don't annoy you and vice versa. Everyone has quirks. Except in this case, the set of possible things that could be quirks that might annoy you are less because there are fewer things you have to worry about.
  4. (take with a grain of salt; guy speaking here) I don't think it should set of alarm bells. Everybody has a kink here or there. None of us are 'normal' (whatever the hell that means). If they're clean, I don't see the harm.
  5. What GoldCoCouple said * 1000. Even 10,000. Aww heck make it a million. I'm serious. Having totally open communication is key to successful swinging. It's something you do together. You can't do that without total communication. As GoldCoCouple said, it needs to be without judgement. Be supportive, allow her to explore her fantasies and perhaps help make them come to reality when she is ready. It doesn't sound at all like you are, but you can't talk her into it. You can open doors, let her know you are 100% onboard, but allow her to walk through that mental/emotional door.
  6. I don't have any suggestions other than getting a golf cart and pimping it out with loofahs, pineapples, flamingos, and every other swinger symbol, and drive around in it daily. Extra points if you add pink fringe to the roof.
  7. Aphroditee; would you mind showing us what studies you are referring to?
  8. Those early French explorers hadn't had sex in months probably. Desperate times call for desperate geographic place naming 😄😄
  9. Meh, definitions. Maybe it would make you a cuckold, maybe now. Who cares? :) The point is, are you and your wife both enjoying it? That's the only thing that matters. Maybe you would enjoy it. Only one way to find out ;) That said, I agree baby steps are in order. You noted earlier that the husband in the other couple is offering his wife to you...but his wife doesn't know? This seems highly contradictory. If she doesn't know a thing about any of this, then there are major red flags all over this. Either they are into it as a couple and are open with each other, or they shouldn't be a couple you play with, even if he's just playing for a notional MFM. I enjoy MFMs from time to time as the third, but it's always with full knowledge and consent of my wife.
  10. My wife takes no pleasure (or displeasure) from watching me having sex with other women. It just doesn't do anything for her. She's happy that I'm having a good time and enjoying playing with another woman, but outside of that it doesn't do anything for her. It's not porn for me to watch my wife enjoying sex with another man. The reaction I have to porn is completely different than the reaction I have to my wife wrapped up with another man. Ok yes, I've described it before as getting to watch the best porn movie ever, starring your wife. But, it really isn't.
  11. We didn't target finding a second masseur per se. We both understood that while swapping with couples was likely to happen, or real target early on was MFMs, which would naturally result in massage from myself and the other man at the same time. Over the years, we've had far more MFMs than couples. That's worked great for us; I "suffer" (hardly) from compersion, and absolutely love my wife having sex with other men.
  12. Two men, yes. :) The first dip into the pool took us past that step, yes. Our very first venture was just meeting another couple in the lifestyle. Nothing happened, it was just a conversation as we had lots of questions and they were happy to talk. The second dip was to a swingers club.
  13. Not at all. My wife had made it very clear well before we were married that she had absolutely zero interest in swinging or polyamory in any shape or form. She wasn't angry with me that I had dipped my toes into this. She just didn't want to do it herself. She felt it was wrong, and even though I pointed out that the couple's vows had changed, she still felt it was wrong. I didn't pursue it. At all. I was quite happy being monogamous with her. The thought of participating in non-monogamy again hadn't crossed my mind. So, seven years into being married one night she mentions that it would be fun to have two men massaging her at once. She looooves massage! This started a discussion that lasted many months. After eight months, we finally dipped our toes in the pool. For me, it wasn't that I wanted her to have the same experience. It was that this was a wonderful adventure we were embarking upon together. It's been a great ride!
  14. I'm frankly astonished that he would pretty much ignore you for an hour after she left. That's mind boggling to me. But, I don't know much about the situation or circumstance. What is clear to me is that communication HAS to improve. Further, if he can't respect your boundaries, then there shouldn't be any risking of those boundaries; i.e. stop swinging until he's capable of remembering. Maybe that's never. I don't know.
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