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beckysue30

Need advice from all people in swinger community about Porn

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My boyfriend and I swing sometimes (i did this in a previous relationship and brought him into this while we were dating). Anyway I wanted to see your take on the amount of porn you guys watch.

 

I ask because I think my boyfriend has a Porn problem. I get it is maybe weird for me to say this on here since him and I are very sexually open, however I'm starting to think that this is a problem. He has an issue of staying hard for very long and the more I research this the more I'm convinced it is due to porn. He has gone to the doctor about this years ago (he's had this issue since he was in college apparently) and the doc said there is nothing wrong with him.

 

When I bring up the amount of porn he watches or the amount he masturbates (we don't live together so when I'm not there he is at it)...he just says well we are very sexual people and that I knew that when I got together with him.

 

So is this something normal of a very sexual person in the Swinger community? Do you guys watch a lot of porn? I'm just trying to gage if this is something common or if it really is an issue.

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I don't know if we'll be able to help shed light on this, but we can try.

 

How much is "A lot of porn"? Is it all he does all day?

How old is he?

When you say he has an issue of staying hard for very long, do you mean he can't keep an erection, or can't get rid of an erection?

 

To answer your question, I don't watch much porn at all. I find it a bit boring. But, my age and life experiences are probably completely different than his, so it is probably not a fair comparison.

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I don't think it is an all day thing, but I really think this is what is causing his ED issue is "over-stimulation" from the porn. He also always insists on performing sex acts that are pornlike...which I didn't mind at first it is fun, however it is now dawned on me that this is a problem.

 

He is 32 and he can't keep an erection.

 

If I even attempt to bring this up he says its normal for super sexual people to watch Porn and then says we are super sexual and swingers. I have no idea how much Porn other swingers consume...

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I think another visit to another doctor would be a good idea, since it has been a long time since it was discussed with the previous doctor. I think it's always best to try to clearly rule out a physical reason for the ED issue.

 

I suppose excessive porn watching could cause this issue, but I hesitate to jump straight to that conclusion. The penis is an odd instrument, and there's no end to the reasons it can decide not to cooperate when you want to have sex.

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Different kinds of sex activities can become compulsive for different people. It's harmful when it begins to affect work or relationships. A man who brings himself to orgasm multiple times will loose his ability to gain an erection. There is also a possibility that he is losing his ability to react to three dimensional females by interacting too much with two-dimensional females. I suspect you have a legitimate concern.

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We rarely watch porn together and my SO says he might watch without me once a month. Just giving you a baseline...

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He is 32 and he can't keep an erection.

 

Something's up?!?!? I would question if porn is the issue or something else? He's not fulfilled somewhere in the relationship and you don't seem to be either. Maybe that's what you should be working on.

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Something's up?!?!? I would question if porn is the issue or something else? He's not fulfilled somewhere in the relationship and you don't seem to be either. Maybe that's what you should be working on.

 

I mean he has been this way since he was 18 he said.... so its definitely not me as we have all kinds of different sex and I do whatever I can to please him and at this point it's starting to get to me. I don't want my man masturbating watching porn so much and he thinks that is totally normal for someone that is super sexual/a swinger

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Kinda a 2 parter question.

 

When you told him that you were in the lifestyle in your old relationship, how did he react to it. And were you honest to him about what you done like 3some ( ffm, fmm) groups , gangbang assuming you did that.

 

Do you think he might just be intimidated and just trying to find ways to keep a hard on without cheating on you and to him porn is like a training tool.

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Kinda a 2 parter question.

 

When you told him that you were in the lifestyle in your old relationship, how did he react to it. And were you honest to him about what you done like 3some ( ffm, fmm) groups , gangbang assuming you did that.

 

Do you think he might just be intimidated and just trying to find ways to keep a hard on without cheating on you and to him porn is like a training tool.

 

Nope this doesn't really have anything to do with the lifestyle at all for him. Hes been into porn forever before me. I guess what I'm asking is if swingers seem to watch more porn than vanilla people or if this would still be considered a porn addiction issue int he community. I want to know before I bring this up to him because his response is always well I'm super sexual blah blah blah and swing and blah blah blah. You would think you would need to watch LESS porn if you keep saying you are super sexual...

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Something's up?!?!? I would question if porn is the issue or something else? He's not fulfilled somewhere in the relationship and you don't seem to be either. Maybe that's what you should be working on.

 

The thing is I've asked multiple times. he only does this when we are not together (as in not getting sex that day) so I feel like maybe if we lived together it would be different. However I really worry because Porn has definitely warped his reality of sex. There are some things he thinks are hot that are just not realistic in real life.

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To put it in other words: what would it help you two if we say his level of porn watching is what we as board members see as healthy?

 

I agree with this. Honestly my wife and I rarely watch it as we live it, does that make sense? We spend our extra time fucking each other, rather than watching others. Everything in life has a balance, I believe different people have different places where the balance occurs. I think you should address the issue of your personal fulfillment in relationship. Honestly I am not sure how you would do that?

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It may not be that there is any physically wrong with him but the porn may desensitize him to regular sex and his mind does not find the latter to excite him sexually. The porn doesn't have to be extreme but when I read that he likes to perform like in porn movies, it strikes me that he may not find real sex stimulating enough to keep erection. Just a thought.

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Just to answer your question - among the five of us in our poly family (two guys, three girls), we all only watch porn when we are alone, like traveling. As far as I know, the porn we all have are a few favorite pictures we have found here or there, and some of ourselves (I like looking at Lora and hubby together) without faces in case they get stolen. Other than that, we make our own excitement.

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I think hubby probably has me watch more porn than he watches. If we're planning a play night, he'll suggest that I watch some before we get ready; it tends to raise my sexual appetite for the evening.

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First, welcome to the site, beckysue30.

 

Second, no, we hardly watch porn at all. There's a lot of reasons for this. Not a lot of time, we spend what time we do have having sex with each other or to hobbies (such as swinging, which is sex with others), and the fakeness of porn. And as kikonkrome noted, why watch it when we live it?

 

As for watching it because he's "super sexual", that's bullshit in my opinion. He has a girlfriend--you. Why not have sex more often instead of relying on porn? Are you two in a long distance relationship?

 

As for maintaining an erection, I wish you would come back and answer two4you's questions:

 

How much is "A lot of porn"? Is it all he does all day?

When you say he has an issue of staying hard for very long, do you mean he can't keep an erection after having sex for 10/20/30/? minutes?

 

If you look around the site, sometimes there will be men asking what they can do to help maintain an erection when they go out swinging without the use of drugs. Do you know what the number one answer is? Abstain from sex and masturbation for a day or two prior to going out to swing. MrDiscover suggested this and I think your boyfriend should abstain from porn and masturbation for a few weeks but still have sex with you during those times. If he is able to maintain an erection throughout your sex sessions, then I think you have your answer.

 

If he still has an issue, it could be a psychological thing, which is what asncpl and this article talks about. It could be a case where his mind is now conditioned into associating the "porn standard" as being the only thing that arouses him. That type of conditioning occurs when you overdo it on porn and masturbating from it. His brain could be telling him, "This doesn't look like the porn I'm used to seeing, it's not attractive to me unless it is," and then his penis loses its erection.

 

I'm sure porn can be done in moderation but when one is bored, lonely, or doesn't have an outlet for their sexual needs, it can be abused and I do believe that people can become addicted to it (after all, if you look, become aroused, and masturbate, your body and brain get a positive feeling from it and will continue to seek out that same feeling over and over again). The question you should be asking isn't if this is normal but if this behavior is negatively affecting the relationship you have with your boyfriend and it certainly sounds like it is. If he isn't willing to listen to your concerns or want to work to make the relationship healthier, then you two need to sit and talk about the priority each of you place the relationship.

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Some things to think about.

What type of porn does he watch? There are many varieties, which one does he watch most.

Watching porn can go stale after a while. What does he watch for a Kick.

Does he lose sensitivity when having intercourse.

Does he read any XXX stories.

 

Lastly what kind of shape is he in. Does he smoke anything.

 

During sex are you concentrating on him or you? Do you talk to him at all during sex. Do you tease his mind? What are your expectations when having sex, does he meet them or not.

 

The " Porn addiction " has been touted by many as a problem. Depending on who you read it is or is not a problem. I lean more to the point that it is not the problem.

 

The bigger problem is lack of connection between people, which is a sign that maybe more communication is needed. Maybe it is time to go deeper if you both are willing.

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Welcome from Oklahoma, Becky Sue! We're glad to have your company!

 

If I missed this anywhere above, I apologize, but I'm wondering if your man has an orgasm before he loses his erection, or does he just go soft?

 

In my personal experience, when I had trouble "keeping it up" it was because I really didn't want to be doing whatever was happening. I never had a problem with the late Mrs. Alura because I was never in a hurry for it to end. When I felt Mrs. Playmate didn't really want to be doing this, I lost it every time.

 

This is probably no help at all. I do wish you the best!

 

Stay with us!

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