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Guest Cubemex

First MFM--mixed review

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Guest Cubemex

My wife and I just had our first MFM experience after years of talking about it and it was a mixed experience. We first met him at a swingers club where we had pre-arranged that the two of them would get to know each other by flirting, making out, etc. In my mind this was just a transitional location and the real goal was to get to the hotel once my wife was in the mood.

 

It turned out that the guy ended up kissing and fondling my wife over 12 times in 2 hours. At first it was okay but after about 3-4 times I felt that all of the lovey dovey stuff was overkill. However, my wife and I had not set any rules and I did not know how to break it off and go to the hotel so I let it continue for a couple of hours. The last hour or so was excruciating for me because I had not expected so much intimacy between the two of them--or at least it looked intimate.

 

We did finally leave and got to the hotel where for some magical reason my discomfort and jealousy disappeared even though they were still kissing and now nearly naked. I should mention that at this point I was filming the encounter and the plan was that I would let them play first for a while and I would join in later.

 

After a few minutes my wife got on top of him and began dry-humping him (still with panties). Lo and behold after 90 seconds or so of the humping he had a premature ejaculation. He immediately stated he could go again but after a few minutes of trying it was clear that it was not going to happen so we called it a night.

 

My wife afterwards said that the part she enjoyed the most was the making out in the club because he was a good kisser. Unfortunately for me that was the worst part of the evening and so I did not have the same feeling. Flash forward to a few days later and we are making love when I notice that her kissing style felt different. I asked her about it and it turns out that she had picked it up from the guy. I did not take the news too well and we began an argument/discussion about the kissing.

 

My question to everyone with experience is how often do you or your spouse incorporate a sexual styles, move or position in your own lovemaking which you initially learned from a swing partner. As a followup has anyone else ever experienced any jealousy when your partner begins kissing you in a different way than you are used to and you find out they picked up the technique from a lover. I don't know if I am being overly sensitive or if this is normal. Thanks for all replies.

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To answer your questions, yes I believe my wife and I have picked up some tips and tricks from our partners. We haven't experienced jealousy as a result, but that doesn't mean that you are being oversensitive. Your feelings are what you feel, and so they are valid. What is important is figuring out why you feel this way and learning to deal with it.

 

So the question is: why does this bother you? I would hazard a guess: the perceived intimacy of the kissing, the fact that he was a "good kisser" and the fact that she picked up something from it all conspires to suggest that he was somehow "better" than you. Difficult as it certainly is, I would urge you to put that thought out of your mind entirely. He wasn't better. He was different. Part of the point of this endeavor is to experience something different.

 

Now, that said, that still doesn't mean what you are feeling is "wrong." As I said, it is what you feel. I've heard of, and even played with, couples who have a strict "no kissing" rule. Maybe you need one, at least until you feel more comfortable.

 

Finally, I would urge you to talk to your wife and tell her what you are feeling. Talk, not argue. Confrontation is the enemy of good communication and good communication is vital to success in this endeavor.

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To me, this wasn't really an MFM but rather you watching your wife and another guy. If you decide to try again, perhaps you would get involved from the get go, be a part of that early kissing and petting, that's good MFM activity as well. This was our approach. Hubby didn't do a sit back and watch. or the two of you get started and I'll join in approach until after we had experienced several MFM's and then only when it was the 2nd time with the same guy.

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Yea, for the first time, maybe should skip the swing club in favor of a bar, where pda is less likely to get out of control. Definitely get the show started and don't step away to watch. Enjoy her body, watch how she reacts, enjoy seeing her pleasure and try not to think about the possibility of her leaving with this guy and dumping you. That won't happen.

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One thing to add is that we have a 'deadmans' switch. If either of us have a problem with what is going on, we can say a phrase (in our case it's how we forgot to take care of something at home...we live in the country so we say we didn't lock up the animals before leaving and at night there are predators) and that ends things for that evening. It doesn't necessarily end things, just ends them for the evening.

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I think it's unavoidable to pickup a new style or way of doing familiar things, esp if you liked them. I think many people are always in a learning mode (at least I am, haha). If she picks up something that I end up liking I'm all for it.

 

And I agree with chiccouplexx - it did seems based on how you felt that you were observing someone else's relationship and being your wife I'm sure it wasn't easy. I, too, have had my issues early on with the intimacy. Not the sex, but the intimacy. I wasn't really ready for it and it felt like I was being excluded and that's not what I signed up for.

 

What helped me and hopefully will help you as well is communicating to her how you felt. Maybe also, like others mentioned, give each other some time away from swinging until you process everything. I've realized long ago that swinging cannot damage healthy relationship. But it may highlight any insecurities of the participants or weak areas in the relationship and I think it's important to pay attention to how you feel and also how she feels.

 

I also second the suggestion about making sure you're participating and not just observing. At least for me, It's fun to watch her rock his world. I've said on occasion, f*** yeah, that's MY Vixen. Isn't she the best? but I can do that comfortably only with partners we've already been with. I'm almost always in the trenches when it's the first time with someone.

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Ive realized long ago that swinging cannot damage healthy relationship. But it may highlight any insecurities of the participants or weak areas in the relationship and I think it's important to pay attention to how you feel and also how she feels.

 

Very well said Blitzen I totally agree.

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Guest Cubemex

I wanted to thank everyone for the replies. One of the difficult things about entering the lifestyle is that if you encounter certain issues there is no one to bounce things off other than your significant other and that can sometimes lead to emotions clouding the conversation. This board definitely helps.

 

Lionheart thanks for the advice. It is true that those doubts did enter my head but after talking to her she has put those doubts aside. You are also right that it was a matter of perceived intimacy only because she made it clear that the kissing was not intimate--she just enjoyed it because he was different but not "better."

 

Cplnuswing, you are right that it seemed like a wreck that I foresaw and could not prevent. The frustrating thing was that I could have prevented it if I had just communicated a little better with her that night. We have now agreed to take a timeout in the future if either of us feels something unusual so we can talk about it, even if the timing is awkward. My problem that night was that I thought that she was enjoying the moment so much that I would ruin the rest of the night.

 

Chiccouplexx you are right that as it turned out it was not an MFM. We did intend it to be but we never got that point because of his early ejaculation. However, I do believe that we will not do the watching thing for a while and that I need to be a part of the action from the beginning. I believe we fell into this trap because of certain things the guy told us before we met and we were too accommodating.

 

Blitzen, I am glad to know that I am not the only one who has a problem with the intimacy ( even if it is just in my mind) and not the sex. I did feel excluded like you mentioned and not at all what I expected.

 

Thanks to all the rest of you also. The bottom line is we have spoken a lot and I feel that the talking has helped a lot. The question now will be when if ever we try something again. I believe we both enjoyed it to a certain extent. The real problem was who we picked, the boundaries, and the lack of communication on that night.

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