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Enigma346

Confused about the role of cuddling

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Ok, my wife and I just had another encounter over the weekend. This time it was not a couple but a single male. So it was a MFM thing. The problem arose the following day when she said she liked cuddling/snuggling afterwards. I understand how the snuggling or cuddling makes her feel but I feel that part is kind of intimate to me and should be done with me only. The group/third person thing should be for the sex only and that is it. I am not in it for the feelings or anything else. I love the sex part of it and she does too. When I told her about my not caring for her doing a cuddling thing or snuggling thing afterwards (It is fine if she does it with me, not someone else) she kinda got mad because she kept saying I didn't understand what it means to her. I told her it was simple, I do not like it, it should not happen. The only person she can cuddle with or anything to that extent is me. Am I wrong for seeing it in the light that I do? Am I wrong for being upset that she wants or thinks she needs it afterwards? As I said, cuddling and snuggling is a feeling thing for me. It is done by people that have feelings for each other. And if it comes to having feelings for the people with are being "with" then it will not happen with them again. Break the cycle and just be friends or nothing at all. What do you think?

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No, you're not wrong. Everyone has their own personal boundaries, and those should be respected. When we first started, we had all kinds of rules such as no separate rooms and even no kissing. Most of those went out the window the first time we swapped, but the one rule we still stick to is no solo play. We can be in separate rooms, actually we usually prefer that, but we BOTH participate. No dates, etc. Personally, I LOVE the cuddling afterwards. To me, is as much of an extension of play as kissing. But, the bottom line is that in the lifestyle you only do what you both want. If you're not comfortable with it, then you both don't do it.

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Thank you so much for the reply. I really appreciate the advice and suggestion. Also knowing that I am not in the wrong makes me feel a lot better . Thank you

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So it was a MFM thing. The problem arose the following day when she said she liked cuddling/snuggling afterwards. I understand how the snuggling or cuddling makes her feel but I feel that part is kind of intimate to me and should be done with me only. The group/third person thing should be for the sex only and that is it. I am not in it for the feelings or anything else. I love the sex part of it and she does too. When I told her about my not caring for her doing a cuddling thing or snuggling thing afterwards (It is fine if she does it with me, not someone else) she kinda got mad because she kept saying I didn't understand what it means to her. I told her it was simple, I do not like it, it should not happen. The only person she can cuddle with or anything to that extent is me. Am I wrong for seeing it in the light that I do? Am I wrong for being upset that she wants or thinks she needs it afterwards?

 

Are you wrong? No, not really. But...in making this something your wife needs to fix for you by changing her behavior, you are robbing yourself of the opportunity to explore your own insecurities and work through them. I'm never a fan of that. Aside from the control you need to exert when you take the tack of eliminating the challenging behavior, it also is a little disrespectful to your wife in that you privilege your fears above her needs and the importance she places on cuddling.

 

I also am a cuddler and it has nothing to do with feelings, but it is important for me. My response to a similar demand from Mr. Doe would be to insist on a break in swinging until he worked it out with or without the help of a therapist.

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You response has given me some things to think seriously about. I will keep checking back here and keep taking advice along with telling about how I am trying to overcome certain situations .

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You should do whatever makes you both comfortable. In our case cuddling is part of sex. When we have a MFM, we will all fuck like crazy and when we are all spent, we all three will lay there on the bed. I will cuddle with mr OCC and then cuddle with the other guy. It doesn't take a real long time before the cuddling will start getting them hard again. And then it is off to the races. When we really are all too tired to fuck anymore, I will still cuddle with the guys. It's just a part of what works for us. But every couple is different. Every person is different. That seems to be the hard thing in this lifestyle. What's right for one person isn't always right for the other one and that can create trouble as a couple.

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I agree with most here, no you are not in the wrong here. Maybe if you would have expressed that you felt this was "special" for you and her, would help. That's what I did. I was firm and told her before we started, under no circumstances was he to sleep over or cuddle, if he was ready to go to sleep, it was time for him to leave.

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Do keep in mind that if you take away that aspect of her pleasure that you may take away her desire to continue this adventure with you. Maybe if you two talk more that you will begin to understand why she wants this and why it's not a threat to you at all.

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When it comes to sex and intimacy, there are always going to be some things that are just visceral and emotional, that your rational brain can get past but some part of you can't. She needs to be willing to avoid things that bother you and vice-versa. And both of you should be willing to constantly reevaluate your boundaries and feelings so that you can both enjoy yourselves.

 

It doesn't mean you have to give in on this issue, but it does mean that you need to communicate about it.

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Your feelings are not wrong as they are your feelings but not everyone will share them.

 

I enjoy being held, kissed and caressed by a partner after sex. It's sensual, it's erotic and it's a slow come down from the more intense stuff. None of that is the kind of connection or love I have with my husband.

 

 

The Rose

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Your feelings are not wrong.... but neither are hers. My initial reaction to your post was that I feel the same way you do. Reading through the other responses, I had to think about it and what it might feel like to be on your wife's side of this story... or to be in a situation where my partner didn't feel the same way about cuddling. Doing that I had to think that it's something you do need to talk through more. Leaving it at simple "you can't do that, it makes me uncomfortable" but not honoring her side of the "I feel like I need this" and exploring why she feels the way she feels (and giving her the opportunity to really understand why you feel the way you do) robs you both of a really great opportunity to communicate and learn more about each other. Not saying the rule has to change, but the more you talk about it the more likely you'll be able to come to a mutual agreement rather than a rule set by one.

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You have a right to your feelings, but I don't think it's right to just tell your wife she can't cuddle with other people after she's had sex with them. I think it would be much healthier for everyone to work on why you feel this way and how you can get comfortable with something that is important to her.

 

I do often cuddle with swing partners after and enjoy relaxing that way. We've just exchanged a ton of energy and intimacy through sex, why not recharge a little together? It's no threat to my husband or their spouse.

 

I'd read the article with your wife and keep talking. Thanks for sharing your experience, this is a great topic!!

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My question is what does it mean to her? What does it mean to you? Also, what could it mean to the third party?

 

We make every effort to be open and let the other explore their needs and desires, but we also try to balance that with respect for each other. If something really bothers one of us, we discuss it, if we cannot come to a point we are both comfortable with we refrain from that activity, but continue to work on understanding by communicating. We also avoid things that may become too much of an emotional entanglement as well.

 

If you feel it is an emotional thing and she doesn't then maybe you two can work on ways for you to be more comfortable. If you both feel it is an emotional thing then that is a different matter. For us, and this certainly is not universal, the emotional attachment is not part of swinging, we have each other for that. We really don't have much of an issue in our case, because we are both eager to avoid that problem.

 

If she does see it as emotional then perhaps you work on being there for her when she wants/needs that connection.

 

But even if you both agree that it has nothing to do with emotional connection, you still need to be very aware of what it COULD mean to the third person. They may very well see it as an emotional connection and be more than willing to cultivate that bond to satisfy their own needs beyond sex. That could become a very sticky problem indeed.

 

You initial post leaves us making a good many assumptions, perhaps you could fill in some details and we could provide better advice.

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I agree with you. The intimate stuff should be something special for just the two of you. I felt really uncomfortable when a playmate began kissing my wife and she responded in the same way as if she were kissing me. It was hard to watch. It was odd because I just watched him fucking her and didn't mind but it bothered me to watch them kiss.

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You have a right to your feelings, but I don't think it's right to just tell your wife she can't cuddle with other people after she's had sex with them. I think it would be much healthier for everyone to work on why you feel this way and how you can get comfortable with something that is important to her.

 

I agree that it's better to identify and hopefully address the underlying issues. I also believe that as 1/2 of the couple, you have the right to put the brakes on. There may be alternatives that you two can try while you work through this.

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Emotional is a big word that encompasses a huge range. I think each of us means different things when we use the word emotional. I could not have sex with anyone I did not feel positive emotions toward. The emotional feelings I have toward my wife are very much more intimate than any I could have toward those we explore sexually with. My emotional feelings toward my wife are not going to be threatened by emotional feelings I have toward either non-sexual or very sexual friends.

 

But sexual exploring would be no different from paying for sex if there were no emotional feelings toward the person I was having sex with. Sex for me is emotional, is intimate, is sharing, is human. To divorce myself emotionally from a sex partner seems to me the very act of objectifying another human being.

 

The intimacy of those emotions is what sets them apart, not whether I feel emotions or not. The intimacy I feel with and for my wife is not threatened, diminished or approached in any way by the intimacy I share with a sexual partner. Without some level of intimacy with each sexual partner, sex is but fucking and that does not reach the level of pleasure I want to share. I'd rather masturbate than have emotionless sex.

 

For my wife and I sharing and exploring sexually is about sharing and exploring intimacy at some level. It's not the level or quality we share together, but it can and does add to that level between us.

 

We have shared with a number of single men but have not experienced any serious problem with men becoming too clingy. Men treating it as just a fuck has been much more a problem.

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We're in the EXACT same situation! My wife LOVES cuddling with anybody anytime all the time. For me it's a way more intimate, special, emotional, loving thing for us. Sometimes I'm ok with a little cuddling with the other couple, but only if the wife I'm with is into it with me as much as my wife is with him.

 

Sure, you and I both probably have things we can work on, work out, etc. BUT in the interim I don't think it's wrong at all for our wives to respect that we're at where we are, and until things change with how we feel (and they may or may not), then they should respect that it makes us uncomfortable and skip it. .

 

For example, if my wife said she was uncomfortable with my kissing up another girl's neck and giving her chills... which she felt was a special thing she only wanted me to do with her, then I wouldn't do it any more. Simple.

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