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Cdnsexytech

Reoccurring issue for me (F)...

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Hi all ;)

 

Hubby and I have been together for 13 years. We've been blissfully married for 10. We've had our ups And downs and almost split up a few times, but I can honestly say we have NEVER been happier than we are now.

 

We have been involved in the lifestyle for a little over 11 years, with a few breaks in amongst there for good measure, having kids, etc. we are currently members of a close knit, growing local swingers group that has regular parties once a month. We manage some smaller more intimate encounters in between if babysitters are available :) we play together, we swap in separate rooms, I am bisexual (very!) and he is straight.

 

Ok NOW that you have the background info, let me explain what the issue is.

 

We have had bad experiences, learning curves along the way like everyone does. Rules change over time. Etc.

 

I completely trust my husband. He completely trusts me. We have amazing communication and transparency.

 

Every time we go to a party, I have the same issue arise. The issue is, that I don't enjoy him being with other women, watching them hang off him, moan out when he is with them, desiring him.

 

I cannot for the life of me figure out how to get past this.

 

He is VERY much into me being with other men. Has always been turned on at the idea of other cocks being in me before him. The "hotwife" lifestyle is one that he adores.

 

When it comes to him being with other women, my head knows that he isn't interested in them. He doesn't do anything but fuck a hole (sorry to be brash but its true lol). He also tells me that he loves getting them off, but not for THEM, but for his own selfish reasons... Because its an ego boost - it's about HIM. And when he's with me, it's all about my enjoyment... Even in regards to me - if I'm getting off with someone else, he's incredibly aroused.

 

So what the hell is my problem? And how do I overcome this? It has become an annoyance for me... As our last party I watched him with another woman, and said to her "he's pretty fabulous, huh?" And she replied with "OH OH, he's f'ing awesome!!!!" At which point she came lol. I didn't mind that. But OUT of that aroused state, my mind races and leaves me feeling like a complete hypocrit.

 

I DO NOT ask him not to play, we enjoy this lifestyle together. But I need to find a way to process this stuff better.

 

Any advice would be great :)

 

Xoxo

 

Cdnsexytech Lady :)

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I think many spouses of both gender have this feeling. It's a part of our culture.

 

There is one fabulous difference between his making love to you and fucking another woman. He loves you; not her. She can never experience him "making love" to her.

 

After swapping, Mrs. Alura and I always made love. Perhaps if was a way of reclaiming each other or simply to experience the joy of love and thus filling the void left by fucking people one doesn't love.

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Cdnsexy, I think this is something you have to resolve for yourself in your head. I don't know how often or how much of the forum you read but I would suggest reading how others feel when they see their spouse playing and why they feel that way. However, I do want to ask to clarify your post...when you say that you don't enjoy, is it that you don't find it arousing? Do you mean you feel jealous? Do you feel neutral? Is it a complete turn-off? Maybe you can elaborate and others might be able to help.

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I think you have everything you need to work though this but it's going to take time. You seem to have a very wise insight into the problem and you are able to logically walk through everything but unfortunately, emotions often defy logic and are messy.

 

I think you are processing it fine but you will need to figure out if this is something you can live with long term or not because your feelings may never change. It's not good or bad, it's just who you are and there is nothing wrong with that. It's perfectly fine to not be comfortable with swinging or maybe the frequency of which you are swinging. You love your husband and inside, you don't really enjoy sharing him but you do because you love him and you know it's just sex and you put his happiness in high priority to your own. That's what love is about but it's also about compromise when you both aren't on the same page.

 

What does he think about this? Have you discussed this with him?

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One of the hardest thing to learn in life is to be truly happy for other people's success and happiness. Knowing it makes him happy, and not feeling jealous can be quite liberating.

 

When we started swinging this was a sticking point for me too, and I had a couple of hard weeks working out my emotions but it was totally worth it. Yes every woman I have been with who is not my wife has been a "fuck hole" but I also wanted those fuck holes to be happy, and have a good time. The negative aspect you are putting on those women with your husband sounds like him trying to make you feel better about the whole thing. I think fondly of most of my swing partners over the years, and yes it's great for my ego too but I thank them for it.

 

You simply have the case of the green eyed monster. I beat mine and could t be happier, I hope you can beat yours too.

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To alura: thank you for your response. I know very logically that the sex him and I share doesn't even begin to compare to the fucking either one of us do with other people. I am not without this information :) the problem for me is in trying to figure out how to keep myself from feeling uncomfortable, jealous, insecure, whatever it is that I feel -- I am not even sure what it is!!

 

To sunbuckus: thanks for your response. To clarify for you, it all depends. If we are just with another couple, the four of us are typically tangled up. Not to say everyone is playing with each other. But we're close to each other and switch between our own partners and the other (and us women play!!) in this situation. I find myself aroused, and often tell him how to fuck her, or push him into her :)

 

At parties I struggle more. We are "apart" a lot more at parties. Separate room play, socializing/flirting to build things up, etc. we have already worked through a couple of issues regarding this -- him playing with one woman for too long, and him "making out" and giggling in the hot tub with one woman. Both of these situations made me uncomfortable....

We have also discussed the fact that neither one of us wants to be "that couple" that hangs off each other all night and make ourselves totally unapproachable. But sometimes I wonder if we've gone too far the other way.

 

Also, it's usually *after* that these feelings come up for me, when I have time to think about it, and when my "sexual armor" (as hubby and I like to call it lol) is not on.

 

To digginit: hubby and I have talked about this extensively. He ALWAYS asks if he's doing something wrong to make me feel this way. But I really do think its in my head.

 

Thanks all.

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To alura: thank you for your response. I know very logically that the sex him and I share doesn't even begin to compare to the fucking either one of us do with other people. I am not without this information :) the problem for me is in trying to figure out how to keep myself from feeling uncomfortable, jealous, insecure, whatever it is that I feel -- I am not even sure what it is!!by and I have talked about this extensively. He ALWAYS asks if he's doing something wrong to make me feel this way. But I really do think its in my head.

 

My pleasure, Cdnsexytech Lady! I'm just a hick Okie, and I make no claim to knowing the inner workings of the female mind, but I do agree that it's in your head, and has nothing to do with your husband. My guess though, is that as soon as you emotionally accept the difference between "making love" and "fun fucking" this will be a problem of the past. I believe you are on your way.

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...the problem for me is in trying to figure out how to keep myself from feeling uncomfortable, jealous, insecure, whatever it is that I feel -- I am not even sure what it is!!

 

Do you think it's possible that the issues that may have caused you two to almost break up a few times in the past are still in the back of your mind causing discomfort/unease/uncertainty?

 

At parties I struggle more. We are "apart" a lot more at parties. Separate room play, socializing/flirting to build things up, etc. we have already worked through a couple of issues regarding this -- him playing with one woman for too long, and him "making out" and giggling in the hot tub with one woman. Both of these situations made me uncomfortable....

We have also discussed the fact that neither one of us wants to be "that couple" that hangs off each other all night and make ourselves totally unapproachable. But sometimes I wonder if we've gone too far the other way.

 

There's nothing wrong with implementing old rules if someone is uncomfortable. Perhaps you two might be better playing together all the time and not separately until you two work out what is really the issue.

 

I'm curious, do you both get the same amount of attention from other people when you two go out or do one of you garner more than the other?

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We are "apart" a lot more at parties. Separate room play, socializing/flirting to build things up, etc.

 

We have also discussed the fact that neither one of us wants to be "that couple" that hangs off each other all night and make ourselves totally unapproachable. But sometimes I wonder if we've gone too far the other way.

 

So this really stuck out to me, especially the part about ""that couple" that hangs off each other." (and yes, I think you two have went too far the other way) We look for those couples because that sends us a signal...that they love each other. Not that being apart means you don't love each other but its the primary characteristic we look for when meeting a couple we may play with. Most of the people we know, almost 90% of them, don't play alone and fit into that category. Honestly, I would feel pretty much like you do if we split apart because I'm there to have a good time WITH my wife. The moment we split, it becomes more about us as individuals then an experience for us together.

 

Also, we find it extremely rare the places we go where there is a couple that will play separately. I'm not sure what the aversion is. I'm not for or against it and understand this is just my opinion but Mrs. Diggs and I are there together. Would the two of you go to a regular club and split to do your own things? We hang off of each other because we really enjoy each others company far beyond the company we will enjoy with others. We are not there to find someone to spend the entire evening with because I found that person I wanted to do that with 16 years ago. We could leave the club at any second, perfectly happy if we met anyone or not and go home and fuck each others brains out.

 

I know this is coming off a little defensive but maybe, just maybe, there lies the problem. You say you don't want to be that couple but I don't think it's the sex that bothers you, its the personal attention. A little cuddling after sex is one thing but an entire evening away from you sounds like it's leaving you a little attention deprived and that may be the heart of the issue. Nobody that you meet up with that night is going to fill that void because you love your husband.

 

I could easily be like your husband. I think most guys could because we are attention hounds and love the flattery of someone being "in" to us but I know Mrs. Diggs, she doesn't have a jealous bone in her body but I would bet my bottom dollar, if we had a night like yours, she would fire my ass up as soon as we got home because we treat our nights at the club like a date, just a date where we do everything together up until meeting another couple for sex :lol:

 

Again, I'm not for or against what you two are doing but just pointing out why it wouldn't work for us and I'm pretty sure it's the same for many of our friends.

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So this really stuck out to me, especially the part about ""that couple" that hangs off each other." (and yes, I think you two have went too far the other way) We look for those couples because that sends us a signal...that they love each other. Not that being apart means you don't love each other but its the primary characteristic we look for when meeting a couple we may play with. Most of the people we know, almost 90% of them, don't play alone and fit into that category. Honestly, I would feel pretty much like you do if we split apart because I'm there to have a good time WITH my wife. The moment we split, it becomes more about us as individuals then an experience for us together.

 

It's so interesting that you elaborated on this part. When we went to our first party, another male (I don't know if he was single or not) came up to us and noted that he loved how we were "that couple". We probably did hang off each other because we were nervous and clutching to each other in a sea of strange swingers! ;) This male told us that he doesn't really see a lot of couples do that (love on each other) and pointed out that no one else at the party does that with their spouse. He found it refreshing. At the time, I thought maybe he was just making small talk and was hoping to get us interested enough to play with him and I've pretty much forgotten about that moment until your post. I can see and understand both sides on being "that couple" especially since we sometimes are "that couple". We're there together to have fun and have a shared experience. I wouldn't mind if Mr. Sun went off and had a little bit of his own fun without me because I know he would probably enjoy it. But yes, playing separately does seem to cross the line of fun for the couple and fun on an individual level. And, yes, usually if we see a couple that are preoccupied with each other, we don't want to interrupt. However, given the choice of knowing whether a couple was willing to outwardly show their affection toward their spouse and a couple that seemed detached from each other, we would gravitate to the couple that is more affectionate. We've played with a couple and later questioned how much of a couple they really are from their "swinging style".

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Digginit... I believe you nailed it. I have been thinking a lot about this. I have a tendency to turn the blame on myself 100%... But honestly I think this has more to do with what you are talking about. When I compare our experiences playing with one other couple (where we are with each other the entire time - and play with each other in between playing with the others) --- to our experiences at the parties... I prefer the one other couple scenario.

 

I couldn't figure that out - and spent entirely too much time assuming that it was because there were less people, different dynamic. But it has far more to do with our involvement with each other. It isn't the sex that bothers me. It is the time apart. I have ALWAYS said I feel like we ignore each other from the moment we arrive until the moment we leave.

 

Usually, like at our last party, after a couple hours I get frustrated and am ready for bed. I am desperate to reconnect with my husband and feel very removed from him. NO ONE could fill that void, you are ABSOLUTELY right. I love my husband more than anything --

 

If we stay in the main area or go into rooms together, I think I would enjoy myself more. I ALWAYS enjoy it more when I can see what he's doing.

 

Also, we go into these things the same - a date... Something we do together. SHARED experiences. It isn't quite the same for him, as for him being at the party makes it a shared experience. But knowing I'm comfortable makes it more enjoyable for him.

 

Thanks for this...

 

We aren't attending the next monthly party as we have other plans that night - and we are attending a sex expo with our swingers group in may - and heading back to one persons house for the night for an impromptu party. I think we will have to iron out the details before we go there :)

 

My only remaining fear is that -- he gets WAY off on me being with other men. He frequents a hotwife forum and is incredibly turned on by my getting fucked by other men. I need to be careful about doing whatever HE wants -- just because I love him and want to make him happy... Even if its something I don't want to do.

 

I also continue to struggle with the idea that I'm "taking the easy way out"... And finding a way to be comfortable so I don't have to learn how to move past the uncomfortable. I also worry about our swingers group as this playing apart seems to be the norm. But we will figure out what works for US as a couple :)

 

Thanks everyone.

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If the party situations leave you less than happy after the fact, but you enjoy the 1 on 1 situations, why not just stick to the 1 on 1 situations?

 

I think one of the most dangerous things we do in life is compare ourselves to other people. The cars we drive, the houses, how we interact with others, etc. We are our own person and each couple is unique. Don't try to be anyone other than who you are (both as an individual and as a couple). There is no reason you have to play at all, let alone in any ways that make either of you uncomfortable. Why put yourselves through that kind of pressure? You said in your first post you've worked through a lot and have come close to splitting up a few times. Swinging is the last thing that you should allow to put that kind of pressure on your relationship. I don't know if swinging had anything to do with the earlier almost splits, but it certainly shouldn't have anything to do with any future ones. So, why push buttons that aren't working? Instead of trying to "fix" something that really isn't broken (the way you feel in certain situations) just avoid those situations and stick to the ones that you do enjoy and that don't leave you feeling bad in the morning.

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Swinging had nothing to do with our earlier struggles - and lets face it, every couple struggles from time to time. It has made us stronger, closer and more in love. Swinging has improved our communication 10 fold. I could never need any thing or anyone else.

 

We swing for adult entertainment. It's a lot more fun than say joining a bowling league together lol. I just need to work on being totally open and honest about my comfort levels and go with it. Things change over time and I think I have to stop expecting myself to hurry that process :)

 

Thanks again all - I love this board!!!! Xo

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My only remaining fear is that -- he gets WAY off on me being with other men. He frequents a hotwife forum and is incredibly turned on by my getting fucked by other men. I need to be careful about doing whatever HE wants -- just because I love him and want to make him happy... Even if its something I don't want to do.

 

I also continue to struggle with the idea that I'm "taking the easy way out"... And finding a way to be comfortable so I don't have to learn how to move past the uncomfortable. I also worry about our swingers group as this playing apart seems to be the norm. But we will figure out what works for US as a couple :)

 

 

I wish I had caught this before we left on a much needed vacation. I enjoy the 'hotwife' scenario and although it's not my preference, I completely understand him there :lol: but everything in MODERATION. We all compromise some in our relationships. Mrs. Diggs goes with me to see an occasional alien movie where everyone gets eaten while I'll go watch a romantic comedy with her. That's what partners do. There is nothing wrong with his love of you being a 'hotwife' but sometimes you need to be 'that couple' too :)

 

It's hard to take a step back when one of you are at different comfort levels but he should understand that you need your 'romantic comedy' night on occasion too!

 

Good luck!

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Wow, this is a great thread!

 

Cdnsexytech said:
...him playing with one woman for too long, and him "making out" and giggling in the hot tub with one woman. Both of these situations made me uncomfortable....

 

That drives me up the wall too, but usually it's only a problem for me when I don't have a connection with the girl on my side. Usually, if I'm distracted enough by having my own fun, I'm totally fine with anything she's doing. I'm probably too selfish / jealous, but as long as we're both going the same speed with the other people in the couple and getting equal attention, I don't have any issues.

 

Cdnsexytech said:
Also, it's usually *after* that these feelings come up for me, when I have time to think about it, and when my "sexual armour" (as hubby and I like to call it lol) is not on.

 

haha... I love that and I'm glad I'm not the only one who has a totally different mindset during the sexual activities vs. later when all the hormones have gone back to bed. ;)

 

sunbuckus said:
I'm curious, do you both get the same amount of attention from other people when you two go out or do one of you garner more than the other?

 

Ya, that's a great question and I've pretty much narrowed down that I have this issue... in fact I posted here about it. It's exacerbated by the fact that my wife is super hot and guys are all after her like crazy and I avoid being "too assertive" with the ladies.

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NYFlirts said:

 

sunbuckus said:
I'm curious, do you both get the same amount of attention from other people when you two go out or do one of you garner more than the other?

 

 

Ya, that's a great question and I've pretty much narrowed down that I have this issue... in fact I posted here about it. It's exacerbated by the fact that my wife is super hot and guys are all after her like crazy and I avoid being "too assertive" with the ladies.

 

I asked that question because another forum member and myself talked about whether (un)equal attention for both the husband and wife might have been a problem in having the feelings that yourself and the OP were describing. I am hoping that he can share his thoughts on this post and yours.

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