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Talking stalled with wife...how do I get her to want to discuss swinging?

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This pass weekend my wife amd I finally had some free time to talk. We have used a MMF fantasy a few times in the past, and made comments about it on and off over the last 15 yrs.

 

But I no sooner approached it seriuosly, and she flat out refused to talk about it.

She rarely openly admits to anything, and I am going with my gut instinct right now. I also know I have to be careful not to assume things with her just because of my desire.

 

My gut tells me that I should wait a few weeks and bring it up again, I think she had a knee jerk reaction to the idea, and I will give the seed time to "grow".

 

She started the next morning making positive side comments, similar to those we said before I put it on the table. We even had sex in the morning, for the 1st time in years...

 

In the time that I have known her she has claimed to have no sexual fantasies although she enjoys sex very much. This seems a little strange to me.

 

I am not the most subtle person in the room either, any suggestions to soften the edge?

 

Well I'll keep at it, my birthdays in a few weeks and we have tentive plans to be alone...

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Almost same situation here. Here is a little of my past. I had 2 FMF\'s before I met T. They were good and fun but then my ex started using sex to get what she wanted. I hated that she would use sex as a treat and punishment. We divorced and went our seperate ways. I then met T on the internet and she was a 12 years older than me. I was up front in telleing her about my past and what my plans were for the future. IE.... no marriage, lots of kinky sex like 3 ways and group sex. She divulged some of her past too. She didn\'t want marriage either just someone to hang out with and be fuck buddies. We hit it off. She never had a FMF but has had a couple of MFM\'s and swung with her ex a couple of times. She even went out and hooked them up with other couples. I told her I always wanted to try the MFM and she wanted to try the FMF. She brought me to my first swing club where we had sex in front of a room full of people. We were together about 4 years and feelings evolved into much more than we both bargained for. She then wanted marriage and so did I. We then had 2 FMF\'s and we then got married shortly after. We talk or should I say, I always brought it up about the MFM\'s and she is always vauge about what happened. I want to know details since I have yet to have one. I want to live it through her eyes. I then talk dirty to her when we are fooling around and take out some toys and pretend that there is someone else there with us. She gets into it and sucks one while I fuck her. I make comments like do you want 2 dicks? and she always says yes fuck me and give it to me. Great turn on and the visuals blow me away. Then I try to talk to her out of the bedroom and she is very quiet about it. It\'s like pulling teeth. I tell her all the time I would like her to bring it up from time to time but it always falls on deaf ears.

We even met 2 different couples I met through a Swinger site and we all hit it off well and nothing ever happened. We are still talking to the one couple and plan on getting together but she never seems interested even though she says she is up for it.

So I would like to know too. How do we know what they want? Do they want too or not? I\'m not into games and can\'t read minds. Sorry to hiJack but it seems like we want the same answer. LOL

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Trying to figure out women is more difficult than coming up with a plan for world peace.

 

Want2knowmore: I think you have it right. Plant the seed and don't badger. Although I pride myself at not being "one of those women" who completely act on emotion, I do sometimes have knee-jerk reactions. I like time to "process" (as I put it). You may get a reaction from me, but once I have time to think I'm much more reasonable. Let her process.

 

Funforall: She may not want to discuss details because she may think you'll be judgmental, or that you may be jealous. I know in your mind that sounds absurd, but I know that it's hard for me to talk about details to my SO. In fact, we were talking after playing with some friends, and he wanted details. I was a little shy about talking details, and he explained to me how much it turned him on, and by holding back, it felt more like I was hiding something than protecting his feelings. So now, I tell him every little tiny juicy detail. Incredible sex usually ensues soon afterward.

 

So, let your lady's chew on ideas a little, and ensure them that the details and fantasies are a complete turn-on for you; show no signs of jealousy and you're both on the right track.

 

Good luck!!

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Thank you so much for the great advice. I feel a little better now. I told her the same things your husband told you. Once again there is no pressure just want her to chew on my side for a bit. Let it all soak in.

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Yes thanks,

 

What other subtles things can be done, is there a movie that isn't x-rated that portrays the sls positively? ( She won't watch porn) That might keep the lines of communication open...

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Reviving a thread, sort of. :)

 

Last week weekend we had a long drive and we managed to get by the usual crap that stalls the conversation. We talked mostly about threesomes and my other milder fantasies. By the time we got home we were exhausted but we showered and went to bed and kept talking. The sex was great. I was telling her my favorite, for the moment, FFM fantasy. Which I figured would kill her mood. But it didn't. She also started talking a little "dirtier' than normal. It was enough to put me over.

 

Could the seed have grown?

I figure she was either going with it for me , or she has an idea of her own ;)

At least she didn't freak :eek: at the mention of it.

 

She even stated that she is willing to talk about it more later.

 

I can't wait to have her read this board and see the positive support that is here.

 

More later

 

W2M

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Talking about things while on a long drive is a good sign.

 

Her willing to talk about it later...another good sign.

 

Don't push it. Be patient.

 

Having her come to the board is a good idea. Tell her about a message board you found on the subject of swinging, give her the URL and let her choose when she wants to come here and read or if she wants to come here and read. Chances are she will at least be curious and when/if she's ready she'll bring the topic back up again.

 

 

 

Teresa

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Dito You've planted the seed. Carefully water and fertilize it, but she is the one that has to grow it. Always move at the pace of the slowest person. You've worked to hard to blow it now by pressuring her.

 

It's a great idea to have her read the board, even if you just email her links to some of the threads you think she might like and let her read them on her own time and look around from there.

 

Mr. WS

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Sir, You really don't have any reasonably safe alternative except to wait it out.

 

What can happen if you don't and get into it too soon?

 

1) You will see her feel very bad about things the morning after.

 

2) You will say "No" to couples whom you probably wouldn't after having been in the lifestyle in proper time.

 

3) You risk alienating the person with whom you will spend the rest of your life.

 

4) You will have terrible disagreements, which will have you feeling terrible as well.

 

There are other good reasons as well.

 

Enjoy your lives together and let it happen on her timetable.

 

Male D

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Too, soon. I have been working on this since before I found this forum. Sorry this sounds harsh, it isn't.

 

Slowly is the only way to do this, I learned this before my 1st posting. This has been a great resource, and I thank you all.

 

More as I have to tell.

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Re-load...

 

or just an average update...

 

So it has been a few monthes since my last update.

 

We were alone for a few days and had some time. It wasn't a discussion this time but I think it was just as productive.

 

We went to an Adult store for "toy" shopping. WHen we purchased one it came with a dvd. She has never watched any porn with me. But she popped it in the portable player in the car and watched some of it on the way home. I figured it was going to be a mood killer. She never showed any intrest in watching one before. Even when we got home she played part of it and was watching. At one point I know it was two women she was watching in the car (which she has stated in the past didn't "do" anything for her). I was to busy watching her watch the movie. It was shamelessly bad and even way over the top even for porn, but she never really looked away. This to me is a big leap. I didn't press anything and we had a interesting few days.

I think I will try to add a few "better" dvds to the collection...

 

Anyways that is the latest in my world...

 

as always any insight would be welcome

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Funforall,

Sometimes WE don't know what WE want. LOL! Depends on where my hormones are at, what part of my cycle I'm in, is there a full moon, etc. etc. and etc. lol.

Sometimes I'm sick of the lifestyle and I'm done. Then I'm back on board and full to go. Then I'm iffy. I don't know what to tell you. AND there are some women who love the FANTASY only but do not want the reality....like a rape fantasy. Some ladies love to think about it and role play...do they really want a lunatic breaking into their home and raping them? I think NOT! So this very well may be the case. I think she has pretty much let you know to leave the subject alone for now. She sounds like a mature, educated and intelligent lady. You may want to say something as simple as "I know you are not into doing an actual MFM at this time, and that is fine if it is your wish. I do want you to know that if at any time you decide that you want to try it out I am here, just let me know." Subject dropped. She knows where you are, and she will know to say hey honey, I'm ready.

Shelly

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Funforall,

Sometimes WE don't know what WE want. LOL! Depends on where my hormones are at, what part of my cycle I'm in, is there a full moon, etc. etc. and etc. lol.

Sometimes I'm sick of the lifestyle and I'm done. Then I'm back on board and full to go. Then I'm iffy.

 

I totally agree with this statement. There are times I'm ready to roll...others I can take it or leave it. Unfortunately, Jeff isn't always good at interpreting these things... :lol:

 

But I do try to let him know so he doesn't get tunnel-visioned on a particular idea thinking that it's ok when I'm really wishing that he would note my lack of enthusiasm and drop it...but he just takes silence as agreement...I guess his way of thinking is, 'if she doesn't like what i'm saying, she'll stop me.' :rolleyes:

 

To W2KM, looks like your wife is doing fine. Some just need longer to warm up to different ideas, even if it's not swinging. Some think that dirty talk isn't right, using toys is abnormal, and watching porn is tantamount to cheating. Others, obviously don't. :D

 

Good luck,

Maria :kissface:

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Thanks, I am just amazed at the sitituation. She has claimed in the past that she doesn't have fantasies about sex. It was unique in that she was watching at all, but I would have bet it was going to kill the mood. I think when we do talk about things I want to say something alongs the line of an avenue she can explore if she wants to.

 

Me, I have no problem with watching porn so it is a bonus to me to have her there. As far as any swinging goes it is a long ways out there at the moment, (or not at all)but as always I would like to thank all for thier help.

 

I want to keep it light but not overbearing, I would like some suggestion for porn tittles that may have a little plot to them (for her), and still be able to approach the subject without raising all sorts of alarms (for me), do such exist?

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For me, I like to pick out the porn that I watch. My SO is ok with whatever it is that I want. Maybe the next time you take a field trip to the adult store, tell her to pick out something she thinks she would like? There are some other good threads on here about porn with plot...I'm just having a problem locating them at this time... :(

 

Maria :kissface:

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I saw that too, late last night and now I can't seem to locate it either. Trips are few and far between.

The next several weekends are a fiasco of activity. (including her birthday) I willk leave that time alone for now. October is gearing up to be busy too. I am taking all the advice I have learned here and taking my time.

 

Given that things seem to be going that way I am wondering if she will think to bring up the subject?"

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sexcupid said:
There are some other good threads on here about porn with plot...I'm just having a problem locating them at this time... :(

 

Maria :kissface:

 

 

 

Here's a few...

 

 

 

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