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I declined a chance to play with vanilla friends. Right or wrong move?

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The Mr. and I recently got back from a vacation part of which was spending a week at a rental with a private pool with a vanilla couple who know about our swinging lifestyle. I know the female half of the couple the longest and you could say it was much more of a female friendship and the husbands sort of "tagged along," although they do get along great. Within the first day, as we were lounging by our pool, my girl friend said she knew we like to go to nude beaches and it's fine if I and my husband wanted to go nude. In fact she said they wouldn't mind joining us in our birthday suits if we're comfortable. So off went the swimsuits. It was awkward for about 10 minutes but we were soon totally comfortable with the nudity. We joked and laughed, had some playful oral teasing with our own spouses, we girls had some fun flashing at restaurants...a wonderful time for all. :blush:

 

On the second to last day, my girl friend asked me if we wanted to do a full swap with them. My husband and I are pretty adamant that we don't swing with vanilla friends. I generally advised against it in my previous posts here. Over the years we have had a few vanilla friends who know of our lifestyle saying they are interested in the lifestyle and wondering if we would perhaps break them in. And we have always declined. But for the first time, I was presented with an opportunity that's ready to happen. I know my husband thinks my friend is attractive, and I certainly think her husband is cute. So attraction is not an issue. Ultimately, my husband wanted to go for it but deferred the decision to me because she is more of a friend to me than he with the other husband. I stuck with my own advice and declined.

 

Now that I am back to the normal routine, I am second guessing myself and having a case of the "what if's." Could it have worked out? could we have played with them without complicating the friendship? Right now, nothing has changed and despite all the naked fun we had, we are as close as ever. In fact, we still relived much of the silliness of the trip and laughed about it.

 

I've been around long enough to know it's not a good idea to play with vanilla friends, but I am just wondering:

has anyone here successfully played with vanilla friends and not destroyed the friendship? is there a recipe for making it work? Feel free to chime me if you think I should just stick with my decision too.

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We don't have any experiences with playing with vanilla couples who are friends but in my opinion, you made the right decision if you'd rather keep the friendship intact. While there are certainly cases where "converting" a vanilla couple who were friends has worked out, I think it would be best to err on the side of cautious and careful. If they are really interested, they can go to a club/party/M&G/date another couple to see if it's really for them.

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It turns out I don't actually know any vanilla couples, so my views might be a little tainted. However, I have had a number of "friends with benefits" in years past and am currently exploring the possibility of playing with one of our friends. I think, even more than in a normal swinging situation, the rules of "open, honest communication" and "go at the pace of the slowest person" are key.

 

If you really are interested, and your second guessing of yourself suggests to me that you are, talk to them about it. Discuss your interest and your concerns. Find out where they are in their relationship. Maybe they aren't as vanilla as you think they are. Maybe they have been discussing this for some time and working up to this point. Or maybe it was a spur of the thing and they're just as happy to let the opportunity pass by. But if you assume what the answers are, you will never really know.

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but I am just wondering: has anyone here successfully played with vanilla friends and not destroyed the friendship?

 

I'd have to vote a big no. Destroyed a 10 year friendship (our best friends) and one of the richochets destroyed a 30 year friendship.

 

Friends? Never, never, never again. You made the right choice.

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I think you made the right choice. We have similar vanilla friends. We have been naked around them and had sex in the same room, but we wouldn't swap with them. I just wouldn't want to be responsible if anything negative happened in their relationship as a result of swapping. We have offered to take them to the club or come to our meet and greet. They haven't.

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If you really are interested, and your second guessing of yourself suggests to me that you are, talk to them about it. Discuss your interest and your concerns. Find out where they are in their relationship. Maybe they aren't as vanilla as you think they are. Maybe they have been discussing this for some time and working up to this point. Or maybe it was a spur of the thing and they're just as happy to let the opportunity pass by. But if you assume what the answers are, you will never really know.

 

You must have a sixth sense. I know before they got married, they had a threesome with husband's male friend but they have been monogamous in 4 yrs of marriage so far (perhaps a French vanilla couple?). We girls talk a lot and I know about that incident in excruciating detail. They had fun and friendship intact. But those are guys.

 

I did quiz her about why she wanted to swap when she brought it up. They have no desire to be swingers. They have talked about playing with us but they didnt plan for it to happen on his trip. She said she thought its a good time to bring it up since we were having so much fun with the nudity and the sexual jokes and innuendos (not awkward kind but belly-aching funny kind). So it seems they had thought about it. I ended up not doing it because I know from experience it's difficult to predict the emotional fallout especially for women. But my second guessing came from knowing she and her husband having discussed it and she at least appears to be able to handle it.

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I ended up not doing it because I know from experience it's difficult to predict the emotional fallout especially for women.

 

I think this part is important. Speaking only for us, if our first swinging experience involved a close girl friend and her husband, I'm not sure if I would be able to handle the emotional or mental thoughts that would have run through my mind the first time having casual sex with another couple. Maybe others would be able to handle it but for me, knowing that the other wife was someone we might never see again had an appeal and held the knowledge that Mr. Sun wouldn't run away with her (which would be a higher risk if we actually knew and saw them often). Does that make sense?

 

Not to mention the usual argument of "What if the sex is bad and you don't want to repeat it? Would it drive a spike through the friendship?"

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Maybe others would be able to handle it but for me, knowing that the other wife was someone we might never see again had an appeal and held the knowledge that Mr. Sun wouldn't run away with her (which would be a higher risk if we actually knew and saw them often). Does that make sense?

 

Not to mention the usual argument of "What if the sex is bad and you don't want to repeat it? Would it drive a spike through the friendship?"

 

It makes total sense. I see your point. A lot of things can happen, and there is a lot more to lose.

 

Thanks everyone. Looks like the responses are pretty unanimous here. It's nice to know I made the right decision and I am going to stop dwelling on this.

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