Is swinging really worth the stress that comes with it?

[midnight hour]

First let me say I am not being a smart arse about this that I am asking..far from it..but curious.
I have read post after post about dealing with the jealousy, about the dreams, the kissing, the emotional bond all around with swinging..I mean some of the posts have been pretty gut wrenching..and it appears that regardless of what or how long everyone has been playing, multiple problems arise so to speak.
I have read posts about crappy sex, no performance sex, too fast sex..and yes, plenty of good sex too...
But all in all, is the agony really worth it all when it is said and done..*most of the time*? It appears sometimes to be more trouble then it is worth at the end of the nite...
I am guessing that if you are with partners you have played with multiple times or a on premise club things might be different as you are around the same partners a lot of the time. But for the most part it always appears in other situations that one partner is more gungho on the idea then the other..
Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed the MFMs I have been in...but when it was all over with quite honestly I have had better sex with Mr. Midnite hands down on a 'bad nite'. But the anexity that seems to come along with playing is high, all the way around, female and male. The worry over body parts, body shape etc.
Just curious on these things that have made me go 'Hmmmm' and would appreciate honest feedback on if in the end, when it is all said and done it was worth the whole stress..or perhaps the stress adds to the excitment?
I mean it appears that no matter how long the swinging has been going on there always seems to be the threat of the green eyed monster raising its ugly head now and then.
I know I have issues, I am honest about that..willing to try and work thru them, Mr. Midnite says if we only stick to MFM and if he gets to see me with another woman that when his time comes he will still be grinning.. and I can now respect that because honestly from reading the mens posts, it is *all about the lady* and the major get off is your ladys pleasure...and another thing I have appreciated from the ones at the social and most I have met is that even if you don't swing, the fact you are there adds to the atmosphere...
I do appreciate every post that I have read on this board...and I must say I think it is the best kept secret on the web...

Midnight Hour

[VegasLee]

I will be the first to admit that I believe that most people in the lifestyle make it way to hard. They over think the whole thing. It is a "hobby" to most and not really a lifestyle.

I see many that make it stressful as you feel you have seen. I have never understood the reason that people can not try to keep life and the lifestyle simple. I see the same thing in other "hobbies" that people have also, it is not just swinging.

We have been in the lifestyle most of our adult life. We do not let it get stressful and we have fun most anytime or any place we go. We do not depend on others making our life fun, we do it ourself. Sometimes we get lucky, sometimes we don't. Does not matter either way, it is all fun if you make it that way.

We never have even considered the "green eye monster" coming into our life, either in swinging or not. That is the trust and relationship we have with each other. Also, to be very honest about it, if Laura found someone else that she would rather be with it would hurt but at the same time then it would be better then staying with me if that is not what she really wanted. We all have to do what we have to do but neither of us ever even thinks about not being with each other.

Keep life and the lifestyle simple and it is a great way to live. Make more of it then it really is or make it hard as most people do then it turns into work and way to much trouble.

Keep it simple, keep it honest and all is good.

[Mich149]

Well mrs. midnite, my short answer is sometimes.

Yeah, we've had tons of the stereotypical bad experiences. And trust me, some have been really BAD.
It's just that sometimes all the anxiety, the worrying, the preparation and the flirting lead up to an incredible night with an incredible couple. Or not. While the build up isn't our favorite thing in the world, when you find a couple that just "works", it makes it all worth it. It's the same as vanilla dating as far as I can see.

[Spoomonkey]

Well - the question is, "is it really worth it?"

The answer is a hearty "YES!"

You are right on the money, midnite - I have never had sex with anyone that rocked my world the way Mrs Spoomonkey does... I don't think it is possible... But then again, the sex in swinging and the sex at home is as incomparable as apples and oranges... It just isn't the same thing.

The payoff - as I have said ad nauseum - is the fire that still burns when it is just the two of us. In fact, we have talked about the two times where we struggled with jealousy - her first time playing with another man and my first time playing with another woman. From a "debriefing" stand point, those experiences were tough. But - the week after my "issues" we were on each other like bunnies on viagra. As for her "issues", it is one of her hottest memories and she is working on writing a story about it for submission here...

Jealousy is a real issue. But, when properly and lovingly worked through, it can uncover some incredibly erotic thoughts and memories... My theory (and take it for what it is) is that jealousy is often just lust mixed with insecurity. When you deal with the insecurity, the lust is pretty damn hungry.

And - yeah...

I've set the bar pretty high, so not every experience is "mind blowing" But the ones that have been... WOOHOO! Let's just say the fuel of those memories burns slow and hot...

Spoomonkey

[Elusive BiFem]

I'm really glad you asked the question, Midnight Hour as it is one I have often wondered about. WR and I have had numerous discussions about some of the same exact things you brought up and I've made similar statements..."it just seems like so much work for some people." In fact, the other night in moderated chat, we touched on some of this in terms of rules and my stance that I didn't understand the need for all these stringent rules and boundaries wasn't well received by some since I am a single person. But really, what I think I was getting at was exactly what you are talking about. Vegas Lee kind of summed up some of my thoughts with these comments:

I will be the first to admit that I believe that most people in the lifestyle make it way to hard. They over think the whole thing. It is a "hobby" to most and not really a lifestyle.

Keep life and the lifestyle simple and it is a great way to live. Make more of it then it really is or make it hard as most people do then it turns into work and way to much trouble.

My swinging experiences are far different from his and certainly, I'm far less involved in the lifestyle than he and Laura, but I suppose that I've been quite fortunate since the experiences I have had have been nothing short of fantastic. I've been able to have close, happy, and essentially stress free relationships with the people. In all cases (limited as they are), there was never any discussion of specific rules or boundaries or stuff of that nature. Certainly, we discussed likes and dislikes just as you would with anyone, but I never felt that there was some sort of script any of us had to follow. While getting to know people, you learn through general conversation what they expect and want and they learn the same about you. At least that has been my experience. Somehow, someway...it just developed into a rather free and easy and flowing thing.

I can ditto many of your thoughts in terms of reading about so many unfortunate experiences others have had. And in real life for me, there have been occasions of crappy sex, too fast sex, non-performance sex...but I look on those occasions as being nothing more than real life and not anything to worry about. Those sorts of things happen to the best of us. However, I've also thought after reading some of the posts here - or wondered - if maybe people weren't putting too much pressure on themselves and/or their partners. Pressure to perform can be a real killer.

Anyway...thanks for asking the questions. And thanks to Vegas Lee for his responses. At least now I know I'm not alone with some of my thoughts.

- EBF

[TNT]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

I will be the first to admit that I believe that most people in the lifestyle make it way to hard. They over think the whole thing. It is a "hobby" to most and not really a lifestyle.

I see many that make it stressful as you feel you have seen. I have never understood the reason that people can not try to keep life and the lifestyle simple. I see the same thing in other "hobbies" that people have also, it is not just swinging.

We have been in the lifestyle most of our adult life. We do not let it get stressful and we have fun most anytime or any place we go. We do not depend on others making our life fun, we do it ourself. Sometimes we get lucky, sometimes we don't. Does not matter either way, it is all fun if you make it that way.

We never have even considered the "green eye monster" coming into our life, either in swinging or not. That is the trust and relationship we have with each other. Also, to be very honest about it, if Laura found someone else that she would rather be with it would hurt but at the same time then it would be better then staying with me if that is not what she really wanted. We all have to do what we have to do but neither of us ever even thinks about not being with each other.

Keep life and the lifestyle simple and it is a great way to live. Make more of it then it really is or make it hard as most people do then it turns into work and way to much trouble.

Keep it simple, keep it honest and all is good.

Dito , couldn't have said it any better.

TNT

[JustAskJulie]

This is a very valid and a great (not just good) question and I think that Lee really nailed it with his response. Too often people get so wrapped up in the ideas of swinging and the "what ifs" and so on that they forget this is supposed to be a fun hobby. Some are so worried about having a play date or meeting someone that they forget about the most important things (themselves and their relationship with their partner).

Is it worth the effort? Yes, but only if you remember that this is something that is supposed to be fun and don't allow it to overtake your entire life. As Lee pointed out this can and does happen with any hobby you might have/ do. It's easy to enjoy something and then get so wrapped up in that it becomes less of a hobby and more of a job. When you do that, it's not fun anymore and in my opinion it's not worth it.

We work off of the "KISS" theory.

"Keep It Simple Stupid"


To us its just plain fun!!!

To me there is something just so damn Erotic about watching mrs naughty get hers from a strange cock!!

We don't do it because I cant, We do it because its fun.

Its just that simple.

[midnight hour]

Thanks guys for the honest answers...was kinda scared I might get flamed... sometimes on a faceless forum something can come across wrong, especially when it touches on senstive things..
I know that Mr. Midnite and me have sex most every day, and it is good and I sometimes wonder what we are thinking about, i.e don't try to fix something that is not broke yet the thoughts are tempting..
I guess another reason I asked was over the weeks on different boards/groups/forums I have seen the same people posting every wknd looking for *someone* to party with, meet, house party..anything...and it all just looked so desperate to me..and I want to post back..hey look at your partner for a change one wknd.. even though it is not my place...but I think most of you guys will know what I am talking about..
So anywho..off to another social this wknd...will we play? Not sure..only the shadow will know..and if we do you guys will be the only ones to know...
I have enjoyed your posts back to me..I am all for keeping it simple...I am not going to make it more then it might be worth...there is a lot at stake in my relationship with Mr. Midnite, 2 special needs high maintance kids etc...and I am watching for damage control because in the scheme of things..if there was damage done, it would be a tad harder to fix perhaps then a regular marriage...since the stress level is already up to nuke...
Thanks again~

midnight hour

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally Posted by midnight hour

Thanks guys for the honest answers...was kinda scared I might get flamed... sometimes on a faceless forum something can come across wrong, especially when it touches on senstive things..

It's all in the way it's asked. - EBF

[Romily]

I know exactly what you mean and have thought about it myself (seems that i do a lof of thinking lately beein new to that lifestyle!)...

the way we see it is that swinging is supposed to ADD something to our relationship - not something that shall overtake our life. It's something that definitly spices up our sex life (not that it was bad to start with!!!) and brought us also closer as we talk a lot - which is fantastic. And if that's what we get out of it it can't be too bad...

We are not going to rush things and I couldn't imagine to play every weekend (hey, we have a lot of friends and things going on besides swinging) but I can imagine that it will be something we enjoy every now and then - like a bonus, some extra fun...

Reg the jelaousy issues I still have - I think working on that with my man is something I will immensly benefit from in the long run - it will make me stronger and more confident, and it will make our relationship even better - so yes, I guess at the end it is worth it - although I think it's normal to sometimes not see that, especially after a bda experience.

great question!

[BradAndJanet]

Originally Posted by Romily

...the way we see it is that swinging is supposed to ADD something to our relationship - not something that shall overtake our life. ...

Exactly! Swinging should always be the icing and not the cake. If you're doing it to replace something in your relationship, things are more than likely going to go badly wrong. If we ever sense that a couple is doing that, we're going to back away quickly.

midnite hour, it is a great question to ask, and I think there have been some fine answers posted here. I can only add this: I think we may hear more about the not-so-good times because when something untoward happens, people come here seeking help and advice. That's not a bad thing; it speaks volumes about the kind of place this is.

-B

[cpl42]

We think swinging is a very great thing. As with you we have not done it yet. After 26 years together, we studied this lifesteyl, since it hit the net. In your letter, you spoke of the "morning after". That should be the best part, in our opinion. The experince will get us off for a month. Point is...swinging is not about emotions....its just about sex. Its kinda like being faithfully, unfaithfull to each other. This site is not only the most secret site, it is the most honest people we have ever talked to. cpl42

[fun_pairTX]

We have had a wonderful time swinging over the past three years. We haven't had any "bad" experiences, although we have met some couples that we haven't clicked with sexually, we have made friends with them instead and they are good people to have as friends. Don't stress out and overcomplicate the situation. All stress is self imposed. Stress can only take you over if you allow it to do so. Relax and have a great time in a wonderful hobby.
Sex is more fun than bowling and you don't have to change your shoes.