Emotional Monogamy and justifying swinging

[Tarnished Halo]

Hello!
May I point out an observation that I have made? For many of you, although you do not adhere to the tradionational ideas of monogamy, you DO have a set of rules that adhere strictly to the idea that your Spouse, or life partner (call it what you will), should reserve some emotional connection for YOU, or the relationship outside of the swinging relatinship, I mean.!

May I then make the assumption that you "reserve" the
emotional aspect of your sexuality to belong to your
wife,or husband, as the case may be? Is this then the separation of Love and sex that I hear of?

I am just curious as to the justifications that you may have about the "sex" and "the love" that you have for your spouse or is not comprimised by your swinging?

Just trying agin to "get a handle on the idea of swinging".
My best to all.
T.H.

[yawanna]

Bingo!!

[mrbandsatl]

We are indeed emotionally monogamous. Any recreational sex we have is just that... fun and games. What the two of us share is irreplaceable. We have had many significant others before we were married - all of whom we were sexually monogamous with - and none of those relationships compare with what we have developed over the last 17 years.

Bob and Sandy

[Chicup]

I have an emotional attachment to all the women I've swung with, I just don't love them.

Thats the difference.

[good times]

Originally posted by Chicup
I have an emotional attachment to all the women I've swung with, I just don't love them.

Thats the difference.

I agree.

R

[cpl4playmass]

My emotional intimacy (the person I rely on, confide to, express love to) is my GF. We have sex with other people lasting usually 4-5 hours and don't see them again for a couple months. I couldn't have an intimate relationship with a swing partner unless I was talking to this person regularly, calling them, emailing them. In other words I would have to get involved and we have never found a need or a reason to go beyond just meeting up to have some great sex with other people.

What I have with my partner takes time, effort, love. I have none of those things with swing mates.

hope that helps.

DJ

[JustAskJulie]

I think that this time around you have hit the nail on the head.

Not everone can seperate sex and love/emotion. Some people can at first but as things continue they will get attached. Others have no problem whatsoever seperating the two completely.

In order to swing you have to see sex and love as two completely seperate things. You usually do have sex with someone you love.... but you don't necessarily love the person (or share an emotional bond with them) that you have sex with.

[BradAndJanet]

T.H., I knew that you would figure it out! You are correct in your assessment; the sex and the love are two different things, as others have pointed out. As Julie says, not everyone can separate them, and that is why everyone does not swing.

You asked the question: "I am just curious as to the justifications that you may have about the "sex" and "the love" that you have for your spouse or is not comprimised by your swinging?"

I'd like to answer, but I'm not sure what you mean

My best to you as well.

-B

[4funfriend]

I am in love with my Husband and he with me.
I also love our "friends", for what they bring to Hubby and my lives. We are friends, we find that we have more in common the more we get to know them. We are friends with benefits, if they had to move away yes, I would be sad, but would go on. If my Husband were gone (God forbid) I would die. Hubby always comes first.
I think that it is true about love and sex being two things, I also think that love, and "being in love" are two thinks.
At least that is how I feel.

[ricndi032903]

Good morning T.H. ,

I too am not sure what your asking here:

Originally posted by Tarnished Halo

I am just curious as to the justifications that you may have about the "sex" and "the love" that you have for your spouse or is not comprimised by your swinging?

Are you asking;

How to separate the two (Sex & Love making) ???
Or How NOT confuse the sex & the love making???

And; are you also asking;

How do they know they are NOT comprimsing their relationship by swinging???


For myself personally, I can't separate sex from love making, If I were single or not hopelessly inlove, then I might be able to do so. To me and for me, they go hand in hand, it's a NEED, something I have to have, the man I love has to be capable of not only touching my skin, but my heart and soul as well.

And if we ever got to that point of swapping, I would never be secure enough to know in my heart that it wasn't comprimsing what we have. Knowing myself, I'd always be worried if "she" was better or doing something better, or was he thinking of her and settling for me, or was he silently falling inlove with her, etc.....

But then there are alot of others here and there that don't have these crazy worries, or hang-ups, but then again, maybe they do and just choose to ignore their fears and hope that the love they think they have will hold them together.

It's all up the couple or people involved and what they can or can not handle, they know themselves better then anyone. And if they choose to take those risks with their relationship, if it works out; great, and if not, better luck next time.

[Alura]

Originally posted by Tarnished Halo


May I then make the assumption that you "reserve" the
emotional aspect of your sexuality to belong to your
wife,or husband, as the case may be? Is this then the separation of Love and sex that I hear of?

Yes, Tarnish Halo! That's exactly it! I can't "make love" to other women; only Mrs. Alura. It's very difficult to have "sex for fun" with Mrs. Alura. I almost always end up "making love" to her. That's one of the attractions of swinging. We can have both!

Just trying agin to "get a handle on the idea of swinging".
My best to all.
T.H.

I think you've definitely gotten a handle on the idea of swinging. We may see y'all at a Meet Up! sometime!

Way to go!

Mr. Alura

[Alura]

Originally posted by ricndi032903
And if we ever got to that point of swapping, I would never be secure enough to know in my heart that it wasn't comprimsing what we have. Knowing myself, I'd always be worried if "she" was better or doing something better, or was he thinking of her and settling for me, or was he silently falling inlove with her, etc.....

In my opinion what you describe here is not love but insecurity. As long as you have these misgivings, y'all should not consider swinging. I don't think anyone would suggest it is easy to develop a relationship in which swinging is possible.

Mr. Alura

[yawanna]

And if they choose to take those risks with their relationship, if it works out; great, and if not, better luck next time.

Speaking for ourselves, we don't take any 'risks' with our relationship when being sexual with people other than each other.

We have been sexual with people together as a couple, and separately. We find no risk to ourselves or our relationship in the ways that we choose to participate, or not. Not everyone will respect the boundaries we set or our reasons for meeting others, and the limits of those meetings. It's up to US to maintain those boundaries.

For example....some people new to this activity, worry that their partner may become infatuated or feel they are in love with a play partner. It has been our experience that the people we have met for sex, sometimes take that beyond the few hours spent 'playing'. Most times it's a mutually respectful fun type of communication...the friendship aspect. It's easy enough to stop when it's an invasive type of communication..... we tell them 'no...it wasn't anything more than a sexual encounter'.

He has been contacted by women beyond a meeting, and I have been contacted by men beyond a meeting. Married couples AND singles we chose to play with.

It's simple... just say 'no'. Of course, we both want to maintain a friendly environment beyond the play....you need to know when friendly crosses your own lines. He has had one woman tell him she loves him. He said 'whoa! that is not what this is about'. She was married. We have had women become possessive of him to a degree, challenging us about our personal relationship. Another 'whoa' and that ends it. I have had men tell me they attended a house party, and wished that I were there with them, and they fantasized about me being with them at that event. 'Whoa' again... I'm married. We met for an afternoon....not for me to leave my husband at home to go to a house party with another man.

There is appropriate conversation amongst play partners, together ones and one on one. If the discussions beyond the play feel inappropriate, they probably are. And YOU have a responsibility to keep your boundaries, for the sake of your primary relationship. Nothing wrong with being clear and nipping anything that could be a problem for the two of you, in the bud.

We like our play friends..why else would we play with them? We can be kind and firendly and have some fun. We are strong together and we keep it that way. We also tell each other every conversation and show every conversation, and often we collaborate on the response to an inappropriate request made to one or the other. This sometimes surprises the other party, and that just tells us 'well..we were right...they don't get our boundaries'.

You don't count on other people..you count on yourselves to keep it on the right track and avoid or eliminate 'risks'. If you are good together and feel good and strong enough to venture into uncharted waters, and you take care for each other before anyone else... this can work

It ain't a crap shoot when it's done well

[bipagancouple]

Originally posted by yawanna
You don't count on other people..you count on yourselves to keep it on the right track and avoid or eliminate 'risks'. If you are good together and feel good and strong enough to venture into uncharted waters, and you take care for each other before anyone else... this can work

Well said!

As long as you are clear on putting your primary relationship first at all times, and you trust your that your partner will do the same, outside factors become a lot less threatening.

It's taken us years together and lots of work on the relationship to get to where I felt secure about the idea of swinging. If hubby and I have an "issue" to deal with, everything outside stops until we're ok with each other. IMHO that's the only way nonmonogamy can work, for us at least, without someone getting hurt or resentful.

peace,
S and R

[hmr]

Originally posted by Tarnished Halo

you DO have a set of rules that adhere strictly to the idea that your Spouse, or life partner (call it what you will), should reserve some emotional connection for YOU, or the relationship outside of the swinging relatinship, I mean.!

May I then make the assumption that you "reserve" the
emotional aspect of your sexuality to belong to your
wife,or husband, as the case may be? Is this then the separation of Love and sex that I hear of?

I am just curious as to the justifications that you may have about the "sex" and "the love" that you have for your spouse or is not comprimised by your swinging?
Just trying agin to "get a handle on the idea of swinging".
My best to all.
T.H.

We absolutely reserve an emotional connection for our S/O, or life partner outside the swinging relationship. We don't form any emotional (love) bonds within the swinging relationships! Those are strictly forbidden. If tendencies should arise, I would fear it would be signs of a weak relationship, and you shouldn't be swinging in the first place.

As for separating sex from love...I make love to my husband, and him only!! I have sex and share my passion, body, eroticism, sensuality, and my husband with others. We enjoy sharing ourselves and the pleasure we acheive through sex with others.
Nothing is compromised

mrs hmr