How did you decide sex only - not friends or friends first?

[nc_couple_28304]

I know we have had plenty of questions regarding friendships with potential partners...What I am curious about is for those that prefer sex only and are not seeking a friendship first, how did you get to that conclusion?

Did you start out seeking to have sex with other people and if a friendship came from it great if not then that was ok too...Or did you start out seeking friendship and then gradually moved to sex with possible friendship?

I am curious because hubby and I are pondering the whole friendship thing..We have met several couples in the last few years and each time we have started off as great friends and eventually moved things to the bedroom. Each friendship lasted between 4-6 mths and then ended due to different things. (cple became possesive and or etc..)

We still consider ourselves newbies, but wonder if maybe we are putting to much emphasis on the friendship....So was curious on why some choose only sex.

[imsnowman]

Originally posted by nc_couple_28304
We still consider ourselves newbies, but wonder if maybe we are putting to much emphasis on the friendship....So was curious on why some choose only sex.

We both need some attraction outside the bedroom, so far. However, if you're happy with your history so far than you aren't putting too much emphasis on friendship. If you feel like you want to change your pattern then do so. You'll get a wide range of opinions here In fact out of 12 people you ask you'll probably get 13 different opinions. Good Luck.

[mifligirl25]

i think sex only is a good idea, it spares the worries of jealous some spouses may have . besides isn't swinging basically a physical thing after all... you already have the emotional in you own relationship. just a thought

I couldnt imagine having sex with someone I didnt get to know first. Im sure that in the sexually-charged of a swing club or party it would be easy to feel differently... but its not likely that my wife and I would ever go to one of these type of events.

[hotcpl4unfla]

I also think friendship must be established first. Neither my wife nor I would ever consider being with another couple the first night. We have a couple we have been friends with for almost 4 years. About a year ago we started having SRS with them, and the ladies are having romps with each other. Our friendship is strong, but we don't spend every weekend with each other. I think that's what you need to make it work: distance. As with any relationship, "smothering" can affect it negatively. We have fun doing other things as couples (dinner, movies, vacations), and the sex is just a bonus. If you keep the attitude that you all have boundaries and you don't get carried away, then there shouldn't be too many emotional problems. And the friendship may outlast the sex.

[PAULnCarmen]

After being in the Lifestyle many years you realize it is tough to become friends first. Friendships develop gradually and most of the time when you become really close friends, the sex ends, but the friendships last. We chose this lifestyle for fun, our fun. We find that we dont care for any drama in our lives. Its best to have sex first and if friendships develop so be it.

[mifligirl25]

finally an honest post to this, how many of you truly develope the friendship before the sex came in to play? if you say you did then just how long before on meeting or did ya make it to too before things got hot? in reality i think most out there meet & greet might wait till the 2nd so called "date". but really getting along in bed is usually a factor in developing the friendship or not... how many unsatisfactory swaps do youdevelope friendships with. I applaud those who respond honestly

[imsnowman]

Originally posted by mifligirl25
finally an honest post to this, SNIP I applaud those who respond honestly.

It appears that to you "honestly" just means that you agree with the opinion. You've decided what everyone should think and if they don't they're just being dishonest.

Interesting perspective to say the least. Must make it kind of hard to learn anything about other people. Oh, I get it you already know everything about everyone else.

[fun_pairTX]

If we were to be "friends first" we would never get to the sex. I am a bit more outgoing than Mrs Fun is, but I am very slow to let anyone inside my head. Honestly I don't know if I have the capacity for that kind of openness with anyone but Barbara.

[bear_n_bunny]

I'm not going to say it's friendship first, but then again there about as many levels of friendship as there are of love. There has to be some connection for me or I want get in the mental place needed for good play. At a minimum, I have to think I'd like to be friends with them. Does that mean BBQ every weekend friends? hopefully but not really. Does it mean being able to enjoy several hours in their company? definitely. This is something that can usually be determined on a first date situation. If we all manage to survive dinner together, then I'd say we're friends of some sort.

Having lived through the early 80's, I've already done anonymous and bad idea sex. No need to go back there for the either the shoulder pads or the sexual practices.

-- Bunny

[fun_pairTX]

I should clarify a bit. We both have to LIKE the people at least, but it doesn't have to go to friendship. In the way I define true friends, someone is lucky to get three in a lifetime.

[bear_n_bunny]

Originally posted by fun_pairTX
I should clarify a bit. We both have to LIKE the people at least, but it doesn't have to go to friendship. In the way I define true friends, someone is lucky to get three in a lifetime.

Maybe it should be changed to good sexual aquaintences because you are right Fun_pairTX, true friends are rare. However, I've found since I've been with Bear, the chemistry needed to feel that immediated sexual attraction is pretty much focused on him. So I need something to spark with another couple and enough time to have a few laughs and some serious flirting is required.
-- Bunny

[BodyScape02]

We prefer to "hook up" with people we would like and be friends with. Whether or not we actually become true "friends" is not relevant, we just have a need to be able to like and respect the people we choose as our partners. There has to be more than just a physical attraction for us. We couldn't have sex with people we didn't like or know on a friendly basis. While some couples are fine with having sex with people they know nothing about, that is fine for them, and it’s their choice. Our choice is know people enough before hand to see if we can share our thoughts and humor with them. If this means it takes longer to "get busy" so be it. We are perfectly happy to be with just each other until things "click" with others.

[Quin]

I like it both ways. I belong to a circle of 40-50 couples (many of whom have been in just as long as I have 20+ years) and there are many friendships there. In fact, two of the couples are probably my closest friends on earth outside of my best friend. Anyhow, we all have sex....there's a function going on almost every weekend hosted by couples within the group.

I also like going to an on-premise club, eventually having sex with some people I know and some I don't. I can't count how many times after sex I've asked, 'And your name is?'

A friend within my *circle* owns a business and has a huge warehouse of which his business only occupies around 35% of. So one weekend he had a GloryHole Party (think that's what he called it, it's been a few years). His wife and him belong to several *circles* and invited people from all the circles. He had partitioned off 50% of the warehouse and built these rows of booths, 10 rows of 10 I believe it was...anyhow, it was fun going from booth to booth, not knowing who was in the booth on either side to you (you weren't allowed to look in the holes to see) and either giving blow jobs, getting eaten or having sex thru the holes. They did have it set up very nice and had a common area that was carpeted with couches, chairs...a few sex swings, pillows etc and many people were there having sex also. That couple has had many parties there and eventually just converted it to their 'lil warehouse of sin' and have regular parties there. I had to miss their last GloryaHole party. But I was sure I didn't miss their annual BDSM party last March.

Quin
()()

[JnCinOH]

Did you start out seeking to have sex with other people and if a friendship came from it great if not then that was ok too

We have found that it is more likely for friendships to blossom after sexual encounter(s) than vice versa. In fact, our experience has been, with some rare exceptions, that couples who emphasize "friendship first" are generally those couples who are still ambivalent about the sex question and are just biding time in hopes that the reluctanct partner will "cum around." This sometimes leads to uncomfortable situations. Our policy now is to just avoid these couples and leave the drama to others.