New Relationship - why does he want to swing?

05-24-2002, 07:14 PM

My partner and I have been dating for just 5 months. The sex is incredible for both of us. We still are very passionate about each other and have sex many times a day. He is very eager for us to start swinging(he has swung before...me-never). I can't understand if everything is so hot right now how he could want anyone else...His reply is 'variety is the spice of life', 'it is just for fun'. Does this make sense to you or am I being overly sensitive. Everything I read about swinging usually starts with 'when things need spicing up...' well nothing needs spicing up right now...we are still busy finding out what each other likes in bed. I would really appreciate any comments.

Cheekyimp1 · 05-24-2002, 07:38 PM

It sounds like the two of you need to communicate. You have to tell him how you feel. If you're not ready for it then you're not ready. When you swing as a couple it's because both of you want it, not just him. Good luck luv.

**Alura** · 05-24-2002, 09:58 PM

Well, Donna, he may indeed be too eager. On the other hand, had we known each other better, our first play experience with another couple would have been on our second date. Our sex is still as hot as it was then, just not as often.

Remember that he is asking you to play. When you were single, did you never go to bed with a guy just 'cause you felt like getting laid? That's a whole different thing from "making love." If you can't yet separate the two and understand the difference, y'all need to get to know each other a whole lot better before you consider playing.

And please take the advice, "Don't let him talk you into anything you're not ready for."

Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk...

Alura

Donna & Joe · 06-07-2002, 04:00 PM

thanks for the input...guess my problem is that I see sex as lovemaking and want to reserve that for the person that I love...I find it hard to imagine (because I have never been in this situation) not feeling jealousy over seeing my loved one having sex with someone other than myself...no I am not ready...I told him when we first discussed it that it would not be something I would be willing to do until I was secure in our relationship...

[ 06-07-2002, 04:07 PM: Message edited by: DevilishDonna ]

youngswingers · 06-07-2002, 11:07 PM

Tell him that swinging is not something you are interested in at all... and see how he reacts. While that seems harsh, we come across too many women in your position who get into it before they should and end up in tears (quite literally). When you are ready, you'll know and then you can initiate the next move!

incommunicado · 06-30-2002, 11:31 PM

Perhaps this will help with your prespective...

We have had a hot sex life for 10 years. Swinging for us, which evolved through scattered encounters with friends over the years, is an extension of our love for each other and desire for each other to feel pleasure.

For us it's NOT about the variety, it's about the gift of shared freedom and pleasure. When someone else is having sex with him, they are your proxy. When someone else is having sex with you, that person is his proxy. Sex does not stop being an expression of love between you. It remains that, whether you are alone or with friends. But it does stop being a tool of possession. The physical act, when held up to the light of day, loses at least some of its power as something that can control or hurt. This is easier and harder, because you have to give up a lot of control and have a lot of faith in the depth of each others feelings.

Now...about his eagerness...

Of course he's eager. He wants to do something he enjoyed before and thinks you will enjoy it too and, you quite possibly would. There's nothing wrong with his eagerness. But, you are correct to acknowledge that it's too soon. Be a couple for a while (how ever long "a while" is). Build real trust and confidence in each other and in the relationship.

Swinging will still be here when/if you are ready.

Donna & Joe · 10-30-2002, 11:23 PM

Thought I would come back and share what has happened since my last post. I have had my FIRST experience. It was a pretty incredible MFM and I was ready to do it again as soon as it was over. The next day we went to an onsite swingers club and I had fun again. Now I am the one wanting to "play" and he is the one holding back. Says he is content with just me. We are hoping to have a MFMF soon. We have been in contact with a couple and will meet them in the next month. I want to go back to the club in Kitchener. What a concept! All gathered to have sex! And the women have COMPLETE control!!!!! MY kind of place.... [Tongue]

ciscosv · 10-31-2002, 10:03 AM

quote:
Originally posted by Donna & Joe:
[QBNow I am the one wanting to "play" and he is the one holding back.)[/QB]

This is pretty funny to me. Sometimes men may not realize what can happen when their woman throws sexual repression out the door after having a taste of sexual freedom. How is he dealing with this now that you have had the taste? Do you want alot more?

Just curious. Glad to hear that it is all worked out!

Donna & Joe · 11-08-2002, 11:56 PM

To be brutally honest, I figured the only way to keep him from wanting to swing was by actually doing it. So I waited until I was ready to try....and I gave it my best shot. For one exceptionally long weekend, he had the "perfect partner". What he may not have anticipated was one how desirable I would be to other men, or how jealous he would become when seeing other men being intimate with me. I threw caution to the wind and we had a "no rules" weekend of pleasure. I thought it would take longer for him to realize that he didn't need to swing when he would never find a partner as compatible or adventurous as the one he already had. I did have fun,(not as much as I could have--but he doesn't know that). Funny how now I am the one pushing the swinging and he is the one saying he doesn't need it. I really prefer for us to stay exclusive especially at this time in our relationship; but he NEEDS to know it as well. So he is having all of his fantasies fulfilled and really not enjoying them....for shame, for shame....I have told him since that this is what I am doing, but I don't think he quite believes that I would go this far to prove he already had more lover than he could handle. It'll be interesting to see what transpires with this couple that we have been e-mailing for so long. Will let you know. [evil]

He didn't know just what he was going to get when he started pushing so hard....BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!!!! [rofl]

OhioCouple · 11-09-2002, 08:15 AM

I am going to be candid here based on all the info you have relayed. You are swinging for all the wrong reasons. It appears that you are attemting to spark a jealousy as opposed to enhancing your relationship. That is just wrong.

Have you thought about the people you are "using" to obtain your goal? Where do they fit in other than an instrument to prove a point? If they are true swingers, how are they going to feel if they found out they were used?

Based on your last post, what you are doing here is "cheating". It doesn't matter that your s/o was present, you are cheating...cheating those you bedded with, your s/o by being less than honest and yourself. Why yourself? Because you are unable to be open and honest with your boyfriend after 10 months and unless you can find a way to correct that, you'll never have a satisfying relationship. You'll never know love in it truest form.

Swinging is not about deceptiveness (at least not what I have experienced) it is about being openness, honesty, enhancement and sharing with each other if you are a couple. If you do not want to swing, you need to be brutally honest with him and not play head games with him or the innocent people that you are using to obtain your goals. Be fair to all concerned here and put a halt to this now.

Wishing you the best,

Lori

sportync · 11-09-2002, 12:30 PM

Glad to hear that you tried it and gald that you enjoyed it, but it should be about the TWO of you enjoying the experience together, not about showing him that he already had the best, so why should he want more. You two can explore a world of fantasies together and grow from those experiences, or you can play head-games to make a point. The choice is up to you, but if you really love this guy, then it seems that his happiness should be important to you. Using your body to make a point seems to me to possibly be a destructive decision on your part when this should be something that could help you two grow together as a couple and enrich the relationship you already have. Sportync

thestars · 11-10-2002, 07:56 AM

Did anyone else notice this?
" My partner and I have been dating for just 5 months. "
This could spell disaster right there. How are they to know one another? As for us we would not go near them with a 10 foot pole....
The couple does not even know each other yet.
With the head games being played, we see this couple headed down the wrong rd.
We hope they both back off and start to learn about one another "guess my problem is that I see sex as lovemaking and want to reserve that for the person that I love...I find it hard to imagine (because I have never been in this situation) not feeling jealousy over seeing my loved one having sex with someone other than myself...no I am not ready...I told him when we first discussed it that it would not be something I would be willing to do until I was secure in our relationship..."

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05-24-2002, 07:14 PM	#1 (permalink)
<DevilishDonna> Guest Posts: n/a	New Relationship - why does he want to swing? My partner and I have been dating for just 5 months. The sex is incredible for both of us. We still are very passionate about each other and have sex many times a day. He is very eager for us to start swinging(he has swung before...me-never). I can't understand if everything is so hot right now how he could want anyone else...His reply is 'variety is the spice of life', 'it is just for fun'. Does this make sense to you or am I being overly sensitive. Everything I read about swinging usually starts with 'when things need spicing up...' well nothing needs spicing up right now...we are still busy finding out what each other likes in bed. I would really appreciate any comments.
<DevilishDonna> Guest Posts: n/a

05-24-2002, 09:58 PM	#3 (permalink)
Alura Just a hick Okie Join Date: May 2001 Posts: 8,136 Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma Status: Widower	Well, Donna, he may indeed be too eager. On the other hand, had we known each other better, our first play experience with another couple would have been on our second date. Our sex is still as hot as it was then, just not as often. Remember that he is asking you to play. When you were single, did you never go to bed with a guy just 'cause you felt like getting laid? That's a whole different thing from "making love." If you can't yet separate the two and understand the difference, y'all need to get to know each other a whole lot better before you consider playing. And please take the advice, "Don't let him talk you into anything you're not ready for." Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk... Alura
	__________________ "They may call me a rube and a hick, but I'd a lot rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it." —Will Rogers

10-31-2002, 10:03 AM	#8 (permalink)
ciscosv Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Apr 2002 Posts: 755 Location: Redford, Michigan Status: Married Couple	quote: Originally posted by Donna & Joe: [QBNow I am the one wanting to "play" and he is the one holding back.)[/QB] This is pretty funny to me. Sometimes men may not realize what can happen when their woman throws sexual repression out the door after having a taste of sexual freedom. How is he dealing with this now that you have had the taste? Do you want alot more? Just curious. Glad to hear that it is all worked out!
	__________________ M&M Melts in your mouth, not in your hand

11-08-2002, 11:56 PM	#9 (permalink)
Donna & Joe Registered Join Date: Apr 2002 Posts: 3 Location: canada	To be brutally honest, I figured the only way to keep him from wanting to swing was by actually doing it. So I waited until I was ready to try....and I gave it my best shot. For one exceptionally long weekend, he had the "perfect partner". What he may not have anticipated was one how desirable I would be to other men, or how jealous he would become when seeing other men being intimate with me. I threw caution to the wind and we had a "no rules" weekend of pleasure. I thought it would take longer for him to realize that he didn't need to swing when he would never find a partner as compatible or adventurous as the one he already had. I did have fun,(not as much as I could have--but he doesn't know that). Funny how now I am the one pushing the swinging and he is the one saying he doesn't need it. I really prefer for us to stay exclusive especially at this time in our relationship; but he NEEDS to know it as well. So he is having all of his fantasies fulfilled and really not enjoying them....for shame, for shame....I have told him since that this is what I am doing, but I don't think he quite believes that I would go this far to prove he already had more lover than he could handle. It'll be interesting to see what transpires with this couple that we have been e-mailing for so long. Will let you know. He didn't know just what he was going to get when he started pushing so hard....BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!!!!

05-24-2002, 07:38 PM	#2 (permalink)
Cheekyimp1 Here to Stay Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 42 Location: Sarnia, Ontario, Canada	It sounds like the two of you need to communicate. You have to tell him how you feel. If you're not ready for it then you're not ready. When you swing as a couple it's because both of you want it, not just him. Good luck luv.

06-07-2002, 04:00 PM	#4 (permalink)
Donna & Joe Registered Join Date: Apr 2002 Posts: 3 Location: canada	thanks for the input...guess my problem is that I see sex as lovemaking and want to reserve that for the person that I love...I find it hard to imagine (because I have never been in this situation) not feeling jealousy over seeing my loved one having sex with someone other than myself...no I am not ready...I told him when we first discussed it that it would not be something I would be willing to do until I was secure in our relationship... [ 06-07-2002, 04:07 PM: Message edited by: DevilishDonna ]

06-07-2002, 11:07 PM	#5 (permalink)
youngswingers Here to Stay Join Date: Jun 2001 Posts: 98 Location: Austin, TX	Tell him that swinging is not something you are interested in at all... and see how he reacts. While that seems harsh, we come across too many women in your position who get into it before they should and end up in tears (quite literally). When you are ready, you'll know and then you can initiate the next move!

06-30-2002, 11:31 PM	#6 (permalink)
incommunicado Swingers Board Addict Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 198 Location: Baltimore, MD	Perhaps this will help with your prespective... We have had a hot sex life for 10 years. Swinging for us, which evolved through scattered encounters with friends over the years, is an extension of our love for each other and desire for each other to feel pleasure. For us it's NOT about the variety, it's about the gift of shared freedom and pleasure. When someone else is having sex with him, they are your proxy. When someone else is having sex with you, that person is his proxy. Sex does not stop being an expression of love between you. It remains that, whether you are alone or with friends. But it does stop being a tool of possession. The physical act, when held up to the light of day, loses at least some of its power as something that can control or hurt. This is easier and harder, because you have to give up a lot of control and have a lot of faith in the depth of each others feelings. Now...about his eagerness... Of course he's eager. He wants to do something he enjoyed before and thinks you will enjoy it too and, you quite possibly would. There's nothing wrong with his eagerness. But, you are correct to acknowledge that it's too soon. Be a couple for a while (how ever long "a while" is). Build real trust and confidence in each other and in the relationship. Swinging will still be here when/if you are ready.

10-30-2002, 11:23 PM	#7 (permalink)
Donna & Joe Registered Join Date: Apr 2002 Posts: 3 Location: canada	Thought I would come back and share what has happened since my last post. I have had my FIRST experience. It was a pretty incredible MFM and I was ready to do it again as soon as it was over. The next day we went to an onsite swingers club and I had fun again. Now I am the one wanting to "play" and he is the one holding back. Says he is content with just me. We are hoping to have a MFMF soon. We have been in contact with a couple and will meet them in the next month. I want to go back to the club in Kitchener. What a concept! All gathered to have sex! And the women have COMPLETE control!!!!! MY kind of place....

11-09-2002, 08:15 AM	#10 (permalink)
OhioCouple Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Dec 2001 Posts: 6,619 Location: Ohio Status: Married Female	I am going to be candid here based on all the info you have relayed. You are swinging for all the wrong reasons. It appears that you are attemting to spark a jealousy as opposed to enhancing your relationship. That is just wrong. Have you thought about the people you are "using" to obtain your goal? Where do they fit in other than an instrument to prove a point? If they are true swingers, how are they going to feel if they found out they were used? Based on your last post, what you are doing here is "cheating". It doesn't matter that your s/o was present, you are cheating...cheating those you bedded with, your s/o by being less than honest and yourself. Why yourself? Because you are unable to be open and honest with your boyfriend after 10 months and unless you can find a way to correct that, you'll never have a satisfying relationship. You'll never know love in it truest form. Swinging is not about deceptiveness (at least not what I have experienced) it is about being openness, honesty, enhancement and sharing with each other if you are a couple. If you do not want to swing, you need to be brutally honest with him and not play head games with him or the innocent people that you are using to obtain your goals. Be fair to all concerned here and put a halt to this now. Wishing you the best, Lori
	__________________ Remember that human beings are complicated creatures. We like our bedtime routines but dislike routine in our bed times. - Sallie Foley, M.S.W.

11-09-2002, 12:30 PM	#11 (permalink)
sportync Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 232 Location: eastern north carolina	Glad to hear that you tried it and gald that you enjoyed it, but it should be about the TWO of you enjoying the experience together, not about showing him that he already had the best, so why should he want more. You two can explore a world of fantasies together and grow from those experiences, or you can play head-games to make a point. The choice is up to you, but if you really love this guy, then it seems that his happiness should be important to you. Using your body to make a point seems to me to possibly be a destructive decision on your part when this should be something that could help you two grow together as a couple and enrich the relationship you already have. Sportync
	__________________ this ain't no dress rehearsal

11-10-2002, 07:56 AM	#12 (permalink)
thestars Here to Stay Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 40 Location: eastern nc Status: couple	Did anyone else notice this? " My partner and I have been dating for just 5 months. " This could spell disaster right there. How are they to know one another? As for us we would not go near them with a 10 foot pole.... The couple does not even know each other yet. With the head games being played, we see this couple headed down the wrong rd. We hope they both back off and start to learn about one another "guess my problem is that I see sex as lovemaking and want to reserve that for the person that I love...I find it hard to imagine (because I have never been in this situation) not feeling jealousy over seeing my loved one having sex with someone other than myself...no I am not ready...I told him when we first discussed it that it would not be something I would be willing to do until I was secure in our relationship..."

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