Are we both being greedy?

[KinkyKat]

Hello Everyone

I have come here in hopes that we can get some direction or advice and I will attempt to make this to the point.

History:

*Met through group sex and casual sex (just us two) and
* Both have had multiple sex partners in our past, and both have had lots of group sex (separate as single people.)
*I ,while still single had sex with him (mfmm ) and as time went on We became great friends and lovers for over 7 yrs. now.
*Both of us like to have the excitement of new experiences sexually, Although we just can't come to the agreement of how.
*I enjoy mfm or mmf , he enjoys fmf or mff.
*I really do not much of any desire to be with him and another woman.
*He says that if I give to him what he wants first fmf , then I can have my mfm with him second.

He is firm that when we first met (didn't know each other outside the bedroom) that I have aready had my mfm with him and now 7 yrs later I owe it to him to participate in a fmf with him.
He says that I am not going to 'get' what I want until he gets his first basically.
He make comments like its never going to happen and that you ony live once and what am I waiting for and why don't I set it up(fmf)
He says that I do not have the confidence to attract a woman and all I can attract is butchy woman , not a hot one cause I am so insecure.

ok

So to sum it up I feel that I am being made to feel that I owe it to him and that our swinging adventures will never be a shared experience, cause I feel that I would be taking one for the team.

Are we both being greedy?
We do want each other to have fun!

I suggested that we meet a couple first or maybe we should swing separately or just a big group

I know we should just forget about it, because we both have different views.

Thanks for listening and if anyone has been in a simular circumstances and worked it out,I will share it with him to read too.

bye for now,

kk

[flkeyscouple]

I don't think anyone should ever 'take one for the team'. Have you considered finding a couple and the four of you can do a bunch of arrangements? FMF, MFM, MFFM, etc. However, if we were the couple you'd want to be with and we knew the situation, we wouldn't want to be involved - too much drama for us.

Good luck.

Sarah

[Gladiola4u]

Originally Posted by flkeyscouple

I don't think anyone should ever 'take one for the team'. Have you considered finding a couple and the four of you can do a bunch of arrangements? FMF, MFM, MFFM, etc. However, if we were the couple you'd want to be with and we knew the situation, we wouldn't want to be involved - too much drama for us.

Good luck.

Sarah

Dito

[daisy girl]

Sounds like he is trying to manipulate you into doing something you don't feel comfortable doing.

[sexyshelby]

Dito to all above.

You need to have a serious talk with him about this situation. It seems to me that he is being childish and selfish, and maybe you are a little too? Do some thinking about what you both really want out of this relationship and decide what is the most important: sexual freedom or your relationship.

~SS

[knottyboi]

Personally, he sounds like a dick. Why should he go "first" anyway? Maybe he should get his FMF with two other women and you should get your MFM with two other men, especially if neither one of you want the arrangement the other is desiring.

Also, as a person who thinks butches are hot, that's damned insulting that he says you are too insecure to actually attract hot women. In my experience, it takes a lot more self-confidence to actually go after those butch women (and all butch women aren't the stereotypical mullet and flannel-wearing rednecks!) than straight-looking feminine Barbies.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by KinkyKat

... I feel that I am being made to feel that I owe it to him and that our swinging adventures will never be a shared experience, cause I feel that I would be taking one for the team.

That about sums it up. You have already answered your own question.

[prettylady]

Originally Posted by knottyboi

(and all butch women aren't the stereotypical mullet and flannel-wearing rednecks!) than straight-looking feminine Barbies.

I resemble that remark.

Although flannel is my material of choice on a cold winters night, I don't walk around looking like a Lumberjack.
I am a self concious female, tiny, cute, wide eyed, innocent. But I can kick the Sh** out of anyone who gets in the ring with me.
Don't fret my friend, there are butchy women who are beautiful.
But that is completly irrelevent here.
Your confidence is not going to improve with your man telling you crap like that.
Something is going to give here and that is not good. Someone is going to do something they are going to regret and girlfriend it is looking like it is going to be you.
take it from me, regrets suck. I have plenty(the whole ex husband beating you down until you think you are good for nothing kinda thing).
Stand your ground now because if you give into his desires with out fulfilling yours then he "owns" your ass.
Keep in mind there is always a little give and take in a relationship, but this does not feel like one of those times.
I like the idea of a couple swing, then everyone can have what they want that very day.
No harm no foul.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[KinkyKat]

Hello,

Thank you everyone for your replies, you have helped me to re-think and also acknowledge that I did answer my own question!
I am lacking confidence in my own judgement and decisions cause yes ,too dramatic for me too and gets stressful as well. I just thought I'd put my senerio out there to get perspective.

I know that our 'relationship' will more than likely not be able to enjoy the fun of swinging together or apart and still be committed to each other.

Actually the way that I have been treated in our attempts and conversations does not lead to me to feel warm & fuzzy. I attempted to have several woman join us but really my heart wasn't in it cause I was feeling pressured to 'pick-op and felt that that was only for his benefit.and therefore they probably picked up on it.

Actually I did enjoy doing some kissing and flirting with those few women, but then he wasn't too pleased that they were not 'hot' and they were more interested in just me. See I must be mixed up cause I would be into being with a woman alone before sharing with him cause I think I may be critisized.

I do feel guilty that I am being greedy, and it does require 'give & take' even though I heard that you must give first ,it doesn't apply to 'us'

[sexcupid]

Maybe I'm just evil, but I would be of the mind to tell him to f*ck off. *lmao*


Seriously though, if you have tried to set up the scenario he wants and is not happy with the women you have picked then maybe he needs to pick. Of course, he basically insulted you by saying you aren't confident enough/hot enough to pick up someone he thinks is hot...well, I would then still be inclined to respond the same way as the beginning of this message.

You should be made to feel like you "owe" someone something. My SO and I have had that conversation a few times. If you are willing to do something for me (ie: MMF or MMMMMMMMF ) I do not want to be made to feel like after it's over with, that I now "owe" you the same experience.

You all might be better playing separately, if at all.

Good luck!

Maria

[catslaughing]

/honest opinion on
I think you should tell him to go to hell. if he objects, tell him to FOAD.
/honest opinion off

[Cpl2share]

A mans opinion here:

Tell him to F*** himself. We all are a bit greedy when it comes to life, but he is stepping over the line. I love Mrs. Cpl. and would not consider giving her this type of "ultimatum". If it were truly about the two of you (as swinging is suppose to be) then he would be willing to share the enjoyment. I think that he is just being possesive and does not deserve a woman who is as open as you appear to be.

[ANGEDKY(mr)]

You sound like you're beat down on the inside.........

[ohash01]

To be completely honest with you, I see only 2 truly good and safe options here:

1) Forget the swinging...either forever...or until he grows the hell up. Which - could be never. Whenever he brings it up, you just need to say "no way, jose! We're done for now." And be sure he knows that he has stressed you out to the point of not wanting to swing anymore.

2) Forget HIM. Move on.

From what you said, he seems to be a very controlling individual. What if he switches from just being controlling about the swinging to trying to be controlling about everything?

Being with another woman can be absolutely wonderful...but ONLY if you're into that. If you're not, then don't do it. Not for him. You'll only feel like crap afterwards.

[sereneiders]

I don't feel I have enough grounds to provide advice here... moreover, that most of the swingers who started as a vanilla couple whose relatiohsip evolved into swinging have so few in common with a relationship where both parties meet engaging in grupal recreational sex (thus, both know each other may have the right to turn swinging into a requirement for the relationship to work, as opposed as what happens when you start as a vanilla couple where such a requirement would be an off topic), as to be able to extrapolate our experiences.

But...

Originally Posted by knottyboi

Personally, he sounds like a dick. Why should he go "first" anyway?

I agree. "He sounds like a dick", however, what we have here is the way the OP makes him sound, and we're not hearing both bells here. The point is, if he were sounding like a dick so often, then... why hey have a 7 years old relationship togheter?

It doesn't seems to me that a relationship where both were entitled to have sex with others from the scratch would allow any of them to impose restrictions on those meetings, nor to act too childish wich each other, as to "ask to go first", unless there were something else in the background we're not being aware of.

So, the question Why should he go "first" anyway? remains, but it is a genuine one, perhaps from someone who one way or another is feeling he already took one -or many- for the team and is stepping over the brake to set up a limit (so, the OP could be looking for an argument to overcome this limit?).

So, KinkyKat, why do you think he's asking to go "first" anyway?