Are women who swing pressured into it?

[JustDave]

Hi, I have posted here not too long ago asking for advice or insight. I have brought up the topic of swinging with my wife. We had a very open and lenghty conversation in regards to swinging. Where we left it off was that my wife is of the very strong belief that sex is associated with love therefore she could never have casual sex with another person, man or woman. She feels that the majority of women also associate sex with love. I don't mean to open pandoras box but she feels that most of the women who swing or live in the lifestyle are probably doing it because they feel pressured from their SO, or are afraid of losing their SO or are unsatisfied somehow in their relationship or unsatisfied sexually. She feels that men have a much easier time because they can disassociate sex from love. It will probably be difficult to get open honest responses from the ladies on this but I wanted to at least try. I'm not trying to pressure her or change her mind but wanted her to see some other opinions.

[flkeyscouple]

Each person is different, and I can understand her feelings, but I don't share them. I can separate sex from love. I am FAR from pressured to be in the lifestyle. I enjoy it, truly enjoy it. I am very much in love with my husband and I have NO loving feelings towards any of the partners and playmates that we've had. I have a lot of 'hot' feelings - sexual only. But not anything loving.

I don't know another way to say it - but there is a huge difference, for me, between sex and love. I've never 'made love' with a playmate or partner, but I do have sex with my husband, ALONG with making love with my husband.

Hope that makes sense.

Sarah

[JustAskJulie]

I KNOW that there are cases where one partner swings because the other has pressured them, but I also know that it's not always the man doing the pressuring.

That said, I can tell you that I began swinging not because of any pressure from my SO and I continued to swing after he was out of my life. I brought it up to my current partner and I was happy to find that he was open to exploring.

[NJCouple]

When I was young, naive, inexperienced etc, I linked sex with love and could only have sex if I felt I was in love. I have, however, learned to seperate sex with someone other than my spouse as just sex. First, it took a strong relationship with my husband and then strong self-confidence. It is impossible to swing without complete trust in your spouse and yourself. An analogy that works for me is that I can get pleasure from a vibrator. I'm certainly not in-love with my vibrator. Another person is just a much better sex toy, one that you don't keep in the nightstand. LOL. Sex with my husband will always be special because of the bond of love, but we both enjoy giving each other pleasure and one way to do so is to share with others. Everyone has different philosophies on sex with others and the most important thing is to keep an open, non-judgemental mind. She should not change her philosophy because of pressure from others, but she should be open to others having differing ideas that are not wrong. When you look at things with an open mind, you may or may not change your opinion, but you will be wiser for having examined the issue.
Regards,
Sharon

[TNT]

Originally Posted by JustDave

It will probably be difficult to get open honest responses from the ladies on this but I wanted to at least try.

Naw...that won't be difficult at all . Why do you think it would be difficult? Do you also think that the women who are involved in swinging are being pressured to do so and therefore would not voice an honest answer?

I've NEVER felt pressured to swing and I've NEVER been afraid that I would lose Ted if I didn't. He was the one that brought it up but he was also a little shocked that I said yes so quickly. Neither of us were dissatisfied with our relationship or our sex life...just the opposite, it's because our relationship and sex life were so GREAT that we were able to swing.

Your wife might never be able to wrap her mind around swinging and that's okay...swinging is NOT for everyone. However, what she believes about women who are into swinging, simply isn't true for the majority of us.


Teresa

[graygo98]

Hi Dave,

Sorry I can't give you the fem perspective. And the posts above give you some pretty powerful insights. My wife and I thought that this post of Intuition's, which touches on some of your wife's questions, was also a really worthwhile read.

http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/...977#post261977

You should suggest to your wife that she read it, as well as the thread you have started here. While she has the right to feel or believe whatever she thinks is right for her, she might be interested in what some other very bright and articulate, as well as exceptionally self-aware, women have said on the subject.

[LFM2]

I can seriously see why your wife would feel that way. I felt that same exact way at one time, as well. Seriously though, I've "grown and matured" and I have to admit that I've grown as a person who is more self-confident. I've built more self-esteem in myself and I really do not have a problem sharing myself or having my husband share himself because after all, it really is just sex. Never, have I felt pressured to live a lie in this lifestyle. It's fun and it feels good, but there is not one little teeny-weeny iota of loving emotion that passes between us and our playmates. Sure, we're friends with them, and we like them, but we don't have to love them in order to play with them. It's a whole different story when my husband and I are alone.

There is a matter of trust between us, and we have the utmost trust and respect for each other. There is a bond between my husband and I that we both feel can't be broken. We are a team and we travel as one. I don't know if I can explain to you how much I love him and how great our sex life is, but it's just there, and like Teresa said, this is why we got into the lifestyle. I want to see him happy, and I want him to explore is fantasies. This in turn pleases me and he wants the same thing for me.

On the other hand, if one of us wanted to quit tomorrow, neither one of us would feel cheated out of anything.

[ohash01]

I have never once been pressured by J. It's always been just as much my decision as his. I also have the ability to differentiate sex and love. You can most definately have both at the same time, but I don't think you need to love to have sex. Sex is physical. Love is emotional. Now - I'm not putting down your wife...some people just dont get enough enjoyment out of non-intimate sex to consider it. She may be one of them.

[gatorvol64]

Nope, no pressure at all. That is my honest answer. Yes, he brought the subject up (though that isn't always the case). But, if I didn't want to do this, it would have stayed a fantasy for him to share with me. A fantasy I never minded hearing and never felt I had to make come true. A fantasy that I didn't really understand at first and wondered why? And what would be the point? I did want to understand so, we talked about it. One day a light bulb came on for me and I went .

It really is simple for us when you get down to the nitty gritty of it. We want to see each other happy. If that means bringing others into our sex life well, we do. Could we both live without it? Sure we could. We love each other, are very happy together, and we DO have a great sex life without swinging. Nothing lacking in this relationship. Do we love any of the playmates we've been with? No, not one. Are we friends with some of them? Yes, and feel lucky we can be. But I'll tell you there is love floating around when we play. Our love for each other is always there. I'm a very lucky woman to have the kind of man my husband is. Our first experience was a threesome. With another man (not what I feel some would have imagined). I think that shows somewhat that I wasn't pressured. His #1 priority was not for him but for me (and a grateful woman went home with him that night).

Swinging may never be something your wife is comfortable with and there isn't a thing wrong with that. Just, no matter what comes about for the two of you, it would be nice for her to understand that a lot of us have felt no pressure at all from out SO.

Vol

[Mr. Truelove]

I brought up the topic originally to my wife. But she ran with it. Seriously I started putting on the brakes after I told her.

It took me about 6 months to become comfortable enough to go to our first activity. She was ready from the get go. So definitely no pressure from me.

Mr. Truelove

[wdc_couple]

Ours was the opposite. My wife was more "experienced" than I was when we got married, mainly because she did separate sex and love and I did not. We slowly went into swinging (after over 10 years of being married), I now separate the two, and we both enjoy it very much. It makes sex with each other even better, and even though we were still very flirty with each other prior to swinging (to the jealousy of some of her vanilla girlfriends and the dismay of some of their husbands), we are even more flirty with each other now. Go figure.

[cubnamy1995]

Originally Posted by wdc_couple

Ours was the opposite. My wife was more "experienced" than I was when we got married, mainly because she did separate sex and love and I did not. We slowly went into swinging (after over 10 years of being married), I now separate the two, and we both enjoy it very much. It makes sex with each other even better, and even though we were still very flirty with each other prior to swinging (to the jealousy of some of her vanilla girlfriends and the dismay of some of their husbands), we are even more flirty with each other now. Go figure.

I could not have said it better. This is almost exactly how it was for us too. When she & I first got together, I thought two girls having sex was wrong (OMG! I was mentally ill!) It was so bad back then, that I was actually a republican! She actually had a guy come up to her a few years back, who said, "remember when we hooked up?" She had gotten laid a couple of times in college that she didn't even remember.

Needless to say, she showed me the path, and turned me to the dark side of the force. To this very day, I still can't remember why it was such a big deal to me before.

[WesternSwing]

Mrs. WS and I had discussed swinging as fantasies before we ever got into it, which was quite by accident really. In the past we had discussed the "what if" situations with people we knew. The "would you ever think of...?" But, it remained just fantasy talk between us and we never really took it seriously until at a party a woman asked if she could kiss Mrs. WS.

It was the first woman Mrs. WS had ever kissed and it opened-up a whole new world for her. She loved it. We hung-out with this couple throughout the night and became friends. At the time Mrs. WS and I didn't even know it was called "swinging" but we decided we'd like to pursue it further with this couple so Mrs. WS could explore her new-found sexuality, and we did about a month later. Mrs. WS was driving the bus, I was just a lucky passenger along for the ride.

It took-off from there. That was three years ago. And we are still good friends with that first couple.

So you can see that, no, Mrs. WS was not pressured into it at all. When the time was right we were both excited about it happening. There was not "convincing" the other one to try it.

I guess that's the great thing about being on the same page in your relationship, huh? Or at least not being threatened by each other's fantasies so that they are free to openly express them to you.

I think another thing to is that Mrs. WS didn't come into our relationship having never slept with anyone but me and her ex-husband. She'd had lovers and boyfriends and one-night-stands, therefore she didn't associate sex with love, or having to be "in love" with someone to have sex with them.

Mr. WS

[JustDave]

I've gotten really great responses from all of you. I really appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts and experience. I think what it comes down to with my wife and I is that we view swinging very differently and I think it's because I could disassociate sex with love where at this partucular time she is unable to do that. Maybe I'll bring up the topic to her again in the future, after she's had time to think about our conversations, to see if she has changed her opinion at all. If she never changes her opinion I'm OK with that. I was looking at swinging as just another way to spice things up for us after being married for 28 years. Thanks again.

[ts4]

Were pretty new to the swinging lifestyle and do not openly go to club's and meetings to find strangers in the night. We found friends that have the same thought's we do but it took nearly 10 years to find it. My wife and i jointly brought up swinging together many years ago but she's not into just finding anyone to play with. We had the perfect scenario happen to us. We ended up with friends we have been jointly attracted to for years and from the first experience it's been a hell of a ride. But it all came about because we love each other and when the idea grew so did we. There isn't a day or night that i do not tell my wife how much i love her. We have a lot of fun playing with these people but in the end it is strictly flat out sex. Before anything happened both sides of the equation discussed there joint love for there spouses and non of us have any intention of changing that. ONCE you get the communication down the ride is a hell of a lot funner.

Like you've seen throughout this site communication is the key.

Back to your original question neither of us feel's pressured since we discuss everything together. I'm in agreement that if one of us said no tomorrow it would be all over. Thank god i do not see that happening.