Did you "need" to swing?

[gatewaychuck]

Many couples have said the reason they started to swing was "to spice up an already good sex life." I find that after 15 years of monagamous marriage my sex life has become very routine. I found myself fantasizing about other women when I was making love to my wife almost all the time for the past 5 years or so. I'm now at the point where even though I love my wife, I find it more of a pressure to make love in that I don't want to hurt her feelings if I don't cum and it's pretty hard to fake! I brought up swinging to her a few years ago and she was pretty much not into it at all. She did agree to go to a "beginners night" at a local club but we did not do anything other than dance provacitively. We did make love that night and I was still on the club "rush", it was wonderful. My wife was very uncomfortable in the club while I felt as though I was among "my people" LOL. I have had the opportunity to "cheat" but I havn't done so. I really don't think I could cheat in that guilt would prevent any enjoyment. My wife has said that I should just "go out and have sex but realize that even though I won't divorce you, our sex live will be over except for cuddleing." I"m pretty sure this is just a test for me. In any event, how many of you feel that if you had not started swinging, a level of "frustration" would have occurred that would have impacted your marriage?

[Amanda69]

Sorry no I don't think that would have happened. There was nothing wrong with my relationship when I started to swing. Swinging simply enhanced what was already working at the time.

Swinging should not be about fixing something in your relationship. Fix first, swing later....

[good times]

I agree with Amanda, swinging isn't about fixing what is wrong with your sex life, it is good for enhancing a good sex life though. We were married 18 years when we started swinging and had a great sex life when we started. Had we not had a good sex life when we started I am fairly sure swinging would have made our relationship worse or it might have even destroyed it.

If you have a problem with your sex life, then I would suggest you fix that before you even consider whether you want to swing or not.

[gatewaychuck]

Let me add a bit more, my wife and I are best friends and 100% compatable in all other ways. Are there others who feel that noncheating nonmonagamy is necessary for their emotional and sexual good health?

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by gatewaychuck

Let me add a bit more, my wife and I are best friends and 100% compatable in all other ways. Are there others who feel that noncheating nonmonagamy is necessary for their emotional and sexual good health?

I don't. Swinging could be compared to something like wine. If drunk in moderation and added to an already fine meal, it's a real enhancement to your dinner. Red wine should be considered a health food if you ask me! But there's a big difference between a glass or two of wine, and chugging an entire magnum on your own...then passing out in a puddle of your own puke. "Needing" to swing is like "needing" to drink. It's not supposed to be a crutch.

My husband and I have a few years of swinging experience, but we've actually gone back to a monogamous lifestyle for the past 2 1/2 years due to life circumstances. It has not had any ill effects on our marriage or our sex life. Sure we miss it, but we certainly don't "need" it.

Yeah, I think your wife was testing you. She's really NOT okay with the idea of non-monogamy, and she's not just teasing you.

Originally Posted by Mrs._gatewaychuck

go out and have sex but realize that even though I won't divorce you, our sex live will be over except for cuddleing

Ahem...

Allow me to translate:

"go out and have sex" = Make your choice: your dick or my feelings.
"but realize that even though I won't divorce you" = I'm taking the high road by being more devoted to this marriage than you are, obviously, and if you do this...
"our sex live will be over except for cuddleing." = I'll make sure you REGRET it every day of the rest of your life until death do us fucking part.

I don't know the woman, but I've been where she is. It would've been what I had meant by her statement.

The only way you're going to make this work for either of you? Is to completely forget about your own sexual gratification and focus entirely on her. And when I say forget it, I mean EXPECT NOTHING IN RETURN. Right now, you're focusing on your wants; she knows that, and by doing so, you are choosing yourself over her. Not exactly something that sweeps a girl off her feet if you know what I mean.

[girlsnboys]

Dang, Intuition, dropping the science as usual! And personally, she's right. You should spice up your own sex life first and not look to swinging right now. Otherwise you'll be living in the doghouse.

Sounds like going to a club really did it for you....was it that others found you and your wife attractive sexually? If so you can explore this side together w/out swinging. Like roleplaying etc. Meet her at a bar one night and pretend you're strangers, or get her a fancy toy that makes her toes curl. Get a liberator, or check out some new porn. Or maybe you're a kama sutra/tantra guy who wants to see how long he can go w/out cumming....See where I 'm heading with this? Make hot, sweaty, monkey love with your wife the #1 priority, and you too will reap the rewards facelick

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by gatewaychuck

Are there others who feel that noncheating nonmonagamy is necessary for their emotional and sexual good health?

I am pretty sure there are people that feel this way - and I suppose that if it does work for you as a couple, then it is a good enough reason to swing. If swinging is something you can both agree to as a little extra "glue" to keep things together, that is fine. As long as it is on top of the table and no one gets hurt - who's to define why you should or should not do it?

Like the rest of the posters, I can't relate to a "need" to swing. Our swinging is based on an overly-satisfying sex life.

Spoomonkey

[EvilMJ]

I don't need to swing. Swinging is strickly something we do for fun and excitement. It's like skydiving or bungee jumping - it's fun, it has risks and a certain level of danger, but in the end it is just a past time to a life we already find exciting.

When we got into swinging there was nothing missing, we were happy with our sex lives and we loved each other. There were times when things got 'routine' but I found that usually only happened when stress levels were high, in the spring we work long hours and just get too damned tired. But we would evenutally step back and think, "hey what can we do to spice things up a bit". Sometimes it was a romantic dinner, candles, back rub or sometimes it was throwing on a porn movie and doing some of the things they did on the tv. In the end we got back what was missing due to outside factors by taking the time and working at it.

We have taken breaks from swinging and during those times I didn't miss it.

In the end I love my husband, sex is always best with him becuase he knows my body better than anyone, knows what I like, I trust him and I can be myself with him. After all he's the poor guy who has to look at me when I am schlepping around the house in my rattiest jammies, hair a mess, and grumpy on a Saturday morning when our son has woken me up too early. If he can survive that and still want to have sex, then Damn...the man will always be number one in my book.

Intuition hit the nail on the head when she translated your wife's comments so I will leave that one alone.

I don't think swinging is going to solve your problems, in fact I think it will blow them up to three times their size. I think you need to take some time and find out why you don't want to have sex with your wife any more, and what you need to do to make things better. Swinging certainly won't do that.

[good times]

Originally Posted by gatewaychuck

Let me add a bit more, my wife and I are best friends and 100% compatable in all other ways. Are there others who feel that noncheating nonmonagamy is necessary for their emotional and sexual good health?

No, not for us. As Spoomonkey said, their probably are some that feel this way, but it doesn't seem workable in the long run to me.

My guess is, if someone is bored with their sex life with their wife, it won't be long and they would be bored with swinging. At least that is how it seems to me, I enjoy sex with others but the sex I have with my wife is always far better than any I have yet experienced while swinging.

[JustAskJulie]

I realize you asked a question here but I want to comment on what you posted. Sometimes it's not that you need to swing (as in swap or involve yourself with others sexually) but you just need that extra sexual charge. That's what you found when you went to the "beginners night" and then went home and had that "rush" from the surroundings you had left. Perhaps it's not that you are bored of sex with HER but more that you are just bored with the current means of sex with her.

I think that everyone gets to a point eventually where they need to "spice things up". For some people that's just a matter of adding toys to the bedroom, or watching porn, or going out and dancing provocatively in an openly sexual environment.... for others that may be inviting others into the room with you or even asking them to join in the sexual fun. Eventually, I think that every couple is going to need some SPICE... but what that spice is differs for everyone.

You said that your wife didn't mind that night you went to the club and just danced provocatively and you had great sex afterwards. Perhaps you should bring it back up to her and tell her how much you enjoyed that night and perhaps broach the idea of an off-premise social where you can repeat that fun.

[Mike and Jan]

Chuck,

I know that feeling you mentioned feeling at the club.

I've had it numerous times in my life.

I had it the first time I ran away from home and hitch-hiked to Mexico.

I had it the first time I jumped out of an airplane.

I had it several times in the military and several times as a cop.

But I had it best the five times my wife and I were in 'swinging' situations and, like you, I miss it very much.

It wasn't just watching people enjoy their sexuality all around me, but that was nice.

It wasn't just being with someone different, sexually, but that was nice.

It wasn't just watching my wife be with someone esle, but that was very nice.

It was being less than ordinary. Being what I want to be and not what others say is normal.

It was exploring what's available to all but experienced by only the bold.

I like being bold.

But, Chuck, if my wife told me today what you're wife told you I'd have to decline. Without her, I'd only be a single male dating again. And, that just wouldn't be a 'rush' at all.

Hope this helps you, my friend. Keep talking to her like I do my wife and maybe someday we'll both find that common ground with our wives. And all four of us will be happier and more satisfied in our marriages because of it.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by gatewaychuck

Many couples have said the reason they started to swing was "to spice up an already good sex life." I find that after 15 years of monagamous marriage my sex life has become very routine. I found myself fantasizing about other women when I was making love to my wife almost all the time for the past 5 years or so. I'm now at the point where even though I love my wife, I find it more of a pressure to make love in that I don't want to hurt her feelings if I don't cum and it's pretty hard to fake! I brought up swinging to her a few years ago and she was pretty much not into it at all. She did agree to go to a "beginners night" at a local club but we did not do anything other than dance provacitively. We did make love that night and I was still on the club "rush", it was wonderful. My wife was very uncomfortable in the club while I felt as though I was among "my people" LOL. I have had the opportunity to "cheat" but I havn't done so. I really don't think I could cheat in that guilt would prevent any enjoyment. My wife has said that I should just "go out and have sex but realize that even though I won't divorce you, our sex live will be over except for cuddleing." I"m pretty sure this is just a test for me. In any event, how many of you feel that if you had not started swinging, a level of "frustration" would have occurred that would have impacted your marriage?

You HAVE to sit down with your wife and talk about this, asap. This is not something that will just go away. Feelings like this will begin to fester, and eventually you will reach the point where you just can't do it anymore and will either follow through with cheating or will walk out on the marriage. Trust me on this, this is not something you should just pretend is not happening. Number one, is your sex life just in this routine of you do the same thing every time, and you just go on auto pilot because you have done this shit for 15 years sort of thing? Or does your wife just not enjoy sex at all? You know, we women get like this, and if she is just not into sex you need to find out why. Possibly hormones, possibly stress, when we gain weight we get like this alot....there are a number of things. If you are just in a slump change it! Go out and get her some lingerie. Pop in a dirty movie. If you have kids (and having kids can really dampen the sex life) take them to the sitters and have a weekend getaway. You have to deal with this issue though, I promise you that. You also need to come to terms with the fact that she may never warm up to the idea of swinging. Only certain people can do this, TRUST ME...even professed swinging couples find they have issues (please trust me on this one lol). Best of luck to you! Communication is essential.

[She_n_Jaybee]

I know one couple where swinging saved a long, basically happy marriage that was slowly dying from his boredom. She went into it fighting every step of the way. There were a lot of tears on her part. He had decided to go that way and she literally forced herself to follow to save their marriage. It worked and slowly they became swingers and in the process turned their dying sex life into a bonfire.

That's one success story. I know of dozens of failures.

All I can suggest is to find a common turn-on. Think back on those early years and recapture some of that lost passion. Chances are, if you're literally forcing yourself to enjoy sex with her, she's not getting any true enjoyment either.

[apraskov]

Originally Posted by gatewaychuck

My wife was very uncomfortable in the club while I felt as though I was among "my people"

Did you ask her why was she uncomfortable? Maybe she wasn't because you were and she was concerned and she felt that she can no longer satisfy you or your needs (appearance, age, sexual drive, etc.). Unless you take the time to listen to her about what she wants, what she needs and what she is not happy about, I don't think that your relationship will improve. I see that you have already mentioned your needs, so now you have left her dealing with those on top of your diminishing sex life. She can feel your boredom. Mostly due to lack of communications, as already mentioned. Good luck.

[alphaplaycpl]

I echo the sentiments of those that have said that swinging is not a need in our sexual relationship. In fact, Mr. A and I agree the the best sex that we have is when it is just us.

There are plenty of other things that you can do to spice up your sex life. It is of primary importance that if you swing, you have a spicy sex life on your own. Adding confusion to a stressed out sex life is not good.

Besides, being passionate for your partner is one of the most sexy qualities in another couple. If you can't display interest and passion for each other, other couples will simply pass you over. The first test Mr. A and I have when meeting another couple, is observing how they interact with each other. After all, if you don't have chemistry with someone you love, will you really have chemistry with someone else?