Why do I wish to watch my partner have sex with another man

[spooky1]

Hi, I'm brand new to this board but am not a swinger. I am in a long term stock standard relationship, where we are both very sexual with each other. A couple of years ago we somehow got onto the topic of men watching thier partner being fucked by another man, and I was surprised to find I was REALLY excited by the thought of her being with another man while I watched.

I didn't tell her until one day when we were fucking and talking a bit dirty I added in some talk about me organizing a man to come over to fuck her while I sit back and watch. She got right into it and said she wanted to do it, and we both had the best fuck ever.

Now it has got to the stage where I cant stop thinking about it, and just love the thought of her being pleasured by another. To see the pleasure in her eyes and hear her moans while she climaxes. To see the pleasure in his eyes as he caresses and explores her beautiful body. I am not a voyeur as I have no fantasies about watching others or anything, I just love the thought of watching her.

The problem I now have is that I really want to do this, and would love to do it on a regular basis, my partner says she also loves the thought of doing it, but would never really do it, as it's not something that a close loving couple would do. I feel and I have said to her that for some reason I would feel even closer to her if we were having this sexual fun together. I dont want to convince her to do it, however I cant quite explain to her that a loving couple can do this and still thrive in their relationship.

Can any of you please help me to understand why this turns me on so much, and maybe reassure me (or tell me that what I am wanting is plain wrong) maybe some tips to reassure her as well.

Thanks Spooky

[SBcpl]

Why does it turn you on so much? Probably because you're a healthy, pretty normal male. From the summary of some of your discussions whilst having sex, are you sure you haven't spied outside our bedroom window and simply plagiarized our conversations? We had all those same misgivings, but finally acted on our mutual fantasy and have been thoroughly enjoying the most uunimaginably fantstic sex life ever since. If you're curious about how things worked out for us Here's the original account of our adventure.

Have fun and enjoy!
~ B ~

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by spooky1

Can any of you please help me to understand why this turns me on so much, and maybe reassure me (or tell me that what I am wanting is plain wrong) maybe some tips to reassure her as well.

What you are wanting is plain wrong


Ok, just kidding. Most of us on here get turned on seeing our significant others enjoy themselves with others.

Tips? Search the various forums, including Getting Started, as well as doing a search on keywords that pertain to your situation. You'll find many couples started out in a situation very similar to yours.

Oh, and please stop by the Introductions forum and tell us a little more about yourself!

[Chicup]

My guess is she wants to do it but doesn't want to be a 'slut' or maybe ruin what you guys have (in her mind).

If you can convince her how serious you are and how much you would love her for it, she just might.

[spooky1]

Originally Posted by Chicup

My guess is she wants to do it but doesn't want to be a 'slut' or maybe ruin what you guys have (in her mind).

If you can convince her how serious you are and how much you would love her for it, she just might.

Thanks for the input guys I will take a look at yor suggestions. You are right she does want to do it but deos think that this is something a slut would do. I need to find a way to convince her that everything would be fine between us if we did pursue our fantasie.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by spooky1

Thanks for the input guys I will take a look at yor suggestions. You are right she does want to do it but deos think that this is something a slut would do. I need to find a way to convince her that everything would be fine between us if we did pursue our fantasie.

I guess it's all in how you define "slut". The word implies something negative to me, someone who fucks indiscriminately without care or concern for anyone but herself. Not many like that here.

Sounds like your heart is in the right place and she's simply stuck in the same misinformed spot many of us were at one point. It's a long slow learning process, and you are absolutely spot-on with your non-coercive approach; this is something that she must decide in her own mind. As far as this being something that close couples do not do, she couldn't be further from the truth. Of course, a couple will only get out of it what they choose to put into it, and the results, therefore, could be less than happy. But if it is done as an expression of love for each other (as opposed to an attempt to fill an emotional or sexual void between the two), it can indeed promote intimacy and bonding. It does this by forcing communication (either communicate in an honest and vulnerable fashion or your relationship dies!), producing opportunities to newly appreciate your partner from a third party's perspective (we notice that others find our mate sexy, and we suddenly realize all over again...they are!), by giving each other the chance to prove what we said at the altar (that we would always love, cherish, and care for one another by placing each other's happiness above our own, and not allow something as common as sex to interfere with our marriage), and by teaching us why our mate chooses to remain with us even when that one thing we thought most sacred is gone: sexual exclusivity. We find out there's more to our marriage than our ability to retain each other's interest by being "the best" sexual partner.

There are SOOO many threads out there on this. Check the New Swingers forum here, or do a search for keywords like religion, guilt, nervousness, unsure, getting started, talking to your wife, reasons for swinging, cheating, etc. I would definitely bring my wife to this board if I were you, and let her learn about these things for herself. Sure we have our share of...um...strange people here, too Just like any other part of life. But you'll both find the vast majority here are kind and mature, are in loving and committed relationships, and are devoted to living good lives and promoting the same in others.

Sure hope we see you and Mrs. Spooky1 around the board. Please encourage her to post any questions she might have. We're always up for a good discussion.
Welcome to the board!

[SBcpl]

Originally Posted by intuition897

... As far as this being something that close couples do not do, she couldn't be further from the truth ...

I can very honestly say that A and I have never been closer than we've become since we started our MFM adventures. if you're really very close and in-tune now, getting into swinging will probably lead you to improve your communication and make you even closer than you ever thought possible.

~ B ~

[meandher2go]

same here, it brought us closer as well. and how could you not love seeing your girl having fun like that.

[HotMoCpl]

Something that a close loving couple wouldn't do? Hummmmm. I dearly loved my ex when we did it with my buddy. I dearly love my wife of today even more then the last one. I want to share her too. The average guy can get a nut once or twice a night whereas the average woman can get a nut dozens of times. After only one guy most women are just getting warmed up. I think God cursed me to be a man.

[WesternSwing]

You're actually very normal. I've always said Mrs. WS is my favorite pornstar. If we have any problem in swinging it's that we like to watch each other so much it makes it hard to concentrate on our partners. Luckily, many others have the same fantasy and love to watch also, so being involved in forplay while just watching our spouses works both ways.

I can tell that without a doubt swinging has made Mrs. WS and I closer. We definitely appreciate each other more. As Intuition said, removing jealousy from the relationship, and not giving sex any power over it's success or failure has opened-up our communication beyond anything I could have ever imagined. We really understand why it is we married each other. All those things other than sex that really make or break the relationship. Most people are just so focused on the sex, or lack of it, in a relationship that they never see the glue that really binds them. All those "life" things that go on between rolls in the hay. And it's amazing when the jealousy is gone how free you fee to be who you are, to let your spouse be who they are, and to really know that your spouse loves you for who you are and isn't just going to up and leave. It's like a huge weight lifted from you shoulders.

As for feeling like a slut for having sex with others, many go through this. Society, based on thousands of years of puritan thought decrying all basic human instinct as sin, has brainwashed us into believing what their snapshot of a relationship looks like. No sex before marriage, only sex with your spouse, no sex with your spouse except for procreation, no birth control, pray to remove sexual thoughts from your mind. Funny that these canons were decided by men who had taken an oath of celibacy. It's hard to all of a sudden change all this when you've grown-up believing that so-and-so is a slut because she's had sex with four guys before she got married.

Something a close, loving couple wouldn't do? Says who? And why are they telling you that? And who told them that? Get my drift? I would say that it is something that only couples who are very close, and unconditionally love and respect each other, can do.

Robert Heinlein said: “Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other "sins" are invented nonsense.”

Talk with her some more. This is something both of you really have to be ready for if it is going to work. Then just go slow. As is said on here hundreds of times, go the pace of the slowest one in the relationship. Show her the board. Let her browse the threads. I know this board has helped me quite a bit in the past year or so I've been reading and posting to it. I think it will show her that swinging is more "normal" then she may think.

Mr. WS

[SBcpl]

Originally Posted by WesternSwing

If we have any problem in swinging it's that we like to watch each other so much it makes it hard to concentrate on our partners.

That's one of the main reasons that we've devoted our play times exclusively to MFM's and haven't looked for other couples to play with.

~ B ~

[RNDNV]

Originally Posted by spooky1

Can any of you please help me to understand why this turns me on so much, and maybe reassure me (or tell me that what I am wanting is plain wrong) maybe some tips to reassure her as well.Thanks Spooky

Hey Spook, two things.

One, you are absolutely okay and there is nothing at all wrong about how you feel. I totally adore watching my wife being with another man, and especially if she is really having a good time with him. The better time she is having, the more fun it is to watch. There is something very special about sharing and allowing your loved one to experience something that feels good and different, and it feels good to you to know that she can have those feelings without you getting all twisted up about it, but instead, really enjoying watching her have fun.

Second, you don't NEED to do anything to get her into this. You have to respect her feelings, and she may never want to play with another man, and you would be best to accept this. Now, I am not saying that it won't ever happen, you just need to love her unconditionally, whether or not she does play with another. She must ultimately decide to play with another man (or woman, or couple) for her reasons, and not yours (ie: to fulfill your voyeuristic fantasy in this regard, and by the way, there is nothing wrong with being a voyeur either). My best suggestion is to mention that you are not sure how you really felt about the subject, but found some reassurance here, and invite her to read this very thread you started. Then talk about it, and be just as open minded for her in listening to her concerns as you are asking her to be regarding you guys pursuing this path of playing with others.

Best wishes, RND

[tonythetiger]

hey spooky i am still asking myself the same question i cant figure it out either.because everytime i get a little jealousy(to myself) but after things get going i love it and so does she(kittkat on here). but i have had some tuff time with it but worked out the dos and the donts so be open minded and you will be fine

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by WesternSwing

Society, based on thousands of years of puritan thought decrying all basic human instinct as sin, has brainwashed us into believing what their snapshot of a relationship looks like. No sex before marriage, only sex with your spouse, no sex with your spouse except for procreation, no birth control, pray to remove sexual thoughts from your mind. Funny that these canons were decided by men who had taken an oath of celibacy.

I guess misery loves company

[spooky1]

Wow thanks for the great advice, some really thoughtfull responses.

Do any of you know of any websites that have reading material written by professionals on this topic??