Spicing up your sex life.

[adventureUS2]

A post I read today prompted me to write this post. A couple stated that they started swinging because the frequency in which they were having sex was suffering a bit. They thought swinging might spice things up. Now this couple said nothing at all about any other marital problems. Most of the responses to this post indicated that people thought this couple needed to work on their relationship.

Seems to me from other posts I have read, this is a popular opinion. If a couple is swinging to spice up their sex life then their marrage must be in some kind of trouble.

I think most people having marital trouble cheat on one another. Now if they are working together to bring some extra excitement into the bed room. That tells me they most likely have a strong relationship.

My wife and I are 100% head over heals in love with each other. We started swinging to spice things up. We both have a strong drive for the out of the ordinary when it comes to sex. So we like to introduce new things into our bed room to keep it from getting boring. Not that we get board with each other. We get board with one on one plan jane sex. So we may get a new toy do some role playing or invited someone else over to join in. Would using toys to spice things up also indicate there were a problem with our marrage.
I don't think so. Then why would bringing others in to play indicate a problem.

This really strikes me as odd coming from a swinging board. I can understand nonswinging people having this veiw, but other swingers. HELLO!!

Maybe some couples are just affraid to admit that swinging has helped their sex life. Even in the best of marrages there comes a time when it needs some spice. Being able to recocognize it and working together to keep things spicey is only a sign of heathy relationship with good comunication.

My Question is if you didn't start swinging to spice things up. Why did you start swinging?

wow, well said! We swing to spice things up, but there are other things we do as well... I had hubby F*@# me with two banana's once, My orgasm was so huge that I split one! What a mess that was. But it sure did spice things up a bit, and we still laugh and tell people about it.

[JustAskJulie]

Not knowing exactly which thread you are referring to it's hard to say. To me if they are saying they are just trying to spice things up, that's great. But when I read a post from a couple saying that they no longer have time for each other, no longer have sex with each other and now they want to swing, that is where the red flags come in. To me, it seems that they should work on getting that time back for each other first.... that their relationship should take priority.

I've seen couples step into swinging and end up never having sex alone again - only when they swing - is that a good thing? I don't think so? So if a couple is already not having sex together alone and now they want to swing, it's not a far stretch to believe that that they will continue to not have sex together alone, but only when they swing.

By your description, I believe you would agree that the couples own relationship should come first. Typically if a couple is just tryin to "spice things up" they are still have sex together and still do talk to each other, as you said they have to be in order to come to this agreement together. But then other threads where they talk about how they basically never see each other anymore, that they are always working, dealing with kids, etc and never have time to have sex together. Those are the ones that really bother me. You already have so little time together but you are going to take that little bit that you get and go out and share it with other people instead of make it special for the two of you?

[Pepper & Drew]

Hmmmmm.....that's a good one. In our case, we started out so that I (Pepper) could explore bisexuality. We'd kinda stumbled into an experience with me and another woman an it got the ball rolling. Drew thought it was really hot, I thought it was really hot, so we talked and experimented. After talking about what we'd experienced and met people, we decided that we were interested in full swap. We didn't set out to "spice things up" persay, but more to broaden our sexual horizons. Now, I can say that swinging has had a positive effect on our sex life, but I think that has more to do with the fact that we are much freer in our discussions about what we like sexually, the fact that we both are in better shape and as a result have more self confidence than we did a few years ago, and that we've both learned more about our own bodies and each other's through playing. Our perspective on our life and each other is so different now. There's nothing like seeing your spouse through someone else's eyes. I have a whole new level of appreciation for the man I chose to spend my life with.

I don't think that because people get into swinging to spice things up that there's necessarily something wrong with their marriage. Life gets in the way of sex sometimes (I don't feel real sexy when I'm tired from work, gotta do loads of laundry, cook dinner and clean up) and I think it can happen in any marriage, no matter how much you may love your spouse. Whether you use some toys, go on a romantic vacation or swing (or maybe do all three), I think you do have to sometimes make an effort to make things "spicy", and I think the effort should be applauded. I think swinging is another way to connect with your partner, have some recreational fun, and meet some really cool people. Now, if there's no spark an you get into swinging thinking it will help, it more than likely won't. But, if there's a spark, there's fire, but you're wanting to "stoke" it, swinging is a great way to do that. (Sorry about the fire metaphor.....I couldn't help it )

Pepper

[adventureUS2]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

I've seen couples step into swinging and end up never having sex alone again - only when they swing - is that a good thing? I don't think so? So if a couple is already not having sex together alone and now they want to swing, it's not a far stretch to believe that that they will continue to not have sex together alone, but only when they swing.

Yes I do agree there are some couples that swing that have issues that need to be addressed. And some post it is very obviouse they need to stop swinging and work on there relationship.

I think my point was some of the post don't indicate anything more then needing some spice, but alot of people will assume there is a deeper problem.

Very insightfull Julie thank you

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by adventureUS2

I think most people having marital trouble cheat on one another. Now if they are working together to bring some extra excitement into the bed room. That tells me they most likely have a strong relationship.

I think most married couples do have marital trouble at some time in their marriage. They may be small challenges or great obstacles to overcome. It may be many years before they come to that point, or it may be a matter of months. Either way, cheating is not the solution most couples seek.

Couples in a strong relationship find ways to turn adversity into a learning experience, and through it, become closer.

In the other thread you are referring to, the couple has been married only eight months. They say they had sex every day when first married and now only have sex twice a week. Now they are swinging and wonder how to keep sex with others from becoming boring too.

If sex is boring this early in a relationship, I would be concerned. When I read their post, I felt they are in a different situation than most couples who swing to add spice to their sex life. I have to wonder if this couple shouldn't be focusing on their relationship more than their sex right now.

The differences are subtle and often hard to recognize at first, but I think you have to be on the look out for swingers who aren't solid in their relationship. If a couple does not have a strong relationship, they tend to bring their problems into the play.

We brought swinging into our marriage to add variety. I wanted to experience something I've never had--other men, and women. Yes, it adds spice but it is not because we are bored with each other, or the sex we enjoy together.

LM

[adventureUS2]

Originally Posted by Pepper & Drew

. Now, if there's no spark an you get into swinging thinking it will help, it more than likely won't. But, if there's a spark, there's fire, but you're wanting to "stoke" it, swinging is a great way to do that. (Sorry about the fire metaphor.....I couldn't help it )

Actually that metaphor hits the nail on the head thank you Pepper&Drew

[adventureUS2]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

They say they had sex every day when first married and now only have sex twice a week.

If sex only twice a week is an issue then We need help!!!!

[MrSnozzberryBlu]

My wife and I have gotten into swinging because of her bi-sexuality. We have been married for almost 15 years, and have been very happy together. Still, the addition of swinging for us has brought us excitement in our personal love life, and brought us closer together as a couple.

The problem that some couples find themselves in is that they substitute sex with their partner with sex with other people so often that they lose their identity as a couple in the process.

It is possible to swing too much. My wife and I have had very busy weeks in work, home, and swinging schedules. After a week of that we begin to feel a little disconnected and take time off from swinging to enjoy each other. It is highly important that when all is said and done that as a couple you be mindful to take care of each other first, swing after that is satisfied.

Every couple is different though, and a blanket rule cannot apply to all. Each couple must evaluate their relationship before they decide to swing...and continue to evaluate it's effects regularly (no matter how long they have been together and/or swinging) to maintain the health of the relationship. My wife and I have done this our whole marriage. It works, and we are so happy we can hardly stand it!

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by adventureUS2

If sex only twice a week is an issue then We need help!!!!

Ooops. I didn't mean to imply that sex only twice a week was a bad thing...not at all!

But the couple who wrote their thread sounded disappointed by that amount of sex, didn't you think? It was how they expressed their boredom that is important to note. That's what stood out to me in their post.

I guess I'm trying to say, it's not a numbers thing, it's how satisfied you are in your relationship.

LM

[adventureUS2]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Ooops. I didn't mean to imply that sex only twice a week was a bad thing...not at all!

I was just being a smart ass LikeMinds I agree completely. That couple was not married very long but we have no Idea how long they were together before they got married could have been a few months or a few years. Just sounded to me like they have a very strong sex drive and are tring to keep it interesting Good God Man who has sex every day!

[CB_n_Red]

If we were making love just twice a week we'd be worried, but that's us. Different strokes for different folks, as they say....

Picking up another point, there are occasions when we will postpone sex if an interesting swinging possibilty comes up - we did last night. But tonight it will be just us

CB

[northindycpl]

LikeMinds Is right! marriages do have their ups and downs. Sometimes times are tough. Finished. Other times are fantastic. I think it is the ups and downs that build character in your marraige, it builds the trust, communication and connection. I always have an issue with couples that are swinging early in their marriage. Maybe different marriages were better than mine, but I couldn't have imagined swinging with MR. Indy before maybe our 7th year of marraige. It really took us that long to build our foundation, maybe it is becasue we had a lot of speed bumps, I am not sure.

From my standpoint, we didn't start to spice things up. Our sex has alwasy been pretty spicy. Frequency is something that varies with us too. We have a lot of outside commitments, and Mr. Indy works Nights, so frequency is sometimes an issue for me. Our interest in swinging has always been present in our marriage from the get go, we just decided to go for it now.

It has done a lot to enhance our marriage, none of which involve sex. We see each other differently, for one. He no longer looks at me like I am a mom and wife, but a hot sex goddesss and his best friend. Swinging allows us to spend time together, as adults, in activites that focus on our marraige. And our conversations and communications are so much better now. I feel like I can tell him anything, no matter what the topic is. Finally, we are living out long time fantasies. Things we have thought about for years.

[HotMoCpl]

The only problem may be that of communication about fantasies, desires and so on. No marriage is perfect, but we get as close as we can without stepping into our graves. (the only perfect people are dead and can do no wrong) I know this for a fact because this is the one impasse I have with my wife. She says she has NO fantasies or naughty dreams.

No worry, I'll get her to open up to me. If swinging is spicing up they're sex life and there are no other problems I guess its okay.