Fulfillment

[Spoomonkey]

Riding the slowly dying swell of Oprah's wake...

I got a little bored at work today - so I decided to skim my way through the Oprah message board that folks have been talking so much about. Brushing aside all of the name-calling, "that's just sick" responses, and the shallow theology of anyone with a Bible to thump - I kept reading one word...

Fulfillment...

"If you need to sleep with others to be fulfilled, then their is something deeply wrong with your marriage."

That sentiment - often those exact words - seemed to be painted liberally on every page. And the responses from swingers - after brushing off the name-calling, "stop being judgemental" responses, and the equally shallow religious retorts - I realized failed to address this very valid point.

Here's the thing - I agree with this - and I believe most of the swingers here would as well. But, while we'd agree with it, it was something that seemed to slip right under the radar...

And because of that, it hung over the conversation like that feeling you get just before you puke.

If we can't defend this point, we are as pathetic and warpped as those narrow-minds seem to think.

I have had some great experiences in the lifestyle - and specifically with other women. I have had some marvelous sex - and a few times, I'll admit, have been pretty mind blowing... But fulfilled?

I don't think I ever have been...

And, frankly, it's not what I'm looking for.

My fulfillement comes when I get home from the club. The evening has so charged us, that I have taken Mrs Spoomonkey on the stairs, in the hallway, in the shower, on the hood of the car and multiple times on every piece of furniture we own (except for the pub chairs... Those are not stable enough for Spoomonkey type of lovin' )

I am not fulfilled by the lifestyle - I am charged by it, desperate for the fulfillment that ONLY my wife can provide. She can take one horny monkey and exhaust me, revive me, exhaust me again and in the end leave me a grinning, comatose heap...

I guess I am not fulfilled by sex...

I kind of feel sorry for the narrow-minds who are...

I am fulfilled by the intimacy, the passion and the energy that my wife and I share.

These people who condemn what we do will never get that - and THAT is why they are afraid of it... And THAT - not swinging - is why marriage in America is a mess...

Spoomonkey

[menher1559]

I (we ) would certainly have to agree. We feel that swinging enhances our sex lives. We are both highly sexual people and when time and opportunity permit we enjoy the company of other like minded adults. The fullfillment comes from our marriage, our children and our jobs. Swinging is something we don't think about every waking moment. We have a life outside of sex and that is where the fulfillment comes in. My wife is the love of my life and she and our children provide fulfillment to me and I'm sure likewise to her.
So again to support Spoomonkey, swinging is not fulfilling. It's simply a part of our lives that we enjoy deeply and provides us time with like minded adults/
Good Point Spoomonkey.

[Miss_Piggy]

Spoo, you make a really good point. I'd venture to say that most successful swinging couples feel the same way you do. Perhaps we all ignore the comments about fulfillment because many of us never really understood the comment properly. Fulfillment has never been an issue as we have never thought of sex as an act designed to create a sense of fulfillment. Love and the intimacy that goes with love goes with fulfillment in my mind - but not sex alone. Perhaps this speaks to the fact that swingers tend to separate sex and love.

Those who ask why swingers need swinging in order to be fulfilled are operating on a false premise. Swingers, who aren't swinging, are not unfulfilled.
The statement, "If you need to sleep with others to be fulfilled, then their is something deeply wrong with your marriage." displays a distinct misunderstanding of swingers. I suppose the key to answering this argument is: sex does not equal fulfillment. Love equals fulfillment and we have that with or without swinging.

[xxoticangel]

Ditto what the monkey said. The best part about swinging with others is reconnecting with US after.

[CB_n_Red]

Dito absolutely!

Fulfillment for us was getting home from the club last night and grabbing each other the moment we got through the door! It was even tempting to pull over on the hard shoulder of the M62 for a bit before we got that far

Yes, we had a great time and great sex at the club, but the love making after we got home was what it was really all about.

CB

[Just_us49]

My husabnd and I are new to the lifestyle and have yet to go to a club or meet another couple but......we have GREAT communication in our marriage (of ten years) so I know I speak for him also when I write this.

It really irritates me when people attach the word fulfillment or the phrase "somethings wrong in your marriage" to the lifestyle or anything like it. Like the others on this post my fulfillment comes from so much more than just physical pleasure. If my husband and I stopped exploring the lifestyle today I would still say I have more than a fulfilled life. We have an awesome sex life. We didn't get interested in the lifestyle because we needed to "spice up" our sex life, we just think it sounds incredibly fun and exciting. We are best friends. I am never afraid to talk to him about anything. We can talk over coffee for hours about anything and everything. He loves on me and dotes on me everyday. He is sweet, kind, passionate, understanding, selfless and on and on. (I believe he would say the same about me.) We live to love and serve each other and our family. He is a great father to the beautiful children we have. Always patient and is as much of a caregivier to them as I am.

I'm sorry if I am rambling but it is obvious to me that people who say these things do not realize the level of trust and strength that a marriage requires to talk about and live the lifestyle with your spouse. My husband and I believe that as we explore farther it will only prove to strengthen our marriage and our love for each other more.

[kittenkupQT]

Hi folks! My husband and are are new the the lifestyle and have only been to two parties, but I don't think you could not have explained it more eloquently! I felt fullfilled in our relationship before we tried this. For us, it about finding new ways to have fun. We're not trying to fix or relationship(it's not broken.)

[BradAndJanet]

Well, come on now....

It is about fulfillment. Isn't everything we do?

Yes, my wife fulfills me; I can't get enough of her. But, my kids fulfill me, as does my family, my friends, my work...my play....

Those words, "If you need to sleep with others to be fulfilled, then their is something deeply wrong with your marriage", are an absurd statement for someone to make. How would the person uttering them have any idea of what fulfills me? I wouldn't presume to know what fulfills them either. I wouldn't say, for example, "Anyone that needs to pray for fulfillment has something deeply wrong with them."

Yes, swinging fulfills me. It satisfies an itch and I enjoy scratching it. I won't apologize for that, nor do I feel the need to defend it.

-B

[Spoomonkey]

It is about fantasy fulfillment.

I have sexual fantasies that haven't been fulfilled yet. I have have fantasies about winning the lottery and renting a limo to take my kids on a fantasy shopping spree... Again - not yet fulfilled. I have a fantasy about somehow stumbling into the situation of being an unknown quarterback who comes from third string status to lead his team to the Super Bowl... Probably need to accept the fact that this will very likely never be fulfilled.

But - if all of those things never happen, I am a very fulfilled person. My children are great kids - and my sixteen year old daughter has started calling me "out of the blue" and "just to talk"... Usually about nothing (a car she saw, a boy she likes, a customer who was an ass). That is fulfilling.

I have a beautiful wife who knows me and loves me anyway - who is adventurous and fun - who makes everyday something worth getting up for. I am a very fulfilled husband.

I have a job I absolutely love where I get paid a lot to do a little...

I have a cozy little home that is officially my favorite place in the world...

When I read someone say "If you need to sleep with others to be fulfilled, then their is something deeply wrong with your marriage" I realize that they sincerely believe that I chose to swing because there is something missing - something that is not quite as "perfect" as it is in their little world (or should I say, their idea of what a perfect little world would be).

And I can confidently say that they are wrong. I don't need to sleep with others to be fulfilled. And I can confidently say that it is not that something is "deeply wrong" with my marriage that allows me to enjoy swinging - it is because something is "deeply right" with it. My marriage and our sex life is so completely fulfilling - so I have no reason to be threatened by the fulfillment of fantasy.

And I honestly believe that it is this fear that underlies many folks' venom towards the lifestyle.

Spoomonkey

[Miss_Piggy]

"fulfillment

n 1: a feeling of satisfaction at having achieved your desires"

In this sense I think it's correct to say that swinging is fulfilling. But I tend to think that the word fulfillment implies a satisfaction to the point of completion - meaning, in this case, that swinging makes your relationship whole and without it your relationship would be missing something (ie broken).

I just don't think that fulfillment is a good word here.
Yes, if swinging we're gone you might miss it, but you wouldn't say your relationship was broken. I enjoy doing other things with Kermit as well, but I wouldn't say that one particular act is necessary for fulfillment in our relationship. In fact, this brings me to a point that I just had here in my head. It's the necessity associated with fulfillment that bugs me. What I require in order to feel fulfilled in my relationship is quality time with Kermit where I feel a real connection to him. I require love and attention. The acts involved in creating this feeling of "fulfillment" are plentiful. Swinging is one of those acts, so is watching movies, and having dinner together, and talking late at night. However, no one act is necessary for that feeling. They work together and if one of them were to fall away the others would make up for it, and new acts would be adopted.

I feel like I've babbled a bit here. I hope this makes sense.

[JustAskJulie]

Perhaps it has been overlooked/ignored for that simple fact. People haven't felt the need to address it because they simply agree with the statement:

"If you need to sleep with others to be fulfilled, then their is something deeply wrong with your marriage."

That may be the one thing the anti-swingers have right about this lifestyle. We aren't doing it to be fulfilled.

[confunktion]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Perhaps it has been overlooked/ignored for that simple fact. People haven't felt the need to address it because they simply agree with the statement:

"If you need to sleep with others to be fulfilled, then their is something deeply wrong with your marriage."

That may be the one thing the anti-swingers have right about this lifestyle. We aren't doing it to be fulfilled.

We can do it because we are being fulfilled by our marriages/relationships. At least we should be - I know that too many of these forum posts tell us otherwise. Hope that we can help others see the light, so to speak.

[Pinmonkey]

Do you feel fulfilled after playing basketball or hockey? Or do you feel fulfilled after the office holiday part? I doubt it. Swinging to us isn't about fulfillment... other than as Mr Spoo put it fantasy fulfillment. It's about enjoyment. Adult fun with like minded consenting adults that share a similar pastime.


I personally feel too many people get all hung up on the sex part to the extent that anything anyone else says to support it gets ignored so that a "moral" can be pressed upon someone whos morals aren't quite the same as "mainstream" people. ... IMO ...

[DBStPete]

Why does anyone care what some rude stranger thinks about their marriage? Or swinging? Or sex? Or worse, get hung about about one particular, not terribly appropriate, word?

Best to ignore such folks, imo.