Is swinging BAD for the emotionaly detached or BETTER for them?

[lott]

I ask this because I feel that the best sex and as well as orgasm occur when emotions are in FULL swing and not when sex is just logical and focused on the senses such as looks. The things that really get the wonderful feeling of sex going are the openness that people have with each other which lets them say what they want and do what they want(as long as it's agreed upon), without feeling ashamed or embarrassed for feeling the way they do.

If a person who can't fully be open sexually BUT can still have sex that's focused on the physical without saying and doing what they want in TOTALITY and it's just focused on getting a nut or having sex with different types of people to say they did it, can the sex be just as good as the people who have emotions(words, touching, tasting with as much feeling as possible) involved in the act of sex?.

[Thrax]

Originally Posted by lott

If a person who can't fully be open sexually BUT can still have sex that's focused on the physical without saying and doing what they want in TOTALITY and it's just focused on getting a nut or having sex with different types of people to say they did it, can the sex be just as good as the people who have emotions(words, touching, tasting with as much feeling as possible) involved in the act of sex?.

Well, the sex for that person could be "just as good." For that person.

Personally, in the recreational sex arena I'm usually looking for a sense of something that's a bit difficult to describe. It's not "love", but maybe friendship? Compatibility? Commonality? Something like that at least. I want to be interested in whom I'm boinking and I want her to be at least somewhat interested, if not downright enthusiastic, about boinking me.

In both vanilla dating and in SwingWorld I have gone for the nut (and in some cases I've been the willing "toy" of women who were going for it. Not often, but they're welcome offers... ) I'm not going to apologize for that because I've never deceived anyone to get some, and even in my need for sexual release I respected my partners and made every effort to satisfy them. However, at my advanced age I do recognize that that is not quite as pleasureable to me as a good fuck with someone I can connect with on at least a friendship -- or maybe "respectful acquaintance" -- level. Whatever that connection is makes recreational sex much more enjoyable.

However, sometimes the purely animal act of sex is hugely satisfying on the most primal level.

And, as a single male, I guess I should also mention that if I'm in an MFM, or have received the okay to play with a wife/SO alone, I want him to be comfortable with me also before anything happens with her. Comfortable in a non-sexual way, of course. But still, I don't want the "love" emotion flowing, I'm looking for the comfort/respect/interest thing. I think.

I'm in a hurry so those thoughts aren't well organized. Please feel free to question them. In a "friendly" way, of course.

Thrax

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by lott

If a person who can't fully be open sexually BUT can still have sex that's focused on the physical without saying and doing what they want in TOTALITY and it's just focused on getting a nut or having sex with different types of people to say they did it, can the sex be just as good as the people who have emotions(words, touching, tasting with as much feeling as possible) involved in the act of sex?.

Man - I am really having a tough time following questions lately... Do I ever need to give my brain a break...

Anyway - I think it is different for different people. Obviously, there are your rare (and scary) cases where the more detached the better. But I would think that completely open, emotionally connected sex is far better than the alternative. That is the kind of sex that I have with my wife.

I am not able to have that sort of sex with my playmates - I am limited. The only people who I would think could are those who are more of a poly persuasion. But, the people who I have been with who I have really, really enjoyed in swinging have been people who I felt a real connection with on a "non-romantic" level. It has been a friendship - a closeness - something; a unique comfort level.

I remember a couple that we are close to once spending the weekend at our house. After playing, the wife and I ran to get some food. Just us - leaving Mrs Spoo and the husband at home. Complete trust and comfort all the way around.

I couldn't help but think as I was driving that this was a woman (an incredible woman!) who I had just been with physically. It was strangely erotic just knowing that here we were, having just been together - now we were running an errand. The comfort was amazing - and the sex had been incredible. But it is rare to find that sort of comfort.

I think it does make the play better, though, when there is some sort of connection. However, in our case a "love connection" just isn't possible.

Spoomonkey

[good times]

I agree with Spoo, and have connected with a few couples on the friendship level like the example he gave. In those cases the sex is definitely better than with the play partners that we have no more connection to than just sex.

On the other hand, we have experienced a couple of times where the other couple became a little too attached to us. When this happens the undesirable emotions, such as jealousy, that we all try to avoid come into play. I guess, for us at least, their is a fine line there that it is best with an emotional attachment equivalent to a real good friendship, but any more than that takes the fun right out of it.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

Man - I am really having a tough time following questions lately... Do I ever need to give my brain a break...

Don't feel bad, I had to read it 3 times and concluded trying to answer would be like saying one person sees the color blue better than another.

[lott]

SORRY, I meant to ask "Is swinging BAD for the emotionally detached or BETTER for them".

[SouthBond]

It seems that a prostitute would have to be detached. They just couldn't form an emotional bond with every person they do. Our swinging experience started out as seeking a new thrill. Wake up the body. Finding an acceptable adult male and female that was willing to share our deepest desires. We have found sex but most importantly we have found friends. We get a great deal of pleasure from helping our playmates find the excitement that they seek. We help them and they help us. We have vanilla friends and swing friends. Our swing friends have a unique place in our life. We like them as people and sexual objects. So for us swinging isn't anything about being detached. In fact, we consider an emotionally detached person to have problems that we don't need.

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by Thrax

Well, the sex for that person could be "just as good." For that person.

Never underestimate that...

Originally Posted by Thrax

Personally, in the recreational sex arena I'm usually looking for a sense of something that's a bit difficult to describe. It's not "love", but maybe friendship? Compatibility? Commonality? Something like that at least. I want to be interested in whom I'm boinking and I want her to be at least somewhat interested, if not downright enthusiastic, about boinking me.

This is really what I hope to find most of the time.

Originally Posted by Thrax

In both vanilla dating and in SwingWorld I have gone for the nut (and in some cases I've been the willing "toy" of women who were going for it. Not often, but they're welcome offers... ) I'm not going to apologize for that because I've never deceived anyone to get some, and even in my need for sexual release I respected my partners and made every effort to satisfy them. However, at my advanced age I do recognize that that is not quite as pleasureable to me as a good fuck with someone I can connect with on at least a friendship -- or maybe "respectful acquaintance" -- level. Whatever that connection is makes recreational sex much more enjoyable.

Just what is your "advanced age" anyway?

Originally Posted by Thrax

However, sometimes the purely animal act of sex is hugely satisfying on the most primal level.

I have usually just had animalistic sex with Fem D not that I wouldn't turn it down. Seems like we never give enough thought to actually spending more than an hour or two with our partners. Sometimes the conversations you have in between end up being the most satisfiying.

Originally Posted by Thrax

And, as a single male, I guess I should also mention that if I'm in an MFM, or have received the okay to play with a wife/SO alone, I want him to be comfortable with me also before anything happens with her. Comfortable in a non-sexual way, of course. But still, I don't want the "love" emotion flowing, I'm looking for the comfort/respect/interest thing. I think....Thrax

I'd say that even in a couples situation this could very well apply.

Enjoyable thread.

Male D

[Tia Vampire]

I agree with all of the above replies. When i want to make love, my fiance is all that i need, but if i want to f***, a playmate is good for that occasion. Becoming emotionally attached to a playmate is not part of swinging. What are you in it for? Do you think that you can break up a relationship where two people are very much in love and are so open minded that they can have their cake and eat it too. Sound like a situation that's not even worth becoming emotionally attached to, now does it? You will be the one that end up coming from it with your feelings hurt and full of jeaulousy. So yes, swinging for us is for the different possibilities and entertainment purposes only.

[WesternSwing]

For me swinging is not just for the emotionally detached, for to say that would imply you are emotionally detached from anyone, which of course isn't the case. But, many on the outside looking in would say things like "Swingers don't love each other or they wouldn't do it" or "I would swing with someone I don't care about, but not if I was married." Of course those that do swing successfully know that they are deeply in love with their spouse which means they are not the type to be totally emotionally detached. Simply they have a very defined sense of love and sex and know they are not the same thing.

We have found that we do develop close friendships with some of the people we swing with. It lends credence to the theory that many social anthropologists have that ancient humans used sex within the tribe or village to develop close bonds with each other, thus strengthening the tribal connection. Ironically, before researching this we were already calling our little group "the tribe" because that is what it feels like.

Also, Mrs. WS has loved a playmate, which at first I thought would really bother me and I'd be jealous, but it really seemed so right and natural when it happened. We are totally different men other than having a similar interest in cars and motorcycles, and I can see where he fulfilled a different role in her life than I do and therefore wasn't a replacement for me, but rather an addition to me in her life.

So emotionally detached? I don't think so. At least, not for us.

Mr. WS

[rpu3]

Originally Posted by Tia Vampire

Becoming emotionally attached to a playmate is not part of swinging. What are you in it for? Do you think that you can break up a relationship where two people are very much in love and are so open minded that they can have their cake and eat it too. Sound like a situation that's not even worth becoming emotionally attached to, now does it? You will be the one that end up coming from it with your feelings hurt and full of jeaulousy.

Swinging can work for both the emotionally detached and those that have an emotion or two while swinging. I don't believe one is better or worse than the other, they are just different styles and fall into the YMMV. Hopefully, everyone finds the swing partners that best fit their style.

That being said, I often decline to call myself a swinger (instead I tend to call myself a consensual nonmonogomist if I have to use a label at all), because there I have found that there tends to be a negative attitude by many in the swing community if one dares to have an emotion or two about someone you fuck. I get tired of hearing that emotions are not allowed in swinging. If one wants to be emotionally detached, the more power to them, but that's not the deal for me, and apparently a few others.

Emotion does not automatically equal love - not that there's anything wrong with love, but not everyone who has an emotion in the course of swinging develops the love emotion. Emotion doesn't automatically equal jealousy, or leaving one's spouse, or breaking up a marriage, either. What's wrong with happiness, excitement, joy, or curiosity as emotions in the course of swinging?

I'm one of those that needs to feel like there's some connection, or commonality, or feel there would be a potential for friendship - i.e., I'm comfortable and I like the other person. I don't have to actually have that friendship in order to have sex with that other person, but there has to be that undefinable something there for me to be able to do it. If I/we are lucky, it may actually develop into a true friendship. It's happened once, I'm pretty sure the odds are good it may happen again - it's not like a lightening strike, after all (though it feels like that at times).

Others may not need or want any of that - good for them. I'm sure they are having a great time, too. It's probably is a lot faster for them to find partners.

It's early and I'm prone to nonsense rambling. To be more personal, we have met one person that that I think may have become a friend over time. We've played as a threesome, I've played alone w/him. The emotions I may feel towards that person are not much different than what I feel towards any other friends. I'm fond of him, would be willing to do a favor or two for, and hope for the best for him, just as I would with my vanilla friends. We just happen to have sex sometimes. I've not chucked off my wedding ring just because I have sex with him and call him a friend. I'm not ready to jump on the polyamory bandwagon, either. It's an addition to my life/our life, and it hasn't changed the emotions I feel for my spouse, and it doesn't make our friendship, even with the sex, something in the love or romance realm. The best part about it is that I can have great sex with someone other than my spouse, and I don't have to worry about the love stuff or the 'gotta find a mate' stuff getting in the way. Already have that - now I can just have fun with friends, in the sack too.

If you prefer detachment, that's great. For those of us that prefer a bit more, I guess my point is that emotional attachment or emotion in general towards one's alternative playmates is not necessarily romantic love. There's room for both in swinging - it shouldn't automatically be a no-no to have an emotion like happiness here or there if that's okay with all involved.

[BCinIN]

I ask this because I feel that the best sex and as well as orgasm occur when emotions are in FULL swing and not when sex is just logical and focused on the senses such as looks.

I agree--it's why I got married in the first place.

The things that really get the wonderful feeling of sex going are the openness that people have with each other which lets them say what they want and do what they want(as long as it's agreed upon), without feeling ashamed or embarrassed for feeling the way they do.

Openness makes for a better, more relaxed environment, sure. Lack of inhibitions is always great. Without those things, having a bad time is a foregone conclusion. But what makes sex wonderful is her being there with me; us being together. That makes any sex we have--whether with each other or other people--wonderful. But "wonderful" can't exist outside of those parameters. Having sex with some woman I hardly know (or even one I do know) might be orgasmic, but even an orgasm is a physical sensation. What my wife and I have is such that even the basic physical activities we enjoy, like sex, are infused with an essence that just can't exist with other people. That essence transforms the very nature of the physical act we do into something else completely--something far more powerful, intimate, and special than anything with others could be, regardless of how open everyone was. I mean, I really like eating hot dogs. But filet mignon blows hot dogs away every day of the week, and I'd choose it over hot dogs every time, even after eating it every day for ten years straight!

If a person who can't fully be open sexually BUT can still have sex that's focused on the physical without saying and doing what they want in TOTALITY and it's just focused on getting a nut or having sex with different types of people to say they did it, can the sex be just as good as the people who have emotions(words, touching, tasting with as much feeling as possible) involved in the act of sex?.

No, and this is why swingers aren't jealous of their spouses. Jack knows Jill gets it best at home, even though Bob and Sue might be really fun to get together with on Saturdays!

[lott]

I want to thank everyone for giving your answers to my question!.

I really appreciate it because talking openly about sex and the sensations as well as emotions that come along with it, are rarely talked about in an open setting in the square world UNLESS you don't mind false answers and weird looks. I think if people became more open about sex, the world would have much less problems then it already has because sex is the sensation that effects EVERY part of your life and the decisions you make without you even realizing it. It goes that deep into a persons character.

If sex done with all senses and done to the max to achieve a powerful orgasm and accompanied with a session of personal reflection with the people who just got done doing it, it can heal a lot of life altering wounds as well as open up a new world for them. It will be like a psychologist giving his client meds to go along with the talk sessions accept the meds are your sexual experiences and orgasms.

Thanks for contributing to the thread. Peace.