Introverts and Swinging

[elizabeth12]

Can a introverted couple feel comfortable in the lifestyle without feeling pressured? It seems that many people in the lifestyle are very outgoing and comfortable approaching strangers. Even though in the end we all are after the same thing, an introvert needs time to feel more comfortable with new people and new situations.With many people they take this as disinterest and move on, being an introvert doesn't lend itself to open communication at the beginng of a conversation. We tend to be on the edges of a party and not ever the focal point, this is creates our safety zone. The really bad part about this is in a social situation if there is a clique involved your either ignored or highly pressured there usually nothing in between.

[Mr. Truelove]

Originally Posted by elizabeth12

Can a introverted couple feel comfortable in the lifestyle without feeling pressured? It seems that many people in the lifestyle are very outgoing and comfortable approaching strangers. Even though in the end we all are after the same thing, an introvert needs time to feel more comfortable with new people and new situations.With many people they take this as disinterest and move on, being an introvert doesn't lend itself to open communication at the beginng of a conversation. We tend to be on the edges of a party and not ever the focal point, this is creates our safety zone. The really bad part about this is in a social situation if there is a clique involved your either ignored or highly pressured there usually nothing in between.

It always seems when I am first being introduced to people I am quiet, like you said, to build a safety zone. However once I pass that barrier of introductions, as long as the other person is outgoing, I tend to open up and start talking more.

One thing that has helped this was forcing myself into situations where it is imperitive to be forward. I've turned my career into a more direct connection with various customers and that has helped me overcome my shyness a great deal.

Because we have not actually swung yet, I don't know how helpful this advice will be. Except to say, I'm not going to let my introvert side dominate my approach to this lifestyle. My wife and I will be going to a meet and greet, and I think that'll be a great way for me to break the ice so to speak. I will try to make it a point to talk to these people just as I have been talking to them here. So all I can say is try your best to be forward and I think you'll find it gets easier the more and more you do it.

I guess I can give an update after our weekend in a month.

[Dooode]

elizabeth12:

The hard and fast rule in the lifestyle is "no" means "NO!" and so anyone shouldn't be pressured into anything they're not comfortable with.

At the same time, being an introvert could lead to not being approached, as this could be misinterpreted as discomfort. Obviously, someone who's more outgoing is likely to meet others than someone who's not.

But you don't have to be.

Here's a simple exercise both of you can perform on each other that will help you to become more outgoing:

Every day, the both of you go for a walk. One partner points things out to the other and gets them to LOOK at it (street lamp, house, leaves, a bug, whatever.) and TOUCH it--respecting the boundaries of personal property, of course. If you go for an hour walk, one partner does the pointing, the other does the seeing/touching for half and hour. Then switch roles for the next 1/2 hour.

In time (and not a lot of time at that), you will find your attention being more focused more "outward" and less "inward". This techique also works great for depression, grief, and I've even used this exercise to help with my wife's migraines.

It won't make you more outgoing, but it will help to make you more outgoing by minimizing the introversion.

Hope this helps.

[She_n_Jaybee]

There are some ways that will help you be successful introverted swingers. Or at least help you get over those awkward first steps. If you're hoping to meet through the internet, then use it to your full advantage. Find some chatrooms. Less populated ones work best. Introduce yourself (or whatever handle you chose) and greet everyone. Ask a few questions about topics that interest you. If you're lucky, you'll find a chatroom with actual chatters, and in no time you'll be chatting as much as anyone. This is how I overcame my own introversion, about 15 years ago on local, multi-line Bulletin Board Systems in San Diego. I started reading the forums and posting a few replies. The first time someone sent my a chat invite, I panicked and disconnected. Within a month I had made several online acquaintances and a had gotten into the habit of meeting with a small group. Within 6 months, I chatted regularly with between 100 and 150 people, went to 3 weekly meetings of various sizes and began attending parties on a monthly basis. I had learned how to introduce myself into a conversation. Plus, I had gotten over some of the initial stress/fear by "meeting" the people online, so they weren't total strangers.

I'm still the quiet one (except for the clicking of the keyboard), but no longer have to sit on the sideline because I'm too timid to join in.

Another help available for you would be at a swing club. Most that we have attended (after the required, guided tour) offer to introduce you to a few of the regulars, or they mention that if you're not sure how to approach someone to find a host or hostess and they will be happy to make introductions.

Good luck

[beaverz]

Originally posted by: elizabeth12
Can a introverted couple feel comfortable in the lifestyle without feeling pressured?

I'm not sure, but my wife and I about to find out. We are pre-swingers as well and we also consider ourselves an introverted couple. The way we are approaching the lifestyle is we are only going to be ourselves. We are comfortable with who we are and realize it may take some time for us and that's fine with us, we are in no hurry. We are only going to move at our pace.

We are also planning on going to the Meet up late in the month to mingle with others from this site.

By the way, Welcome

Is Indiana representing or what?

[good times]

Because neither my wife or I are introverts, I can't really give you any recommendations on how to overcome this as some of the others have. To answer your question though, we have seen many introverted couples that have come to the clubs we attend. And it is true that even though we are very outgoing and will introduce ourselves to them, we often get the impression that they aren't interested and move on. It is only after we notice that they are coming to the clubs regularly and never seem to interact with anybody, that it becomes obvious that they are just so introverted that they are pretty much unapproachable. We have actually got to know a few of these couples over the years and have even played with a few of them eventually. The main problem that I notice they have, is that most people aren't willing to spend the time it takes to get to know them, the result of which is that they never seem to hook up with anyone for play. If you can't overcome this, and be more outgoing when interacting with people in the lifestyle, then you are going to have to be very patient. Most people in swinging are looking for other people to play with, and, sorry to be blunt, people that are extremely introverted are too much work, so most view these people as a waste of time.

Originally Posted by elizabeth12

The really bad part about this is in a social situation if there is a clique involved your either ignored or highly pressured there usually nothing in between.

This statement actually brings up a pet peeve of mine, and that is about cliques at swingers clubs. The reason hearing this always bothers me is because I have been to 5 different on-premise clubs now and have seen very few, if any real cliques. What I have seen is a lot of people that aren't willing, for whatever reason, to get involved and introduce themselves or otherwise actively interact with others at the club, and then when they don't have a good time, they say that the patrons at the club were cliquish. In reality, the vast majority of people who attend swing clubs primary reason for being there, is to meet new people to play with. So even though they might have a group of friends that they hang out with and visit with at the club, they are almost always interested in meeting new people who they find attractive.

So, to answer your original question directly, I think an introverted couple can participate in the lifestyle, as long as they realize that they are going to have to be patient, because it is largely an extroverts game. Because it is largely an extroverts game, you will probably sometimes feel pressure which will take understanding in addition to patience.

[intuition897]

Although it seems to me that Mr. intuition is neither extrovert nor introvert, I am most definitely an introvert. This likely comes from the fact that I am socially clueless and I know it. I've learned the hard way just how stupid I can make myself look to others and how easily I can put my foot in my mouth. But because I know this about myself, I turn on my "inner parent" and force myself to do those things I'm usually afraid to do. For example, you see a couple that look really interesting but you feel somewhat intimidated because maybe they're very extroverted or extremely attractive. You are uneasy about just walking up to them and starting a conversation. So you determine that that is exactly what you're going to do. You take a deep breath, you remind yourselves how much YOU like yourselves, and introduce yourselves with a smile. And if they turn up their noses at you...well then...who the hell wants to play with assholes like that anyhow?

So anyway, my suggestion is just to fake it until you feel comfortable playing the part of an extrovert. People take notice of extroverts more quickly than they do the wallflower introverts. One thing that's helped me in my struggle to overcome shyness is I've found out that you can still be yourself. I think if you concentrate on being a genuinely nice person, and letting that shine through, others will like you. I dunno. It seems to work for me, personally.

[Mike and Jan]

Elizabeth,

Not to worry, Sweetie! There are 'all' types of couples who venture into swinging.

Granted, it does have the appearances that the extroverted have the most fun but it's not necessarily true. Sure, things might happen faster or even more often for someone who's outgoing and openly flirtatious but there's also something to be said for slow, cautious, and thoughtful.

Sounds like you two would really be more comfortable finding a couple similar to yourselves. And, there are lots of folks just like you. Nice folks, sincere folks, folks who need to feel comfortable just like you.

This is a great site to, not only discover more about exploring sexuality in an openminded marriage, but to maybe find that right couple too.

Make youselves at home, and let time make you feel comfortable here.

[ohash01]

I tend to be on the introverted side as well. It helps that Mr. is a more outgoing because he'll pull me aside and go "You're doing fine...take a deep breath and stop being so nervous."

99% of the people on here and wonderful and nothing but helpful. Use them as a sounding board for a while. They'll help!

As for meeting people, we use mainly the internet. I'm too shy to go to clubs and we aren't quite into the lifestyle enough yet to be invited to house parties. Definately still be yourself, but I've found that it's so much easier to say exactly what I'm thinking when I'm typing it. If you're comfortable with someone online, but aren't quite ready to meet yet, chat on the phone...or get a webcams so you guys can be "face to face" without the pressure. Sure, you meet some pushy people and some people who are going to leave you feeling like you've just been steam rolled, but just give them a friendly "No thank you." and everything will be fine.

I've found that there are just as many introverted people out there. You'll find someone who fits what you want. I've never been called "sweet and cute" as often as I have since we started looking. There are people who will find your introversion to be "sweet and cute". Don't settle. Don't let anyone push you. If you feel uncomfortable, just move on. You'll find others who appreciate you.

[JTcamp05]

Yeah don't worry about...if you worry too much it could make the problem worse....you might find your self acting like something other than you are..... Best advise is to be yourself....One thing about the swinger community is its full of different personalities and types of people.....Im sure you will "fit in" just fine.......so relax be yourself and have fun ...it just may take longer, but sometimes its better that way!

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by elizabeth12

Can a introverted couple feel comfortable in the lifestyle without feeling pressured? It seems that many people in the lifestyle are very outgoing and comfortable approaching strangers. Even though in the end we all are after the same thing, an introvert needs time to feel more comfortable with new people and new situations.With many people they take this as disinterest and move on, being an introvert doesn't lend itself to open communication at the beginng of a conversation. We tend to be on the edges of a party and not ever the focal point, this is creates our safety zone. The really bad part about this is in a social situation if there is a clique involved your either ignored or highly pressured there usually nothing in between.

I can relate. I tend to have a big mouth, but when I first meet people I am shy....I think some people may mistaken this for being "snotty"....I just like to get a feel for people before getting close. We are learning to be more outgoing though, and we did this at the camp out. Before we knew it we had made some great friends.

[She_n_Jaybee]

Originally Posted by ohash01

99% of the people on here and wonderful and nothing but helpful. Use them as a sounding board for a while. They'll help!

Finally! I made it into the top 1%!!!

[BradAndJanet]

Here's another percentage...

Polls show that about 70% of people call themselves 'introverted'. We're in the majority!

There are ways to overcome our shyness in social situations and many of them have been mentioned in this thread. In Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People I found this:

Six Ways to Make People Like You:

* Be genuinely interested in other people.
* Smile.
* Remember and use people's names.
* Encourage others to talk about themselves and listen to them.
* Discuss what the other person is interested in.
* Make the other person feel important.

Try some of those and see if people react favorably toward you. I bet they will.

-B