Do lifestyle couples love each other more?

[bigjoehd]

hi guy's were new to the forum but we have been living the life for quite a few years now & within the last 4 or 5 years we decided to come out of the closet so to speak & be open with the fact that we enjoy swinging,some of the responses from our long time friends have been very accepting but most have been the same like "how can you let another person have sex with somebody you love" or "there is no way you two really love each other if your doing these type things".

i personally worship the ground that my wife walks on,to me she is everything & she feel's the same about me,most of the people we have met over the years that play as we do seemed to have the strongest most commited relationships we have ever seen & the love factor goes way beyond what most couples that we know have in their relationships.

for us we consider what we do to be a kind of extreme love for each other,anybody else ever notice that people in "the life" seem to have the strongest relationships & are best of friends?

[mickey&minnie]

Well as a newbie couple, I can say our relationship has improved. We communicate more now than ever. Our sex life is great also. We are still looking for our first encounter, but we read all the forums together and talk about what we would do in the same situation. We talk about our fantasies and what we want for each other. After reading here we have come to the conclusion that swinger couples for the majority are the most committed and loving. They all say that communication with your partner is the key. We have been having so much fun looking at people in stores/restuarants etc and picking out who we think the other would like. I love my hubby more than anything and really want to experience swinging for "us".
Minnie

[intuition897]

I totally agree. Successful lifestyle couples have relationships that others can't relate to because they're connected in ways that "vertical folks" have come to cynically believe are a myth. Fairy tales about happily-ever-after-true-love and down and dirty hot sex with virtual strangers make strange bedfellows, no? The happily-ever-after part is hard enough to believe on its own without adding non-monogamy to it. "Cannot compute." [sparks shooting out of ears].

[WildMiCouple]

Originally Posted by bigjoehd

.....anybody else ever notice that people in "the life" seem to have the strongest relationships & are best of friends?

I can't say that all or most of the people we've met in the lifestyle have the strongest marriages. Perhaps it's because we haven't gotten to know many really well yet. But we do hear from our vanilla friends that they think Tammy and I have a really great marriage. Not just now and then....but we hear it quite often. Dunno.....could be they notice how we act a little wild and show our affection for one another more than they're use to seeing

Brett

[NakedInSeattle]

Man, do I agree. I think that lifestyle couples are the straightest, most squared away people on earth. They have much fewer jealousies, hangups, and general excess baggage that causes so much grief and heartache in the "vertical" world.

The comments like "how can you let another person have sex with somebody you love" or "there is no way you two really love each other if your doing these type things" stem from insecurities and lack of trust and understanding of their spouse/SO.

We are so close now that we finish each other's sentences. And we have some of the greatest fun in the world. We both derive a great deal of pleasure from seeing and hearing the other having a wonderful time with somebody or some bodies.

Great thread.

[sereneiders]

This is something like putting the horses behind the charriot. The fact is, to be abble to be succesfull in this lifestyle you need to improve your mattiage FIRST. And it is because you improved your relationship that you can swing without end up being torn.

There are, for sure, couples with issues who engage into swinging. They either quited or ended breaking up, so most of the people we see in the lifestyle are the ones who still remain on the road. Then you could point out swingers have excellent marriages.

I'd rather say, just excellent relationships can become swingers.

[prettylady]

One of the first things I noticed when I joined the board, was how much the people here love their spouses. I have never heard a man talk about how beautiful his wife is or how wonderful her husband was until I met these people and it seems like they love to express their passion for their partners. My Dog is no different, I was uncomfortable at first the way he talks like I was created just for him. but I love it now. I couldn't imagine not having that kind of care and attention paid to me, I have become more then willing to express my love and adoration for Dog. It is something about the community as a whole that allows this sort of thing. In the non swinging world you would get rolled eyes or a sarcastic get a room comment, as if they don't want to see or hear this much affection. You may get a get a room responce from this group, but mostly with an added can we join quip at the end. The swinging lifestyle brings out so much passion, why contain it?
Your friend,
Prettylady

[WesternSwing]

I think it is very hard for vanillas to wrap their mind our lifestyle and why we do it. As Intuition said, they've bought into the whole idea of only being able to lust one person the rest of your life, and lusting after someone else means something is wrong in their relationship - although they do it. I think it means they are human.

People put too much emphasis on the sex part and not enough on the companionship aspect of their relationship. They foolishly confuse lust with love, and base their whole relationship on that.

Swingers (and polys) have moved beyond those petty jealousies and realize that true love is relishing your partners happiness. In jealousy there is more self-love then love. People confuse being jealous and possesive with love, the idea being the greater the love the greater the jealousy.

The fact is, it's because we love each other so much that we can swing. It's reveling in the happiness of the one you love. It's not being insecure and possesive. My wife's happiness is essential to my own.

From True Love, by Thich Nhat Hanh (Shambhala, 1997).

Simple Solution:

Love is one of the most confusing of feelings. What some people call “love” may be possessiveness, or simple desire, or some other lesser emotion.

According to Buddhism, there are four elements of true love. Read what this wise teacher has to say, and find out if what you feel is true love. Here are the four aspects of true love.

1. Loving-kindness. Loving-kindness is not only the desire to make someone happy, to bring joy to a beloved person, it is the ability to bring joy and happiness to the person you love, because even if your intention is to love this person, your love might make him or her suffer. To be able to give happiness and joy, you must practice deep looking toward the person you love. Because if you do not understand this person, you cannot love properly.

2. Compassion. This is not only the desire to ease the pain of another person, but the ability to do so. You must practice deep looking in order to gain a good understanding of the nature of the suffering of this person, in order to be able to help him or her to change.

3. Joy. If there is no joy in love, it is not true love. If you are suffering all the time, if you cry all the time, and if you make the person you love cry, this is not really love--it is even the opposite. If there is no joy in your love, you can be sure that it is not true love.

4. Freedom. In true love, you attain freedom. When you love, you bring freedom to the person you love. If the opposite is true, it is not true love. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free, not only outside but also inside. “Dear one, do you have enough space in your heart and all around you?” This is an intelligent question for testing whether your love is something real.

Mr. WS

[intuition897]

WS, that was beautiful! If ever there was a convincing argument that what we do is right and acceptable in the sight of God, this is it. I can't speak for everyone else, but this is exactly why we enjoy swinging. It's an expression of love and of complete surrender of ourselves for the good of one another.

[Amanda69]

Precisley because we love our partners and trust them that we are able to bring in other experiences to continue to enhance that relationship.

Most of us grew up with the images of the perfect relationship and manogomy, it is hard for anyone who hasn't opened up to other possibilities to see how this lifestyle can add to an already wonderful relationship. We are brainwashed from childhood, that jealousy we tend to feel comes from those images.

[feelin_froggy]

I, too, have noticed this- and commented on it more than once to Mr. Froggy.
I think it's one of the things I like the most about the lifestyle.

We went to a nudist/swinger's camp Memorial Day weekend. We were enjoying the pool when, I said to the Mister "Look."
Everywhere around us, couples were talking to each other, floating with each other, actually looking at each other in the eyes! It really lifted my heart.

When we go to vanilla outings, typically all I see are couples either arguing, spending all of their time away from each other, or seemingly bored with one another.

The couples that I know in the lifestyle are more committed to their marriages and each other. That's a difficult concept for many vanilla's to wrap their minds around. (That, and that there is a difference between swinging and cheating, but that is a whole 'nother thread... )

[JustAskJulie]

I think that one answer that can be given to the "how can you do this if you love your partner?" question is ....

We love each other enough to be completely open and honest with each other about our fantasies and desires. We love each other enough to always want to see our partner satisfied and happy and we would do anything to make that happen. We realize, in our love for them, that sometimes we alone might not be enough to satisfy our partner and after TALKING about this have decided together that seeing each other happy and satisfied is one of the most important things to each of us so we make every effort to make that happen. How far will you go to make your partner happy? How often do you do things behind their back because you are afraid that it will make her unhappy? We have found a way to never have to sneak around or not be completely open and honest with each other and it works for us. It may not work for everyone and I'm not asking you to join us in this, but we feel it is very important to be 100% open and honest with those we care about (especially each other) and that's why we chose to tell you about our choice.

[RDfnd]

Reminds me of a saying I have heard in the past. Went something like this:
" If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they are yours. If they don't, they never were."

[WesternSwing]

Pondering this more... As Julie said, we love and trust our spouse enough to be open and honest about our desires, and even our wants, needs, and feelings. This spills over into other aspects of the relationship, also, not just sex. We are more open about other hot-button issues like money, parenting approaches, and day-to-day decisions in being a couple.

We have got to the point where we love and trust each other enough that we know we want to be with each other. We don't, out of insecurity and fear, have to keep our spouse locked-up so they won't leave us.

These are things that many will never find or understand. Yes, some do outside the Lifestyle, but I think a much smaller percentage then those in the Lifestyle.

Mr. WS

[Tybee Swing]

What a wonderful thread! I love WesternSwing's post.

Originally Posted by feelin_froggy

We went to a nudist/swinger's camp Memorial Day weekend. We were enjoying the pool when, I said to the Mister "Look."
Everywhere around us, couples were talking to each other, floating with each other, actually looking at each other in the eyes! It really lifted my heart.

When we go to vanilla outings, typically all I see are couples either arguing, spending all of their time away from each other, or seemingly bored with one another.

I know just what you mean. I love being this close to my husband, love the deep sense of intuition we seem to have by virtue of how close we are in heart, mind and soul. I wish all couples could have that connection, whether swinging, or not.