Men, would you still want to swing if you were no longer married?

[Spoomonkey]

I know that it is an age old story:

"My wife is unable/uninterested in sex and told me I could play alone."

It pops up from time to time around here. But tonight it made me think... What if that ever really happened to me? I mean, it is a horrible, horrible thought. I've had the pleasure of having sex with others, but I can tell you, losing Mrs Spoomonkey for any reason and having to replace her physically would be devastating.

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't go out and have sex with another, knowing that she is alone, and then come home and cuddle with her. It would rip my heart out.

I know a man has needs... And boy-howdy, do I ever have needs! But what makes this lifestyle for me (and my life, for that matter) is Mrs Spoomonkey being a part of it all. I think that she has ruined me for more casual sex, in a way... I think sex without her would be an empty shell of what it has come to be since I've met her. My life would be an empty shell without her...

I know we hear that same story all the time... And I, too, bristle anytime it is posted. But - if you think about it - how horrible would that really be for those of us who have found our soulmates?

No - without her - I don't know what I'd do. I'd have to find a way to go on... I guess... But what "going on" would look like, I couldn't begin to fathom.

It makes it that much more important to cherish every moment I have with her...

Spoomonkey

[akamgaxoxo]

I totally agree with what you have said above, I feel the same way for my spouse!

[mrs good times]

As I have posted before I would want Mr. to go on but keep our open relationship by not only giving him permission but being as activily involved as possible. I would want to know, meet and give my permission before an encounter took place not only for my own peace of mind but for validation to the others that we still love each other and this is strictly sex in it's simplest form. Wether or not Mr. would do that I don't know, he would have to answer for himself.

I do understand what you mean though because I don't know if I could do it if the rolls were reversed and he was the one that could not perform.

[BradAndJanet]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

...I couldn't go out and have sex with another, knowing that she is alone, and then come home and cuddle with her. It would rip my heart out....

Neither could I. When I told her that I loved her and would be with her through everything, I meant what I said. Marriage isn't for wimps....

-B

[good times]

Dito what Spoomonkey said for me. We have talked about it hypothetically before, but in the end sex without my wife wouldn't be the same. Lets face it, as long as I have a functioning right hand I can always get relief. P had some serious medical problems a couple of years ago and after her operation it was months before we were able to have sex. In all that time I never considered looking for it elsewhere. One of the best things about swinging is the pleasure of seeing your partner enjoy herself, if that was removed their would be no interest in swinging for me.

[HotCoupleGnS]

I can say for sure that neither one of us would ever do anything without the other. No matter what the reason! We would never leave the other behind in our experiences. We do this b/c we enjoy doing it together! Swinging has brought us closer to each other than we have ever been or thought we could be. It has made us both more secure in our relationship. It has also made us realize how much more we truly need each other. I know without a doubt that if either one of us could never have sex again, we would just use a toy or our hand, we would never venture out alone!

SpooMonkey, you always come up with the best threads!

[Elusive BiFem]

While I admire what ya'll are saying, I can also imagine the scenario in which a person might venture out on their own. The scenarios are sad ones, but still.

What about Alzheimers? Those of you that are married to people several years older than yourselves? Or those in your late 40's and 50's. Your spouse develops Alzheimers and you are still living in the present time? Would you give up your life, including sex, because your spouse was living in a world that others could not penetrate for an unknonwn number of years?

What about an accident in which your spouse was left as what we commonly refer to (and I hate the term!) brain dead? Possibly living on a ventilator, but non-responsive to all tactile and verbal stimuli? Flat EEG's. Would you really give up your life for someone that will never be more than that?

WR and I had a heated debate about this last night (gotta love her! ). I presented the true scenario of a friend, many years ago...age 26, developed cancer and required a total pelvic exoneration. She was fully incapable of having any type of sexual relationship and because of the cancer, was unable to even have sexual desire due to the lack of hormones in her body. She was left as a shell, essentially. She was single. However, if married, I wonder if she would have objected to her husband finding sexual pleasure with another? Who knows, but knowing her as I did, I honestly don't think so because what she really wanted to experience was love. Just love. Unfortunately, she never got to. She died about a year after diagnosis.

Which leads me to this...everyone talks about separating sex and love...you can have sex with others, but you love your partner and the sex you share with your partner is different and special. OK, if that is true in the truest sense, why would you find it so difficult to accept, under dire circumstances, that your partner could have sex with others, but share pure love with only you? And no, I'm not talking about cheating - the "I'm gonna get me some on the side" types (male or female), but I'm talking about if one of you was truly incapable of responding or sharing a sexual relationship with the other. And taking that a step further...what about the spouse of the Alzheimers or life-support dependent person? Those types of people are incapable of giving or receiving love. Not their fault. Just the hand they were dealt. But what about the spouse left behind. Love is a powerful need for most of us. I would have far more respect for a man or woman that would stay married to thier spouse in that situation, support him/her, work to maintain their health insurance, hire live-in help, etc., but yet find someone to love himher and that he/she could love in return - far more respect than I would have for the person that would just up and leave the incapacitated spouse to make it on their own. Who was that minister here in Dallas that was suspected of attempting to kill his wife, leaving her in a vegetative state, then moved to California and started a new life with a new woman? He is a dispicable person - even if he wasn't guilty of the attempted murder.

So...there are two sides to so many stories and sometimes sides we don't understand at all. We can't understand until we've been there. Certainly, I hope none of us ever find ourselves having to make those sorts of decisions, but when we come across others, maybe a sprinkling of compassion for what might be happening would serve us well. - EBF

[Botcpl]

Different strokes for different folks. It is up to the parties involved. Mt wife works in a hospital and we can have a rotation where she is working every weekend for a month or two. Does this mean I shouldn't see friends, go to parties we're invited to?

We've been married for 23 years and lived together before that, but we are not joined at the hip. We each have things we like to do that the other isn't (or wasn't) so thrilled about, but we worked it out; sometimes by fighting (arguing) until it is resolved. Sometimes we agree to disagree. That is because we are both our own people who share our lives together, through thick or thin.

Remember: it is not adultry to talk to someone
it is not adultry to have a drink with someone
it is not adultry to have a meal with someone
it is not even adultry to go sailing with someone.

after that it is up to those involved. Many is the time I have gone on a ski trip where I was told to have a good time, but don't bring anything back.

That doesn't mean I'm ready for every honey that walks into the room. Everyone needs to know everyone. I couldn't play with someone who didn't know about me and my wife or I didn't know much about them. I would never go to a swing club by myself, even if I have the okay because I wouldn't put myself through that. I'm a human being, not a slab of meat with hydrolic (sp?) functions. You need to know the human being you are dealing with.

Off my soapbox and going to work,

P

[tazzie_n_truck]

This is Truck here.

I don't think if something happened where Tazzie was not able to enjoy the lifestyle with me, even if she gave me permission, I wouldn't be able to do it. Because for me, part of my enjoyment of the lifestyle is her enjoyment as well. I would have to agree with Spoomonkey.

Now Tazzie & I have met people alone, her with someone alone and myself with another woman alone.

Near the end of her pregnancy, we were not able to have sex, and she told me that if I wanted to, that I could look for a woman to have sex with.

I am being totally honest, I think I spent all of about 15 min. the whole time looking, mainly because, even though she said I could, it didn't feel right to me. So, I feel that now, if we are going to swing, we are going to do it together, not alone. And if for some reason one of us can't, we both won't. Even though we do have our sexual needs.

Spoomonkey, you brought up a very good topic.

[stoutgatte]

I tend to agree with EBF... Can't really add anything.

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally Posted by tazzie_n_truck

This is Truck here.

I don't think if something happened where Tazzie was not able to enjoy the lifestyle with me, even if she gave me permission, I wouldn't be able to do it. Because for me, part of my enjoyment of the lifestyle is her enjoyment as well. I would have to agree with Spoomonkey.

Truck, I appreciate your feelings and I understand where you are coming from, but I really wasn't referring to "lifestyle" pursuits, nor was I speaking to short-term situations like pregnancy or surgeries. Rather, I was referring to a member of a couple in a situation where a sexual relationship was impossible on a long-term basis - like for the duration of their life together.

Certainly, even if Tazzie was incapacitated for any reason, you might make the decision to live the remainder of your life in a sexless partnership, and that is to be respected, as are all personal decisions. However, that likely would not be the case for many, and their decision to pursue a sexual relationship outside the bounds of their marriage can sometimes be understood when all the facts are known, at the least. We each have to make decisions that we think are best for us at the time. In the end, for me...I would rather know that my spouse would always be there to give me love, even if the physical sex was given to someone else, rather than to think that I might find myself alone altogether - without a loving spouse or sex.

For the person that simply wants to cheat on his/her spouse, that is a different story altogether. - EBF

[tazzie_n_truck]

Even if something long term happened, I am not sure that I could even though knowing that it would be ok with her, I just don't think I would be able to, because for me, I would be thinking of her the whole time. Mainly to her credit, Tazzie is the woman I fell in love with, and if she was not able to have sex be it with me or anyone else, I wouldn't have the need to want to do anything with anyone else. Hopefully nothing like that will happen, but if it does, I would be willing to go without. I got an understanding of that with this pregnancy, and found that I have alot more will power in that area than I thought I did. lol

Just wanted to give my opinion on the topic.

[HotCoupleGnS]

I totally see EBFs point. It is so hard to say unless you are in that situation. All I know is Hubby & are best friends. With the way life goes, all your friends move on, get married & all that. He is the only one left by my side. Same with him. In our venture in life we grew together away from all our friends. We went down one hell of a rocky path (a whole story of its own) & not one of our friends was there at the end. Some of those people are still in the same place we used to be, so therefore we can't be with them. Others just simply drifted away. He is my only best friend & I his. We are the only ones that have totallly stuck by each others side through everything that has ever come our way. And we have been through ALOT in our little 4 years. If something were to happen to hubby I would stick by his side through it all. NO MATTER WHAT THAT MEANS. He has always stuck by my side & always will. If for some reason something happened to Hubby & couldn't have sex for any reason, I would be so devasted that soemthing happened to him, not that he couldn't have sex. i doubt that having sex would cross my mind. I mean I am sure that once in a while I mighjt get an urge, but there are other ways to be intimate, with him w/o sex. But even in those severe cases where there is nothing at all that can be done to replace it, I could never be with soemone else. And I know w/o a shadow of doubt that he feels the exact same way!

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally Posted by HotCoupleGnS

It is so hard to say unless you are in that situation.

You hit on the entire point HotCouple. "It is so hard to say unles you are in that situation."

Many years ago, my husband died when he was 34 and I was 27. I was devastated beyond belief and at the time, and for several years after, had no interest in sex or any type of relationship with anyone at all. After a while, reality set in and I knew I needed to go on with my life. Now certainly, death is a different type of issue altogether, but in certain cases, as described (Alzheimers, living in a vegetative state, etc.), the situations are similar to a death. A death of the person you came to know and love that no longer exist as that same person.

So the fact remains, at least in my mind, that we can't just immediately crucify a person that might be looking for a purely sexual relationship without knowing all that went into their decision. Again...that doesn't apply to those that are just simply out to cheat on their spouse. That is a different can of worms. - EBF

[HotCoupleGnS]

Originally Posted by Elusive BiFem

Many years ago, my husband died when he was 34 and I was 27. I was devastated beyond belief and at the time, and for several years after, had no interest in sex or any type of relationship with anyone at all. After a while, reality set in and I knew I needed to go on with my life. Now certainly, death is a different type of issue altogether, but in certain cases, as described (Alzheimers, living in a vegetative state, etc.), the situations are similar to a death. A death of the person you came to know and love that no longer exist as that same person.

So the fact remains, at least in my mind, that we can't just immediately crucify a person that might be looking for a purely sexual relationship without knowing all that went into their decision. Again...that doesn't apply to those that are just simply out to cheat on their spouse. That is a different can of worms. - EBF

Totally agree with you EBF! I am so sorry to heard about your loss. I had no idea. But as you said death is a while different situation. Everyone is different & everyone would do something differeent in a given situation. Thats what makes this place so cool. We can all discuss our feelings & opinions so freely!