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dezaray

Does swinging only work for married couples?

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Does swinging only work for married couples? It seems most swingers are married, and have been for a long time. If two people love each other, and both want to explore swinging together, it should work, right? I thought it could... however I/we were wrong.

 

I guess those of you that have been here a long time have probably seen this happen before...

 

Maybe we did set ourselves up for failure by not building our relationship more beforehand...

 

Is being married 1st the ONLY way this can work?

 

I ask myself where did this go wrong? He was too impatient, and I wasn't as ready to dive right in like he was, along with our differences in how we chose potential play partners. BUT isn't it a lot of trial and error, and complications on agreeing for most couples?

 

so hurt, let down, and confused.

Dez

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Does swinging only work for married couples? It seems most swingers are married, and have been for a long time. If two people love each other, and both want to explore swinging together, it should work, right? I thought it could... however I/we were wrong.

It may work for unmarried people, and conversely may not work for married people. What it requires is a strong and trusting relationship.

 

Maybe we did set ourselves up for failure by not building our relationship more beforehand...

Is being married 1st the ONLY way this can work?

As they say, swinging will amplify what you have, and can make a good relationship better or a bad one worse.

 

I ask myself where did this go wrong? He was too impatient, and I wasn't as ready to dive right in like he was, along with our differences in how we chose potential play partners.

It sounds to me like you've identified two big problems already. It generally only works if you go at the pace of the slowest person, or else someone will always be left with hurt feelings or unhappiness with the situation. Also, if you don't both agree to play, then play should not happen. It happens all too often (I wish I knew why!) that Barbie marries Frankenstein. Then when a guy wants to be with Barbie, he will (selfishly) ask his partner to overlook the fact that she'll be with the monster. But "taking one for the team" is generally a bad idea, as again, someone is left with a bad experience and has sacrificied. I don't see how that can be healthy, because it would leave me with a feeling of resentment.

 

BUT isn't it a lot of trial and error, and complications on agreeing for most couples?

 

so hurt, let down, and confused.

Dez

Sure there can be problems and complications, but they require lots of communication and full understanding BEFORE you proceed. Read a lot of discussions here and you'll come to the same conclusion. Imagine all the problems you can think of and talk through them. Learn each other's limits. Discuss boundaries and vow to each other to respect them. And so on. There is a lot of great "getting started" advice on this site.

 

Could you explain what happened a little more? You'll probably get some outstanding responses here by others, but it is proportional to the amount of details you provide. I don't like to guess what happened, but will say that your feelings need to be discussed and addressed with your partner before you continue swinging!

 

Good luck,

B.

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feelings need to be discussed and addressed with your partner before you continue swinging!Good luck,

B.

 

 

because of his impatience, and total lack of respect for me, i have no partner, its over.

 

not sure if i will persue this lifestly on my own as a single female or not, im sure it would be a WHOLE LOT easier for me tho if i decide to. Whatever i do, ill be taking my time at it, and healing my wounds before proceding further with anyone for any reason besides a plain ole fuck.

 

if i get the balls enough to open myself to ridicule by telling the whole story i will have to do it later

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because of his impatience, and total lack of respect for me, i have no partner, its over.

I'm very sorry to hear that. On the other hand, if he doesn't respect you, it is good to have discovered that earlier than later.

 

*Hug*

 

Mr. B.

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I'm very sorry to hear that. On the other hand, if he doesn't respect you, it is good to have discovered that earlier than later.

 

*Hug*

 

Mr. B.

 

 

thank you Mr. B, however it was my own stupidity that i believed him, and yes i am glad i wised up to his games before it went too far.

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I would say that while swinging isn't ONLY for married couples, it is for 'matured' relationships. Under normal circumstances if your relationship is strong enough to swing you will have been married already. Being married for Mrs. Chicup and myself felt more like an afterthought, we were already 'married' in thought but we had been dating for 7 years (schools etc kept us from being married earlier). Even so we wouldn't have been ready for swinging then, and were only 'ready' three years after that or so, and didn't swing for a year after we thought we would be interested.

 

We avoid non married (or very recently married) couples like the plague because we have seen them develop into drama cases far too often. As an LL member I've seen SEVERAL couples like this become a singles profile in the last year.

 

To me, swinging doesn't help develop a new relationship, it would interfere, only after you are 100% in love and 100% secure should anyone even think about it.

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Maybe we did set ourselves up for failure by not building our relationship more beforehand...
No, darlin'...you set yourself up for failure by putting your personal ad on a swingers website, when what you were looking for was a relationship, not a Fuck-Buddy.

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No, darlin'...you set yourself up for failure by putting your personal ad on a swingers website, when what you were looking for was a relationship, not a Fuck-Buddy.

 

and theres something wrong with looking for a person that has the same sexual appetite as i do? the same sexual desires? for a relationship....

 

FYI i was looking for either a fuck buddy or a relationship, depending on who i found and which they were better suited for. I was NOT looking to fool anyone like he was, i was NOT looking to even explore this lifestyle WITHIN a relationship.

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Sorry about your painful experience, Dezaray... This hobby can be SO wonderful. It can be empowering, and very pleasurable when all of the "stars are in alignment".

 

We're always very disappointed when we see the painful and hurtful experiences that some people suffer.

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I was NOT looking to fool anyone like he was, i was NOT looking to even explore this lifestyle WITHIN a relationship.
Well good! Break up with him! Toss his ass AND his toothbrush out the door!

 

Once you no longer have a "relationship" with him, HE can again be your FB, and you can even swing with him if you so choose.

 

Sometimes, we overlook the simplest of answers...

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Well good! Break up with him! Toss his ass AND his toothbrush out the door!

 

it's already over, and will stay that way, no going back in any shape or form where he is concerned. He doesnt deserve me as a friend let alone as a girlfriend/lover or anything else.

 

Once you no longer have a "relationship" with him, HE can again be your FB, and you can even swing with him if you so choose.

 

NO FUCKING WAY! All along it was a priority to find couples/singles that would respect

me in this, all the while I wasnt getting respect from the MOST important person, from him.

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FYI i was looking for either a fuck buddy or a relationship, depending on who i found and which they were better suited for. I was NOT looking to fool anyone like he was, i was NOT looking to even explore this lifestyle WITHIN a relationship.

 

I'd say go with being a single female for a while if you want to explore your sexuality. Its like being a single male as you won't get all of the aspects out of it, but you will get invited to a LOT more parties ;)

 

If you want a relationship, don't even THINK about swinging, even if you both have in the past, until you are both 100% secure.

 

Sounds like you found a wanker, and wankers are common all around, lifestyle or no.

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I'd say go with being a single female for a while if you want to explore your sexuality. Its like being a single male as you won't get all of the aspects out of it, but you will get invited to a LOT more parties ;)

 

If you want a relationship, don't even THINK about swinging, even if you both have in the past, until you are both 100% secure.

 

Sounds like you found a wanker, and wankers are common all around, lifestyle or no.

 

 

so then how would i eventualy (no time soon!) tell a potential parnter this is something im interested in down the road IF we work out? I dont think it would be fair to not tell someone.... nor do i want to end up with anyone sexually closed minded...

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so then how would i eventualy (no time soon!) tell a potential parnter this is something im interested in down the road IF we work out? I dont think it would be fair to not tell someone.... nor do i want to end up with anyone sexually closed minded...

 

One mistake people make in a relationship is giving TMI early on. They don't need to know everyone who had sex with, or how many at any given time prior to you having a relationship. They might be cool about it at first, until that L word shows up.

 

Personally I'd be worried if I had a relationship that from day one had NO jealousy and was 'swinger' friendly. I think that for most people its incompatable and will never get much beyond 'fuck buddy'.

 

I think if you want to swing in the future, you find someone who is like you, seems to be on the same page sexually, have a good relationship and then get into swinging.

 

If you REQUIRE swinging to be a given before you have your relationship be prepared for more of what you already went through.

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My first swinging experence was with a girl I was just dating. We where both older (mid-30's her/early 40's me), we had both been married, we where very much in love, we where very open with each other about our sexual wants and desires, and she suggested we try a swing club. We later lived togather for 3 years and continued swinging until we stopped seeing each other.

 

PS: Our swinging had nothing to do with why we do see each other, currently.

 

I just beginning to understand how unique that situation was and finding someone like her is going to be very hard.

 

 

Why did it work for us:

 

* We both wanted new sexual experences that you can not do as a male/female couple alone.

 

* We talked about rules and how not to make each other upset almost every time before and after going to a swing club.

 

* When in the club, we where very selective about who we "played" with and got away from agressive couples.

 

* I was focused on making sure she had a great time and she was focused on making sure I had a great time. We where not doing it for our own personal excitment but mutal excitement.

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Does swinging only work for married couples?
No, but if you're single, and living your life right, you'll soon realize it's only necessary for married couples.

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I would repectfully disagree, it's not necessary for anyone. Swinging is a choice, you make no matter if you are married, a couple, or single.

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No, but if you're single, and living your life right, you'll soon realize it's only necessary for married couples.

 

 

so your saying swinging is NECESSARY to your relationship? Now to me, that makes no sense... anyhow we OBVIOUSLY see things differently, and I feel a LOT of judgment coming from you, so maybe you shouldnt feel the need to reply to my posts. If neither of us are getting anything out of it, why waste your time?

 

Dez

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:)

so then how would i eventualy (no time soon!) tell a potential parnter this is something im interested in down the road IF we work out? I dont think it would be fair to not tell someone.... nor do i want to end up with anyone sexually closed minded...

 

Every couple on this board who is in the Lifestyle together had this conversation (breaking the news) at some time in their past. Even if they never explored this way in either of their pasts, there was at least a point where one of the partners had to open up to the other about their desires and fantasies, and see where it would go.

 

At the right point in a relationship, when they're important enough to you to share that deeply with, when it feels right to you, you share that.

 

If they turn out to be sexually close-minded and reject what you're saying, good....you're not a match and you need to part ways.

 

If they are interested in what you're saying and are open-minded about it, even if it's not something you pursue with them right away or any time soon, you've just learned something important about them and something that should show you have more in common. :)

 

Couples on this board were successful at sharing their thoughts, wishes and fantasies because they have developed great communication and a strong bond between them (respect and love, as well). Learning to talk to each other openly is a key to a great relationship.

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thank you Mr. B, however it was my own stupidity that i believed him, and yes i am glad i wised up to his games before it went too far.

I don't believe in the offendee (is that even a word? :confused: ) being the one that is stupid.

From what I have read, I gather you had your "personals" profile on a "swinging" website. Yes, this was probably a bad decision, in part due to the fact that people looking on those websites are looking for one (eventual) end. Now, having said that, my suggestions are as follows:

First- get yourself over him. Period. Before you do anything else.

Second- only when you are truly over him...and only YOU can make that decision as to when that might be......then think about what you are looking for. Are you looking for a series of FB's? Are you looking for a serious relationship that might eventually include this lifestyle, or would you be OK without this lifestyle at all? Again, only you can make these decisions.

If you are looking for a serious relationship, either with or without the much future potential of this LS, then I would suggest a rather vanilla approach....... one of the more heavily advertised sites, ie Match, eHarmony, etc. I have my opinions on those, but that's another thread.

The soon to be Mrs. Twofer and I met on Match, and are very much in love, and we absolutely could do without this LS, and it is NOT a necessary part of our lives, but we choose to be involved, as it makes life quite fun and interesting (sorry Jncc, had to disagree with ya, you know that!! :lol: ).

The biggest reason this works for us, as with most committed couples, is that we communicate very openly about what works for us, what doesn't, what each facet of this LS does or does not mean to us, etc. We constantly talk about EVERYTHING. Did we get there right away? Of course not. We've only been in the lifestyle a year, and we've only been together going on 3 years. However, we started out our relationship by talking, and talking and talking (as you can tell by the length of most of my posts....and Mrs talks even more than I do! :D ). We also have a great deal of respect for one another. Is it always so wonderful and perfect? PSH..hell no. But we constantly work on it. If I did not respect Mrs, and/or she not respect me? Not only would we be unable to be in the LS, there is no way we could be together.

Bottom line is, get your head and heart straight first, then move on from there.

IMHO.......

Mr Twofer

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I don't believe in the offendee (is that even a word? :confused: ) being the one that is stupid.

 

 

so are u calling me stupid or him? u lost me. I called myself stupid, i have other choice words for him that are much more severe and truthful. I'm human and allowed to make stupid mistakes, although i do consider myself an intelligent woman on many levels. I hurt myself in my stupidity, he set out to manipulate me, thats a whole lot worse than acting stupid.

 

most of the rest of your post is well taken, and already in line with my thinking, thank u

 

dez

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so are u calling me stupid or him? u lost me. I called myself stupid

You were calling yourself stupid, and I disagree with that. One should never call themselves stupid for making what turns out to be a bad choice. :nono: Just one of my little quirky things......hate hearing people talk down about themselves in a serious way. We all joke around about being stupid or clumsy or whatever (lol....do it all the time myself) but to do it in a serious way is not a good thing. You are not stupid, you simply made what turned out to be a bad choice in men. HE is the one that appears to be stupid, disrespectful, etc. for putting one over on you.:slam" He is a cad, and a fool, and you are correct in that HE is the type that makes single guys look bad. The better ones are like Jncc (even tho he and I tend to disagree on a lot of issues, I respect his manner and his insight from a singles' perspective), and a couple others that I have run across. If you look at a lot of the single men that have a lot of posts, they tend to have a lot more going for them in this LS than you might imagine.

I would just ask that you don't get too down on yourself for what he did. It happens to the best of us. head bang

Hugs!!!

Mr Twofer

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...we absolutely could do without this LS, and it is NOT a necessary part of our lives, but we choose to be involved, as it makes life quite fun and interesting (sorry Jncc, had to disagree with ya, you know that!!
Actually, I DO agree with you. In trying to condense two sentences into one, I managed to write something that was so bolloxed-up that even I don't know WTF I said. Let me try it again...

 

"If you're single, and have a desire to explore some fantasies with new and/or different (or multiple) partners, you shouldn't need to "swing". A few phone calls, or at most, a couple lines added to your profile should bring the necessary people into your life...and bedroom.

 

However, if you're in a relationship, and you want to explore those same fantasies without jeoparding that relationship, it will be 'necessary' for you to do it through some manifestation of swinging."

 

Of course not all couples "need" to swing, although I do think that it keeps some couples from the temptation to have casual affairs.

 

I feel a LOT of judgment coming from you, so maybe you shouldnt feel the need to reply to my posts. If neither of us are getting anything out of it, why waste your time?
Darlin', when you make as many posts as you have to a website like this asking for comments, advice, answers, etc., you're gonna get 'em. Not all of those answers are gonna be ones you want to hear. (After all, if you were doing such a good job of living your life, you wouldn't be asking the questions in the first place, right?)

 

Don't assume we're judging you, and don't take offense to our comments on your predicament. Most of the people I consider my most trusted friends, advisors, and confidants, are folks who disagree with me much of the time. One of the things I value most about their friendship is their honesty, and the fact that they don't bullshit me when I ask them a question.

 

When I want smoke blown up my ass about how "right" I am about something, or what a great guy I am, I go to my family. When I want a straight answer to a question, I go to my friends.

 

In that spirit, I hope you'll find it in your heart to consider some of the people you meet in here your "friends."

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(After all, if you were doing such a good job of living your life, you wouldn't be asking the questions in the first place, right?)

 

 

WHO are YOU or ANYONE else here to determine IF im "doing a good job at living my life"?

 

YOU judge me, which is a WHOLE LOT different than offering advice, or responding to a post

 

a TRUE friend may very well offer HONEST criticism, but MY friends dont judge me based on what they believe to be right or wrong.

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Actually, I DO agree with you. In trying to condense two sentences into one, I managed to write something that was so bolloxed-up that even I don't know WTF I said. Let me try it again...

 

"If you're single, and have a desire to explore some fantasies with new and/or different (or multiple) partners, you shouldn't need to "swing". A few phone calls, or at most, a couple lines added to your profile should bring the necessary people into your life...and bedroom.

 

However, if you're in a relationship, and you want to explore those same fantasies without jeoparding that relationship, it will be 'necessary' for you to do it through some manifestation of swinging."

 

Of course not all couples "need" to swing, although I do think that it keeps some couples from the temptation to have casual affairs.

 

 

I am glad you clarified. When you first posted what you did, it sounded like you were just trying to piss off married people. The above sounds perfectly reasonable.

 

Of course, we all know you're not afraid to piss anyone off... :) the distinction is whether you actually do it for amusement.

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WHO are YOU or ANYONE else here to determine IF im "doing a good job at living my life"?

 

YOU judge me, which is a WHOLE LOT different than offering advice, or responding to a post

 

a TRUE friend may very well offer HONEST criticism, but MY friends dont judge me based on what they believe to be right or wrong.

Well then, what do your "friends" say when you tell them that you put an ad on a swingers website "looking for straight-up sex!," then complain because some guy you met there only wants to swing with you, not have a relationship with you?

 

In the last month, a number of people in here have taken their time to answer your questions and offer their comments (when asked) about the various "situations" you've found yourself in. But lately, it seems your questions and comments serve mainly to run your ex- "boyfriend" into the ground for dumping you, or to garner sympathy for yourself for his doing so.

 

It's obvious to me that it's no longer "answers" that you seek...it's ATTENTION.

 

It's a good thing I'm NOT "being judgemental of you," because if I were, I'd ask if you've ever been diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder, or if you're presently on any mood-stabilizing drugs. If so, I'd want to know if you're current on your medication, and how long it's been since your dosage was adjusted.

 

Of course, we all know you're not afraid to piss anyone off... :) the distinction is whether you actually do it for amusement.
For amusement? Never. With impunity? Always, my dear. Always...

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In the last month, a number of people in here have taken their time to answer your questions and offer their comments (when asked) about the various "situations" you've found yourself in. But lately, it seems your questions and comments serve mainly to run your ex- "boyfriend" into the ground for dumping you, or to garner sympathy for yourself for his doing so.

 

It's obvious to me that it's no longer "answers" that you seek...it's ATTENTION.

 

Although JnCC is probably stating it a tad more bluntly than I would, I am beginning to get that impression. I am not saying that you (dezaray) don't have honest questions or concerns, I am simply saying that alot of your more recent posts go towards bashing the ex. Ok, you're hurt. We understand that. He was an ass. Got it. He is still lying on his profile just to get laid. Darlin, ya'll are broke up, its not your concern anymore what he does now. Best advice I got for you, is pick up the pieces, dust off your knees, say he's a jerk, he's outta my life finally, and move on whether its locating a fuck buddy, or someone for a relationship. But you could have ended up with so much worse than someone who lied. Put in in perspective and move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

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Although JnCC is probably stating it a tad more bluntly than I would, I am beginning to get that impression. I am not saying that you (dezaray) don't have honest questions or concerns, I am simply saying that alot of your more recent posts go towards bashing the ex. Ok, you're hurt. We understand that. He was an ass. Got it. He is still lying on his profile just to get laid. Darlin, ya'll are broke up, its not your concern anymore what he does now. Best advice I got for you, is pick up the pieces, dust off your knees, say he's a jerk, he's outta my life finally, and move on whether its locating a fuck buddy, or someone for a relationship. But you could have ended up with so much worse than someone who lied. Put in in perspective and move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

JnCC......blunt? :lol::rofl: Never :D whoooowee.......lol.....me sides be hurtin'..... ahem. anyway.

Yes, it may be blunt, and yes JnCC, you could use a couple lessons in tact, but we love ya anyway!! BUTTTTTTTT (I like big butts and I can not lie...oh oops. sorry. got off on a Sir Mixalot tangent), he (JnCC)speaks total truth.

I can empathize with you, Dez, as I did a lot of the same with my friends, and even some dates :eek: ..... I whined, complained, bashed my ex, etc, feeling justified because I was hurting. I finally got over it when a good friend looked at me after a rather lengthy tirade and asked "are ya done whinin? You booted her for good reason, get over her, move on and quit yer bitchin." Now, this was a few months after my divorce, but hell, I'd been with her 20 years, so I felt entitled to a few months of crying in my beer. Once my friend said that to me, I realized I was ruining perfectly good beer. I sucked it up, quit my whinin', and lo and behold, very soon after, I found the soon to be (100 days and counting) Mrs Twofer, and have been more happy than I could have ever imagined.

Moral of my very lengthy response is.......... every where you turn you are going to hear one thing. Let go of the past, and move on. You will not, cannot be truly happy until you do. You are going to hear this over and over until you hear it in your sleep, in the shower, coming from your computer, hell, you may even hear it in the rythmic swish of the clothes washer. (oh, wait, no, that was one of my episodes. sorry :D )

Lighten up, relax, have fun with life. YOU, my dear, are at a great fork in the road. The path you take from here will determine your happiness. The easy, well mown, clear, trimmed path is the one on which you continue to whine and complain, the other one is grown over, dark, scary and in much need of some TLC. THAT path is one of unknown fun, treasures and excitement :fun: . Life is like that much of the time.

Here's to the scary path!! May it cut you and bruise you, as we all have had done to us. For those cuts and bruises are the badges we wear to remind us to love and have fun, no matter the price.

soapbox Twofer, steppin down now......... Surrender

Take care, Dez, in the immortal words of the "Crazy Cajun"..... "You can doooo it!!!"

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i think swinging works for couples who are interested in it together or want to add something new to there lifes , ITs not something that should be disscussed in haste. Its something should be disscussed with deep thought and both parties should be in agreement swinging is about TRUST and RESPECT, and BOUNDRIES . both parties should understand what limits or " personal rules" that apply always remeber IF you or your partner dont feel comfortable with it then you shouldnt do it.

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No, darlin'...you set yourself up for failure by putting your personal ad on a swingers website, when what you were looking for was a relationship, not a Fuck-Buddy.

 

Leggz and I met on AFF last March: she had used the before to find men for a potential relationship; I was profiled as a single Dom looking for couples to spank. Talk about two disparate catagories.

 

We agreed early on that if you know what someone is like sexually, then a lot of who they are has been opened to you. Sounds like this guy, however, really wasn't mature enough to meet a woman seeking a relationship, period. And those guys are all over any intro website.

 

By the way, Tuesday (next) 06-20-06, our wedding will be at the Kern (CA)County clerk's office at 11:30 A.M. Drop by if you're in the neighborhood. ::P:

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