My Way or No Way?

[Elusive BiFem]

We've seen some recent post in which people believe that because they prefer a certain activity, their play partners should accommodate their preferences at least some of the time. The word "fair" was used. Another posts had to do with photos and the sending of them. I, for one, will not send photos. Period and end of story. Personally, the more someone pressures me to do so, the more firm my stand. (and those that know me well know that I can become a boulder! )

So what do others think? If you and your partner have agreed to same room only activity, do you feel you are being pressured if someone insists upon separate rooms? If you've posted in your profile that you will only participate in same-room activity, how would you respond to someone attempting to pressure you into separate rooms? Do you feel you need to occasionally "accommodate" that other couple? Would you go along with that person's desires just to swing with them once or even on a frequent basis? As for the photo issue - do you feel that your need for discretion out-weighs that of others?

Certainly, we can all change our boundaries as we come to know people, but I'm talking in the beginning here. What do you think?

- EBF

[GirlieZ]

Originally Posted by Elusive BiFem

So what do others think? If you and your partner have agreed to same room only activity, do you feel you are being pressured if someone insists upon separate rooms? If you've posted in your profile that you will only participate in same-room activity, how would you respond to someone attempting to pressure you into separate rooms? Do you feel you need to occasionally "accommodate" that other couple? Would you go along with that person's desires just to swing with them once or even on a frequent basis? As for the photo issue - do you feel that your need for discretion out-weighs that of others?

Certainly, we can all change our boundaries as we come to know people, but I'm talking in the beginning here. What do you think?

- EBF

If I am consistantly forced to go beyond what my good sense tells me, I tend to clam up. I become very un-flexible. I resent that person and eventually I will dislike them...not for their choices but for what they are trying to force me to do.

If you are constantly challenging another person's decisions I look at it as a total lack of respect on the challenger's part, not the one standing by his or her decisions. If a person can not respect another's decisions for what they are...then the disrespecting party has no right in this lifestyle.

When looking for potential playmates--we look for others like us--and we are generally happy with our search.

As for the photo thing--I will not post mine! I have a good life and I choose to protect the innocent by not posting our photos. My hubby is in a high profile job out here in Smallville USA. Other people have no qualms about posting their pictures...which is great! I shouldn't demand that they take their's down, just as they shouldn't demand that I put one up! My discretion is as important as anyone else's and I would not ask them to change for me one iota. I hope that my decision is respected just as much. If not the case..I won't play.

Zgirl

[HotCoupleGnS]

We accomadate to people on some things. But never on separate rooms. We had a couple write us once that ONLY played in separate rooms. We didn't talk to them for very long. Personally we felt that there was something wrong there. She said she couldn't enjoy herself with him in the room. Everyone has there own thing, but that just struck us as weird. A married couple that wouldn't play in the same room.

We have found that most couples that do play in separte rooms will accomadate to us. They mostly don't mind playing in the same room if we were to meet. But we will NEVER play in separate rooms. We feel that we got into this together b/c we wanted to enjoy it together why wouldn't we be together?

On the picture, we won't meet someone without seeing a pic. They don't have to send them until they are comfy though. I know people lie & will send pics that aren't theirs, but if we go to meet them & we don't see someone that looks like their pic we would just leave, lol! But we feel that if it comes to a point we are going to meet, then the discretion thing kind of goes out the window. I mean we are going to see what you look like then? But we respect people that don't send them the first time we talk.

[2New2it]

Since we have only participated in threesomes, there are fewer voters when it comes to setting rules. We make sure everyone is aware of the rules before anything takes place and we won't change rules in mid-stream. If we become comfortable with someone, we can be more flexible the next time, but we don't demand, nor do we expect demands.

[JustAskJulie]

My opinion - If you have rules and boundaries that you have set and made clear to others you are interested in playing with and they attempt to make you change them then you need to find new playmates. You set your rules so that YOU are comfortable and then you find people who are willing to work with your rules. If they don't want to work with your rules then they can go and find someone else who's rules they like better.

Goes back to one of the major rules of swinging - Move at the speed of the slowest person. = Swing by the rules of the person/people with the most restrictive rules.

[wrnakedru]

Most always our profile includes [at least once] a tag line of "No pressures given or accepted."

I think that there certainly are some who may change their initial "ground rules" once they get to know another couple very well - they have been together many times - a friendship bond has formed - they have done social activities together in addition to the intimate activities. But I'm equally sure those changes transpire as a result of communication among the four and it is an agreement to change that all four are comfortable with occurring.

I don't think it is a good idea for us [or anyone else] to go into getting together with others thinking "Well, they say soft swing but once we make them comfy with us, I'm sure they'll do full swap." Or to anticipate any change from the desired activity that has been clearly spelled out in a profile regardless the category.

If we are not happy with the stated structure being sought by others, they are not a good match for us. PERIOD. We move on. We look elsewhere. We don't go into anything with a plan to "bring them around" to our desired activity.

To us, that would be as dishonest as responding to an ad that clearly states "Seeking NON-smokers only". We are both smokers, and we would deserve to be resoundingly rebuffed by anyone if we attempted to pass ourselves off as anything else.

There are some areas that may be flexible for a couple. If their profile doesn't state that flexibility, one can certainly ask. But we believe it is important to be clear in those areas that are "deal breakers"; we won't compromise those areas and we would never expect others to compromise theirs either.

We felt it was crucial to determine which are our "no compromise" items, so that we didn't end up in a situation that didn't meet those. It means a bit more time in finding others, certainly, but it's been a helpful way to avoid problems and discomfort.

And having stated "No pressures given or accepted" we can become quite unfriendly if pressure is attempted.

WR

[MrsBliss]

I reacted already in the topic about the same/separate room and also at the photo topic.

I think that there are enough people who have the same ideas as we do, so why "bother" to accomodate people when you are crossing your own borders with that?

Of course it is okay to accomodate people as much as possible (for example if they do not want to kiss, that is of course okay with us) but I do not want to endanger our own rules.

[good times]

While we have very few cast in stone rules, we won't budge on the ones we have. We haven't had too much problem with this except in the area of bi female activities which my wife is not into but some women try to push her into it even after they know she isn't into going there. In fact, just this morning she told me that last time we were at the club she had a little too much to drink and next thing you know a women that Knew she wasn't into it went down on her and was licking her poon while she was standing there talking to some other people. She was pretty pissed off and has vowed to limit her drinking at the club in the future so she can see this type of thing coming sooner and take steps to avoid it.

We also will never send pictures, but so far this hasn't been a problem. We have been asked to send pictures but once we explain that we won't send them we haven't been further pressured to.

[SweetNStud]

Usually we are a pretty easy going couple and we set our rules according to each situation. However, if we are not comfortable, we will not do something just to accommodate someone else. We would never expect that from others so why should they expect that from us. For us to do something such as separate rooms, we both need to agree beforehand or "signal" to agree when the situation presents itself. (Yes, we do have little signals just in case there is a time that we can not talk one on one for whatever reason. ) Now if it was someone trying to pressure us, we wouldn't even bother with them.

As for pictures...we do require to see a picture or two before meeting anyone. Of course we give them pictures of us in exchange, so its only fair.

~Mrs SnS

[jcbicouple]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

My opinion - If you have rules and boundaries that you have set and made clear to others you are interested in playing with and they attempt to make you change them then you need to find new playmates. You set your rules so that YOU are comfortable and then you find people who are willing to work with your rules. If they don't want to work with your rules then they can go and find someone else who's rules they like better.

Goes back to one of the major rules of swinging - Move at the speed of the slowest person. = Swing by the rules of the person/people with the most restrictive rules.

Dito

If you don't see eye to eye on things you enjoy with another couple (or single for that matter) move on! There are a lot more people out there, that you will have A LOT more fun with than someone that would ask you to bend your rules. It's all about pleasing each other and having fun. If you aren't doing those two things: You aren't with the right people.

[frenzb4sex]

I know this has been hashed and rehashed, but I think the most important thing is to be as straight up as possible up front--for everything. For those of you that are on swappernet, I invite you to check out our profile on there--it's under bugsnlola96922 (and hey, if ya like, drop us a line--LMAO shameless product placement). I am not saying that ours is the ultimate, but I took a LOT of time and effort in making it very complete. It's not a rulebook that is a mile long, it just describes the both of us in a very distinct way so that you KNOW when you get an email from us or decide to send an email to us what you're getting into muhahahahahaahahaaaaaaa..and of course, I try to add humor to it all, so remember to tip your waiters and waitresses, they're working haaaaaaaaaard for YOU!

The point is, we all know that we have preferences. Why I agree that this is a lifestyle that you should hold firm to your likes and dislikes so that you can enrich your experience as much as possible, I also think that constantly questioning those and seeing how you can open your mind is also a great thing to do. Restaking your boundaries as your experiences and mind expands needs to a natural evolution that I believe brings people closer to a "swinger mecca" if you will. And everyone is different, again, and that is what is sooooooooo awesome about all of this. As long as people are very honest and aren't trying to do things they don't want to do or are unsure of, everyone involved should have an awesome time in any given situation, imo.

Tim

[BradAndJanet]

Dito frenzb4sex...

We think it's best to be honest up front about what your boundaries are and look for people who have similar preferences. There's no shame in saying, "Hey, this isn't going to work out; we're looking for different things."

We've arrived at the place we are through careful consideration and much discussion. We would be insulted by anyone who tried to pressure us into changing our minds, or tried to guilt-trip us into doing something we're not comfortable with.

-B

[Chemistry_0518]

Dito We pride ourselves at being flexible with regard to most things, but when it comes to our personal preferences, some of that flexibility vanishes. We have g-rated pictures posted, but we do not require that someone do the same. We would much prefer to see a g-rated (only) picture of the people that we plan to meet, and so far have agreed to forego this preference on only one occasion. While the results were not disastrous, they fell considerably below our expectations, but since we have another preference of meeting socially before playing, no one was placed in the uncomfortable position of feeling pressured.

But as has been said earlier, when there is a demand that we change to accomodate someone, all flexibility will magically disappear. One couple who said that they are not looking for friends demanded that we be ready to play at the first meeting. When we explained that it would be highly irregular and unlikely that we would comply, they called us wimps and "game players" and "not for real", etc., etc. Result: they went their separate way but continued with a few rather derogatory messages before finally giving up. Asi if that would make us change our mind! POOF!!!!

[fun_pairTX]

We have few rules, not separating is one of the inflexible ones. If a couple tells us they only swing in separate rooms, we very politely decline.

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally Posted by BradAndJanet

We've arrived at the place we are through careful consideration and much discussion. We would be insulted by anyone who tried to pressure us into changing our minds, or tried to guilt-trip us into doing something we're not comfortable with.-B

I believe this may be where many of us are, Brad, and maybe that is the reason some of us take a dim view of being pushed beyond our limits. In my case, there was no discussion (the dogs don't care and only pretend to listen), but there was certainly a huge amount of careful consideration. And it is ongoing. - EBF