Creating an intimate atmosphere that doesn't threaten relationships

[just1gurl]

Alrighty then, I've been reading and reading these posts.

My question is:

WHAT EXACTLY IS IT THAT "RESPECTS" the couples involved and their relationship????

This is alluded too, seconded, and amened all over the boards. BUT WHAT IS IT?

What I know- we are coming together for unrestricted - consensual sex with peoples' partners. This is agreed. What part is it that crosses the line?

From my experience - the brain is the best sex organ a guys got. I love to mess with their brains. But you know a little flirting is to boost the old ego! Thats a real necessity to them, just from my experience. tickle their grey matter.....

I don't want them to fall in love, I don't want to take them home (unless we were all going) but this play to get the juices flowing, would that be construed to be misleading, um, or to make jealousies boil etc? I'd look for honest things I'd admire about the person, and the desire to make them feel good, and special! -- just rubbing the naughty bits to me is a dis-service to the act of fun. I'd imagine though everyone may be different on what it is that would create problems.

Could ya'll share your thoughts on creating an intimate atmosphere but that doesn't "threaten" relationships?

seems like it could be treacherous grounds?

[Dynamar]

Dayum gurl! Great question... I'm gonna pull up a chair and pop some popcorn and see what all of the esteemed couples have to say about this one...

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by just1gurl

What I know- we are coming together for unrestricted - consensual sex with peoples' partners. This is agreed. What part is it that crosses the line?

Dynamar is correct, this is a darn good question about r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

I put that word "unrestricted" in bold because I disagree with that part of your statement. I think swinging has all kinds of restrictions; they are commonly referred to as "rules" or "guidelines" couples set and agree to follow. These include what they expect from each other and from the swingers they play with.

Here is where the respect comes in - if somebody doesn't adhere to the rules, that's disrespectful.

As you continue to read the Board you'll see a husband or wife post about how their spouse didn't play by the rules and because of this they feel they've been wronged and disrespected. The same can happen from play partners who don't follow the rules that were agreed upon ahead of time.

For this reason communication is so highly stressed in the lifestyle.

From my experience - the brain is the best sex organ a guys got. I love to mess with their brains. But you know a little flirting is to boost the old ego! Thats a real necessity to them, just from my experience. tickle their grey matter.....

I don't want them to fall in love, I don't want to take them home (unless we were all going) but this play to get the juices flowing, would that be construed to be misleading, um, or to make jealousies boil etc? I'd look for honest things I'd admire about the person, and the desire to make them feel good, and special! -- just rubbing the naughty bits to me is a dis-service to the act of fun. I'd imagine though everyone may be different on what it is that would create problems.

Exactly. And this is where it gets more complicated. Because there are always going to be couples who have issues between themselves that you have no knowledge of, you may end up upsetting them. Jealousy is a biggy in swinging. Just as you said, you like stroking the brain matter and making a man feel good. Some women don't know how to do that to their own husbands, and when another woman comes along who is good at it, they may be upset.

Swinging is not simple. It's complicated, unless, as I've heard it said on the Board by some members, it's only about fucking.

For me it's more than that.

Could ya'll share your thoughts on creating an intimate atmosphere but that doesn't "threaten" relationships?

seems like it could be treacherous grounds?

You learn as you go along. I think the more people you meet the better you get at knowing who likes to swing the way you do, and those are the people you will be happiest with.

If you like being intimate with your playmates, be that way. You've got to be yourself when swinging or you won't enjoy it. I'm presuming you want respect from the people you swing with. It's been said many times but I'll say it again; treat others as you would like them to treat you and that's the best you can do to give others respect.

LM

[sereneiders]

I wholly agree with LikeMinds here.

Because of this, it's important to talk beforehand, tell each other their limits, listen the rules and clarify whatever doubt anyone may have. If you feel unconfortable with some of the rules, let them know, even when this could lead to avoid the game, and by no mean try to get you way by breaking a rule basing yourself in your own estimation of the rule importance for the couple: if a couple sets a rule, it IS important for them, it protects them from things they properly know.

You may find out that some couples rules aren't "consistent" enough (they may be news in the scene and they may haven't still developed a "final set" of rules nased on their experience). I believe it is respectfull to point out your doubts regarding to the inconsistences, or else go along paying attention to avoid messing up with the inconsistences (since this would be to take adventage of them to make your own way).

You have a valuable position here... there are way fewer single womans up to game than couples looking for them. It will pay better to decline an invitation because of the risk of messing up with the couple set of rules, than to risk to be part of a drama because of this.

I also want to point out that the rules the couples made up may have a lot in common with other couple's rules, but there are not necesarily the same.

As for us, we like people with your attitude towards sex and intimacy, and we valuate the intimacy and even the attitudes usually pertaining to the love and care more than sex (and I know we're uncommon about this, since we still had and we're still open to poliamoral relationships). Be upfront about what you want and the way you'd like things to happen (moreover, ensure to make this clear to the wyfe), the kind of attitudes you'd like to have with them, the way you may behave, and the meaning this have for you, to avoid missunderstandings.

Be yourself and be honest. I believe these two things is what most swingers appreciate the most.

[BodyScape02]

To me it meant that the woman did not contact my man directly, without my knowledge. As in, meet him for lunch without me, or, send e-mail to an alternate address (other than our joint account created for the purpose of swinging). Or try and set up play with just him, when our profile stated we were a couple and that we swing only as a couple.)


That worked in the inverse also (In so far as single men and I were concerned). I would never give a single my cell number... I gave them my mates.

Why? Because that all smacks of secrecy and subterfuge and it is all about being sneaky and working to attain something that belongs to someone else... ie ... it reeks of "cheating"

So even if it is "on the up and up" it still plants the seeds of doubt that will eventually destroy even the best relationship. It kills trust... and without that...valid or not...a relationship will eventually perish.



~Cat

[ANGEDKY(mr)]

This is alluded too, seconded, and amened all over the boards. BUT WHAT IS IT?

For us it is easy..............treat us as one, not as a man and a woman, nor wife and husband, but as one. Granted how you engage each of us on a personal level will differ slightly, but as a whole view us as one slice of life, not two pieces on one plate and the rest will fall into place.

[BodyScape02]

I just wanted to say...my opinion comes from experience ...

If you check far back in my postings you will see we had a woman interested in play with us, ( and particularly interested in my mate) who played with a married man and gave him a cert ( on Swing Lifestyle) that she would gladly enjoy his company again.


In checking on her profile I followed the links and discovered he glowing certification. She helped him commit adultery! She wanted to meet my man for "lunch" and was contacting him on her own... needless to say I was a bit ..upset.

I mentioned it to my ex and she erased it . Luckily, I copied it prior to her removal of it... so I could prove I was not nuts. My ex was thrilled to have a single woman interested in him/us and felt I was over reacting.

I told her no and called her on it... and my ex was a tad upset at me... so I contacted the board for help and perspective, as I was very new to this. It is in a thread entitled “ Would you trust this woman???”

You can read more about here:

http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/...ad.php?t=10051

[NandTfromCA]

To us, respect is in the way people treat others- their own partner, N, me, and anyone else around. Nothing turns us off faster then when one of the partners is demeaning or rude to the other. Politeness and kindness are paramount for us and we try to get with couples that feel the same way.

Another piece of the respect equation is being sure that something is OK before taking a giant leap. It would be annoying if a partner were to give you the "do you like this...how about this..." every few seconds, but I would consider it disrespectful for a guy to go from kissing my wife to throwing her on the bed and backdooring her without some checkpoints in between. Checkpoints- moving slowly and gauging the other's reaction OR verbally checking in ("you ok with...?").

Sure, sometimes there will be misunderstandings and someone will be misread, but respect also comes in the way that is handled. If a person were to start doing something that I am not comfortable with, I would respect them enough to kindly (respectfully) tell them without bruising their ago or embarrassing them.

-T

[good times]

Originally Posted by ANGEDKY(mr)

For us it is easy..............treat us as one, not as a man and a woman, nor wife and husband, but as one. Granted how you engage each of us on a personal level will differ slightly, but as a whole view us as one slice of life, not two pieces on one plate and the rest will fall into place.

Dito what ANGEDKY said for us.

Our rules or guidelines are pretty flexible, but I would consider it disrespectfull if someone tryed to go behind one of our backs to set something up knowing or even suspecting that the other spouse would not approve of the idea.

[Spoomonkey]

Yep - as most have said above, if you treat us like an "us" you are doing pretty well. After all, I would treat you like I was an "us". In other words, I wouldn't do anything that would hurt Mrs Spoo.

I also agree with LM - "unrestricted" is definitely the wrong word. Playmates are invited to play within OUR boundaries.

Spoomonkey

[just1gurl]

Whats a "cert"?


gotcha on unrestricted. I guess having lived in a vanilla world where an innocent smile - one meaning nothing - could - HAS gotten me in trouble- everyone being ok with sex is pretty unrestricted in my book,

but perhaps you mean....

like - ok to put this there

and OK to do this - but not that

dont cuddle afterwards - shes mine or

whatever it is that gets them going

AND ALWAYs - DARN IT - gotta have those stupid rubbers. I hate rubbers, but I dislike viruses even more.

is that what you mean but not unrestricted sex? or is there still more I'm not getting??

------------------------------------------------------------------

i'm sorta smart cuz I's asks dumb questions. Lots of dumb questions.

all ears! tell me more

[Thrax]

Originally Posted by just1gurl

Whats a "cert"?

A breath mint.

ok to put this there
and OK to do this - but not that

Rules are rules. Smart couples and singles follow them. If I as a swinger know where the boundaries are, I can decide if I want to play within those boundaries. If not, I try to convince someone (or them) to change the rules. If we agree, it's a party; if we don't agree, then it's bye-bye or more talk, to be succinct.

dont cuddle afterwards - shes mine or whatever it is that gets them going

In true swinging, ANY party can decide where the "NO" boundary is. I'm a single male. Sometimes the boundaries make me unhappy. Too bad. Those are the rules.

AND ALWAYs - DARN IT - gotta have those stupid rubbers. I hate rubbers, but I dislike viruses even more.

You aren't the only one who hates rubbers. In that category haters are probably 99% or more. But, if those are the rules, those are the rules. (I hate viruses, therefore I must love rubbers?) No rubbers? Then that means TRUST, which is affiliated with RESPECT.

is that what you mean but not unrestricted sex? or is there still more I'm not getting??

Unfortunately, there is no true "unrestricted sex." Oh, if sex could be unrestricted, casual, etc.

[Thrax]

Oh, and I think "cert" has to do with someone being certified on a swing website, i.e., that person is a "genuine" swinger. They're real, and not some poser who contacts swingers but never hooks up.

I'm sure I'll be corrected if I'm wrong.

Thrax

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Thrax

If not, I try to convince someone (or them) to change the rules.

This would be a HUGE turn off for us. It is important that we are respected enough for it to be assumed that we have our boundaries for a reason (and have thought long and hard enough about them that we aren't going to "sold" off of them).

We have changed our rules - but only after we were 100% sure that the people we were playing with respected our rules; never because they asked us to change them. When someone treats us with respect, we are more comfortable to bend our rules (of our own accord) - when someone challenges our boundaries, we are more likely to respond defensively.

Be very careful about asking a couple to change their rules - that is an excellent example of "disrespect" and isn't likely to go over particularly well.

Spoomonkey

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by ANGEDKY(mr)

For us it is easy..............treat us as one, not as a man and a woman, nor wife and husband, but as one. Granted how you engage each of us on a personal level will differ slightly, but as a whole view us as one slice of life, not two pieces on one plate and the rest will fall into place.

This is it. We play together, we don't have separate and secret emails and don't give out our separate cell phone numbers. We read and compose email responses together and agree on the couples and singles we'll play with.

For instance one thing that really bothers me at the club is when a single guy (this works in reverse for single women too) comes up to me as soon as Spoo walks away. At that point you have already lost regardless of how much of a hunk you are or how well hung. You've just disrespected Spoo in my book and I will brush you off as fast as I can.

We were talking with a stripper that came and did a show at the club and she hugged me good bye and addressed me most of the time while talking with both of us. She's married, doesn't swing and has a boat load of kids, as she left Spoo jokingly said aren't you going to say good bye to me too. She "yes but I didn't want to disrespect your wife by assuming it was okay to do that". Wow! Now that is respect. She was very sweet and never rude to Spoo and we all talked for quite a while but her whole demeanor was respectful the whole time. I hope, since in her profession I'm sure she doesn't get respect all the time, that she felt like she got it from us. Our conversation was about kids and some personal things and never even went to stripping or swinging.

I guess the point is respect the couple and never come across like your trying to move in on one or the other.

Mrs Spoomonkey