Creating an intimate atmosphere that doesn't threaten relationships

[just1gurl]

all info helps clarify what some more experiencd people have come to accept as "the lifestyle".

I'd also found a bunch of archived conversations about rules as well, and yes, also on the swinger advice link (!) since asking.

the references to drama - which i understand to be issues with jealousy - that pop up are just not my idea of a fun evening. Especially so since what I have been thinking about doing is having - not unrestricted!! sex - but SEX for heavens sake with someones husband and sharing my SO if it reaches that stage, and I expect to have some emotions of my own, I'm pretty much human and definately a girl..

BUT!!! Swinging! I can't imagine expecting much more than the physical relations, I've read others who like the emotional charge from connecting with others, and THAT only makes sense to me, and after thinking about it that seems like that might be pretty damn sexy to find another couple that where all four got a charge- 1. sex, 2. some emotion, but as a temporary setup... that is explicit in the deal...nothing unsaid there.

If I had emotions to deal with I'd do it later on my own time and evaluate the whole thing and whether I fit this lifestyle, not freak out on people who showed up at my invitation to have sex with.

I can completely respect anyone's choice to do as they please and set rules for their sexual boundaries....

For instance - all though the no-kissing rule, as some posts mention is pretty bizare to me personally, ((can't resist injecting my two cents, sure stick your cock in my mouth AND elsewhere, but heavens, no not your tongue.---I'm a human being, I'm not a hunk of meat you are permitting your husbands to fuck. I don't want to keep him, this gurl just wants to have fun. )) off my soapbox now, OK - that would be a dealbreaker - and we go seperate ways, but before I found those rules links everyone just mentioned the rules..

I was afraid of commiting the equivalent of using the wrong fork, you know.



can it be that simple to avoid drama-discuss the threesome/foursomes intentions and expectations beforehand?

I'd neither have the patience for someones scenes, but also I wouldn't want to be "the thing" that came between a man and his wife. But after all this discussion - Are we all still in the mood?


seems like we need a really intense search engine - like that eharmony- 29 dimensions of compatibility!! Questions could be covered in your setup - I'll take it in the ass, yes or no. I can put this there, but you may not do this to me.... so that the computer matches you up and provides compatible people and you can start with the attraction and forget the details? It seems pretty time intensive to start from scratch over and over and over....

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I DO so much wish I lived in the Walgreens world. Have you seen the commercials, like everything is perfect, never any lines to wait in, money does grow on trees, there are no rubbers or STD's...

The part about respecting others: I wish I lived in the Walgreens world. otherwise that kind of person can sometimes be hard to find!

Thanks for everyones input. It really has help a lot to decide to venture here and what to know to make it successful.

(by the way - for the folks who get turned off by spelling errors and grammer doo-doos, it is against my rules to spell check posts/emails who don't have that function built in!

~v.

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by BodyScape02

My ex was thrilled to have a single woman interested in him/us and felt I was over reacting.

Did you two split up?

[NandTfromCA]

Originally Posted by just1gurl

If I had emotions to deal with I'd do it later on my own time and evaluate the whole thing and whether I fit this lifestyle, not freak out on people who showed up at my invitation to have sex with.

I don't think "No drama" necessarily means staying silent even if something bothers you, until it (whatever it is) is done. You can nicely but directly say something like "____ is starting to bug me a little. Let's slow it down a bit." or "You guys are great, this is fun, but we need to stop for now because the situation is making me uncomfortable." We have never had to say (or hear) either of those but wouldn't mind a bit if a couple got to that point and said it...as long is they didn't use the Jerry McGuire-I'm taking the fish-freak out voice.

You may not have meant it that way but just wanted to pose a point, either way.

Mr.

[BodyScape02]

Originally Posted by Vespertine

Did you two split up?

Yes Vespertine... we did... just yesterday, we still remain close friends and there is no animosity between us... just a realization that while we love each other dearly... we were ultimately not compatible for the long run. For both of us there is no other man or other woman. No drama, just quiet and sad acceptance.

I will miss him dearly (in bed) but I am so glad I did not loose him forever in a dramatic "shoot out" of emotions.

We both felt it was better to be in a "Jerry and Elaine on Seinfeld" type of arrangement than a "dead to me forever" deal.

When you come down to it... it is about being an adult about the whole thing and respecting the love you shared for so long.

So there is the long and short of it for you all.

I hope you will welcome me on the boards as the new single female with a couples perspective... as I bide my time and try to decide if this is the lifestyle for me.

For now... I am not interested in "getting " another man or relationship. I wish to politely morn this one.

~Cat

[just1gurl]

Dear Cat,

best wishes on your change, it sounds like you know it had to come to an end so hurrahs for your courage! but feel free to cry on our shoulders

or laugh!

or both.

in case you need a laugh:




Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "What part did you get?"

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by BodyScape02

I hope you will welcome me on the boards as the new single female with a couples perspective...

I can't imagine any reason why you wouldn't belong here

Here's hoping the best for you.

Spoomonkey

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by BodyScape02

Yes Vespertine... we did... just yesterday, we still remain close friends and there is no animosity between us...

I'm sorry to hear that, Cat.

Best of luck to you both... and good for you two for being mature about it.

[BodyScape02]

Originally Posted by just1gurl

in case you need a laugh:
...
Two Irish nuns

Yes, I did need a laugh and thank you very much, I loved the joke.


And thank you Spoo... It is nice to be wanted... not in a sexual way...but then again...I like that too!
~Cat

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by BodyScape02

I hope you will welcome me on the boards as the new single female with a couples perspective... as I bide my time and try to decide if this is the lifestyle for me. ~Cat

Cat, I can't imagine the board without you so please don't go anywhere. I'm sure you will offer a new and unique perspective to many things around here.

Mrs Spoomonkey

[BodyScape02]

Originally Posted by Mrs Spoomonkey

Cat, I can't imagine the board without you so please don't go anywhere. I'm sure you will offer a new and unique perspective to many things around here.

Mrs Spoomonkey

Thanks Mrs Spoo... I appreciate it. I will try...although I am single... I really do still think in couples mode. It is kind of weird.

I at least have the advantage of knowing what both sides are looking for and how to define boundries.

I mean lets face it... if anyones husband comes on to me without the wife knowning or asks me to meet on the side.

We know one thing for sure... I will out him. No if's ands or buts. lol

Now if I can just find a really well hung male playmate in my area... I am getting a little... ah peckish...

~Cat (on a hot tin roof) .

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by just1gurl

Alrighty then, I've been reading and reading these posts.

My question is:

WHAT EXACTLY IS IT THAT "RESPECTS" the couples involved and their relationship????

This is alluded too, seconded, and amened all over the boards. BUT WHAT IS IT?

Been busy lately so I haven't had a chance to answer many posts, so I'm coming to this one late.

To us "respecting a couple's relationship" has to do with realizing they are married to each other and treating each member of the other couple as such. They go home with each other and either relive a great experience, or work through problems you contributed to creating.

Respecting that they are #1 in each other's life. Not crossing any boundries or breaking any rules that they may have set. Realizing that the other person is some else's world and not just the costar in some twisted little porn movie going on in your head. Sure we're all coming together for some sex, but that doesn't give another guy the right to treat Mrs. WS like his personal little whore. It always amazes me how some of the unintiated single males will say rauncy things to Mrs. WS that they'd never say to a vanilla chick they were hitting on, just because we're swingers.

Overall, respecting them as people as you would anybody else, or even better then anyone else because they are allowing you to be intimate with them.

Mr. WS

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by BodyScape02

I hope you will welcome me on the boards as the new single female with a couples perspective... as I bide my time and try to decide if this is the lifestyle for me.

Cat, I gess this sentence came up from the sadness you're feeling today.

You're the sum of your experiences, I've read very valuabe oppinions coming from you, and what you are, why we valuate you, didn't changed because of what happend to you.

Even when feeling your sadness and when I'd love to be able to give you a shoulder, I have to point out that this experience of you will make your oppinions even more valuable in the board, because of the insights of the odd things the lifestyle may bring to any of us, and the experience on dealing with this you'll be able to share with us to help others.

I think I express everyone's oppinion when telling you're most welcomed to go on sharing your experiences with us.

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by just1gurl

If I had emotions to deal with I'd do it later on my own time and evaluate the whole thing and whether I fit this lifestyle, not freak out on people who showed up at my invitation to have sex with.

Originally Posted by NandTfromCA

I don't think "No drama" necessarily means staying silent even if something bothers you, until it (whatever it is) is done. You can nicely but directly say something like "____ is starting to bug me a little. Let's slow it down a bit." or "You guys are great, this is fun, but we need to stop for now because the situation is making me uncomfortable." We have never had to say (or hear) either of those but wouldn't mind a bit if a couple got to that point and said it...as long is they didn't use the Jerry McGuire-I'm taking the fish-freak out voice.

You may not have meant it that way but just wanted to pose a point, either way.

Mr.

I agree here, but moreover, I think the whole issue wasn't properly addresed.

It's less a matter of being respectfull WITH A COUPLE than just being respectfull with EVERYONE involved, including yourself and your feelings.

As for the "drama", that is something that brings out because someone was disrespectufl with his or her own feelings or commitments, mainly because of not being able or up to talk about what happens until too late, when it blows up in everyone's face.

You have emotional issues with the married guy? Don't tell them about these issues and sooner or later you wont be able to deal with your feelings and this will blow up.

Before thinking of everyone's else rules, you have to set your own rules, among these, to be faithfull and respectfull with your own feelings. No one is asking you to turn yourself into a senseless piece of meat, everyone knows the risks, and that shit happens. In such an scenario, being respectfull means to be upfront with everyone involved about your feelings, let them know how you'd deal with this, and let the other people choose how they want to deal with this inside their marriage.

Some marriages may think of this as a "drama" and run away (thus, you'd be alone with your feelings), but some others won't and will appreciate the way you respect both them and yourself, to the point of wanting to deal with the problem and share that consecuence. They may call off swinging but keep relating with you as friends.

Let's suppose you're the married one, who meet a single gal, who tells you about such an issue regarding to you and your husband. What would you do? I think that once you were looking at the problem from the single's perspective, you may end up sharing the consecuences, and if so... why do you think other people wouldn't do the same?

So, be respectfull with yourself and your own feelings, be upfront with a couple (including your fears about this scenario, asking them how they would deal with it)... just then be respectfull with "their" rules (and i emphatize this because once everyone involved were upfront and agreed about the rules, they will become "everyone's" rules).

No one can grant you no risks, but hopefully you'll all will end up finding a way to deal with the odd things should these risks become true.

[just1gurl]

no prob on respecting myself. Starts there, it has to end there when its all over. I don't know if you've noticed but I'm pretty verbal I have no issues whatsoever about standing for what I will or won't do.

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by BodyScape02

Thanks Mrs Spoo... I appreciate it. I will try...although I am single... I really do still think in couples mode. It is kind of weird.

I at least have the advantage of knowing what both sides are looking for and how to define boundries.

I mean lets face it... if anyones husband comes on to me without the wife knowning or asks me to meet on the side.

We know one thing for sure... I will out him. No if's ands or buts. lol

Now if I can just find a really well hung male playmate in my area... I am getting a little... ah peckish...

~Cat (on a hot tin roof) .

Oh, I have no doubt cheating males don't want to run into you The best thing is if you decide to stay in the lifestyle as a single female you will be the golden egg. Wives can trust you and knowing you from all your posts you would be a nice addition to a couples play (I mean that in the nicest and most respectful way).

As far as finding a well hung male playmate... After saying that here I wouldn't be surprised to find you pm box full

Mrs Spoomonkey