Setting Boundaries with single women??

[Hawk14]

Hi...great board and so informative! Here's my situation (female half of couple). My husband and I have been into the lifestyle for about a year. We started out with single bi-women (I'm very bi!) We had some good experiences with it. Seeing that the bi single women are truly elusive, we moved onto couples. Even in that time, we have continued to try to find that elusive woman. We have gotten so close at times but they've quickly dropped out of sight when it almost became reality for them, rather than fantasy. Now we've finally found her and it will become a reality this weekend. This is the IDEAL situation for me personally because I've had some issues with couples, although we've had good experiences with several. So I've been very excited about all of this. Now to this one woman we'll be meeting...we have a lot in common, have chatted every night, exchanged pics and found that we had some mutual acquaintances which has made her very comfortable with us. Generally, I always initially met the lady beforehand (for coffee and a get-to-know her meeting) by myself and then we proceeded from there. I have been so comfortable with this new lady. To let you know, she has never been with a couple and is only bi-curious. I've read several booundary questions here but never anything that related specifically to a couple playing with a single female. My hubby is a charmer and has chatted a lot with her and we've had some hot times together fantasizing about this woman. She has taken a quick liking to him and has stated over and over how great and sweet he seems. Last night I learned that she removed herself from a site because she wants to concentrate on just us. Well, in its context, we appreciated that...she has class, doesn't want to sleep around, etc. As a woman, I'm filled with intuition and very cautious about these things. What I'd like to know is what others feel would be some boundaries or thoughts of how to carefully proceed and make this a success and not a disaster....thank you!

[Dynamar]

Originally Posted by Hawk14

Last night I learned that she removed herself from a site because she wants to concentrate on just us. Well, in its context, we appreciated that...she has class, doesn't want to sleep around, etc.

I'm most piqued, and potentially wary, of this part. (And I'm single!) Is an exclusive relationship something that the three of you have discussed? Is she expecting the two of you to be exclusive with her? Are you even interested in that?

You didn't say in so many words, but it sounds like to me that you are concerned the woman is getting too attached to your hubby. I would have the same concerns. Let me ask you this... does she seem attached to you equally? i.e., are the two of you are like girlfriends who talk about all kinds of things... boys, makeup, clothes, etc? Or do you feel her attention thus far is focused only on him?

Were I you, when the three of you meet, I would definitely make an effort to engage her one-on-one in conversation. Make sure she is giving each of you attention. Perhaps if you go to dinner, you could sit next to her while your hubby sits opposite.

For my part as a single woman, I appreciate gestures like this because they show me the female half is as into the experience as the male half... that they're together in their quest. But for your purposes, you going out of your way during the meet to engage her will perhaps help you see her motives. (Gosh... motives... sounds so sinister! Not trying to say she has sinister motives... but best to be sure, right?)

Please let us know how your meet goes

[Hawk14]

Thank you...it was the best getting some input from a single woman. I'm interested in hearing cautionary guidelines and how couples proceed with this type of thing...and words from another single is the icing on the cake! I tend to react quickly so am trying NOT to do this unnecessarily. Hubby has chatted with her as much as I have. She has a great sense of humor and seems like a very genuine and good person...all a plus. I like your advice to try to engage her myself. We're meeting for drinks and intend to be totally respectful of her wishes to move on to our place...or not right then. My hubby is a musician and she has seen him in concert, although it was quite awhile ago. She has told me several times how wonderful he seems in so many ways. Last night she said she dropped out of this site to have a friendship and playtime with just us. We have never talked about being exclusive with her, nor will we be...it will be one-sided at best...I know we can talk about this as time goes on. I didn't think too much about that at the time and didn't/don't want to read into that too much at this early stage...we will see how things go. She made the comment that she "needs connection...doesn't want emotion-less sex." That struck me oddly in a way although, at the time, I still didn't think much about it. We're in the lifestyle to play and not connect on a deep emotion level with anyone while playing, only possibly on a level of friendship if it happens. Hubby thinks this is a bit of jealousy on my part, although I see it as simple caution, especially when dealing with a single. Thanks so much...can't wait to hear what more you or anyone else has to say...

[starlinn]

Dynamar made some very good points. As the female of a couple, who are looking for the single female, I always keep my radar up for those that have more interest in my husband then in me. My first caution would be that she is only bi-curious. Although not bad, I would really see if she has any interest in me. Has she told you why she is bi-curious? Does she relate to you the fantacies she has about another woman? What turns her on about the female body? If it simply the fact that the three of you can get together to fuck your husband, it would be a definate red flag, unless that is what you are looking for as a couple. We look for a bi woman who is interested in woman also, as I am facelick She has made several compliments to you about your husband. What does she say to your husband about you? I know it easy to over analyze a situation, but I would definatly not play with a female that has exclusively made her feelings known about my husband, but has all but eluded the fact that I am bi-sexual and need that flirting and fantacy play too. Although the single bi female is very hard to find, I would not risk a deep emotional attachment to my husband in order to have the experience. Please let us know how it goes!

[Hawk14]

Yeah, I noticed that...I'm very bi and I've been so excited about this...I know she has some interest in this, as she had a very mild encounter a year ago but not really a true bi experience. She doesn't talk a lot about the bi thing and the excitement she has about it. Maybe I'm wary a little because the last time we talked this long with a bi female (and were both convinced that she would come through)...we found out that what she REALLY was looking for was my hubby to do her....that came loud and clear after a discussion with me about how sex starved she was (as are some singles obviously). She was really looking for a man. That one was also a little too over the edge anyway for me in her weirdness!! This new lady has stated that while she is bi-curious she would never seek a woman out because she would need a man present. Being married, I have done all my bi activity with hubby around so I TRY to understand that one although I'm not really clear on her reasons. I guess we'll see how it goes...I want so much to go into this with a positive attitude and just have fun...but also have that underlying radar still up and active. By the way, I just did an extensive search here and still haven't found a set of boundaries and rules that other couples have when dealing with single women.

[northindycpl]

Both Starlin and Dyna made good points to consider. I have to also agree with Starlin. Bi-curious women are just that...curious. Typically they don't have any experience and sometimes they find out that the fantasies they had about other women, are better left to fantasy.

Couples boundaries with bi-women will vary by couple. I will tell you that with us, the perfect MFF for us would be with a woman that I am into, and she into me. The majority of the play would revolve around us playing while Mr. Indy is present. I would expect him to be active with her as well as me, but he would more or less be the icing on the cake.

From experience, I can tell you that we had issues with bi-curious gals in a 3 some. They didn't have the experience to know where to make themselves fit into situations. Either they felt left out, or I did. It seemed like they were, again, curious to a point but relied heavily on the male to satisfy them when they hit moments of inexperience, which left me feeling left out.

Some boundaries I have in determining the right bi-femme?

Does she seem honest and genuine? Is she enthusiastic, imaginative and considerate? Is she comfortable with her own sexuality and does she understand our rules? Does she have rules of her own to follow? Do her fantasies jive with ours? Do I feel comfortable leading her in the bedroom and consipiring with her to create hot times for us all?

In logistical terms; I prefer to sorta soft play with her at first while Mr. Indy watches or is included in the soft play. Like flirting, dancing, touching, oral, etc. Once that is out of the way, so to speak, I think about the events and decide to move or not move to intercourse and more heated meetings.

Red flags for me during meetings or chatting with bi-femmes are;

Do they seem catty? Do they over flatter my husband? Do they actually pay attention to what I am talking about, enough to be an active participant in the conversation? Do they interrupt me when I am speaking? Do they touch Mr. Indy a lot, and not touch me? Do they touch him, or get close to him when I leave the room? Do they laugh at all his corney jokes, or tell him like it is? (there are more, those are just the ones I really pay attention to)

It seems if any of those things are present in the meeting, they are present in bed, and I would try to avoid them.

Out of curiosity, you mentioned that you didn't have as much fun with couples as you did with singles. Have you tried 3 somes with couples, where the wife swaps only? It is like taking turns, you join the other couple for a 3 some and the next time they join you. That might be something to try if you can't find the right EBF.

[DaveNSheila]

I know that you started this thread with a question and that is great. Noticed also that you are new so Hello and Welcome to the board. Glad that you are comfortable to ask questions, also feel free to post your thoughts, views, concerns and comments. D

[pasonite]

Hi, I am one of those elusive Unicorns. I hear your concerns. When I play with other couples, we talk alot first. We set up guidelines, about physical and emotional play way ahead of time. I am in the process of getting to know a couple that is new to me, I have talked to the female C. several times and I feel very comfortable with her. Her husband is charming and I guess just an average guy, I would have no idea of trying to move in on him. I think the first guideline should be that if you want to play you have to talk about how you feel about everyone first. Talk about what boundaries to set physically, then move to the couple just being friends at most with the single girl. I find it kind of funny that we can play in the most intimate way possible with others physically, and yet those same people can't talk about what they feel (they are too vunerable) Huh?! I try to remember what I tell my son, if you can't talk about sex and how it feels... then you can't do it. I think the same goes for us. Good luck

pasonite

[Hawk14]

IT WAS AWESOME! We had our first meeting with our new woman friend last night...we met her at a restaurant for a couple of drinks...she was lively, talkative and very attractive. Then we went back to our home...I rode with her and we did some girl talk. Following that was a time of listening to some great blues, and more talk,,,,then WOW..AWESOME playtime initiated by me....it flowed so well and what a thrill to break in a "bi-virgin" again!! Hubby enjoyed every moment and I felt no threat whatsoever or even felt that she had anything more going for him. In fact, before she left she kept saying to me over and over "I can't get enough of you!" I'm relieved and happy....but I don't regret asking the above questions of having the concerns because it mentally prepared me. I was just relieved to see none of it when it came down to reality. Thanks so much everyone!!!

[Dynamar]

So glad your concerns were assuaged and everything worked out well in your play. Thanks for posting the outcome.

[starlinn]

I am so glad that all worked out!! You sounded like you had alot of fun!! How did your husband enjoy the experience?

[SluttyWife]

Tread slowly and carefully and do NOT let this new involvement OVERWHELM you, number one! If she's no longer looking long before you three are anywhere near seriously involved, (or an item..)I think that might spell trouble. Big expectations on her part and way too much, too soon for you. Again..S-L-O-W things down.

:rollseyes

;-*

Slutty Wife

[Hawk14]

Point well taken above on keeping things slow and not being exclusive (we aren't...in fact we're meeting a couple tonight for an initial contact). My hubby enjoyed Saturday night A LOT !! He loves a 3-some, too (wish he loved it as much as me though!!) He tends to enjoy couples fun more than I. But he loved the attentions the other night. One thing I'd like to mention was at the end of the night when she was about to leave, I felt very good....she gave me a quick hug and quickie peck on the lips...AND she did the exact same to him. I felt like we were treated as friends at that point AND respected as a couple. So, all went well!! Will keep the advice and make sure we have other interests going on and that there's not a lot of cling-iness. Thanks, again...would love to hear others thoughts and guidelines of how single women feel when meeting a couple,,,and what we can do as a couple....

[okieshycpl]

im not sure why.. but red flaggs going up everywhere for me..
this doesnt sound like a good idea..

i think you should ask her to rejoin her group.. and perhaps consider what issues this
experience could cause if gone sour..

Go with your gut feeling.. and best of luck

[WildMiCouple]

Originally Posted by northindycpl

Do they laugh at all his corney jokes, or tell him like it is?

Ouch ......was that really necessary

Brett (and Tammy)