No kissing, no oral sex, no orgasm...too restrictive?

[twolovers4fun]

Hello everyone, I'm the male half of the couple. We are an early thirties couple new to the idea of getting into playing and diversifying our sexuality. She is 34, I am 33. We have been together for nearly 7 months now, and while we have discussed this before, we have only in the last week been exploring the idea of getting together with another couple. Last weekend we had a male aquintance we met through an adult ad bulletin film us while having sex. It was entirely hands off for him, he just filmed us. We did that in an attempt to see how we were in the presence of another person or persons.

I have had some prior experience with 3somes and 4somes, but she hasn't had the opportunity. We have a very solid relationship, we have excellent communication, and are just looking to explore this lifestyle.

We have agreed that we want to start off slow, and take baby steps as it were to make sure we both remain comfortable. We have talked about groundrules and how we want to approach the swapping that could eventually take place.

Since being filmed last week by this other man, we want to introduce a couple into the mix under the same scenario, and have them film us, as us them if they choose to.

Some of the rules we talked about include, no kissing, no oral sex (giving or receiving), not allowing self to orgasm while with the other couple, and maintaing eye contact off and on throught to make sure we watch for signs in our partner of being overwhelmed. Do these rules sound plausible or too restrictive? I guess we have the idea of having "raw sex" is what we want at least right now.

Are we going about this the right way? Is starting off with a hands off approach realistic, and then moving into partial swap eventually?

I love her very much and am excited that we can try this together.

[DBStPete]

While I certainly applaud your care and caution, that's, um, pretty restrictive. Put yourself in the shoes of the other couple. What do they get out of this? They get to watch you...not cum. Oh, and a little touching. That's nice and all, but I don't think very many swinging couples are going to see this as a hot nite out.

Obviously, you're very concerned with each other's comfort zones. Do you know what, specifically, each partner has reservations about? Examples include "if I see him with another woman I'll think he's dirty", ""what if she cums harder for him than she ever does for me?", etc. All normal and natural and all swingers go through this.

If you can get those issues right out front, perhaps you can devise specific ways to deal with them. Maybe if you talk them out first, you'll find they aren't really such big issues as you fear? That's a pretty common experience.

Other couples don't need a guarantee that you'll party. Anyone can say no at any time. But if there isn't at least the possibility of *some* sort of orgasmic something-or-other, well, it's not really swinging, is it? Why not remain open to the possibilities? You can say no or stop at any time. My suggestion: try and figure out, between you, what your "ideal" first-time might look like. MFM? FMF? Couple? (threesomes are "easier" for beginners imo) Soft or full swap? Then look for experienced folks interested in the same sort of thing. Try it and see. There's no other way to find out, really.

To be crude but perhaps wise for a moment, when it comes to pussy, you can't break it, and you can't wear it out; we've tried. And remember who you're going to spend the rest of your life with. You're loved and safe.

With those things in mind, get

Mr. DBStPete

[jim-n-nicole]

Originally Posted by twolovers4fun

Some of the rules we talked about include, no kissing, no oral sex (giving or receiving), not allowing self to orgasm while with the other couple, and maintaing eye contact off and on throught to make sure we watch for signs in our partner of being overwhelmed. Do these rules sound plausible or too restrictive? I guess we have the idea of having "raw sex" is what we want at least right now.

Are we going about this the right way? Is starting off with a hands off approach realistic, and then moving into partial swap eventually?

You are doing the right thing by agreeing to ground rules that you both can live with...and sticking to them (if either of you wants to change them, don't do it in the middle of the play session - wait until the next time so you can discuss it first!). Many couples - including us - started off slow.

As for maintaining eye contact, may i suggest using a key word that tells your partner when you're overwhelmed. Key words work very well - we know several couples who use them.

I would also encourage you to let the other couple know what the ground rules are before you're all standing there naked.

- Jim

[EvilMJ]

Rules and communication are wonderful for sure!! But I personally would find your rules way too restrictive. I love giving and recieving oral and find it to be a big part of playing with another couple.

For me I would be quickly bored if I was bound by the rules you have set out
HOwever, since you are just starting out this may work for you. Over time I found that our rules became less restricitve.

Just remember its all about having a good time!

[EternallySingle]

Personally, I think 7 months is too soon for a couple to be swinging, unless both partners had been involved in swinging in the past. Your rules make sense, but only in that you think they will keep you from stepping on the other person's feelings. You aren't thinking of having raw sex. You want to have mechanical sex. Undress, have intercourse, get dressed. I don't think you will have much fun doing that, and I'm sure the other couple might not agree to your rules.

It sounds like soft swinging would be best for you to at this moment. just keep the sex between you and your S/O instead of putting such rigid restrictions on what you do with another couple. Do the video taping and watching them, but don't engage in sex with them. If you are not going to do everything you can to pleasure someone else, what's the point of having sex with them?

Also, you might meet even more people who would rather tape and be taped rather than actually swapping partners or having threesomes. And over time, you might not feel the need for such rigid restrictions or the need to do more than that.


But thats just my opinion.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by twolovers4fun

. . .Last weekend we had a male aquintance we met through an adult ad bulletin film us while having sex. It was entirely hands off for him, he just filmed us.

Since being filmed last week by this other man, we want to introduce a couple into the mix under the same scenario, and have them film us, as us them if they choose to.

Hi twolovers4fun! Welcome to the board.

When I read that you chose a stranger off an ad bulletin to film you it made me a bit uncomfortable. I hope he used a digital camera and placed the copy in your hands right then and there. I would be very careful about being in pictures and video unless you are certain you have the only copy.

For me the part of swinging I enjoy most is the build up to the orgasm which includes a lot of time spent kissing and giving and receiving oral. I think you will find that being with people you are very comfortable with will make all the difference in how you want to proceed. Also, make sure you aren't afraid to check in with each other to make sure you are all feeling good with how the night is going. This way you can make changes in your guidelines as needed.

LM

[good times]

I have to agree with the others that your rules are to strict to be interesting to another couple as those rules don't really leave anything for them. My suggestion would be to find an on premise swingers club, you can go their and have sex with your wife without actually playing with others. The only thing you wouldn't be able to do in that case is film it, as most all swing clubs don't allow cameras for obvious reasons.

[twolovers4fun]

To address the comment about the video above, it was our camera, and we have the only copy of the video. We have talked about that for future as well, and have made and will continue to make sure that any and video and or pictures remains in our sole possession.

I can also see now that our rules make sex more mechanical than sensual, as it should be. I can definately see it will take some time and thought on our parts before we are ready for full swinging. Seems like soft swing more aptly describes what our intentions are right now.

I again can see that we have alot of learning to do, not just about ourselves, but how we view this lifestyle, and how we can adjust to make sure everyone involved has a good time.

[twolovers4fun]

Hello all! This is the F of Twolovers4fun. I just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who posted responses to our questions (and so promptly!). We spent a great deal of time last night reading through your responses as well as other threads that seemed to apply to our situation as newcomers. And I'm sure we will visit here often as we explore this lifestyle and our own sexuality. As S/O said, we have great communication and have discussed at great length these issues to make sure we are both on the "same page" and can feel comfortable with whatever decision we make - and be able to revise as we go along and experience new things. You have brought up new issues as well as solidified some things we have have felt but were somewhat unable to express because of our inexperience. We are very impressed with this site and its members - you have been so helpful and honest! We look forward to staying in touch! Thank you!

[DBStPete]

Best of luck to you!

Remember, all of us have been where you are. So don't be afraid to speak up and ask questions.

Mr. DBStPete

[Bob Flesh]

My SO and I have simalure issues as the two of you. We also received the same types of advice and it was helpful. We have not taken the next step yet either and see no need to rush things. The advice that stuck with us the most was set your bonderies that the two of you are comfortable with. You will find some one in time who will share your views. Until then wait, ask questions and talk to each other. Sex is not worth giving up what you already have. Best of luck to you both.

[dave110256]

I agree with the others. This would be very restrictive......... the other couple might as well go see a porn flick. Don't mean to sound negative but where's the fun in this. If what you are looking for is to just be seen having sex, why not film it yourself and show it to people you choose to? The swing club may be the other way to go also. Either way, don't do anything you are not comfortable with.

[JustAskJulie]

Your rules are your rules and YOU are the ones who have to keep them. The question you have to ask yourselves is what happens if someone breaks them on accident. What happens if one of you has an orgasm with someone else? How can you really allow yourselves to enjoy the situation if you don't allow that? Even if you stick to just oral sex, orgasms happen.

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

orgasms happen.

Not to go off topic, but wouldn't that statement make an excellent bumper sticker?

[jim-n-nicole]

Originally Posted by Vespertine

Not to go off topic, but wouldn't that statement make an excellent bumper sticker?

With an avatar like yours, I'll agree with anything you say Vespertine!

And congrats on your 1000th post tonite.

Jim.