Interested in swinging but HSV (Herpes) positive

[seattlecpl06]

Hi there! My girl and I are brand new to this and as yet inexperienced in any kind of swapping.

Oddly, it was my girl who recommended this. Or maybe not so oddly. It happened after we'd taken some "time off" from our relationship. I'd felt a need for sexual variety (in plain words, other partners), but I didn't want to end things with her (I love her like crazy, to be honest). I refuse to cheat on her. Not knowing what to do, I sat down, explained things to her, and we agreed to take some time off (during which I was free to see other partners, provided I practiced safe sex, etc.) I did see someone else, once (it was a one-night kinda thing) and found out it was about the most empty, unfulfilling sex I knew. While the physical aspects were pleasurable, I missed my girl like crazy and a weird part of me wished I could have shared my experiences with her.

At this point I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to cheat on my girl, but some part of me -- even after two years -- couldn't let go of my need for sexual variety and a need to "hunt" (you men may know what I mean... hell, you women too). Hurting and confused, I went back to talk to my girl (who was also hurting and confused; she's been a SAINT through all of this. There is no better woman.) I was very honest with her about what had happened and the quandary I was in. Long ago she had said "I don't share" -- so I assumed that any kind of "open" or polyamorous relationship was out. I was facing losing the best woman in my life because I couldn't keep my hormones under control. Or, just finding a way to curb my wandering eye and be happily monogamous -- something I'd tried before in a previous relationship, and which had led to the one (and hopefully only!) time I've been unfaithful. I was trapped between a rock and a hard spot, and while I figured my future held nothing but misery, at least I was determined to be honest and honorable and not drag her into it.

To my UTTER surprise, she suggested swinging. She suggested -- and I agree -- that we both should wait and work on "us" for a while. That's just smart.

But she said that maybe we could work something out where we met other couples and "swapped." She'd seen something on Oprah where a middle-aged couple was swinging, and she said that to her surprise, they were very clean-cut, attractive, and prosperous-looking. I think that opened her eyes; she might have had some preconceptions before. So, she told me, she'd thought about it, and she knew about my problem (needing more than one partner, but being crazy for her) and the more she thought about "swapping," the more excited she got.

This is what floored me. At first I thought she was just (to borrow a phrase) "taking one for the team" -- in other words, doing this to make me happy. But talking to her about it, she was really, really excited. Not so much about the idea of sex with other men (although she's excited about that) as much as the idea of SHARING this sexy, slightly kinky activity with me. In my mind, that's a very good sign!

So we've been talking it through. Like I said, we're probably a little ways out from actually DOING anything, but we're both BRIMMING with curiousity. One of the things I decided I wanted as a "rule" was a "no alone play" rule. That way, anything we did was not just going off alone to sleep with a stranger, but a shared couple activity. That seems much safer (and in some ways, more exciting) to me. I know that right now, at least, the thought of her off alone in a room with some hot guy would drive me nuts, but not in a good way. But being in the same room with her and a hot guy, while I'm with a hot gal, each of us giving and receiving pleasure without worrying about who "owns" whom sexually -- is quite exciting to BOTH of us. So we're in the phase where we try to formulate the "rules" to make us both comfortable with the idea.

I'd welcome any comments or opinions or advice. I know we both need to work on "us" a little before we share our sexuality with others. We both know that and are ready to do the work. But we're both so excited to find a way that we can BOTH "hunt" a little sexually (we're excited at the prospect of going on a "date" with another couple and feeling the sexual tension build) and we can BOTH get more variety than strict monogamy would give.

One complicating factor: we're both HSV-2 (genital herpes) positive. So we'd have to find other couples who were herpes positive. But that cloud has a silver lining; at least we don't have to worry about catching herpes! It's just all the OTHER stuff that we need to worry about (we also created a "no unprotected intercourse" rule along with an "unprotected oral is okay at your discretion" rule, and an "anyone can back out at any time with no shame" rule which can be used if anything looks or, god forbid, smells funky).

Anyway, I'm excited and looking forward to what I hope may be the most healthy relationship of my life, and the most sexually exciting to boot.

Hi!

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by seattlecpl06

Hi there! My girl and I are brand new to this and as yet inexperienced in any kind of swapping.

First of all, Welcome to the board!! We're so glad to have you here! I feel a little odd giving advice here, (we are still swinging virgins) and some certainly have better advice to give than me, but I'm gonna give it a shot!

Originally Posted by seattlecpl06

There is no better woman.

My husband my disagree with you!

I love the way you describe her. "Sowing your oats" is something that a lot of people feel they need to do before they can move on in a relationship. You've obviously got great communication between her and you. That is one of the foundations of great relationships, IMHO.

Originally Posted by seattlecpl06

She suggested -- and I agree -- that we both should wait and work on "us" for a while. That's just smart.

This is another one of the wisest words I've heard. You really need to have that "foundation" before you can play with others. You've got to be on stable ground before you start. Swinging on an unstable foundation makes for a bad time. Long time swingers learned a long time ago that rocky relationships have never survived swinging. It only made them worse. You already knew all this, didn't you?

Originally Posted by seattlecpl06

But she said that maybe we could work something out where we met other couples and "swapped." She'd seen something on Oprah where a middle-aged couple was swinging, and she said that to her surprise, they were very clean-cut, attractive, and prosperous-looking.

And you can find that thread if you search under Oprah.

Originally Posted by seattlecpl06

So we're in the phase where we try to formulate the "rules" to make us both comfortable with the idea.

You have to establish your own comfort zone. Please, keep talking about what you guys want and don't want. You have to keep those lines of communication open, honest and trustful. Share ideas between you two and see what happens. If there are ever times red flags pop up, you need to trust your feelings and talk those out, too. Jealousy is another thing that hurts most couples. Your thoughts of thinking about her in a seperate room with a hot guy would drive you nuts leads me to think that the old green eyes are popping up. I totally understand where you're coming from when you want to swing in the same room. My husband and I will only swing same room, but it's because I want to see him pleased. What pleases him, pleases me. He wants the same for me. It's not about him being jealous of who I might be with. My advice for the time being is to read, read, read and ask questions. Lots of them. You can probably find what you need already in the Archives.

Originally Posted by seattlecpl06

I know we both need to work on "us" a little before we share our sexuality with others. We both know that and are ready to do the work.

Good for you two. You are most definitely on the right track.

Originally Posted by seattlecpl06

One complicating factor: we're both HSV-2 (genital herpes) positive. So we'd have to find other couples who were herpes positive. But that cloud has a silver lining; at least we don't have to worry about catching herpes! It's just all the OTHER stuff that we need to worry about (we also created a "no unprotected intercourse" rule along with an "unprotected oral is okay at your discretion" rule, and an "anyone can back out at any time with no shame" rule which can be used if anything looks or, god forbid, smells funky).
Anyway, I'm excited and looking forward to what I hope may be the most healthy relationship of my life, and the most sexually exciting to boot.

Hi!

When you write a profile on a site, be honest and state that you have HSV-2. I've seen other profiles that are honest and forthright such as you two. It might limit your couples that will seek you out, but being honest is more important. Since we both know you can get herpes during non-outbreak times, too, it's just too important to not be honest. You might also get some people who are comfortable with that, as long as condoms are used.

Good Luck and please post often. We'd really like to know how things are going between you two!

[Thrax]

Welcome to the Board!

Thrax

[seattlecpl06]

Thanks for the welcome

Even though it will probably be a few months before we "do" anything (let alone the complexities of finding other HSV-2 positive couples), we're both really excited and looking forward to this as potentially one of the most fun, sexy, exciting times in our lives.

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by seattlecpl06

I'd welcome any comments or opinions or advice.

There's really not much to say. There are people who are highly active in this lifestyle, but who never really seem to "get it." There are others for whom this "clicks" even before their first experience. You sound like one of the latter. Your intro reflects an attitude about this that's as healthy and intelligent as any I've seen in a while. Stay the course, and when you guys do decide "it's time," you'll do just fine.

You don't have to explain your need for "sexual variety" to anybody here. Even more importantly, you don't have to apologize for it, either. The desire for more than one sexual partner is fairly common in both males and females. In fact, it's what drives a multi-million dollar porn industry, a billion dollar divorce industry, and... this lifestyle. Once you realize that and resolve not to fall prey to it, you're able to form much more realistic (albeit somewhat unconventional) relationships with women. Judging by your description of the one you're presently with, I'd say you've crossed the first hurdle...finding a woman who feels the same way you do about it.

Make this fun for her, and she'll make it fun for you.

[seattlecpl06]

Originally Posted by JnCC

There's really not much to say. There are people who are highly active in this lifestyle, but who never really seem to "get it." There are others for whom this "clicks" even before their first experience. You sound like one of the latter. Your intro reflects an attitude about this that's as healthy and intelligent as any I've seen in a while. Stay the course, and when you guys do decide "it's time," you'll do just fine.

You don't have to explain your need for "sexual variety" to anybody here. Even more importantly, you don't have to apologize for it, either. The desire for more than one sexual partner is fairly common in both males and females. In fact, it's what drives a multi-million dollar porn industry, a billion dollar divorce industry, and... this lifestyle. Once you realize that and resolve not to fall prey to it, you're able to form much more realistic (albeit somewhat unconventional) relationships with women. Judging by your description of the one you're presently with, I'd say you've crossed the first hurdle...finding a woman who feels the same way you do about it.

Make this fun for her, and she'll make it fun for you.

Brilliant response. I've felt for a LONG time that the need for variety is a pretty common human condition (not just a male one, as you point out). Our society confuses love and sexuality, so a lot of people assume that "if you ever want to sleep with someone else, that means you don't love me." Hogwash; I love my girl like crazy, but that doesn't mean I don't notice the cute behind of the girl on the treadmill in front of me at the gym! Of course I try not to stare (I'm a gentleman, after all) but still -- the basic urge is there. And after some gentle prying, my girlfriend has sort of admitted the same -- she "checks out" guys and even has occasional fantasies. This doesn't reduce her love or lust for me one iota, but to me it just means she's human.

Thanks so much for this; I'm really excited. I just want to make sure we're really rock stable as a couple before going forward.

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by seattlecpl06

Thanks for the welcome

Even though it will probably be a few months before we "do" anything (let alone the complexities of finding other HSV-2 positive couples), we're both really excited and looking forward to this as potentially one of the most fun, sexy, exciting times in our lives.

I think you're gonna be just fine! Sorry, for the long diatribe above. I get sooooo wordy!

[seattlecpl06]

YOU get wordy? I wrote friggin War and Peace in my first response.

I felt guilty for not responding to you point by point, but I'm at work so I didn't have the time to do it justice (especially considering the subject matter )

Off topic: I have no idea whose behind that is in your avatar, but it's damn fine. Something happened recently (after talking to my girl about swapping) that has never happened before; she actually pointed out a hot female booty to me (she knows I'm most physically attracted to a curvy female posterior). She said "okay, you can be polite and pretend not to look, but that woman had a SPECTACULAR ass." I thought that was cute and it was so fun to be able to just agree instead of having to pretend like I hadn't noticed!

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by seattlecpl06

Off topic: I have no idea whose behind that is in your avatar, but it's damn fine. Something happened recently (after talking to my girl about swapping) that has never happened before; she actually pointed out a hot female booty to me (she knows I'm most physically attracted to a curvy female posterior). She said "okay, you can be polite and pretend not to look, but that woman had a SPECTACULAR ass." I thought that was cute and it was so fun to be able to just agree instead of having to pretend like I hadn't noticed!

Fun isn't it?? I do this, too. Mr. intuition has similar tastes. He complained when I lost too much weight once and said my ass had gotten too narrow. I never thought it was possible. He just really likes a big ole' round J-Lo ass. So this means my pervving has doubled: I check out the ones I like AND check out the ones HE likes, too.

[seattlecpl06]

Originally Posted by intuition897

Fun isn't it?? I do this, too. Mr. intuition has similar tastes. He complained when I lost too much weight once and said my ass had gotten too narrow. I never thought it was possible. He just really likes a big ole' round J-Lo ass. So this means my pervving has doubled: I check out the ones I like AND check out the ones HE likes, too.

Yes, yes it IS fun . I've found myself checking out guys lately too. Not really attracted to them (I think I'm just plain straight, sadly) but more in the sense of "hmm, I wonder if SHE'D like him..." Kinda new, kinda kinky, kinda sexy!

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by seattlecpl06

Off topic: I have no idea whose behind that is in your avatar, but it's damn fine.

You're making me blush! That was taken about two years ago... I'm sure it's wider than that now. LOL

Originally Posted by seattlecpl06

Something happened recently (after talking to my girl about swapping) that has never happened before; she actually pointed out a hot female booty to me (she knows I'm most physically attracted to a curvy female posterior). She said "okay, you can be polite and pretend not to look, but that woman had a SPECTACULAR ass." I thought that was cute and it was so fun to be able to just agree instead of having to pretend like I hadn't noticed!

I've actually admired the female body for years. I never before mentioned to my husband what I thought or fantasized. Intuition897, whom I think is one of the best advisors and posters in this forum, posted somewhere (I think in the Oprah thread) how we share these fantasies with our spouses and we sit there, our hands over our heads waiting for the ax to fall. The person that I trust the most, whom I love the most has the ability to make me think it’s OK for me to have this thought, or they can shoot me down in the blink of an eye to never want to share another thing with them again. When I first pointed out to him a beautiful woman I seen at a grocery store, he gave me this look which I wasn't sure how to take. Later on, he just told me he was shocked that I had such thoughts. He said he was definitely turned on. Whew! One hurdle covered.

Oh Damn… I’m starting to over-post again… Anyway, to make a long story short, we were at a baseball game the other night and of course I was scoping out the ladies more than the guys. I'll pick one out and picture my husband and her together and how wonderful they'd be together. Now that we’re embarking on this adventure, I look at couples and wonder which of them play... Am I the only one that does that?

He doesn’t ever say anything, but I did ask him if he wondered, and he admitted that he did. If he scopes out the ladies, he never tells me. I guess I’m just more verbal.

[seattlecpl06]

Originally Posted by LFM2

You're making me blush! That was taken about two years ago... I'm sure it's wider than that now. LOL

Well, if that's only two years ago I'm sure it's still, frankly, delicious.

He doesn’t ever say anything, but I did ask him if he wondered, and he admitted that he did. If he scopes out the ladies, he never tells me. I guess I’m just more verbal.

Well, ALL guys scope out ladies. We're just taught at a very young age that you're only allowed to do that publicly while in a group of guys (for some reason, once we're in a "pack" our good manners go out the window). We never, ever, EVER publicly look at booties while with our gal. We notice, but it's a corner-of-the-eye thing.

I'd wager that swinger guys have a lot of unlearning to do!

[mickey&minnie]

Seattle-I am very impressed with your post. We are newbies also, we have our first "date" tomorrow nite. (just dinner to get to know them) But we are so excited. The idea with us started one nite when we were watching a porno and hubby asked why I always liked the lesbian porn and I told him because the female body is much sexier than a male and I have no desire to see 2 men "doing it" plus most of the males on porn are not that attractive. He asked if I had female fantasies and we got started talking from there. We have been talking for months about the lifestyle and our wants and our fears. One of the best things we have done is go to the situational help forum and read the posts, then we talk about what we would do in the same situation. When we go out, we discuss others and try and see who the other finds attractive. Its lots of fun and sexy too. I am very impressed that you talked to your SO instead of cheating on her!!! Gold star for you. I think you both will be fine. I have learned that communication is the key. Our relationship has improved so much and all we have done so far is talk. Good luck to you.
Minnie

[seattlecpl06]

Thank you, Minnie

Well I'm no saint; I have cheated in the past, and even though it was years ago, it's something that I'm still ashamed of to this day. With my girl, I vowed that even though I might have the urge to stray, I wouldn't cheat -- I'd end the relationship first. That's what almost happened during our "time off."

I had never really thought she (or most women, for that matter) would be open to the idea of "sharing," and I hadn't really thought through how to do it in a controlled, loving fashion (ie, rather than a purely "open" relationship). Once she approached me and got me to thinking about it, I got quite excited. Here, I could have the stable, loving, long-term relationship I wanted with this wonderful woman, but not have to give up on the idea of sexual variety and getting to "hunt" once in a while (I personally think that that "on the prowl" feeling is very important to my self-confidence and feeling of sexiness!). So it really does seem like the best of all worlds, especially since she's really into it to and often when we're just talking about it on the phone gets so horny that she has to "take care of business." This lets me know she's not just "taking one for the team" -- she really wants to do this with me, and that is so precious.

We both know that it's tricky to do it right, and we both are committed to making 100% sure that we're ready before we take the plunge and have sex with others. But we're also both really hopeful that it can work out, and really looking forward to the day when we can play with an open heart and open mind!

Thanks so much for your kind response