In love but lonely

I should mention that we have been members of the board for a few years now. While this is not a swinger situation, I can't think of a better place to get input regarding my dilemma because I know I'll get honest answers. In a sense Iv' e come too know some of the members here and respect their knowledge and sincerity.

Four years ago we thought about swinging but it didn't go very far. She brought it up. I can't really say why, it just kind fizzled away and realize now that was for the best. We went to a club, met a few couples but none were a match. But because of what has transpired I think she wanted to swing because I didn't turn her on anymore and she was hot to the idea of fucking somebody else.

We have been married over 30 years and for the most part it has been good. Good in the sense that we raised three good kids and generally get along. But it has always been distant. I love her more now than at any part of our marriage and have told her that repeatedly since the beginning of our marriage. I don't hear this from her. I can't imagine my life without her but now I feel emotionally empty and lonely. The last couple of years my wife has drifted away from me. No longer do I get a hug or kiss or any sort of intimacy from her. Not during sex or throughout the day. A kiss or hug is always initiated by me as is anything out of the ordinary during sex. I get no compliments about my looks, the way I dress-nothing-just criticisms. I just can't do this any more because I feel that if she enjoyed it or has any sort of desire for me , she would be the initiator once in a while. Don't most people want to give a hug or kiss to the person they love? We fuck, not make love. If I try to kiss her during sex it may go on for a few seconds but she quickly pulls away.

I believe she has fallen out of love with me but stays around because it's easier (kids, grand kids, financial).

We used to play with toys, watch some porn, film ourselves, etc. This was always at my suggestion but never pushed it. She seemed to enjoy these things but never initiated it. So after a while I just stopped trying. If I don't initiate and kiss or hug-it would never happen. So now we just fuck, not make love and I miss the intimacy terribly. It's as though she wants to get it over with. If I don't come fast enough I sense her frustration. That only makes it take even longer or it don't happen at all. I should say she is multi orgasmic and I make sure she cum's several times during a session. Seems like when she is done, we are done and if anything happen it is very mechanical. She has admitted for years she is a selfish lover but doesn't make any effort to change that.
I'm the talker in our relationship and have tried many many times to talk about what is going on. I get short answers that are obviously meant to stop the conversation and she gets upset with me for bringing it up.. After so many years together you know when there's more but not being said.

She has told me that she doesn't consider us best friends anymore (that was a shocker and hurt terribly). She has told me "the desire isn't there". That also hurt immensely and I felt crawling into a hole. And to top it off....now she told me my cum is gross!. For many years she would swallow (not anymore) and then out of the blue I hear this. So now I'm thinking that for the last few years (or who knows how long) she would swallow but it was going through her head about how gross is-it was all an act. That made me feel that when I thought she enjoyed herself during the last few years-she didn't. I can't stand the thought that it was all an act. It's come to point that I can't come anymore because of all the things she has said keep going through my head. It's hard to come or get it up knowing she thinks it's gross and has no desire for me. Some sort of mental block I guess
I feel like a part of me has been rejected and Iv' e felt lonely for some time now. I never hear compliments of any sort. But she has no problem finding faults about me physically, the way I look or dress or just things in general. My ego and self esteem are shot to hell. Iv' e spent many nights just watching her sleep thinking about how much I love her and how can I fix this. Knowing that she doesn't feel the same way about me brings me to tears until I fall asleep. And I'm one those guys who does not cry-ever.
Knowing that it was all an act and not enjoying it has hit me hard and now I feel like a fool. This had a very bad impact on me. I could go on and on about the signs that the love for isn't there anymore but that would take a long time to explain. (the looks of disgust, general comments, zero intimacy)
I'm at a loss as to what to do now. Iv'e tried everything and it's gone nowhere. I don't think we are heading for a divorce despite what she feels about me. As I said she seems comfortable with the status quo and I'm willing to deal with that in order to keep her.
My head is spinning and I'm sorry for rambling and I can't think of any questions right now. All I know is that Iv' e lost my wife-emotionally and sexually. It's killing me and affecting my health and business. I have no one to talk to about this so I guess I'm just venting. Thank you for listening. Just writing it out makes me me better.

I'm at a loss at to what to do, You can't make some somebody love or desire you.

[LFM2]

Wow... I can feel your pain that you're going through.

Is there anyway she would do some marriage counseling?

[naughtyus74]

I feel terrible for you My wife has been my best friend since the day we met, and I hers. It would kill me to lose that more than anything else, so I can truly empathize. I don't have any advice, just wanted to say sorry for what you are going through.

[bi4me2]

Originally Posted by LFM2

Wow... I can feel your pain that you're going through.

Is there anyway she would do some marriage counseling?

(him) Ditto here on both counts.

Have you told her how you are feeling right now? I can't see anyone after being with another person for 30 years 'not caring' when the other person is in that much pain.

Counseling sounds like the best idea. Your story really tugs at the heart strings and I (we) wish you well.

[sweet_tna]

I'm at a loss at to what to do, You can't make some somebody love or desire you.

And that's the hell of it all, isn't it? I'm so terribly sorry that things have gotten to this point. I'd suggest counseling, but as she seems content with the status quo, it's unlikely she'd be willing. Still, it's worth mentioning, and possibly exploring for yourself.

I hope that you find a way to get through this and find happiness.

(Hugs)

[LFM2]

Another option would be to sit down, go for a drive or a long walk and talk about this situation. See where she thinks the relationship is and where it's going. I'm curious what she has to say.

I can't imagine what you're feeling right now. I am so sorry you're going through this.

[LikeMinds321]

You wrote a very touching post. Thank you for sharing with all of us.

I think you should consider writing a letter to your wife, almost identical to what you wrote to us. It may move her to see things in a new light.

I think counseling could help you at this difficult time. And don't hesitate to go alone, if your wife will not join you.

If you would like to continue to share your thoughts with us, and remain anonymous, all you need do is start new threads in this forum, with the same title. As a thread from an unnregistered reader, it will go to moderation and I will make sure it is added to this thread.

I hope that you will find a resolution that brings you peace and happiness.

LM
Moderator

[lustylearning]

I hear you when you say that she is content with the status quo, but also note that she is opening up about how she thinks and feels. I agree with the others that counseling would be helpful. You might be able to "sell" the idea of counseling by pointing out that counseling could help you both be happier. She seems to be reaching for something. Happiness makes sense, and counseling could help her (and you) get closer to that goal.

So sorry you're going through this. Sharing the pain sometimes helps lessen it. I'm glad you opened up.

[TNT]

I'm sorry to read about your situation.

One thing I would suggest is having your wife get a full work-up/physical. I'm guessing, since you said you've been married 30+ years, that your wife is around 50 (+/- a few years)...hormones can play havoc on emotional and physical well being and it seems as women age we have more problems with this than men do.

Also, I wonder if your wife feels a bit lost. I've known a lot of women who once the children were raised and on their own, find themselves at a loss as to who and what they, themselves, are. Even those women who had a full time career and raised children can suffer from this...they just, well, are lost and everything goes haywire...even their relationship with their husband. Finding a new activity to become involved in and spending time together exploring different things, can reawaken the feelings a couple shared when they first became a couple.

I hope you're able to talk to your wife and together find happiness again.


Teresa

[bi4me2]

Originally Posted by TNT

I'm sorry to read about your situation.

One thing I would suggest is having your wife get a full work-up/physical. I'm guessing, since you said you've been married 30+ years, that your wife is around 50 (+/- a few years)...hormones can play havoc on emotional and physical well being and it seems as women age we have more problems with this than men do.

(him) You know, that didn't even cross my mind until you mentioned it. Just had a friend go through a year long ordeal because she went into peri and them menopause. She left, him, started dated guys 25 years younger than her, told her hubby of 25 years she hated him over and over, refused to see a doctor and then one day she just snapped out of it and came back. If you didn't know it happened you would swear nothing ever happened between them.

Excellent advice.

[Alura]

It's times like this that I miss Mrs. Alura so much. She seldom posted on this board but your story would have caught her attention and she would have composed a wonderful reply that would have helped. I'm not so good.

I think as marriages age we sometimes fail to realize how the little hurts pile up.

A husband suggests his wife's ass is broadening and she should diet. She knows it's true so doesn't fight over it. Soon, however, she notices a spot on his tie and tells him his tie is filthy. He retaliates by further insulting her and the escalation goes on and on.

Don't hesitate to register as a member. It will make posting much easier. Keep chatting with us and we'll try to help.

Thanks for sharing with us.

Alura

[socolais]

There isn't much I can add to the impressive comments above, except hope.

Other couples have been in your position and found a way back to that old homeymoon feeling for each other. So, there's surely a way yall can make it work for yall too. I imagine some heart to heart communication would be a good way to start.

[interestedinif]

My wife is a licensed counselor, and I can tell you what her response would be to reading your story... You both need help, and the sooner the better.

You are already starting to resent her and so you will begin to push her away more and more, without even knowing it.

You need to sit down and have a serious discussion about what you want in the relationship. If it is worth "saving", you need to find a good marriage counselor (and possibly individual counselors as well) so you can work on putting things back together.

Every marriage CAN be saved and rebuilt, but only if BOTH partners want it that way.

[DigginIt]

I think this is something that everyone (who is deeply in love) fears deep down inside and something we all pray we will never have to face.

I read this post and like everyone else...I feel an overwhelming sense of sympathy for you. I agree strongly with the counseling as well as the physical to make sure hormones are in balance.

I love to share my opinion and my first impulse is to want to give you lots of things that you could try but I think this is really a matter for someone who is an expert and I am totally unqualified to help.

I really wish you the absolute best and hope that the two of you work though it.

[Cajun2Step]

We too read your post and feel your pain.

We are neither one qualified to express much more than our best wishes in your figuring out your situation.

We have friends who were going through some of the same situation. The doctors did find her with major a hormonal imbalance. She was properly diagnosed and with the administration of the proper medicine/hormone therapy she is fine and they are still happily married.

Best of luck.