My wife started having affairs...

My wife started having affairs behind my back 3 years ago. I know she had these patterns before I met her. When we met she assured me she was ready to settle down. The first couple of years of dating were amazing with us. We got married and the first couple of years of marriage also amazing. Eventually she started having affairs. She hid it well, I suspected something wasn't right but had blind trust.

I found out after a year by tricking her that she had an affair. Months later I uncovered 2 more previous affairs. We almost split up. She told me the problems in the marriage and I bent over backwards to accomodate her. It seemed like thing were great other than our fighting over her affairs. She had another affair.

We broke up. She started seeing her affair partner and lying about it while trying to get me back. I finally said no way I am coming back. I started a friendshuip with a woman and we didn't have sex but we were bonding and it was leading there. My wife begged me to come back. Eventually I ended my friendship. She dropped her affair partner and we got back together.


Through all of this we had both spoke to counselors but it didn't stop her. We were back together for about a year and a couple of months. We get into an argument and she kicks me out again. This was in March of this year. I suspect an affair. She later tells me there's a married guy in the neighborhood interested in her. He wouldn't leave his wife and it went nowhere. She begged me to take her back and I remained strong for a while but we started seeing each other.

Finally I get the truth from her. Which is obvious. I got her phone records. She was talking to him a week before she kicked me out. Started having sex with him 2 days later. Then decides she wants me back.


I have established the fact that my wife is Poly and can't control it or can only temporarily. No matter who it hurts me and our young kids. It's caused so much drama in our extended families and in the neghborhood she now lives in without me.

She's in counselling now and wants me back. I have a few women I am talking to online one I really like and wants to meet me asap.

I still love my wife but I can't live with her cheating, lying, replacing me and then running back to me.

I offer her this - I say monogamy doesn't work for her. I tell her we can put ads online, you can find someone you are attracted to we will meet the guy together she can do him I will watch. I am straight It will be like live porn for me. I will also get involved somewhat.

Also we will meet a couple every now and then and swing. That way I won't feel cheated or my position in my family won't be threatened if we set ground rules and do things honestly. She can live out her fantasies with me.


She says she is willing to do this but she really just wants to be monogamous. She is torn she wants to be monogamous but I know deep down inside she can't for very long. She also tells me that she would rather I just find an affair partner and not tell her instead of swapping. I know that if I did that she would be really hurt and things would be just as dramatic as when she does it.

She is objecting to doing a single guy in front of me too. She says through counselling and trying really hard that she wants to just be with me. She has fooled herself and me so many times in the past that I know this is just not possible.

I am sorry that this is so long. Can someone please help!

[DocWill]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

My wife started having affairs behind my back 3 years ago. I know she had these patterns before I met her. When we met she assured me she was ready to settle down. The first couple of years of dating were amazing with us. We got married and the first couple of years of marriage also amazing. Eventually she started having affairs. She hid it well, I suspected something wasn't right but had blind trust.

I found out after a year by tricking her that she had an affair. Months later I uncovered 2 more previous affairs. We almost split up. She told me the problems in the marriage and I bent over backwards to accomodate her. It seemed like thing were great other than our fighting over her affairs. She had another affair.

We broke up. She started seeing her affair partner and lying about it while trying to get me back. I finally said no way I am coming back. I started a friendshuip with a woman and we didn't have sex but we were bonding and it was leading there. My wife begged me to come back. Eventually I ended my friendship. She dropped her affair partner and we got back together.


Through all of this we had both spoke to counselors but it didn't stop her. We were back together for about a year and a couple of months. We get into an argument and she kicks me out again. This was in March of this year. I suspect an affair. She later tells me there's a married guy in the neighborhood interested in her. He wouldn't leave his wife and it went nowhere. She begged me to take her back and I remained strong for a while but we started seeing each other.

Finally I get the truth from her. Which is obvious. I got her phone records. She was talking to him a week before she kicked me out. Started having sex with him 2 days later. Then decides she wants me back.


I have established the fact that my wife is Poly and can't control it or can only temporarily. No matter who it hurts me and our young kids. It's caused so much drama in our extended families and in the neghborhood she now lives in without me.

She's in counselling now and wants me back. I have a few women I am talking to online one I really like and wants to meet me asap.

I still love my wife but I can't live with her cheating, lying, replacing me and then running back to me.

I offer her this - I say monogamy doesn't work for her. I tell her we can put ads online, you can find someone you are attracted to we will meet the guy together she can do him I will watch. I am straight It will be like live porn for me. I will also get involved somewhat.

Also we will meet a couple every now and then and swing. That way I won't feel cheated or my position in my family won't be threatened if we set ground rules and do things honestly. She can live out her fantasies with me.


She says she is willing to do this but she really just wants to be monogamous. She is torn she wants to be monogamous but I know deep down inside she can't for very long. She also tells me that she would rather I just find an affair partner and not tell her instead of swapping. I know that if I did that she would be really hurt and things would be just as dramatic as when she does it.

She is objecting to doing a single guy in front of me too. She says through counselling and trying really hard that she wants to just be with me. She has fooled herself and me so many times in the past that I know this is just not possible.

I am sorry that this is so long. Can someone please help!

Let’s start by calling a pig a “pig.”

Your wife does not respect you- at all… and if you had any self respect, you’d tell her to go to hell.

Swinging for you two would lead to worse feelings of betrayal. It will also demote you to being less than a man. While she’s fucking your hand-picked man in front of you- do you honestly think she’ll be thinking about how much you enjoy watching her? Not only no, but hell no! Do you think it’ll improve the relationship that she’s abandoned several times? Um… no again.

The only thing I can see here is that you have something she wants- and it’s not your companionship or your prick. Find out what that is and you’ll know why she keeps coming back to you- and I’m willing It has little, if anything, to do with respect and love.

Swingers, true swingers, generally already have an outstanding marriage to begin with. They do what they do because it not only turns them on, but because it also turns their partner on- it’s called mutual respect and unconditional love. While there are many reasons for, and many variations of, swinging- yours has got to be the worst I’ve ever read. Hell, a lot of swingers swing because it’s exciting and mind altering- I think it’s an evolution of love, sex, respect, and unselfishness that allows for honesty and mutual admiration.

Judging by what you wrote here- your relationship lacks all of those things… and I don’t want to EVEN begin with the emotional baggage that will eventually ruin your hopes of being open, honest, unconditional, and unselfish. In fact, it seems to me like the only reason she agreed to come back was so she COULD be selfish- and, Dude- that sucks.

Poly groups tend to be monogamous within the group- it’s a love and respect thing. Had your wife been with one man, and wanted you both equally- then maybe. But considering that she slept around on you with several men (one who was married), and at different times, tells me she’s nothing more than a sex fiend who could care less about anyone but herself. In fact, it sounds like she’s trying to “trade up” but hasn’t found “the one yet.” Hey, maybe it’ll be one of the guys you pick out for her- how’s that going to feel when she finds a man, that you found, who WILL take her? Not smart, Dude… not smart at all.

Move on, get over it. Think of the life and emotions you’ve already wasted… not to mention your kids, and find someone who loves you enough to be honest and considerate to how YOU feel.

[bbarnsworth]

DocWill is absolutely correct.

Look, the reality is your marriage is in serious trouble. There's a long held saying in swinging that swinging doesn't fix broken marriages. It can and will make it worse. Swinging is a magnifying glass. What it finds, it magnifies. If it finds a wonderful, loving, deep, trusting, completely respectful marriage, it magnifies that. Your marriage has none of those qualities (apparently) and suffers many serious problems. Swinging will make those worse.

When we swing, we swing to have fun and hope to help other people have fun. We don't hope to 'fix' other people's problems. If we're aware of the problems, we don't swing with them. We would never swing with you two. That's not an insult; just recognition. You need to have the same recognition of your own marriage.

Is it fixable? Yes. Serious, long term counseling with 100% commitment is an absolute must in this situation. The professionals can help. We can't, except to say you shouldn't attempt swinging. It will not go well.

[VegasLee]

The others have posted good advice.

You and your wife have no place to go in the Swinging Lifestyle.

It works for great relationships and it will explode a bad relationship and the two of you have nothing good in your relationship at this time.

Neither of you are being adult enough to know when enough is enough. You are setting up what you call "fair" rules for you two to be together. There is nothing fair about it. Conditions like that will rip the two of you apart in no time at all.

Either you go with her to counseling and you BOTH come to real conditions that you two can live with or visit with an attorney and put an end to this nonsense.

In your own ways, your both playing games now and it does nothing but destroy lives in the long run.

It is time to fix it or get over it but Swinging is not the answer in your case. Swinging does not fix a bad marriage but it sure as hell will end one that needs fixing.

[DigginIt]

I know you posted here looking for support but DocWill nailed this on the head. I was in the military for a little over 15 years and I have seen both men and women in your exact position. It's so torturous to watch and so destructive especially when children are involved. Hopefully this isn't the case with you.

I think this is an addiction. She may love you and care for you but she has a problem that she only seems to get "her fix" or any satisfaction from when she is getting attention from other men. Professional help may be needed here before counseling.

Whatever you do, don't swing and be strong. This isn't something that is going to stop and you may just have to be prepared to let her go. Just like an alcoholic or a drug addiction, she needs intervention.

[it'sso]

I think it's pretty obvious that "unregistered" is well off financially and the guys who are rooting around inside his wife are not so well heeled. What is hard to fathom is just what there is about his cheating wife for him to love. Perhaps it's time for him to start giving his own well being some consideration and try a new life partner.
He could hardly do any worse.

[VegasLee]

Originally Posted by it'sso

I think it's pretty obvious that "unregistered" is well off financially and the guys who are rooting around inside his wife are not so well heeled.

You must be a better reader then I am. I did not pick that up anywhere in his post.

I pretty much see two really messed up people that have no business exploring this Lifestyle.

[sweet_tna]

Dear Unregistered,

I'm sorry to hear you're having so many problems with your wife. I agree 100% that you should seek/continue counseling if you have any hope of making your relationship work. And since your relationship is definitely NOT working, you have ZERO place in the lifestyle.

I'm not saying you have to have a perfect relationship to swing, but you do need a solid one. You need to have love and respect for each other, and from what I've read, there is none of that going on between you and your wife.

What you need to do is figure out why it is you still want to be with her, after she's treated you so horribly, and what the heck she wants from you. Whatever it is, it's not healthy. Let the counselor help you two figure those things out, and how to make things work--assuming you still want them to.

Best of luck to ya'll.

[Newpants]

Your wife is NOT a poly, she is a cheater, a user, a manipulator and an adulteress. As others have said, Doc hit the nail on the head. Call a pig a pig and get yourself out of the pigpen and stop wallowing in the muck with her.

She is using you for stability, financial support, a roof over her head and a place in the community and giving you nothing but pain and grief in return. She deserves none of those things.

This is not a swinging or poly issue. Polys work with all of their partners so that there is no pain or suffering for anyone. she is fucking you in the ass without lube or a reach around.

She may be incapable of being monogamous but she is also incapable of controlling her actions or of having any semblence of compassion and caring for others. Her actions are so over the top and outragious that there is a good chance she is an actual sociopath and there isn't anything that can be done to keep her from hurting you or the people you care about.

She is so selfish and has such a sense of entitlement and such a lack of compassion for you or anyone else that even if you go along with this hairbrained scheme of allowing her other men that she will still destroy you and rob you of any sense of dignity and self respect.

This woman is toxic and is bad bad bad person that will leave a path of destruction whereever she goes.

You have an obligation to protect yourself, your children and everyone else you care about from her. Get a lawler and start protecting all your assets from her. File for separation as soon as you can and file for a restraining order from her. While she is out of the house pack up all her shit and pile it on the sidewalk. Have her served with the papers and have the police at the house when she comes to get her shit and do not allow her back in the house for any reason and tell her any contact with you or the kids will be through her lawler and your lawler.

If you want to save what few specks of humanity you have left and be able to move on with your life with incurring any more damage, you have to get this toxic humanoid out of your life ASAP.

Tell yourself that this is no longer about her but is about you protecting yourself and salvaging what life you can for yourself.

[realcplub2]

While I agree with Some of What NEWPANTS said, other parts are assuming facts not in evidence.

Look lets call a SPADE a SPADE

Unregistered, you knew long ago, that she had issues being faithful. Her continued infidelity has deeper issues than just sex. The affairs are her way of seeking something she was needing/missing for a long time. A counselor MAY help her with this, but chances are the issues that drive her will only be as it has been in the past suppressed, waiting to resurface.

Please understand you came here seeking vaildation for an idea to "cure" a problem marriage. Swinging CAN make a SOLID relationship stronger, because both people are sharing experiences OPENLY. On the other hand, it will utterly destroy a troubled relationship.

Her urging you to have an affair, and not tell her, is to ease her mind, NOT SOOTHE yours.

The best suggestion would be for you to talk to YOURSELF, honestly. Take into account all the factors in your life, and then decide what is best for you, and for your children.

Hidden Promiscuity, cant be the anvil hanging over you and your loved ones head, waiting for it to drop at any time.

And I tend to think you already know this.