I feel that there has been infidelity...Please help me

We had been in the lifestyle for a while and had a really great time. I never felt more loved, desired or self-confident. (Low-self esteem has been a problem for me my whole life, but at that time I felt I may have beaten it.) Our communication and mutual respect were at an all-time high. It was a wonderful period of time in our marriage. For some reason, we took a break from the lifestyle - I think mostly because "life" took over. Kids getting older, work, etc., etc. We lost that wonderful spark we had. After a while, I got this vibe that my spouse was into internet porn. I thought that would be a way to rekindle what we once had, so I asked to be included. Well, that never really materialized. Sex dwindled to almost nothing. And my suspicions/concerns about the porn were getting more and more elevated. I was told it was all in my head. This has been going on for years now. Last night, I finally decided enough and started looking on the computer. Not only were there hundreds (maybe even thousands) of pics and vids, there were also vids from participating in a webcam situation. Then I found a bookmarked escort service. In the 20-some years we have been married, I would have NEVER thought things had gotten that far. I was so hurt and upset; my spouse was found out, so the apologies were flowing. Then I get prompted for things to be 'like they used to be.' I don't know what to make of all this. I am devastated - I feel like a used piece of toilet paper. I'm at a loss - have I just tipped my hand and will things be even sneakier? How do I cope with all the business-related travel? Or is there genuine sorrow - and can we ever get back what we had before? I feel that there has been infedelity due to the webcam - or am I just hurt and it seems much worse than it is? My head and heart are reeling...any advice would be greatly appreciated...

[SW_PA_Couple]

It is quite understandable that you feel deeply hurt. He did not give you credit enough to think you would understand. I hope you have told him that.

I will recommend something that is not a complete solution; just a start. Don't even entertain the idea for a minute that things can be brought back to "like they used to be". Time to work on a new and better relationship. You might want to be ready to accept the porn if you judge it is not really harmful. Also time to ask, "Is there anything else I should know about you or what you are doing?" If your husband comes back with any kind of implication that this is your fault in any way or is related to your withdrawl from the lifestyle, do not accept it.

[snapps]

Sorry to hear this, my best advice to you is to keep the communication line open and just keep at it... Communicate communicate communiate!!!... Good luck...

[DigginIt]

You say that you feel the 'infidelity' due to the webcams but he had an escort service bookmarked? Big red flag there.

This is all my opinion, it is not based in anything other than my opinion so keep that in mind.

First and foremost, trust is something that is very hard to earn but very easy to loose. Your doubts and suspicions are not going to go away easily and you both are going to have to work hard. Him on rebuilding your lost faith and trust and you on forgiveness (assuming that is what you want).

I personally believe that internet porn, like anything, can become an addiction. I like to watch some internet porn but there is nothing on my computer. When I was 20 something I had tons of it but none now, you said he had pictures and vids in the thousands ... just my opinion but I don't agree with that he "didn't give you enough credit" as mentioned earlier but I believe a lot of people know when they have a problem and this was beyond simple watching porn for thrills and that is why he denied it and tried to put it back on you by saying it was "all in your head."

I'm not saying anything bad about your husband and I don't think that having an addiction (if that is what it is) makes a person, a bad person. It just needs to be understood and coped with as any addiction would be.

I'm sure there will be people who say you should try counseling, I don't think that is a bad idea either, only you can make that decision. I wouldn't even try to jump back to trying to make things like they were but go more along the lines of what SW_PA_Couple said and "work on a new and better relationship." I thought that was great advice.

You say you are devastated and I would say for good reason. Anything can be healed if both of you truly want healing. I would say that your husband is going to have to sincerely 'own' up to his behavior before the healing process can truly begin. Only you will know if and when he has truly done that.

Best of luck to you both!!