Teenage Daughter has become sexually active

[livnlocoNJcpl]

I just found out last night that my 16 year old daughter has become sexually active.

We sat down and talked about it. I told her that I thought she made a very poor decision. I told her that she has so much more to be focused on than a few moments of pleasure with someone that most likely wont be a part of her life in 6 months.

Not sure where else to go with this. My wife and I are trying to be very open and honest with her, but don't want her to make some of the mistakes that we made as children.

I know several of you already have gone through this, just fishing for some words of encouragement and/or advice.

[Alura]

I'm always struck with how little actual control we have with our teenagers, livnlocoNJcpl. In recent years, because of "Abstinence Only" being taught in so many of our schools, so much misinformation has been imparted to our kids that we must first address that problem before we can hope to help our kids.

My son's class was actually told (by a Senior volunteer) that the risk of pregnancy was GREATER if the girl was on birth-control pills and the guy also used a condom, because the two cancelled each other out!

I suppose your first line of defense is to get her on the pill as soon as possible. It doesn't look like "abstinence only" is likely to work in her case.

The bright side of this is that you have an opportunity to open up communication with your daughter that you may never have achieved otherwise. Talk (don't lecture) to her. Listen to her. Help. This can be the beginning of a wonderful relationship with your daughter.

Alura

[SAMnTINA]

Can you spell HYPOCRITE, if you are here and in the lifestyle then you should know that sex and love are not the same thing. Our daughter is now 21 at 16 she had a boyfriend we hated he was no good for her, but we never said no sex or sex was bad, we simply said that sex was ok as long as she understood that sex was not love and that there was an important order to life. 1) Graduate From High School. 2) Go To College. 3) Graduate from College. 4) get A Job. 5) Get Married, 6) Have kids.

It was ok to have fun as long as she was safe and did things in the right order. AT 16 she some times stayed over at boyfriends house(The rule was not on a school night and grades needed to be maintained). Because she was not told no (She would of had sex any way, we sure did in High School, she know she could communicate with us. She had a few Fuck Buddies and lots of fun, Graduated College at 19 and is engaged to a nice guy today that takes good care of her. She tells us not to be in a hurry for grand kids as she and he need some time first before they go down that road. She also has a job and is self supporting at 21.
Kids know what is going on even if you don't think they do. It's more important to see that they are safe today then think you can protect them by saying NO. Besides the more you say NO the more they are going to do it.

All our kids told us that we took some of the fun out of sex as they never had to sneak around. LOL.

[Ed & Bunny]

I am sitting here with Bunny discussing this. My first thought is the comment of how these guys wont be around in 6 months. Its funny in that what we do in swinging we are having sex with people we dont expect to be around past tomorrow. LOL Reality wise I do know that as adults we are mature enough to deal with it where a teen is not, but it is still funny.

Now for our real advise. We feel that norplant or one of the birth control shots is a much better option for a teen. No chance of forgetting to take a pill. By getting her one of these you may get lucky like we did. Our daughter had the option to go on birth control when she told us she was ready. She waited till she was 18. We wonder if part of the reason she waited was because we took part of the forbidden fruit aspect away by telling her she could have birth control.

I cant agree more highly with Alura on communication. The right kind is critical. You dont have to be happy with her decision or tell her otherwise, but you need to make sure she understands you will give her the good information she needs even though your not thrilled. One big discussion is STDs. There is more than enough good info out there to share with her, especially the articles showing that teens are the group with the fastest rising rates of STDs.

Lastly is a subject which will probably heat up a few other members. You need to discuss with her what she should be getting out of sex. We all know most boys this age are just out to dip their wick and show their manliness. Most will show little regard for actually pleasing the girl. Get her a vibrator so she can learn what pleasure is, and when the boys dont provide it she may grow tired of the game and wait till she is older. I know my last idea is controversial here, and it has been said before that a 16 year old is just a child. But this is a child who has chosen to have sex, and short of keeping her penned in the house or putting her in a locked chastity belt, teens will find a way to have sex weather we like it or not, and weather they are really mature enough for it.

[livnlocoNJcpl]

Originally Posted by SAMnTINA

Can you spell HYPOCRITE, if you are here and in the lifestyle then you should know that sex and love are not the same thing.

Not sure what you are getting at there. I never told her anything against having sex. I told her (as I stated) it was a poor decision to do it now.

Really confused by this.

I do agree with your order to life. It is exactly what we are stressing to our children.

[ncmd_couple]

Welcome to parenthood!

My ex-wife and I had age appropriate discussions with our kids throughout their lives. We tried to make sure that we told them the truth as best we knew it openly and honestly. Our goal was to prepare them to make good decisions as best we could, then we crossed our fingers. Having such discussions at the age 16, without years of preparation, would have been too late.

Even with all of that, we all got a surprise with my oldest, she got pregnant at 18 because none of us knew that birth control pills can be nullified by antibiotics.

Good luck!

[livnlocoNJcpl]

Originally Posted by ncmd_couple

Even with all of that, we all got a surprise with my oldest, she got pregnant at 18 because none of us knew that birth control pills can be nullified by antibiotics.

Good luck!

OUCH!

This isnt the beginning of the talks with her. It just came as a shock. I guess as a parent you aren't really ready for the things you know will come in life.

We have had a few talks with her over the years since she first got her period. It just pains me that she was so easily coerced by the first boy that really paid attention to her. The boy is a real winner too. He can't seem to find the school on most days, has been held back because he doesn't go, and I'm pretty sure she isn't his first and she is just another notch on his belt. I could be verry wrong about him and in fact I hope I am.
I would rather she look at her first time with fondness and not emotional turmoil.

[ncmd_couple]

Well, the reality is that when a girl is ready, she is ready, and we do not get to choose who her first time is. Having raised two girls and a boy, the reality is that they are going to have to make their decisions and live with the consequences. That is part of growing up. We do our best to prepare them to make good ones, but the reality is that they will have to screw up just like we did. You just hope that the mistakes aren't major. My daughter's mistake all those years ago now means that we have a very smart and pretty 10 year old granddaughter. Negative and positive. But it is what it is.

S

[fun4Ds]

We felt at 16, it was a good time to incorporate what they might experience.(not details)

Understanding the difference between infatuation and love for someone, was high on the list. Understanding their curiosities over peer pressure was also, what we felt, was important.

Then we listened to what they said or asked..... They were very honest about what they saw, going on around them and quite frankly, we were surprised. Mrsfun and I had to have a few "WTF huddles" between ourselves, it's not easy. MTV and television was more influential than what the schools were teaching in comparison.....

Our daughter asked one day about birth control. We let her go on the pill at 16. Our neighbors wife came over one night after finding out through her daughter, about our decision. She came in our living room (her daughters were the same ages as our daughter, and best friends at the time.) She ripped on us pretty good for doing so (for letting our daughter go on the pill) All three of our kids were in the living room listening. But, we let her speak her mind. Then politely, asked her to leave. Her daughter, stood there crying the whole time out of humiliation.....

Two months later, her younger, 16 year old daughter was pregnant. Our children, never had children, till in their twenties and married...... Were we so bad as what the neighbor had said ?

[livnlocoNJcpl]

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

Were we so bad as what the neighbor had said ?

In my opinion, no.
This is why I came here to seek words of wisdom and advice instead of a parenting forum or anyting else dealing with teens. There is a percertion of sex and there is the reality about sex. This sight more often than not deals with the reality.

I do need to firnd a way to open a dialouge with my daughter, in a way that won't be awkward (for both of us). What teenage girl wants to talk with her dad about what she should get out of sex or about touching herself?

I think about the information I got from my parents and don't want to make that mistake with my children (I didn't even get "the talk" from my parents).
I want them to understand in a way I never really did.

[fun4Ds]

First, as a father and as a man, it's so hard to understand a womans "feelings" in what they say. With my daughter, I had to realize at her age, many times she wouldn't understand her own feelings. (thats twice as hard) I am fortunate that my kids do in fact, talk with me. Without going into details, I have allot of empathy for kids growing up in a shitty world.... Maybe my sisters have a big influence on me also. And then, there was my grandmother. I had the influences early, that what men thought about sex....... was pretty much, all wrong. (I still shake my head sometimes at my sons growing up)

Originally Posted by livnlocoNJcpl

We sat down and talked about it. I told her that I thought she made a very poor decision. I told her that she has so much more to be focused on than a few moments of pleasure with someone that most likely wont be a part of her life in 6 months.

Now see, I'm not saying you said the wrong things..... But you need to apologize for the "way" you said this. I mean really, how did she feel ? Especially about him !

In love, infatuated, scared (I'll bet she was scared) was it for acceptance ? There is allot of pressure on young women these days....

She how many things she might be feeling. This first time will always be a part of her life, whether HE is there or not. Just let her know It's OK with you how SHE, feels. Trust me, I do know the more you hate him, the more she will think she loves him. That might make you the guy that won't be there soon....

This isn't about that though, its about her understanding herself and her responsibilities. Show her you can just listen without judgment, and he'll likely be gone soon. Teenage boys, DON'T listen !! Too bad for them, its why good fathers ROCK

Ask her how she feels, and then shut up for a while.....Let her know your not judging her, but you need time to understand.(a good time now, for that WTF conversation with an adult woman) Let her know everything is still cool between the two of you. Its important, very important. A little talking is all it takes though usually. Followed by now lets do something else.... Have you taken her shopping for clothes, just you and her ? Do it, if you haven't yet.

The thing is, when she chooses or wears something that looks slutty. DON'T SAY THAT! Think of what her peers are wearing, the fad, color corridanation.... and even the shoes. Give her a reason to know she can count on your opinion..... Its hard to tell our daughters that their clothes are sexy. But, its a big influence at the age of 16. I knew the day my daughter came to me at 17, and wanted my opinion if what she had on, looked "trashy". She wanted to look sexy...Not trashy...

Big win for DAD !!! The pay off takes "time"

Not sure where else to go with this. My wife and I are trying to be very open and honest with her, but don't want her to make some of the mistakes that we made as children.

They will, in one way or another. But thats the thing about being a parent, It's loving them, when they do make mistakes....

I know several of you already have gone through this, just fishing for some words of encouragement and/or advice

I don't mind talking about family here or chat, but the truth is, I cringe at the subject on a date....

[VanHlebar]

I empathize with the OP. We have three daughters and Mrs Van and I are like many others here. We have age appropriate discussions about sex with all four of our children. With my two (now 19 and 17) I have already discussed much. We don't worry so much about our daughter getting pregnant as she is a lesbian, but she we still wanted her to understand that consequences of her actions and to make wise choices in regards to sex. When the boy turned 16 and finally had a "serious" girlfriend, one day while we where driving somewhere we talked about sex. I flat out said that if he was to embarrassed to purchase protection himself to please, please, please come to me. I said that as a father my first obligation is to ask some questions, but at the end of it, I would still purchase them for him and not make be upset or hurt. I told him that he has way to much left to enjoy and I would rather see him take responsibility for his actions than maybe have children younger than he wanted.

Mrs Van's two daughters are just now reaching the age of where boys have become important. We have talked about her older one who is almost 16 and we agree that we would rather take her to the doctor and put her on some form of birth control than become grandparents right now. We also do discuss with the three older ones in varying ways that there are differences between love, sex, flirting and even cheating.

To round it out, I had both of my children before I turned 18. Even though sex was never off topic as a child, we never discussed protection at all. Although both MrsVan and I wish and hope that our children will wait until they are married to have sex, we also understand reality. Reality is just as many have stated, we can't control what they do, all we can do is teach them as best we can and hope that we have given them the tools to make wise decisions.

I also think that calling someone a hypocrite is way off the mark and more than uncalled for! The differences between consenting adults agreeing to have sexual freedom and fun and an child making those same choices are like comparing apples to oranges. Yes both are fruits, but neither has the same color, taste or even the same health benefits. The adults will have to live with their choices and anything that might fall out from that and we would like to think they are mature enough to handle that. As a 16yr old kid, not only are they not prepared to realistically take care of any unfortunate result that could come from the activity, they also have the unfortunate reality of how the rest of their classmates and friends might label them because of this. Kids are the cruel and I comment over and over to MrsVan how there is no way I would want to be a teenager again. Ok..sorry off my soapbox..it just kind of got to me as the OP came looking for help, not to be judged because of their reaction to finding out the information.

livnlocoNJcpl just try to listen as much as you can and to as much as she is willing to share. I realized years ago that no matter how "ok" I was as a father with what my daughters want to talk about, they won't come to me often about such things. They just don't feel comfortable enough talking to me. The most important thing is to remind her how much you still love and care for her and that no matter what, that has not and will never change.

Good luck.

-Van

[Mr. Truelove]

Awesome advice from some of the other posters here. Mr. Van and Fun4ds especially. I don't have a daughter that old yet, but when I do, I hope to approach it with the same amount of wisdom that both those posters did.

Good luck and hopefully this will be a time to become closer and not further apart with your child.

[Mr. Truelove]

Originally Posted by livnlocoNJcpl

I told her that she has so much more to be focused on than a few moments of pleasure with someone that most likely wont be a part of her life in 6 months.

Be careful with the 6 months comment though... ( I know you mean well, but this is a point in her life where she might meet someone she cares about.) I've been with my wife since 17 years of age. We're happily married. And I vividly remember the people that made comments of us when we were young.

Her parents did find out, but alas, it was 3 months after she had gotten pregnant. Both of our parents had left no pathways of communication open. Had they, things may have been different.

In the end my wife and I have been together 15 years this spring. But our start in life could have been a little less of a struggle.

[tribbles]

Did you want her to be madly in love with the first guy?

She may have picked him cuz there is no future with him....she just wants to experiment.

You called her choice either of partners or of when she has decided to try sex, a poor decision. Were I her, you wouldn't hear any more about my choices nor would I be listening to your thoughts.

I think if you can, back up and get her to talk to you without telling her she fucked up by fucking when she wanted to fuck.

You can teach her to avoid pregnancy, STD's and even give info on how to make the not so great part of sex, better if she asks 'how to' stuff.

Or you can make her feel bad for following the same urges most have at that age and have her cut off communication.