a very bad situation....what do i do now

[likkit69]

This post may be kind of long as I’m still trying to sort things out in my head. That’s largely the reason I’m posting in hopes that some of you can help me sort these things out.

My wife and I have had some swinger experiences many of them good. I’m one of those guys that normally enjoys seeing my wife with another guy or female for that matter.
Back in the beginning of the summer we had an experience that turned out some bad emotions we tried to talk about it a little but nothing ever got settled. Late in the summer we separated for a couple of weeks due to other things not swinger related. Back together now and trying to work through things and still having a few problems, swinging is something that is rarely even talked about let alone planned at this point. Yet here I am….
I’m at a party this past weekend practicing music with friends getting ready for an up coming new years gig. This is not a swingers party but not an entirely vanilla party either. Most of these friends are pre-lifestyle friends that things have happened with but they are friends above all. I should also mention my brother was there with his date who is a bit of a freaky chick. I didn’t know this about her to begin with. Now my wife didn’t plan on going, later in the night she calls me and says she’s thinking about coming out. This is cool I always prefer her to be there anyway. Everyone is drinking and pretty well buzzed at this point. She shows up and begins drinking too.
I don’t know how much time went by but it doesn’t seem like much. She hasn’t kissed me hugged me. Hardly even spoke to me and the next thing I know she’s making out with our female singers hub. They’re open minded but not swingers by far. Everything just seems to get sexual out of fucking nowhere, and I still have my guitar strapped on. So here comes the drama…. female singer and her hub are freaking at each other but decide to go ahead and have fun, my brothers not comfortable with his date but they end up going somewhere alone and doing their thing. I’m not even sure where my wife is at this point. And yes I’m pretty well lit up. I’d had to have been for things to go any further.
So I’m drunk, there are naked girls around, in very bad but inebriated judgment I decide to play along but it doesn’t work for me… my body is not functioning in a fashion that would allow me to have sex if you know what I mean. so sit and drink beer and smoke cigs and listen to all the sounds in this now completely dark room, I’m not mad, I’m just not into it. Finally people are getting dressed the lights have come on and my wife starts giving this guy oral again. I just left ,went down stairs and laid down. A little while later she comes to me half dressed cuz she can’t find her cloths wondering why I’m mad. I’m really not mad yet but she seems to have and attitude that rather than saying “you’re mad and I’m sorry or concerned” it’s says “you’re mad and I don’t care” well the more she kept on the more angry I got and the fight was on. When things calmed down a little I tried to have maybe what you call make up sex, I mean I was still horny and wanted to have fun too, instead she starts crying saying I’m trying to rape her so I get up and leave, I go home and leave her there.
We never agreed on doing anything, hell we haven’t even talked about playing and I was convinced we were done playing among this group regardless. It’s obvious that we are in no state to be swinging. And yet she instigates this whole thing out of nowhere. I mean we’re not even having sex at home that much at all. I will admit that I was purely wrong in trying to go along with things. I hold myself responsible for that much. But even after two days I’m still so hurt and angry that I can’t think straight. I don’t want our relationship to end by no means but I feel like we just got set back so far and she walks around the house like it’s no big deal. I’m gonna sit her down and try to talk to her after work tonight and I’m not sure how it will turn out. Because I get the feeling she doesn’t care. And that’s what hurts. That’s what makes looking back on the whole situation hurtful and aggravating.
I know this whole post is so full of red flags it’s ridiculous , more than I may even realize. I have no one to ask advice on this and I’m hoping some of you can help me on where to go from here.
Sorry it's so long but thanx for reading!

If there are any details missing just let me know and I'll add them.

[TheLorax]

Wow. Simply wow. I am glad you realize that there's major red flags all over the place.

I'm going to take the Dear Abby approach and recommend -strongly- that you two seek professional, swinger friendly counseling. It's not a cop out here to avoid giving any advice, it's that your situation is in desperate need for it. I realize that simply posting may be a way for you to vent some and to organize your thoughts. I think though, that your situation is going to be difficult to fully resolve without some serious outside help.

Good luck, and you have my sympathy for what it's worth...

[The Fuse]

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Although something similar to swinging was involved, this doesn't sound like an issue with swinging. It sounds like your wife is trying to push things into a rise and create a situation where her anger can be expressed. Whether any anger is justified, I obviously don't know. But it just sounds to me like the issues you have been in conflict about before, are expressing themselves as a wish to upset you. It could have resulted in different behavior, but this is the way she has chosen to let you know there is something serious that needs to be addressed. That's what my gut says. She is finding is hard to talk about the real problems, or maybe has been frustrated when she tried.

Either way it does sound like counseling would be a good idea.

[Mistral Wind]

Don't blame each other get some professional help and talk talk talk if you both want to make it you will if one don't then you won't the councellor will help sort this out.

Help and talk in that order, good luck
Mistral x x

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by likkit69

Everyone is drinking and pretty well buzzed at this point. She shows up and begins drinking too.

Not a problem in and of itself, but heavy drinking and unplanned swinging? Uh, no.

<snip lots of heavily inebriated sex>

Originally Posted by likkit69

instead she starts crying saying I’m trying to rape her so I get up and leave, I go home and leave her there.

I had a girlfriend do that to me once. Once. If I ever hear it again from anyone I'm playing with, I will leave instantly. Good for you for leaving.

Originally Posted by likkit69

I get the feeling she doesn’t care. And that’s what hurts. That’s what makes looking back on the whole situation hurtful and aggravating.

That may or may not be true. There's one way to find out; Serious open discussion.

Originally Posted by likkit69

I know this whole post is so full of red flags it’s ridiculous

Yeah, but you know that.

Go talk with her. Sort it out.

Further, don't engage in sex play with this group again, regardless of the scenario. Obviously it's a bad situation. Playing music with them, fine. Playing sex with them? Sorry, no. Lots of drama mines waiting to go off.

And, I agree with what everyone so far has said; go get some professional help for both of you.

[Chicup]

As you know all the swinging issues, this is really a getting into your wifes head issue, something we obviously can't do.

You guys need to figure out where you are, there are so many 'ifs' that any advice here is going to be a shot in the dark.

[lizandtom]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

It sounds like your wife is trying to push things into a rise and create a situation where her anger can be expressed. Whether any anger is justified, I obviously don't know. But it just sounds to me like the issues you have been in conflict about before, are expressing themselves as a wish to upset you. It could have resulted in different behavior, but this is the way she has chosen to let you know there is something serious that needs to be addressed. That's what my gut says. She is finding is hard to talk about the real problems, or maybe has been frustrated when she tried.

That's the same thing that occurred to me right away too; your wife's behavior is saying she's doing what she wants, regardless of whether you're ok with it because you both aren't communicating on the same level. Are you REALLY listening when she's speaking with you? Is she REALLY listening when you're speaking with her? Or are you both trying to tell the other what it's all about with no real compromise or learning going on?

Like everyone said, your situation is much more profound than the board can accurately assess, but my wife and I have gone through whether we're just hearing the other, or really listening, over the years, and it really made us much more perceptive not only among ourselves, but in reading others as well; a huge bonus in the lifestyle. Good luck and let us know how things go.

[exploringRM]

Not sure if I'm adding anything, just piling ont the same sentiments..wow, this goes way beyond a swinging drama. You two have had marital issues, not sure where you stood with that at the time of the party, but things seem a bit out of control. I agree that this needs to be talked about and perhaps better in a more neutral (well at least a referee) enivornment of a counseler.

If you do work things out, I hope you also put swinging out of the picture for quite awhile.

[sweet_tna]

Hmm . . . Lemme' see if I've got this straight. Ya'll had some bad swing experiences, and there were issues between you as a result. You then split for a while due to "other reasons." Right here is probably where ya'll should've stopped and gone for professional help. But at least you are aware that ya'll shouldn't be swinging, and have been trying to get things sorted.

Unfortunately, it seems ya'll made the classic human* blunder of mixing too much booze, bad relationship mojo, and extramarital sex. You already know it was a bad idea, and that your wife reacted very badly to this situation.

*I say "human" here, because you don't have to be a swinger for this to happen.

The other folks have it spot on when they say this is something we're ill-equipped to advise, and that counseling for you both is the best course of action.

Best of luck to you both.

[Additude]

I'm in tune with everyone else’s responses here also.

I think you need to find out where your wife is coming from and what her feelings are. Forfeit trying to make her understand your point of view at all, just ask her to tell you where she is coming from and what her feelings are.

Don't try to interject your opinion into the discussion. Just listen, be a sponge and absorb what she has to say. Good or bad, right or wrong, agree or disagree. Let her release.

Then and only then will you have a better idea of what is going on inside her mind.

[DigginIt]

I can't tell you the emotions this post stirs in me. There are always two sides to a story but this just screams of the makings of an evening news segment where one of you is dead and the other in jail.

I'm going to take the opposite here to everyone. Not every relationship is salvageable. Not everyone who get's married is necessarily compatible. There is obviously SERIOUS issues in this relationship. I'd do a deep soul searching and make a decision if you really want to be with this person the rest of your life. I don't believe that core behavior in people changes unless a person really, truly WANTS that change and then it's damn hard.

If I take this story at face value, given I have very little history and do not have her side of the story, neither of you sound like your in love. First step, decide if you really want to be in the relationship and then step two, find out if she does also because all the counseling in the world won't do anything unless both of you want a change to happen.

[TheLorax]

Actually, counseling can help a lot. The reason is that because in counseling you can get an objective view, and for a lot of folks that means that the relationship may not be worth salvaging. You may enter counseling wanting to save what you have and find out that what you have is not worth saving.

Counseling can help your relationship become better, or it can enable you to see that it is beyond retrieval, or that you shouldn't have even become committed in the first place. It's not a magic bullet that cures everything that is wrong with a relationship.

[DigginIt]

Originally Posted by TheLorax

Actually, counseling can help a lot. The reason is that because in counseling you can get an objective view, and for a lot of folks that means that the relationship may not be worth salvaging. You may enter counseling wanting to save what you have and find out that what you have is not worth saving.

Counseling can help your relationship become better, or it can enable you to see that it is beyond retrieval, or that you shouldn't have even become committed in the first place. It's not a magic bullet that cures everything that is wrong with a relationship.

I was only thinking about counseling as an option to repair their marriage and had excluded the possibility that the counselor may actually push them in the other direction. Thank you for pointing something out I had completely missed.