Sex is starting to suck again. What do I do?

[Chitowndk4u]

Lately our sex life has gone down the tubes. I'm trying everything I can to keep it hot. We watch porn, visit sex shops, and things that turn her on. When it's my turn ons that come into play, she shuts down and doesn't even try to talk or share in the fantasy.

We were watching a Porno last night and she complimented the guys' size. I liked that and this morning I wanted to fantasize about it. She just shut down completely. I was really horny and that killed the mood. This all after she got hers.

I was left with a hard on. And now she's going off to do hair for a client. No consideration. I'm devastated. It seems like our was only when it's all about her. My turn ons don't matter.

[Chitowndk4u]

It's going to get tons of views here.

[bbarnsworth]

There might be a bunch of bandwagon posts here, but let me step in and say BEFORE those that it is rare that people ever see/hear/understand more than 5% of someone else's relationship. 5% sampling rate might work in statistics, but not in relationships. Be wary of offering advice here; there's too much going on that we DON'T know about.

In abstract, I'll say this...

Every relationship goes through phases. There's ups and downs in every possible way and facet of the relationship. It's always there. It's a constant presence. In my relationship, we work with this and not against it. We incorporate it by keeping the lines of communication absolutely open. If they're not open, we go back to why they are not open as a base starting point. Without that, you've got nothing.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Chitowndk4u

It's going to get tons of views here.

I don't know if you're being sarcastic or not, so I'll explain why I moved your thread to the Vanilla Life forum.

Your topic for discussion doesn't have to do with a swinging situation - it has to do with your personal sex life - and that is why it was moved here from the Situational Help forum (where it originated). The thread title still appears in the Situational Help forum and members will be directed to this forum. So actually, you'll have your thread title appearing in two forums.

I think people will easily see this thread, and if they are interested in commenting they will.

It's the job of moderators to make sure threads are in the proper forum. We move threads quite often.

LM
Moderator

[Chitowndk4u]

Well I'm glad works for you. I wish it was like that on my end, but it isn't. I feel like my turn ons don't matter to her. She won't engage in anything I'm turned on by or at least talk about it unless it's something she is turned on by. This is supposed to be an EQUAL partnership, her needs and I'm just along for the ride. My feelings and desires matter too.

She got up and left me with a hard on and didn't even say anything. I was left to take care of myself. I'm so ticked off right about now.

I'll engage her turn ons which are simple romantic cinemax stuff. But she refuses to do the same. I gave up on swinging because she refuses, yet will say things like she is thinking about it, but then shut it down if I try to talk about it. It's driving me crazy! Our sexlife can't be all about her and not about me at all.

I am not one to be dictated to. It should be enjoyable for both of us not just her.

[it'sso]

Yours is the typical marriage where one or both parties eventually cheat on their spouse.
Realistically, she's already cheating on you by denying you a simple request.
My Own Opinion.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by it'sso

Yours is the typical marriage where one or both parties eventually cheat on their spouse.
Realistically, she's already cheating on you by denying you a simple request.
My Own Opinion.

By denying a blow job or intercourse she's cheating on her husband?!?!

Hollie Mollie, I guess I've been cheating many times over the 35 years we've been married and didn't know it until now!


There is more to Chitown's situation than a problem of no sex. If a spouse isn't interested in sex, you got to ask, WHY?

Chitown, from your past posts you've said this has been a problem before. Why do you feel your wife isn't interested in having sex with you as often as you'd like, or in the way you'd like?

LM

[LFM2]

Instead of automatically turning on porn or getting out the sex toys for her, why don't you two sit down at the kitchen table, over a cup of coffee, and talk about your sex life and find out what the real root of the problem might be? Let her vent her feelings and you should be able to do the same?

Swingers are known for their outstanding communication skills with their spouses. You should be able to talk to her about this. You should also be able to do this without anyone raising their voices, or getting mad. You're a team and you should be able to work [on your marriage] and talk as one.

I have to agree with bbarnsworth regarding what we really know about your situation. I'm just giving one type of solution to your problem without really knowing what's really going on.

Good luck.

[slevin]

What else is going on in your relationship these days? Do you two do anything fun together? Do you have any hobbies that you do on your own? How about sports, or the gym? Do you go out "with the boys" very often? Are you trying new things that are non-sexual? Going to new restaurants, trying a new hobby, trying a new sport, going on an adventure (alone or together)?

Has anything changed in your relationship in general? One of you working more than normal, new children, family in town...?

[BiloxiCouple]

More to a relationship than just sex. When the day comes and sex isn't a priority what happens? Is your relationship ready for that?

[sweet_tna]

The thing is, marriage is like that. You hit a slump every now and then. Many times, it's caused by stuff outside the bedroom. That's why the best time to talk about issues in the bedroom is outside of the bedroom. Sit down over a cup of tea, and tell her your concerns. Do so in a loving way, reassuring her that you love her and just want BOTH of you to be happy. Ask if there's anything you can do to help make things better.

Without knowing more about your situation, that's really all I can suggest. One thing that did occur to me is that she may be afraid to discuss your fantasies with you because she isn't ready/willing to make them a reality. It's a shot in the dark, really. And the only way you're gonna' know the reason for what's happening is to TALK to her.

Best of luck to ya'll,

=)

[The Fuse]

I would love to see her post to this thread after reading it, and give her perspective. At least it would get the two of them communicating. If she "shuts down when it's not about her" there must be a reason why. I'm not saying there is necessarily a good reason, just that something is the cause.

[fun4Ds]

I personally use restraints sometimes.....

A ball gag if its that special "ME" time, and I feel the need to be, heard.

I'm Just saying, is it possible to put that in your marital "toolbox"

It does take good communication though.

For one, Safety..... Be sure to check her appointment book, before hand.

Two, Sanity..... Would she call the cops on ya ? It should be discussed long before the ball gag, requireing a simple nod.

Sex..... Well, what can I say.... I havent had sex for about 4 days and Im feeling the need to be "heard"

[sexcupid]

Perhaps for her, it's a "there's a time and place" kind of thing. Complimenting the guy's dick while watching the porno was fine for her...but revisiting it the next morning shut her down.

Is she aware that the things you do for her are not for your benefit as well? I, as well as quite a few ladies I know (or have known), would assume that you are getting benefit out of that as well as I am (because men are not exactly know to be altrusic in their porn watching habits ). The sex shops may be the same thing, she may think that you are getting something out of that as well. Is she aware that you think it's all about her...she may very well be under the impression that it's all about what you want.

Trying to get your point across when you are attempting to have sex or are interrupted (ie. the hair appointment) will make you sound petulant, so I agree with the others here...go out to the local Crackbucks and get your drink of choice and talk in a non-sexual atmosphere. Hell, do it walking around Walmart...just some place that isn't home or isn't bed should do just fine.

Good luck.

[realcplub2]

Originally Posted by LFM2

Instead of automatically turning on porn or getting out the sex toys for her, why don't you two sit down at the kitchen table, over a cup of coffee, and talk about your sex life and find out what the real root of the problem might be? Let her vent her feelings and you should be able to do the same?

Swingers are known for their outstanding communication skills with their spouses. You should be able to talk to her about this. You should also be able to do this without anyone raising their voices, or getting mad. You're a team and you should be able to work [on your marriage] and talk as one.

I have to agree with bbarnsworth regarding what we really know about your situation. I'm just giving one type of solution to your problem without really knowing what's really going on.

Good luck.

Ab-so-lute agreement!!


Look, given the information you provided within THIS thread, Its claer there are other issues at play here.

Lets face it, We guys, are notorious for wanting to still have sex when the problems outside the bedrooms are still there. IMHO, women, tend to shut that part down, Lets face it the largest sex organ in Men or Women is the brain.. If there are outside stresses, its a bit hard to kick start the sex drive, when the mind is on other things.

The advice offered for the most part is the best we can.. sit down and talk it out.. Ask her where she is at mentally, and do the other thing that is a bitch to do, Close the mouth open the mind and LISTEN to her..

In the first post you explain how " she got hers".. you know, just occasionally, THATS ALRIGHT... However, letting a problem go unaddressed, isnt.

Every couple goes thru ups and downs, again as was previously stated.. What however the difference is, is, being able to talk to each other about whats bothering BOTH of YOU. Lifestyle folk, are no different.

If someone was standing on your foot, you would say something.. and would expect her to do the same, right? Explain that to HER, and see where that gets you..

One other point, Some women are into PORN, most Porn, however, is a turn off to MOST WOMEN. You stated she likes the CINEMAX romantic stuff (belly button porn) Ask yourself why that is? Because its not GRAPHIC.. And while often cheesy, there is a STORY.. Again, its a point to talk about WHEN the time is right..