Broken trust. But I didn't mean it.

[dumbasarock10]

Okay, this isn't exactly a swinger's issue, but it seems as good a place as any for sound advice. And this could get lengthy but I'll do my best to keep it short. First, I'm deployed to Iraq. There's a girl in our unit I'm real close with, but not like that. We've been good friends forever. She really trusts me, but I'm not her type. She's a lesbian. We'll call her Lori. Well, we recently had a medic attached to our section, an adorable little brunette that we'll call Dana. Well, "Dana" is Bi, and she took a quick shine to Lori, making repeated advances. "Lori", however is not into short term occasions. And "Dana" is only going to be with us for maybe 3 months. "Lori" has told me that she does really like "Dana" but she doesn't want to get involved with someone just to have to say good by later. I have less scruples so I gave into her flirts. One night, "Dana" and I hook up. It was nothing serious and had no promises of anything more than that night. I had hopes for more but, I can't have expectations especially out here. Well, less than a week after "Dana" and I hook up, "Lori" comes and tells me that she finally hooked up with "Dana" and she really likes her and they're gonna go and see where this takes them. "Lori" is all bubbles about her now, she likes "Dana" and apparently "Dana" is sharing this enthusiasm. At first, I wanted to make sure my friend wasn't going to get hurt by what "Dana" may be saying, but she genuinely seems to care for her. They've started making plans to wind up together after this deployment. My issue is: "Lori" trusts me and she really likes "Dana". I know if she finds out what "Dana" and I did while she still "Liked" her, she'll be crushed. I like "Lori" too much to do this to her. "Dana" and I kicked this around, but to her it's not such a serious issue. Her answer is simply "Don't tell her." But I can't stand having her "trust" meanwhile hiding this from her. Suggestions?

[livinitup77]

I say you gotta tell her. maybe it will end up a wonderful thing. but if you really value her friendship you gotta tell her what happend.

[VegasLee]

What is it going to get anyone by you telling her you and her buddy hooked up. They were not an item at the time so no one was cheating on anyone here.

Do you feel the need to tell all your friends who you hook up with?

I see no reason or advantage to say anymore about this at all.

It is not a case of honesty, most people don't run around telling all their friends who they have been with.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by livinitup77

I say you gotta tell her. maybe it will end up a wonderful thing. but if you really value her friendship you gotta tell her what happend.

Why?

[LikeMinds321]

Since you have a girlfriend (you list yourself as "couple" and mentioned her in another thread), I just have to ask, is she okay with you having solo sex with other women? You don't consider this a swinger issue, so this is why I'm asking.


I agree with VegasLee, I don't think you need to tell Lori that you and Dana hooked up.

LM

[Mobile]

" I wanted to make sure my friend wasn't going to get hurt by what "Dana" may be saying, but she genuinely seems to care for her. They've started making plans to wind up together after this deployment. My issue is: "Lori" trusts me and she really likes "Dana". I know if she finds out what "Dana" and I did while she still "Liked" her, she'll be crushed. I like "Lori" too much to do this to her."

My advice is to mind your own business and keep your mouth shut. A gentleman never "kisses and tells".

BTW, you don't "know" that Lori will be "crushed". And in any case, its not your job to protect her.

[dumbasarock10]

Right, you are Likeminds. Normally no, we wouldn't be without the other like this. But seeing as how we are going without eachother's company during my deployment we've agreed to let the other do as we "need to" physically. It was her idea, believe it or not. She just asked that I not tell her about it, and I not bring anything home that I didn't have when I left. She has the same freedom. And as for the advice; I kind of agree but at the same time if it were that easy I wouldn't have posted about it. I feel guilty as hell about it. And every time we hang out or go eat together, it's the big pink elephant that only I can see. I'll learn to live with my elephant for now. I'll name him Dave. Thanks for your input. Here's to happier times.

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by dumbasarock10

I feel guilty as hell about it. And every time we hang out or go eat together, it's the big pink elephant that only I can see.

The reason you want to tell her is to ease your conscience, and make yourself feel better. It will provide no benefit to her. What has she done to deserve to feel bad about your deeds?

You own "Dave", and it's not fair to give him away.

[livinitup77]

I say tell her because if it's making him feel this bad that he had to bring the issue here then obviously it's important. If anything it would clear his conscience.

[Dave_kat]

ok. From our "Dave" here, who also happens to be active duty military.

I'm not going to go into all of the Army regulations here, but simply to mention them to have you keep them in the back of your mind while I tell you the rest of this. I specifically speak of General Order 1 (For you non-military out there, it's the one that specifices that deployed Soldiers will not have sexual relations while deployed).

You have a problem, and the best advice you're going to hear on this is keep your mouth shut. They weren't together when you and Dana hooked up, so you didn't violate Lori's trust there. Lori had told you she didn't want to go there due to the short term nature of the medic rotation. It was a one-nighter between you twom and something she herself said she didn't want. Dana is her own individual, they were not in a partnership at the time.

If you open your mouth about it, you set yourself up for all kinds of possible drama, which can go multiple ways, to include Dana and Lori getting in a lot of trouble because "don't ask, don't tell" still exists, and of course the G.O. #1 violation.

I'll put money on it that Lori already knows, regardless of you two not having said anything, it is not like those secrets get kept anyway. Noone has said anything, but having been on multiple deployments, everyone knows regardless of how "quiet" you kept it. The fact that you keep it quiet only weighs in your favor. I was a platoon sergeant the last time I went with a couple of Soldiers who started more drama. I didn't care as long as there was no drama, but start some drama and we dealt with it.

(For those that usually think us more civilized than this, please stop reading now.)

Dumbasarock10, you got some while deployed, it was a casual hook-up, and you do more harm opening your mouth about it. Don't go starting some drama by trying to let your friend know you slept with her girlfriend before they got together, Soldier on, and get your ass home intact to your girlfriend when your tour is up. You have way more to worry about than getting in between the two of them, espeically if you aren't a Fobbit.

[VegasLee]

Originally Posted by livinitup77

I say tell her because if it's making him feel this bad that he had to bring the issue here then obviously it's important. If anything it would clear his conscience.

So to make himself feel better he should take the chance of hurting two others?

[dumbasarock10]

Dave; sage advice. Thank you. I needed some perspective, more than anything. I still feel bad, yet at the same time I'm happy for my friend. She's still working towards making something positive with her. And if I did open my mouth, true enough, I could potentially wreck something there. Who am I to take away her happiness just to ease my conscience? I'll hold onto my "Dave" and stuff him in the closet with the others. And I will do as directed, Dave, and "Get my ass home intact" (definitely NOT a fobbit). Thanks for taking the time for me there. Rock of the Marne, and stuff.

[rpu3]

Glad to hear you've made a different decision.

The question I ask myself before I disclose anything like this is, ""will it enhance our lives or their life or the relationship if I tell them the full truth?" If the answer is no, then we aren't going to divulge further information." I don't advocate lying, but I don't advocate providing TMI when it's not necessary.

I didn't see how disclosing was necessary or even a good thing in your situation, especially since y'all are in the service (former service member here - I'm all with Dave_Kat in the "don't cause unit drama!") and because it was likely going to hurt your friend with no real benefit besides easing your conscious. Glad you've thought it out and considered the advice and viewpoints here.

Good luck and stay safe over there!

[sweet_tna]

Glad to hear you've decided to keep "Dave" all to yourself. I think as you see Lori & Dana's relationship flourish, you'll feel better about your decision.

=)